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My heart slowed down, the sound of the beats the only sound in my mind from the moment I started to move. The operator on the emergency line had ended up talking to Sanmer, not me, not when I couldn't make the words come out, no matter how hard I tried.

One beat.

I don't remember the drive, I don't remember how we got in the car, I don't remember a lot of things, but I remember pulling into the front drive. The house of my childhood hadn't changed in the brief months I'd been away, it was still a sad sagging one story house that had probably never looked any grander when it had been new. There were no flashing sirens in the front yard, but I could hear them in the distance as I tumbled out of the car and hit the ground running, the car hadn't even stopped fully. My heart was in my throat, it was racing, tasting bile as I hit the stairs at a full run before grabbing the door and yanking it open with a bang. I could hear Sanmer behind me as he called my name, trying his best to say something, but the words didn't mean anything. I didn't have the time to worry about anything except getting to her.

"The hell do you think you're doing?!" My father's roar bounced off me as I ran down the hall, seeing him surging up from the couch with a sway. What did the monster matter? He meant nothing to me.

Two beats.

The bathroom door was locked as I hit it, my paws scrabbling at the knob and yanking at it before hammering with a fist against the wood. There was no thought to my attack, only an increasing urge of desperation to get there. I yelled, no words came out, a mindless cry burst of me as I threw my weight against it. I cried as a cub cries, where words mean nothing, words were useless and meaningless, I had to get to her. I heard Sanmer in the house, the roar of my father's outrage, his curses while I threw my entire body against the door. The sirens were louder, they screamed through the house as I stepped backwards and rammed forward, my shoulder hitting hard against the cheaply made wood. Something slammed against my shoulder from behind, the rake of claws ran along my shoulder blade and back, but all that mattered was the wood crumbling in from my weight as it gave way. The voices behind me were ghosts and shadows, only one being in the world mattered to me, and I would do anything to get to her. I had to get to her in time.

Three beats.

Blood. I had seen my mother's blood more times than I could count, but never had I seen so much of it, I had never imagined it was possible. She was there, resting with her cheek on the sink, just against her arm with her forearms beneath the still dark water. Not dark, red water, dark vibrant red water that was as still as she was, the scent of copper blood filled my nostrils as I froze for a breath. Her eyes were half closed and staring as I lunged blindly for her. The sirens were still screaming, the voices were multiplying as I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her backwards, her arms and paws coming free and something wet hit my shirt as I pulled her into my arms. She was so small, but the weight was enough I stumbled backwards with her, uncaring of anything except breaking her fall with my body as we hit the tiled floor.

She was alive, she had to be alive, it hadn't been that long, just minutes when she'd hung up with me. I reached blindly to try and feel breath coming from her muzzle, not even sure what I was trying to do, only knowing I had to do something to wake her up. Wild hope saw her chest move as I lowered her, refusing to see it was her shirt shifting as she was laid out. She couldn't be gone, she was my mother. Useless frantic thoughts, but some at least made me realize I had to do something. I grabbed her forearms, feeling the wounds on my paws as I squeezed them, putting all my strength into the pressure. I remembered that from phys ed, I had to stop the bleeding, her life was leaking out and I could stop it. Had to stop it. The adrenaline was screaming through me, urging me faster as I looked up and saw the monster in the door way, he didn't matter, the others did. People were in the background, uniformed people, I latched onto them.

"HELP!" I snarled the word, roared it, demanded the answer as I hovered over her protectively, holding her frail arms and hoping against hope to save her, trembling. "You have to help her!! PLEASE!"

Silence.

They tried. Their hands grabbed her from me even as I tried to cling to her, spreading her out and trying to push life into her body. I don't know what I had thought they would do, perhaps CPR or just inject her with something to bring her back to warmth and life, but they were as frantic as I had been. The only difference was the cool professionalism in which they treated her. My mother. This wasn't a stranger, this was someone I loved, someone who had raised me. They handled her without regard to anything except going through the motions of trying to awaken a spark. A strange anger rose up in my gut, I tasted bile on the back of my throat, my vision darkening around the edges.

I wanted to attack them, to punch and drive them away, the indignity that they treated her with as they tried to shock or force life into her was another wound driven into my heart. There was no gasp. The moment where her body shuddered back to the world, no television moment in which it turned out alright. I felt Sanmer's paw, tentative, on my shoulder as I stayed locked in place, feeling the wetness of my shirt soaking into my fur while I held my breath. They pounded her chest, the snap of electricity filled my ears as I balled my paws into fists and the world shimmered and blurred in front of me. Not like this, this couldn't be real, some nightmare was ripping through me as I was asleep in bed. The snap of electricity crackled through the room again as the workers stopped and leaned backwards, drawing away from the shell that had held my world.

