Ander - Part 4: Subchapter 31
31
"So what really happened in there?" Luke asked, but to Valery it didn't sound like he actually cared that much. Also, she didn't like the way the gaps in the barn's walls threw lines of light across his face, like warpaint.
"Banno scratched his stump open. There was blood everywhere."
"Yeah?" Luke held a half-eaten carrot up to Jitters's lips and she demolished it with one quick snap of her buckteeth. "How's he doing now?"
"Dad said he should be okay, but he hasn't woken up yet. Probably won't until tomorrow."
"It's a pity that thing didn't bleed out. Would've saved everyone a ton of trouble."
"Luke!" Valery said, shocked. "What a terrible thing to say!"
"Well it's true."
Valery clapped her hands over Jitters's ears. "Don't you listen to anything this meany says, Jitters. He'll only corrupt your mind." She gave the old dray mare a quick peck on the cheek, and in return, Jitters gave her an accommodating little peek from underneath the thick, sandy fringe of hair that covered all but the faintest twinkle from her amber eyes and snorted her thanks.
Luke dropped the bucket of carrots with a hollow clunk and fished a shiny apple from his front pocket. "Right, I'm the meany," he said and started to polish it on his shirt while Jitters watched the process with great interest, her head bobbing up and down, her tongue slowly reaching for the juicy prize. "Everything would have been fine if that thing never washed up. Or better yet, if it had washed up dead, like any decent living thing would have had the courtesy to do after floating around with a chopped off foot for gods know how long."
"Dear gods, Luke..." Valery said. All the strength just melted out of her hands and they dropped limply to her side. "You really hate Banno, don't you? I mean genuine hate."
He gave her a cold sideways glance. "Maybe I do."
This was really unsettling. He didn't even try to deny it! But maybe... maybe this had something to do with the row this morning? Her brothers were always up to something. Always! But they never...
"Luke?" she started, hoping that this time would be different. "What did you guys do? Really?" She didn't like the way her brothers always had to go behind her back. They thought she looked down on all their half-baked schemes and half-witted shenanigans, but what she really hated was how they always excluded her from everything. They had their own little private boys' club going on and she had nothing. She was always isolated, and she was getting awfully sick of it. She wouldn't even mind getting into trouble if it meant she could go along on one of their stupid adventures. Just so she wouldn't constantly have to feel so... alone.
"We can't tell you, Vee," Luke said and held the apple up for Jitters to munch on. The old mare was really getting spoiled tonight, and she eagerly scarfed it up with a crunch and a slurp, her lips grabbing hold of the juicy red and white chunks like two fat fingers.
That was something else that set her alarm bells a-tingling. Usually she was the one who liked to hang out in the barn, sneaking treats for all her little animal friends while Luke and Tim did, well... whatever they do. Boy stuff, she guessed. So what were they doing out here all of a sudden? And another thing...
"Tim, you all right?"
He was being so quiet she almost forgot all about him. He was sitting on the ground, his back propped up against Jitters's stall and his knees drawn up against his chest. He had a stick in his hand was doodling little spirals in the dirt. He jumped at her voice, said, "I'm all fine - right, I mean. I'm all right" and went back to doodling more spirals and circles, his cheek resting against his knee so that his face looked all smushed and miserable.
This, even more than Luke's evasiveness, made her worry. She's seen Tim skip around and tell jokes mere minutes after taking a hiding for running with shears. For him to be so down... Whatever they did, it must have been really bad.
She moved the lantern aside (being very careful not to set it too close to any bits of hay) and sat down next to him.
"What'cha drawing?"
"Nothin'."
"Hm."
Luke sighed and Jitters stamped her fuzzy hooves, demanding more apples.
Valery knew how her brothers' heads worked, more or less, so she didn't pursue the subject any further. It was actually kind of nice, just sitting here in the barn with no light except for one little lantern and the last few rays of sunshine sneaking through all the little gaps in the walls like golden needles. The whole placed smelled strongly of hay and animal waste (what Luke and Tim so uncouthly referred to as 'crap'), but it wasn't an unpleasant smell once you got used to it. It was the smell of living things.
Claire and Melissa mooed their opinions for the rest of the barn to contemplate, and Donny flicked his long floppy ears and brayed a rebuttal. The rest of the barn deliberated both testaments among themselves with polite bleats and snorts.
