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Dear Diary,

God, I hate saying that, so from now on, I'm gonna say, 'Dear Papers That I Tell My Secrets...' okay, maybe I won't call it that (I'll have to work on the name,), so I guess I'll just call you Diary for now.

So let's start over.

Dear Diary,

I guess the reason I'm writing in you is because I have so much on my mind that I can't hold it in my head anymore and you're the safest person (thing) I can talk to... despite the fact that all it takes to find out our secrets is just by someone opening your pages and reading the words I write- but we'll collapse that bridge when we get to it.

Well, I guess I should start with the beginning, which, wasn't all that long ago, actually. But, I had just moved to San Francisco to pursue my practice in illustration and I was looking for an apartment to rent that wasn't too expensive and within walking distance of my classes. It took some digging, but I had finally found this neat loft apartment that was only a five minute walk from my first class. The rooms were nice, roomy, and the allowed pets (which was another reason why I was looking for living off campus because of my dog Tyy).

The apartment was on the fourth floor out of six, so it had a pretty sweet view of the surrounding city, and, if I looked hard enough, I was be able to see the faint red tip of the roof of my first class's building. The people living on the same floor were really nice too, and made me feel welcome while I was checking out the apartment. But with all of these pros, there were a few cons that had me a little concerned; one was that I would be moving into an apartment with three other guys. You see, when I lived back in Pennsylvania, I had been living with eight other family members and literally over twenty-five dogs (I kid you not, it was hell), so I was looking for something a little more quieter than three young, overzealous men.

My other concern was that two of them were gay and the other was bisexual. I (at the time) had not been exposed to a lot of homosexual mingling, and wasn't gay as it was, so you could imagine the stereotyping thoughts I had and how uncomfortable I may have been. Not only that, but I had heard that there were other homosexual's in the building and they were all good friends and saw each other a lot, and I wasn't sure how I was feeling about that. I'll admit, I was kinda scared that they would turn me into a fag, but, looking back on it, I was very naive.

Needless to say, I overcame my pointless fear and decided to move in if they accepted me (which, they did). What can I say? The rent was pretty good, people were nice, they accepted my dog, and I was supper close to my classes, so only an idiot would pass this up just because of a small case of homophobia.

Good thing that 'small case' didn't last long.

~*~

Gregory (or just Greg), a lean lemur that normally wore a red bandanna, whipped his brow as he set down the last of my boxes on my bedroom floor. "Thanks Greg," I said and smiled up to him. I was still a little iffy about living with three dudes that may or may not be looking at my butt whenever my back is turned, but in the short time that I've been acquainted with the lemur, he's been really nice, quiet, and seemingly, uninterested.

The shirtless lemur just nodded and walked out of my room. He was cool, I just couldn't really tell if he was pissed off at everyone or he was just genially emotionless, whatever the case, I felt less pressured by him then I did by Mac (a muscle head dingo with more tattoos than fur) and Troy (a less muscular, little more irritating, black panther), but they seemed to be generally good guys. I hadn't really met the neighbors yet, but I knew that it wouldn't be long before I knew even more gay people.

I started to unpack my boxes; taking out Tyy's dog-bed and water dish first so he could have something to sleep on (other than my unmade bed) and something to drink while I got settled in. Tyy was a chiapom (a mixture of a Chihuahua and Pomeranian), not exactly my two favorite mixtures, but when my aunt brought him over to my house that one night four and a half years ago, I knew that I just couldn't live without him. Now I can't imagine life without him.

I watched as the small dog curled up into his bed, flopped down and closed his eyes. Too cute.

I turned my attention back to unpacking, and, me being an artist-in-the-making, I had a lot of stuff; portraits, posters, canvases, two laptops, three different types of drawing pads, some hundred kinds of different pencils, pens and paintbrushes, and iPad, too many sketchbooks and portfolios, and not to mention all of my clothes. I like to dress up a lot, and I have a thing for skinny jeans (which might not be such a good idea, living with men that are attracted to other men, but then again, I have no reason to believe that they find me attractive) and beanies, I love beanies, always have one on my head and one that matches every outfit I have.