"Please..." I whispered, the word ragged as it was torn from my throat. I didn't know if I spoke to her, the EMTs or some higher power that might find some brief mercy in their unseen hearts.

"I'm sorry." The aging dog spoke softly, his face sympathetic as I blinked my eyes rapidly, warm wetness spilling down them.

"Arinna?" A ragged voice, slurred around the edges, and I heard Sanmer's sharp snarl of warning before the monster's voice came again. "Baby? What's wrong?"

There was a scuffle, and I realized that Sanmer had been holding my father against the door frame, I didn't know how, but the old bastard got free. He stumbled forward, shoving past one of the EMT's who was hovering above the crumbled form. He was going to her. It was too much for me, I lunged forward, my lips curled back and my claws sliding from their sheaths as I went for him. He'd killed her, she hadn't done this to herself, he'd pushed her to it, and he'd killed the only parent I had ever known. I would kill him. The single minded desire was all consuming, and I would have killed him, my vision going red as I stared at the bastard's neck and throat, but I never got that far. The body that hit me was larger than I was, a tackle that pushed me back, dragging me towards the door as I tried to break free wildly. My arms were pushed back, twisted behind me as one of the uniformed responders restrained me, pushing me back away from my father as the older lion stumbled forward and reached to touch her shoulder. How dare he touch her?!

"Let me go!" I hissed out. "He doesn't get to touch her! He never gets to touch her again!"

"Easy, son." The deer holding me murmured soothingly, pushing me against the door to keep me in place. "You don't want to do that."

I did. I wanted him dead. He needed to die. I knew it with a single minded desire that would have terrified me at any other time. A monster of my own roiled under the surface.

"Shall.." Sanmer's voice was soft, the fox reached out to touch my shoulder. I didn't want him to touch me, I wanted to be let go!

"Baby..." My father's voice broke and I saw him dropping down towards my mother. I choked out a curse, held back from stopping him as the monster reached down towards her. "Wake up... Arinna, please, wake up now.. Cops are here, ya gotta wake up. Honey?"

He touched her shoulder gently, touched her like he never touched her when I had lived here, a gentle press that rocked her as he leaned over her and let out a noise. His other hand moved under her body, drawing her up from the cold tiles, pulling her into his lap while his confused drunken eyes looked down at her. He didn't look like he understood as he looked at her face, he didn't look like a beast that had terrified and hurt her. The monster looked like a child, a toddler, who didn't understand what he was looking at as he gathered her against him and gave her a gentle shake, pulling her entirely into his lap with his brows furrowing together.

"Please, wake up.." He spoke softly and frowned as he shook again. "I d-didn't mean... Honey, please. Don't be angry at me, please, you gotta get up. _Ni hallinea. _ Wake up..."

He called her his treasure in the old tongue, his voice slurred with drink as he rocked her in his arms, my body shuddering with confusion and anger, grief and horror.

"You killed her!" I spat out, hating that he was touching her even after she was free of his hold. He should never touch her again.

"Arinna?" He murmured her name and blinked his eyes a few times. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, wake up. I didn't mean to be angry. Please... Wake up now, you have to get up."

I felt Sanmer gripping my waist, helping the responder keep me in place instead of charging the man, not that I could, I felt frozen as I heard make a strange sound. It was a sound that didn't register to me. I'd never heard it before. His hand rubbed my mother's cheek up and down, stroking in a way I had never seen him do in my life, his confused eyes studying her as tears ran down along the broad muzzle and towards his nose. He let out a soft choked sound while drawing her body in closer, the tears rolling down either side of his nose, spilling into the smooth soft fur of her head and along her ears as he leaned forward.

"I'm sorry, please... don't leave me, Arinna, I'm sorry. I didn't mean.. D-don't go, baby, you have to get up. Just get up." His voice was rough as he spoke, dragged out from his grief while I stared at him. "I'll do anythin', ya just gotta wake up for me, baby. I'll be good. Please... Please.."

The monster was crying. Monsters didn't cry.

~ ~ * ~ ~

"C'mom, we got room at the house." Ivan's voice was tentative, the large wolf was looking at me like he was afraid I might take a swing at him. "You can bunk over."

