The Plight of an Underdog
#23 of Miscellany
I wrote this as an afterthought from Kaily's Pundamental Contest from last month. I just got done reading the entries again and with my brain already heavily reliant on puns, it's now filed with tons more of them. In an effort to release the pressure, I just wrote this; just now, and I present it to you.It's essentially clean, but with adult innuendo. And it's short, a novel thing for me.
Captain
McPherson, the big Husky police detective, was going over the boxes of evidence
with his subordinate, Sergeant McNeil. McNeil was an equally fit Doberman, great
in dealing with law breakers on the streets but not so good in the crime lab.
There was a good reason Labradors were the ones who commonly worked with forensics;
it seemed second nature to them.
McNeil
had been moved here after an incident with a perp. There had been no witnesses,
so it had been a criminal's word against a cop's, but the doctor's report had
shown that there had been penetration, and not by a bullet. McNeil had gotten a
little excited during the bust and had busted more than the law allowed. Let's
just say the guy couldn't sit during his questioning.
So
McPherson had moved him to the forensics department, figuring that he couldn't do
any harm and he was out of the public's eye until this mess blew over. While he
wasn't trained for a lot of the intrinsic work the lab did, there were a few
menial tasks he should be able to manage.
"McNeil,
I want you to go through all of these files." The captain said, pointing to a
box of ledgers.
"Sure
thing boss. What am I looking for?"
He
tossed a bundle of blank paper down in front of him. "I want you to go through
this box and sort out the entries by name and crime."
The
captain opened up the top ledger and ran through the first page. "They belong
to a guy we're charging with extortion, blackmail, rape, and a few other crimes
we're likely to find listed in these books. See how he has a name here,"
pointing to the first column, "followed how he met the victim, and then what
action he took against them."
McNeil
ran his nail down the page. "Geez boss, these are all dames!"
"You
catch on quick. What I need you to do is to write down the name of the victim
and what reason he gives for meeting her. I wantt the blackmail for money in
one pile, the blackmail for sexual favors in another, his extortion for jewelry
or other objects in a third, and then make any other categories you see fit."
"Got it
boss!"
"Good. Now
get to work. His preliminary hearing is in a few days and I'd like to be able t
start lining up victims willing to testify against him."
McNeil
went to work with a passion, writing furiously until he had pages of material
from the ledgers all sorted out by the lady's names and what he had met her
for. The Doberman wasn't into the ladies, but he felt a certain indignity for
their plight. No one deserved to be under another's thumb for any reason, not even
an unlawful one.
He was
just getting finished, and it was only hours before the hearing. McNeil was hurriedly
transcribing as fast as he could when one of the Labs walked in. It was Harold Candor,
a handsome fellow who seemed to sway the way that McNeil did. Any other time
the Doberman would have been grateful for a respite from his work, but today he
really needed to get finished.
"Hey McNeil.
How's it going?" he said with a swing of his tail.
"Not
now Harry. I'm almost finished with these. The boss needs them in a few hours."
"OK. No
problem. Do you want to do something after work?"
"Sure,
if I have any energy left. I've been working on these for days. I'll be glad to celebrate with a round of beers for all of the work I've put
into it."
"Alright
them, it's a date!" The Lab turned to leave when his happily wagging tail
struck the stacks of papers and sent them flying.
"NOOOOOOO!"
McNeil looked with horror at the mess of papers on the floor.
"Oh
shit! I'm sorry man. Here, let me help you!" The Lab began grabbing papers and
collating them as he came across them.
"Stop!
These were all in order you idiot!"
"Oh. Do
you think we can get them arranged again?"
"I
doubt it. I need to finish and get them up to the captain before the hearing.
If I get in trouble you had better back me up as to whose fault it is."
"I
will. And again, I said I was sorry." The Lab left and returned to his duties,
leaving the Doberman to stare at the mess.
When he
finally brought his work to the captain, the Husky began looking it over with a
pleased expression. But then, as he sorted through it all, he noticed pages out
of place. The farther he got, the more disorganized it was. Finally he growled
out. "What the hell do you call this mess sergeant?"
McNeil
looked suitably contrite. "I'm sorry sir. I seem to have mixed my met-her-fors."