There was also the clothes and stuff that I... modified. If I get bored with something (like a plain shirt or lamp), I have this tendency to paint or draw on them to liven them up a bit. Not exactly the healthiest habit I possess, but it keeps me skillfully in shape. So as you can imagine, I have a lot of stuff to pack into this little (not really little, it's actually a lot more space than I thought) room.

I pulled out my phone and speakers and put on some music. I turned it up, but not too loud that it would bother the others, but loud enough that when I sang along, I was only a background voice for the main singer.

I jumped when a voice said "Hey," from behind me. I looked to see a smiling blue eyed lynx's head pop through my window. I couldn't tell if the lynx was a he or a she, it's face was very soft like it's voice, so I assumed it was a she.

"Hhhhhhi?" I said, unsure of how to feel at a random person popping in through my window.

"You must be the new guy, Boe right?" I nodded. "I'm Tyler, I live upstairs. Just wanted to welcome you to the family!"

"You couldn't have just come through the front door?"

Tyler shook her head. "Nope, I lost a bet and owe Troy money, but I don't wanna pay it right now." She giggled before he rested her forearms on the windowpane (that I hadn't realized was open until just now) and rested her chin on her hands. "So how're you liking the building?"

If she wasn't so cute, I would have thought she was crazy. I nodded and looked around my (now messy) room. "I like it, lot of nice people, close to school, not too expensive... I really couldn't ask for a better place to stay."

~It was about ten seconds from that moment that I regretted saying that~

"I DID NOT YOU FAGGOT!" A muffled voice (Troy I think) yelled from the living room.

"YOU'RE A FOGGOT TOO, DUMBASS!" Another (Mac) yelled back.

Tyler and I were silent for a moment before the lynx said; "Weeeelllll Imma go now, good luck getting any peace and quiet with those two at each other's necks... again..."

My ear flicked. Again??? Back when I was living in PA, my mom and grandma and great aunt and... well, everyone I lived with always fought with each other and it always pissed me off... I don't know if I could live with more people who constantly fought.

"Anywho, welcome to the building, you're cuter then the boys described you as." She said, winking and clicking her tongue. "See ya!" and with that, she disappeared climbing up the latter back to her floor.

A part of me wanted to stop her so she could keep me company (or keep my attention away from the arguing that was going on outside my door), but I let her leave. It was at that moment that I realized, this was going to be a whole lot more than what I bargained for...

~So, I know what you're thinking, 'Boe, you're just overreaction, everything will turn out fine!' and for the most part, you're right... but those few first weeks of my moving in were mental hell, and not to mention that two out of three of the boys I live with have been strutting around in the building nearly butt naked showing fur that I had no business seeing. At first, I thought that they were just being boys (because I used to do the same thing when I was alone in my house on rare occasions), but after about a week and a half, I started noticing that they were flexing and (seemingly) casually posing when I was looking. I started putting the pieces together and realized that they were doing it for me. At the time, I thought that they were just hitting on me; you know, trying to get me into bed with them. I thought that, that was all gay people thought about; sex sex sex!

Boy was I wrong...

About two or three weeks into my first being there, I had met someone at the school that I've been attending;~

I was walking out of my class building on my way home when I had accidently bumped into Dalmatian, making him drop the books and papers that he was carrying. "Damnit, I'm sorry," I said, immediately crouching down to help him pick up his stuff.

"Oh it's okay," he said, his voice deeper than mine, but cheerier by nature. "I wasn't watching where I was goi-..." he stopped as he looked at me, freezing half way through his retracting arm to bring his papers back into his chest. "Y-you're Boe right?" he asked.

I looked up to him, seeing his deep brown eyes peer into my emerald green ones. "How'd you guess?"

He gave a crooked smile and held his hand out. "I'm Kahn, I live on the fifth floor in our building. I meant to stop by sooner to welcome you to the neighborhood, but I've just been getting pounded with homework, I haven't really found the time."

I smiled and nodded. "Well, thanks."

We both stood up when all of his things were back in his arms. He was a little bit taller than me, but I wasn't really surprised at that; I am an arctic fox after all, not many species are much smaller than mine. "How are you liking your stay? Mac and Troy aren't being assholes to you, are they?"