"Luke's going to the 'Glen tomorrow," Tim said suddenly, making Val forget all about the great Barnyard Debate.
Luke looked down sharply, his fur standing up in untidy spikes. "You ass!" he yelled. "Whacha tell her that for!?"
"She was gonna notice you were gone, numbnuts! She's not blind!"
"Yeah but still you coulda -"
"You're going to Grovenglen?" Valery asked. "Alone?"
Luke clamped up, looked down at Tim again, then at Jitters. He didn't have any more apples to give, but she nuzzled him anyway, blowing hot bursts of air against his chest with her oversized nostrils.
"This has something to do with why Dad yelled at you, doesn't it?" she said. "Tell me the truth!"
Luke gave Jitters a gentle rub through her sandy mane, and Tim doodled some more, now adding wings to his spirals. Neither of them said anything.
Typical.
"And I don't suppose Dad will tell me anything either?"
They still wouldn't say anything, just looked around nervously at every little random thing except her face.
"Well fine, be that way!" she huffed and got to her feet, angrily brushing bits of hay and sand from her dress. "Screw all three of you! I don't need you to tell me what's what! There's another one here, in case you haven't noticed, someone who's far nicer than either of you, and I'm sure he'll tell me anything I want to know." She took a moment to drink in the shocked look of horror stealing over Luke's face, then turned smartly on her heel and made for the big double doors. She managed only two steps before Luke grabbed her roughly by the wrist.
"Ow, hey! Let -" she said, raising her hand to slap away his grip, but then she saw the look on his face and froze.
It looked like he had seen a ghost, a ghost that then proceeded to punch him right in the stomach. "Don't go in there," he said. "Please, Val, whatever you do, just don't go in there."
"Why? Luke, for all the gods' sakes, please just tell me what's wrong!"
His eyes darted from left to right, as if he was looking for an escape route, and his tongue flicked nervously across his dry lips. She had never seen him look so crazy before.
"I... I can't tell you everything, but... remember what you said about the Wolf being scary? Don't you think that's still true?"
"Well, of course," she admitted, wondering if he ever intended to let go of her wrist. "But that's just the way he looks, he can't help it."
"I don't mean just his looks! The way he acts, the stuff he says! Don't you find it... I dunno. Odd? No, that's not the right word. Disturbing, maybe? Like he's not quite... Argh! How do I explain this so you can understand!?"
"Luke, you're hurting me."
"Wha?"
He glanced down and saw how tightly he was squeezing her arm, but it was probably the small scab left by Banno's claw that made him let go so abruptly, as if her cut had somehow jumped to his hand. He took a step back, seemed to compose his thoughts, then tried again. "I'm sorry, Vee. Didn't mean to freak you out. Just... I'll be level with you, okay? Banno is dangerous. Don't give me any gum about how he's hurt and how he's such a nice guy, because even if he is, that doesn't matter. The fact is, he is much, much bigger than you. Much bigger than Dad. He can hurt you, and if he decides that's what he wants to do, then he's gonna do it, and if he gets his hands on you, then nobody will be able to stop him."
"Luke, you're scaring me."
"I know, I know." He ran a hand through his hair, and the way it stayed up in messy cow licks told her more than she needed to know about how much grease and sweat he had stressed out over the past few days. "I'm going to be gone for at least three days. Probably more like four or five. Will you promise me something, Vee?"
"What?" Valery didn't like the way he was acting, and the way Tim was adding legs and feelers to his doodles unsettled her even more. It felt like there was something huge going on behind her back, something that might affect her directly, and she was purposefully being kept in the dark.
Luke took her by the shoulders. His grip was light, but she could feel him shaking. "Promise me, no matter what happens, you will not go into Banno's room by yourself. Heck, even if Dad is in there, steer right clear. Can you do that for me?"
It was with genuine horror that Valery realized that her brothers were literally fearing for her life. She could see it in their eyes, the way they looked at her like she might drop dead at any second. Death was something she's had very little experience with in her short lifetime. Even when Mom died, Dad made sure to shelter her from the worst of it. If it wasn't for the funeral, if she hadn't watched them lower the casket into the ground herself, it would have been as if her Mom had simply disappeared. There one day, gone the next, leaving her all alone. And now someone she was so close to believed that the same thing might happen to her? It was terrifying.
"You believe Banno might kill me, don't you?" she asked. Her voice sounded small and frightened, even to her own ears.