"I can take Shall home." Sanmar's firm voice was what made me blink a few times and recall that he was even there.

The world was no longer what I had once enjoyed, the surety and balance were tilted askew until the only thing left in my mind was shock and pain. I couldn't look behind me, I could hear the rattle of the gurney being pushed out and the muted voices of the EMT's talking among themselves. I could hear him, the rough snarling voice that made me long to turn around and confront him. What good was that? What good would yelling at him do? There was nothing I could say that could bring her back. There was no grand gesture that I could perform that would have her rising like some princess in a tale, her eyes opening and her breath filling her lungs again. The thought suddenly made my chest tight, my breath came faster and shallower, I couldn't get enough air into my lungs as memories hit me with a ruthless clarity.

I had always dreamed of being a hero when I was younger. I had heard the fighting in the night and pictured myself larger, stronger and able to stop him from touching her. I had told myself stories, and written them in journals, about how I walked from my bedroom and stopped him. They were cubbish stories and day dreams, where he sobbed for mercy as I struck him the way he hit her and made him apologize. I had only been ten or so, but I could recall how I would write down all the things I would tell him and tell her, and always it had a happy ending. I would always make my father go away to some vague punishment, and my mother would smile again and laugh, she would tell me how relieved she was and how happy we would all be together without him. I had filled a notebook with my heroic stories, where the monster was defeated and we all lived happily ever after.

My throat constricted and a sob broke free as I heard Ivan growling something in response to Sanmar's comment. I hadn't heard what they were saying, I was thinking back to how I had once been a cub, how I had once been so confident that one day, just one day, I would save her. Save us. Save myself. Tears broke from my eyes, rolling wetly down my muzzle as I wrapped my arms around myself and hugged tightly, trying to hold the grief inside. It didn't work, all I could remember was the visions of myself and that happily ever after. I had believed it even as I grew older, even after I left, that one day I would snatch her away, and the monster would be left in the darkness while she flourished. I hadn't been able to save her in life, and, in death, she was beyond all hope. Hands reached for me as I hugged myself harder, feeling tacky wetness on my shirt, her blood. I was covered in her blood.

"Shallan." Ivan murmured gruffly and his hand gripped my shoulder. "Come on, bro, just for tonight you stay with us, okay?"

"I don't know--" Sanmer was hugging my side, the small fox's hand reaching up to touch my cheek. "Do you want to go home?"

"What?" I choked out the word in confusion and turned my head towards our battered house. I didn't want to go home, home was a place that smelled of blood and death and pain.

"No, no, Shall, your apartment. Do you want to go there?" Sanmer tried again patiently and I just shook my head. I didn't want to go back there, I didn't know where I wanted to go.

"He'll be fine." Ivan was growling subtly, just a soft rumble under his words as he gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Come on, Shall, you can figure it out tomorrow, alright?"

I didn't know why Ivan was growling at Sanmer, or why the fox's tail was lashing rapidly back and forth the way it was, I had had enough of thinking. I started to pull away, and I felt my friend hug me tightly, his smaller arms wrapping around me, almost squeezing out all of my breath in the hold.

"Call me whenever you need too, alright?" He whispered in my ear and I nodded dumbly as Ivan took me in hand and pulled me away.

I don't know why I went with him instead of back to my apartment, perhaps it was the familiarity of him, the link to whatever past I had here, but in that moment I didn't want to leave. Jonty would have to be told what happened, he'd probably come, I should be here for him when he did. I couldn't just leave without seeing him, without talking to him. It was a long slow walk to Ivan's house, made longer by the sound of the ambulance doors shutting and the vehicle starting up. There were no sirens, no squeal of tires as it tore out of the street, and why should there be? My mother left, for the last time.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Water poured over my back, hot, so hot that it was burning me to the point that I could barely suck in a breath as the humidity filled my lungs. I felt my skin turning red under my fur as I tilted my head up and let it run over my face, my ears folding back to let it run down the line of my neck. It stung the rake marks on my back where my father's claws had struck me, the wounds superficial, but it still hurt. Another addition to my misery along with my raw feeling nose and puffy eyes. I had been in the shower so long that my finger pads were wrinkling and I was so laden down with water that even my tail was weighed down, and still I didn't feel clean. I felt it, her blood on my fur and hands, her scent clinging to me and her fur where it had come off with the blood. Some sick twisted part of my psyche had wanted to keep it there, had wanted that part of her to remain for as long as possible, I didn't want to wash her away, I didn't want her to leave. I was grateful Ivan's mother had taken matters firmly into her own gentle paws and firm toned voice, guiding me towards their bathroom with the admonishment to clean up.