I shook my head. "Nah, they've hardly paid me any attention." That was a lie, all that they've been doing is trying to get my attention these past few weeks. It was almost obnoxious, but a part of me was kind of flattered. I mean, I was being hit on my good looking guys (yes, I said good looking. Just because I'm straight doesn't mean that I can't appreciate other guys looks) even though I was a guy myself, now I know that I'm good looking enough to be on, not only girls radars, but guys gaydars too.

The Dalmatian chuckled and nodded his head. There was a short silence, he looked around for a moment and I waited until he was done so I could get going home. "Hey uh," Kahn started, and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He took his time as he fought for words, letting my uncomfort sink in even deeper. He sighed, and rubbed his neck while he looked down before he looked back up to me. "There's no easy way of saying this, and I'm not going to lie; you're pretty cute..."

I cursed mentally. I knew that this was coming, I was just waiting for someone to come out and tell me. I'm not saying that I'm good looking or tooting my own horn or anything, I just had that feeling that the clock was just ticking, and here was zero.

"I was uh, wondering, would you like to go out sometime?" he finally asked.

I sighed, looking around for any excuse to leave without giving him an answer, but nothing came into sight. I had to let him down, but I had to do it gently, we did live in the same building after all and that it would be awkward if I were to be too hasty. "Uh, Kahn right?" I asked, and he nodded. "I would like to, but, I'm not gay... I mean, don't get me wrong, you're an attractive guy, but, just not exactly my kind of... gender..."

Kahn looked kinda depressed about it, but it had to be done. I couldn't date someone I have no interest in, and while I admitted that he was an attractive person, he was still a he, and I was looking for a she... like Tyler. Tyler was cute, spontaneous and seemed nice enough, she was someone I'd like to go out with some day, and while Kahn looked and seemed nice enough, he was still male and I don't think I could do that.

"Sorry," I said.

He shrugged and forced a chuckle. "Eh, no big deal... I would like to get to know you thought, not as a date!" he added that last part quickly.

I thought about that one. I didn't really want to get too close to someone who was (clearly) interested in me, but still, it wouldn't hurt to have a friend in this new town. Besides, I already said that the Dalmatian seemed nice, and making a friend out of him couldn't be too bad... right? "I would like that too." I said.

His tail started to wag and his floppy ears perked a bit. "Mind if we walk home together?"

~Needless to say, we became pretty good friends in a short amount of time. Kahn was nice; we hardly ever talked about his attraction towards me and we got along with each other about nearly everything. Mac and Troy had pestered me about finally changing my sexuality, but I would just brush them off and ignore their vain attempts at showing off for me. Things were going along pretty nicely, and I was finally starting to feel more comfortable being around all these guys... until that one day...~

Kahn had come over one evening after school because we were helping each other with our homework. Greg and Mac weren't home and Troy was at someone else's apartment in the building for dinner I think, so it was just Kahn, Tyy, and me.

We had just finished our math homework and we were going to move onto science after a short break, but our short break turned into a long break when our conversations got more and more interesting. "So, so wait a minute, you actually lived with over twenty dogs in your previous home?" he asked in disbelieve (the reaction I normally got).

"Yep, my grandma had six, mom had two, I had one," I gestured to Tyy, who was sleeping on the floor by my feet. "And my aunt had... more than all more then all of us combined, not to mention the puppies that her dogs kept having..."

He laughed. "How'd you get any peace and quiet?"

"I didn't." I said, smiling over to him. "Not at school, or work, or home. It was constant noise twenty-four-seven!"

"I kinda feel bad now."

"Eh don't, to be honest, this is one of the quietest places I've ever lived." I said, bending down and patting Tyy between his ears. "Sure, Mac and Troy have their days and all I wanna do is ring them by the neck, but they're good guys. They respect my privacy a hell of a lot more then my mom and grandmother ever did, and more fun too."

He smiled. "Yeah, they can be pretty cool..." he said, but the Dalmatian sounded distant as he sat next to me and looked me in the eye. I knew what he was thinking about; me. I wasn't stupid, I could tell when someone was crushing from a mile away, and this dog was very bad at hiding his feelings.