Luke hesitated, then nodded. "I'd be lying if I said I knew for sure, but that's why Dad's letting me go to Grovenglen, so I can talk to the other Wolf they got over there. I can find out the truth."
"Truth? You speak of truth when all you can do is keep secrets from me?"
"Vee -"
"No, Luke! I won't make any promises! Not until you tell me what's really going on! If I might die, then I damn well want to know why!"
Luke started squeezing her shoulders, his fingers slowly turning into hooked claws. For a moment she thought he intended to strike her, but then he pulled her in close and gave her a strong hug, like he was afraid she might float away the moment he let go. "I promise I'll tell you everything that happened the moment I get back, but until then, please promise me you'll stay away from him. Please, Vee, I'll never ask anything of you ever again."
"Luke?" Valery said, honestly flummoxed. Luke was never really the kind of guy to do stuff like... like this.
"Promise me!" he said, giving her a brief shake.
Valery looked over her brother's shoulder at Tim, sitting quietly on the ground, doodling in the dirt. He looked up and gave her a sad little smile.
"Okay, Luke," she said and folded her arms across his back. "I promise."
"Okay..." he said, but he didn't release the hug right away. They stood like that for a few seconds more, and although Valery was scared, it also felt kind of nice to be close to him again. Ever since Mom died, it felt like she didn't really mesh up with the rest of the family, like a puzzle piece that no longer had the proper tabs to connect with the others. Mom was always her tabs, and without her, she was just a square with bites taken out. Dad did his best to fill those gaps, but he has holes of his own to worry about, not to mention whatever lawless shenanigans her brothers are always up to. So yes, it did feel nice, even if it was accompanied by a sense of quiet foreboding, like a rising stormcloud filled with unborn bolts of lightning that could strike down at any time, and anywhere.
"Tim's going to look after you while I'm gone," Luke said. "Right, Tim?"
"Absolutely."
"You guys, I can take care of myself. I'm not some damsel in distress, you know."
"I know, it's just..." he stepped back and looked away, perhaps embarrassed by the unexpected show of feelings. Everything always had to be so macho with these two. "If you keep your promise, then there shouldn't be anything to worry about."
"Okay, I'll be careful."
"Good, good." He cleared his throat and Jitters stamped her hooves impatiently. And then, just like that, the moment was past. That feeling of disconnect was back, like she was a puzzlepiece without tabs, only holes, and there was no way for her to truly connect with her siblings. The best they could do was exist next to each other without ever forming a complete picture. Of course not. How could they, when the center piece to their puzzle was gone?
"Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you add something to your promise for me?"
"Um, okay."
"When you get back, and you tell me about whatever happened between you and Banno, will you also..." She knew exactly what she wanted to say, but actually saying those words was a different matter. It was a question she's wanted to ask for years, but never had the courage to.
"Yeah?"
She suddenly realized how dark it was in this barn. Nighttime out here was different from nighttime in town. In Grovenglen, the coming of night was signalled by the voices of mothers yelling for their children to stop playing and come on inside. The darkness was softened by lamps and candles shining out of rows of windows neatly lined up along the roads. But out here, where there were no other homes glowing softly, no other families sitting around their hearths, no other sources of light, the darkness fell all at once. One moment the sun was still peeking over the mountain, the next it's gone, as if the sun had died.
There one day, gone the next.
Fear started to bubble up inside of her. Scant seconds ago, all the grunting and shuffling noises around her belonged to the cutest critters in the whole world: pigs, sheep, goats, cows, all with their own names and mannerisms, but now those noises could be made by anything, anything at all, creeping closer and closer across the hay bales, or in the rafters, or among the stalls, or maybe even coming up right behind her.
The circle of light emanating from their little lantern suddenly seemed very, very small, and frightfully incomplete. It had a simple loop of wire on top to act as a handle, but it was hanging down against the glass, and now that thin piece of wire was throwing a massive arch of shadow through their little sanctuary, cutting her off completely from her brothers. It swayed gently with the candle shining inside, jumping closer and then retreating again, pulsing like a heartbeat.
"Luke," she tried again, shuffling closer to their only light source, wanting so desperately to join their side of the divide. "When you come back, will you tell me... what really happened to M-"
"Kids? You in here?" Dad's voice made all three of them jump right out of their skins. Valery gasped and clutched at her heart, beating so frantically it felt like it was trying to climb up her throat. For a second she couldn't even breathe.