It wasn't until I saw the shower that I realized what I was really covered in and the nausea had risen enough to get me stripped down and into the shower. I pushed my head under the water again, the hot sting of it filled my eyes and nose, spilled down my chest while I reached forward to grip the walls and just let the water soak into me. It didn't matter how hot it was, I felt cold, I was shivering and I couldn't stop. The steam helped, but I was still so cold that I had to grit my teeth to find the will to reach out to turn the shower off. I wanted to stay in here forever, I didn't want to go out of this room, I didn't want to face the sympathy in Ivan's parents' face or Ivan's awkward attempts to comfort me. I couldn't stay here forever. No matter how much I wished too.

I stepped out of the shower sopping wet, reaching out to hit the wall so that a blast of hot air hit my side from the vents and a towel soon joined it. My paws were shaking as I dried myself off, not caring about anything except doing just that. I locked my mind down and concentrated on drying my fur out with smooth powerful strokes, working with the vents. The head was first, and easiest, and downwards towards my shoulders where the fur was slightly thicker. The air that hit me wasn't designed for such short fur and I found it easier to give up the towel and rake my claws through my fur to dry it. I smelled like Ivan, his soap was stronger than I liked, but it wasn't unpleasant in the least. It smelled familiar, like sleep overs and long afternoons playing. It was comforting. I needed it.

I shut off the vents and the humid air clung around me, heavy and thick, but I was still shaking as I smoothed my paws down over my head fur, and looked at the fogged mirror dully. I was alright until I saw the balled up clothes on the bathroom sink, my pants thrown to the ground and the glimpse of the soft satin panties I had been wearing so proudly earlier that day. I had been so pleased this morning when I had wriggled into them and now they were nothing. I picked up my pants and blinked at them, there were red splatters along the pants leg, small dots here and there, my shirt was worse. It had a large stain on the front of the grey material. I dropped the pants, reaching for the shirt and gingerly picked it up, my paws trembling as I caught her scent under the blood. My throat tightened as I dropped, slowly sinking to the floor the bathroom with the shirt balled up in my paws.

"Mom." I rasped out, my vision blurring with tears that were threatening to rise, choking my throat, strangling me.

I must have made more noise than I had meant too, I had to have whimpered or choked out a sound, or perhaps Ivan had simply been waiting outside of the bathroom. I didn't know which was more likely, but a gentle wrap brought my head up from the shirt and I tried to clear my throat, but it didn't work. My nose was stuffed and I nearly choked before the door cracked open and Ivan's pale muzzle slipped in through the crack cautiously.

"Hey." He greeted me, leaving me to drag a towel from the floor to cover myself, he didn't even look embarrassed as he stepped into the bathroom. "Sorry, I just heard the shower shut off and figured I'd yanno, just see if you needed anything."

"No." I answered thickly, my voice slow and heavy as I sucked back the urge to continue crying, my eyes were burning with withheld tears. "Just drying off."

"Yeah." Ivan padded in to slip in beside me, I couldn't even feeling panicked as Ivan slipped beside me. My pants were on the ground, the purple panties were there in plain sight if he looked. I didn't give a fuck. "Y-your Mom was a great woman, you know that? I mean, she was just always so nice to us growing up and... fuck. I'm not good at this Shall, I'm sorry, bro. Really I am. I don't know what to say to help."

"There's nothing to say." I answered dully and dug my fingers into the balled up shirt, trying to keep my voice even and still. "She's gone."

"I know, but.. It's not fucking fair." Ivan cursed, his body leaning against mine slightly as he leaned forward. His ears were back, his features drawn. "I'd never have known any of the shit he did, she was always so calm an' just... She never had a mean thing to say 'bout anyone. Not even me!"

"Not even when you shaved my tail." I managed a weak choked laugh. "Remember when she saw my tail naked and you took off running."

"Yeah." Ivan let out a short laugh of his own. "I hid under that old shed near Garden Street because I thought for sure she'd go tell my Mom and I'd get whupped."

"And sh-she dragged me to go find you 'cause she found out that I'd hit you with a mud ball first." I laughed through my tears, remembering my naked cold tail in a frosty November day as I was dragged along the street looking for Ivan.

"Oh god, I thought she was gonna eat me!" Ivan's voice was choked and I saw his eyes glistening with a hint of tears.