I'll admit, I have thought about it; going out with him and just trying it out. Seeing what it felt like to be with another man, but I was more scared than curious. I've been with girls before, I know their feel, what their like, and Kahn was entirely different; he wasn't perky, he was laid back, he was giggly and airheaded, he was funny and levelheaded; almost the exact opposite of what I'm used to. See, I know how to deal with women; men think that they're so complicated (and they are), but not impossible to figure out, and neither are men, but when it comes to a romantic relationship... I just didn't even know where to start.

"Alright Boe," Kahn finally said, repositioning himself so that he was completely facing my direction. "I thought that I could just be friends, but I can't. The time that we've had to get to know each other has just made me want you more, and I know that you're straight, but I want you to at least give me a shot..."

I looked back at him, not knowing what to say. I wanted to say yes and no at the same time, and I tried to say either one, but all that came out were jumbled syllables that just made me sound like a choking dog (no pun intended Tyy...). Then, without warning, Kahn slowly started to get closer, aiming his muzzle for mine. "Kahn..." I said, trying to look away but always finding myself looking right back at his muzzle.

"If you want me to stop," he began, still getting closer. "Just tell me to stop." He whispered.

I tried to say stop, I really did, but my throat would close up every time I started to make a noise.

"Just tell me to stop..." he said, even quieter as he got closer. I could tell that he was holding himself back; he wanted to just lunge onto me, but he had self-control, and I had to admire that.

Eventually, even I knew that it was too late; I could feel his breath on my lips, and mine on his. After what felt like forever, Kahn's lips finally reached mine. It felt warm, different. It wasn't like kissing a girl at all; girl's lips were soft and submissive, Kahn was different; his was more dominant and forceful, but not entirely unpleasant.

I felt him gently pry my mouth open with his lips and his tongue slid in and brushed against mine. I felt his hands slide up my chest to grab my cheeks as he got a little more forceful. I could feel his body starting to push into mine, forcing me onto my back on the couch with him over top of me. I've never been kissed like this before. I've always been the more dominate one, being in Kahn position rather than this, now I was the one being dominated. It felt... kinda good... weird, but good. It felt like I didn't have to do much but kiss back, leaving him to do all of the work. It was a nice change of feeling, but eventually, Kahn pulled away and looked down onto my eyes. "Wow," I whispered, my heart skipping every other beat as I looked into his deep brown eyes.

Damn it, I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I should be falling for him. I'm straight... I'm straight... I like girls... I like girls... I like Kahn...

"Took the words right out of my mouth..." The Dalmatian said, his tail thumping on the back of the couch as it wagged happily. He licked my chin and I couldn't help but giggle at the tickling feeling. Fuck, now I'm the giggly girl. How could I feel so helpless to another man, how can I melt like butter, be at the mercy of this dog? He had everything that I wanted, and I knew that now, I just couldn't see it before because he was male. I can't believe that I was so narrow sighted to believe that I could only be pleasured by girls.

The longer I looked at Kahn, the more attractive he looked, the more attractive Mac and Troy and Greg looked, the more attractive men looked in general. This was exactly what I was afraid of, and now that it was here...

It didn't look so bad...

~*~

And that's how I lost my small case of homophobia. It wasn't so bad, I'll admit, and after that day, Kahn and I became REALLY good friends, thought, we didn't have sex at first; even though I had just kissed another boy, I was still pretty cautious about the whole thing. I wanted to take things slow and he was totally fine with it, even though we were both horny young men, we kept our dicks in our pants and just enjoyed the feel of each other. We started to sleep together, first in just boxers, then nothing at all. That's when I got the most skeptical; I've seen other men naked before, but not that close, and feeling his sex on my rear when he would put his arm around me and pulled me in close. It was weird, really weird, weirder than when we first kissed, but eventually, it started to feel good, and I started to want more... I wanted to know what it felt like to have another man inside of me. At that time, I thought it was horrible to have those thoughts, but then again, I was getting exactly what I wanted; experience, testing, trying it out.

It goes without saying that we eventually did it, but...

That's a story for another time...

Talk to you later,

~Boe

_ _

Dear Book... Dear Secrets... Dear Journal...

Nope, still can't think of anything...