The big double doors opened with a low, creaky groan and Dad came in, his shirt sleeves rolled up and a lantern of his own dangling from his right hand. He spotted them immediately and broke out into a big smile. "And what are you three doing out here so late? Telling secrets?"
"I was just feeding the animals," Luke said and practically ran to Dad's side, leaving Valery and her unfinished question behind. He didn't have to answer anything she couldn't even ask. Maybe that was best. Maybe she didn't want to know. Better to just believe what Dad had told them and leave it alone. Believing anything else will bring no good, but might do much harm.
But still, there was a dark, lonely part in the back of her mind that wanted to know, that felt like she deserved to know, even if the truth murdered her sleep with a thousand nightmares. She loved her Mom, and she wanted to know why she had to be taken away.
"And since when did it take all three of you to do that?" Dad asked and ruffled Luke's hair. There was absolutely no trace of the animosity she had sensed back in Banno's room, none of that simmering anger barely held in check.
Dad, Luke, Tim, probably even Banno, they all had their secrets.
"Valery? You okay there, girl?" Dad asked, making her jump for a second time.
"Yes Daddy, I was just thinking."
"Oh? Thinking about what?" He came closer, holding the lantern up to shed as much light as he could on her face. It felt like he was trying to read her, but what he failed to realize was that, unlike him, she had no trouble with creative truth-bending, even though she hated it so much. To him, she would always be his perfect little girl, even after all these years.
"I was just thinking what Luke should bring me back from Grovenglen," she said, rocking back and forth on the balls of her heels. "I was thinking maybe a new dress, or a pretty ring."
"As long as you provide the money I'll bring back whatever you want," Luke chimed in.
"Er, yeah," Dad said, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. "We're running low on some of the essentials. Flour, medicine, um... stuff like that. I can't go to Grovenglen with Banno the way he is, so Luke will have to make the trip this time. But I'm sure he can handle it. Can't you, boy?"
"Of course I can, Dad. You worry too much."
"That's rich, coming from you." Dad gave him a playful shove and Luke rolled his eyes. "Come on you lot, it's getting dark real fast and I'm in no mood to freeze my tail off. Back inside."
"Early to bed, early to rise," Luke said and disappeared out those double doors so fast even Dad did a double take. Was he really that desperate to get away from her? To get away from what she might ask of him if only she could find the courage?
No, he can't know what really happened to Mom, Valery thought, looking down at the little bits of hay scattered about; some straight, some broken, some bent and gnarled, all of different lengths. She saw shapes like triangles and tilted squares and even stars, accented on both sides by black lines of shadow that seemed far more real than the hay they were attached to, which was almost invisible against the light brown sand.
"You kids coming, or what?"
"Coming," Valery said and quickly went to her father's side, but Tim stayed where he was, silently dragging his stick through the dirt. There were spirals, circles, haphazard squiggles, but hidden among them, almost invisible in the gloom, was a shape unlike any of the others. It was large and spiky, a giant mouth filled with massive triangles for teeth and ears like sharp horns. It was Banno, with his mouth open wide, as if he intended to swallow all the other doodles whole. It made Valery feel cold on the inside.
She shivered and sidled up close to her Daddy. She actually liked Banno, but she had a feeling that no picture on earth could make him look not menacing, whether it be a professional portrait or just a doodle in the sand.
Without looking up, Tim said: "Dad? I... I'm sorry." He turned his head away and Valery realized he was very close to crying.
"Oh, Tim, no..." Dad lowered his lantern and suddenly the circle of light shrunk by half. He went to his second son, crouched down on one knee, and put a reassuring hand on his back, leaving his daughter stranded by the door. She didn't feel brave enough to cross the distance between the house and the barn alone in the dark like Luke did, but it didn't feel like she belonged here, either, listening to her father and brother whisper about things she didn't know anything about. It felt like she was eavesdropping.
"Listen Tim, I'm the one who should be sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you so hard. It just... surprised me a little, that's all. Okay, maybe a lot, but it'll work out, you'll see. It's all over, and you don't have to feel bad about it anymore, okay?"
Tim sniffed and nodded.
"Think you can get up, champ?"
He nodded again and grabbed his own lantern by the loop.
"Okay then, come on."