"No, she just made you wear a sock on your tail too." I closed my eyes, tears rolling along my cheeks as I recalled that day.

My tail had been shaved down to the skin and it was too cold, so she had dragged out a pair of knee high socks and sewed one of them to fit my thin naked tail so it was warm when I went to school. I remembered arguing all night when she'd been doing it too, I had even tried to stuff my tail down my pants leg to get out of it, but she wouldn't heard of her little cub getting his tail frozen off. I'd been teased so badly about it, but Ivan had been doomed for the same experience as punishment for us both. We had gone to school for weeks both wearing matching light blue modified socks on our tails and it had been awful, but now it brought a smile through my tears as I recall the time she spent to do it and made sure I didn't go through it alone.

"I'm gonna miss her." Ivan's arm went over my shoulder, it was a rough hug as I heard the tears in his voice.

"M-me too." The words trembled out as I leaned against him, gripping the shirt in shaking hands as I started to cry again. Shaking sobs that wracked my shoulders. "I w-wish I hadn't made such a fuss about that stupid tail thing."

"Why not?" Ivan gave a rough broken laugh. "You know how our Moms laughed about it? My Mom's gotta picture I think. She thought we were hilarious."

That set us both off again, though Ivan's tears were softer and more contained, I couldn't stop it as he tightened his hold over my shoulders. I don't know how long I cried, Ivan stopped long before me, I only stopped when I couldn't cry anymore, when the tears came as trembling sounds and my body was shaking. My hot shower lost its use while my cheeks were matted once again with tears, my nose ran and ached as I rubbed it roughly with a paw over and over, eventually giving up the battle. Ivan remained there, just as he had remained through so much of our childhood together. He remained until I was finally coaxed from the now cold tile and he stuffed a set of boxers into my paws to put on. I didn't have it in me to be embarrassed about being nude in front of him. Grief is like that, when it consumes you the lesser emotions are rolled beneath it and cast away, those worries become petty and small because you realize just how much of a part of your life that you've truly lost.

The familiar bedroom that Ivan and I had had a hundred sleep overs in was a comfort as I managed to get dressed and stood looking lost. Pictures of our high school, our team, our lives were on the walls with sports figures and movies. There were still claw marks on one of the walls where Ivan and I had been wrestling together. The bed was an old beat up affair that had been handed down through the cubs, but he pushed me towards it while dragging out the old sleeping bag. It was like old times, he and I together in his room having a sleep over. It was like a glimpse back in the past. I wished I could have believed I was back in that past, back in the days where sleeping here had been a relief and so fun, knowing my Mom was nearby if I really needed her.

"Here." Ivan pried one of my paws up and forced something into the palm. "Just take those, okay? It'll help you sleep. You gotta sleep."

"What?" I asked dumbly and looked down at the two oblong pills in my paw. "What's this?"

"Just something to make you forget for a while and sleep, Shall. You gotta sleep." Ivan answered earnestly and I twitched my ears back a little. "They're my Dad's, I just figured...you'd need 'em. Just knocks you out and makes it so you don't care about anything. Nothing dangerous."

My immediate reaction was to hand them back, it was just what a knee jerk reaction to being handed a strange drug, but I hesitated. If I had just pushed them back at him, that would have been the end of it, but the hesitation was my downfall. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to care. I was so tired of crying, so tired of feeling the lump rising in my throat and threatening to break me. I didn't want to live in this world, not at that moment, and two little pills promised the oblivion of sleep, if only for one night. I tossed them in my mouth before I could talk myself out of it and took a swig of water.

"Will you wake me if Jonty shows up?" I asked while Ivan made the sleeping bag for himself, the wolf snorting and glancing up at me.

"Of course, Mom sent Dad over since he'll probably be around soon enough." He shrugged a little. "Just go to bed, okay, bro? We'll deal with everything tomorrow."

"Yeah... we will." We sounded like a very good word in that moment.

It was somewhere between wriggling into the covers and trying to push away my last memory of my mother in the bathroom that my body went relaxed and heavy. The drugs washed over me like a cloud, my mind spinning and lightening as it became harder and harder to hold onto the thoughts about what I had seen earlier that day. It became too hard to move my body, my limbs felt tied to the bed as the darkness slowly rose up, beckoning me to slide into it. I struggled against the foreign feel of the drugs, but soon it became just too much effort to struggle. The darkness was what I wanted. To forget today, to forget she was gone, to forget all that had happened. To forget the beast that was my father sobbing and rocking her on that cold bathroom floor.