Dad helped Tim get to his feet, and it was in that moment, standing there in the dark with the icy wind blowing around her dress that Valery saw the two of them, together, each with their own lantern, bathed in a double circle of light, and she felt a bitter green wave of jealousy wash through her, frightening and shameful in its intensity. They were doing it again, excluding her. They were together in the light and she was standing here all by herself in the dark. The rational part of her spoke out against this, reminding her how tearful Tim was just a few hours ago, that whatever had happened behind her back must have been incredibly upsetting and that Dad was supposed to do everything in his power to cheer him up and that she should hope he succeeds, because they're family, and she should never wish for anything other than their happiness.
But that petty, lonely part of her simply fixated on the part about things going on behind her back, yet again. It made her feel angry, and feeling angry made her feel ashamed. Good girls weren't supposed to think like that. Good girls were supposed to be happy so that their parents wouldn't worry. If Dad started to worry about her, too, he'd never have time for anything else. He'd just spend his entire day worrying about all three of them, and that wouldn't do at all. She wasn't very useful at any of the farming things, and the meals she cooked weren't nearly as good as Mom's, but she's always had a job to do that was far more important than housework, and that job was to always be happy for her Dad so that he wouldn't worry about her. Even if she couldn't do anything else, she could always smile when he was around. She could let him know that she was happy and that he was the best father in the whole world and that he shouldn't worry because she was so happy. Wonderfully happy. The happiest girl ever.
And happy girls don't cry.
So she bowed her head against the wind and walked into the shadows, keeping her arms folded tightly against her chest for warmth, the dry grass whispering beneath her feet.
"Hey girl, wait up!" Dad called after her, but Valery didn't turn around. She could see the pale borders of the candlelight nipping at her heels, washing over the grass like a thousand sharp needles, and she didn't want to risk him seeing her face.
"Then hurry up, slowpokes!" she called back, sounding just as cheerful as ever.
"Slowpoke? How dare you besmirch my honour, young lady? C'mere!"
The light suddenly started to bob up and down, rapidly growing brighter. She looked over her shoulder and saw Dad running towards her, the lantern held out in front of him like a questing eye.
"Eep!" she yelled (no acting required this time) and broke out into a full run, the wind slapping her in the face with hands of ice, crickets jumping out of her way in terror. She kept her eyes on the dark shape of their house, squatting against the horizon like a giant bullfrog. She could see Luke watching them from the kitchen window, pumping his fist, urging her on, but she didn't even make it halfway before the light was all around her and Dad swept her up in the crook of his free arm, spinning her around, making her giggle like a loon until she was barely able to breathe.
"Slowpoke, eh? How was that for slow?"
"Okay, okay!" Valery gasped, clutching her daddy's arm.
"As punishment for your grievous misconduct, you shall be my lamp for the remainder of the journey! Hold this." He held out his lantern, but it took a while for the world to stop spinning long enough for her to be able to grab it. She wrapped her fingers around the handle, being very careful not to burn herself (the bottoms of these things can get hot as merry hell), and waited for Dad to set her down, but instead he held her out in front of him like a torch, her feet dangling somewhere above his knees, and yelled: "Lead the way, Lampy!"
Valery laughed and shone the way, bouncing up and down as Dad jogged the remaining distance to the house, his breath rushing out against her cheek in quick hot bursts. He set her down on the porch with a grunt, then put his hands on the small of his back and crackled his spine, wincing in the candlelight.
"You okay, Daddy?" Valery asked with a coy little smile. "Getting a bit too old for this kinda thing, maybe?"
"Ha! It's you who's getting too big, girl! Too big for your britches!"
Valery laughed, then noticed Tim's silhouette emerging from the shadows. Apparently he must have hung his lantern back at the barn, where it belonged, because now _he_was the one in the dark, looking on from the outside. It made her feel terrible, like she had wished to switch places and the gods had made it so, just to remind her that there simply wasn't enough of their father to go around. And then he laughed and the illusion was dispelled, at least for now.
"You two are crazy," Tim said, shaking his head.
"You're one to talk." Dad ruffled his hair. "You remembered to blow out the candle, right?"
"Yeah Dad, I'm not stupid."
"Okay then. Let's get inside before we turn into a trio of Foxcicles."
All three of them laughed, and Valery thought about her job in the big scheme of things, about how she had to laugh, even when she sometimes didn't feel like it.
What sorcery is this? Ander on Wednesdays!? :O
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