Sunshine Days - Chapter 19
Jonathan had thought that after a very long day of physical activity, mental and emotional stress, and a droning, overly sanctimonious film he'd be worn out enough to fall asleep without having to take his Lunatol. Crawling in to bed, he had felt his eyes drooping and his jaw practically unhinging to accommodate the sheer volume of his yawn. He'd felt confident that finding sleep that night would be no trouble at all. But the longer he laid there, waiting for unconsciousness to drift over his mind and bring him to rest, he found that his mind was not quite as willing to nod off just yet. It recounted the events of the day, from that morning behind the cabin all the way to walking back from the showers. It had been a long day indeed, but even though his body was exhausted, his brain seemed more wired that it had been all day.
His thoughts gradually returned to Joey again, remembering how the pup had smirked and started tapping away at his flip phone. The paranoia crept back into him, grasping its gnarled, boney paw around his mind and squeezing tight. He couldn't stop thinking about what it could have meant and what hid behind that vicious, knowing little grin. It seemed he'd only know for certain what it meant when the others came back to camp. And even though tomorrow seemed like a million miles away, he kept opening his eyes to see just how much of the night was slipping away and how little sleep would come as a result of it. Each minute and each hour that ticked on by was a minute and an hour that he wouldn't be getting any rest. 'I'm going to be so tired tomorrow...' was a recurring thought which only increased his anxiety.
At around half past three in the morning, Jonathan finally caved in. He sat up and sighed, opening his eyes for the first time in over an hour. He felt stupid for thinking that he could attempt to go a night without his precious sleeping aid, staying wide awake all the way until three in the morning as a result. His folly had left him with only about four or five hours of sleep...and that was if he could just close his eyes and knock off immediately after. Though at that point, it seemed less and less likely. He groaned in frustration and hugged his knees.
His ears picked up the sounds of David snoring softly below him. He envied the pup's ability to just fall asleep like there wasn't a care in the world to keep him wide awake. He wondered what that would be like, not having to constantly worry about everything. The world was so much easier for people like David, unburdened by stress and worry.
Silently, he crept down the ladder and dug through his duffel bag for his medication. He popped a pill in his paw and looked at it with distain. He tiptoed to the door and made his way across the camp to the Bathroom where he took a drink from the fountain on the outside wall before heading back.
After shutting the door as gently as he could behind himself, he looked across the room and saw that David was still sound asleep. He made his way back across the room as quietly as he could. Just as he was setting his foot on the first rung of the ladder, David asked in a foggy voice, "Jonathan?"
Jonathan froze. Through the dark, he could see David's eyes were still closed but the sound of his rhythmic breathing had stopped. David lifted his brow to open one eye, looking up at him with fuddled curiosity. Jonathan wasn't sure what to say. He just stood there with one foot propped up, his mouth pulled back in a little cringe, and the tip of his tail twitching back and forth nervously. David breathed in deeply through his nose and pushed himself up until he was sitting up in bed.
"Everything okay, kitty?" He asked.
"Y-yeah...I just needed to take my Lunatol."
David nodded and frowned a little, his eyes drifted shut again as he seemed to stare through his eyelids off into nowhere. As Jonathan was about to ascend the stairs, David asked, "Why....mmph...why didn't you take it earlier?"
Jonathan shrugged a little and frowned, "I dunno...just thought I didn't need it after today."
Instead of lying back down and rolling back to sleep, David pushed himself to the edge of the bed next to the ladder. He was still naked, his gut hanging lightly over his flaccid sheath and hanging testicles. "But you're having trouble sleeping?"
"Yes..." Jonathan said trying not to sound aggravated about repeating himself.
"Are you..." He yawned and idly scratched his cheek. "...still worried about that thing with Joey?" David asked.
It was one of those awkward moments when Jonathan felt like he rarely gave his friend enough credit. David could be very astute despite his other shortcomings.
"Yeah, actually..." Jonathan said. He took his foot off of the rung and stepped around in front of the pup.
David patted the mattress gently at his side, gesturing Jonathan to have a seat next to him. He did without having any complaints about the other's state of dress. David put an arm around his side and turned his head to nuzzle him.
"Why does it still bother you?" he asked, sounding oddly mature.
Jonathan frowned and looked off into the darkness of the room. "I dunno...I just worry sometimes what other people think of me, you know?"
David nodded.
"But...I know I shouldn't really care what people think of me here...Except maybe you and Vince. I'm going home in a week and I won't remember anyone here except you guys. I..." He wondered to himself if it necessarily was about appearances. He knew it was at school and when he was out with his parents in public. But here was a blank slate for him to remodel and create a new character for himself in a place far from home. He could have acted like those popular kids when he first showed up but of course he didn't. It had never crossed his mind. He had stayed the same person he'd been before he even got on the bus to head to camp. This wasn't about appearances or getting made fun of by his peers at camp. No, his real concern was about getting in trouble.
David nosed him curiously. "John?"
Jonathan came back up out of his thoughts and said, "No...I'm worried because I don't want my parents to find out I'm..." Gay.
David's paw rubbed little circles over his shoulder blade and he responded, "You're not gonna get in trouble. I swear on my late, great aunt Peggy's grave that you won't get in trouble." He lifted his paw with the three center fingers raised in a boy scout salute. "Scout's honor."
Jonathan smiled a little but his eyes still read of worry. "If you say so..."
"And besides," David continued, going further than he should have in his train of thought, "What's the worst that could happen."
Jonathan lit up with about a hundred different ways to answer that question, wondering where to even start. He turned and looked at the canine. David smiled back at him reassuringly.
"Plenty of things..." Jonathan said softly. David's smile didn't change, it seemed to have expected that answer from him. "We could get sent home early. We could each get in lots of trouble with our parents."
"I know," David interjected, "Gay kids like us can get kicked out of our homes and stuff...it happens, like, all the time."
Jonathan opened his mouth in surprise. The thought of getting kicked out of home had never occurred to him before, though it seemed horrific and unbearably tragic, like imagining a parent dying or losing everything they owned.
"That's why I haven't come out to my parent's yet..." David said softly, his paw now lying on the bed instead of on his back. "I'm afraid they'll reject me and make me live out on the streets...I'm gonna wait until college before I tell them, so if shit gets real I can just stay in a dorm or with a friend..."
Jonathan nodded, "Makes sense..."
David shrugged and sighed, "Yeah...I'm a little worried that my parent's will find out but I don't think it'll happen. Plus, I mean, they knew I fooled around with Avery but they never punished me for it..."
Jonathan pulled his feet up on the bed, sitting cross-legged next to David. "I dunno what my parent's would do...My dad might kick me out but my mom might be okay with it..." He paused for a second, waiting for the canine to respond. He looked up and saw the attentiveness on David's face, as if waiting for him to continue. David, normally the talkative type who'd verbally bowl people over in a conversation, was hanging off his words. He looked wide awake and genuinely interested.
"My dad..." Jonathan continued, "Is kind of a hard ass...I mean, he can be really fun too sometimes. We go places and do stuff together, have little Father-Son days to ourselves. He once took me out of school to go to Bloko Land." He smiled at the memory. "I didn't even know why. I just got called to the office one morning and there was my dad, waiting to take me there. We rode roller coasters all day and he bought me a large Bloko set with about six hundred blocks in it. He does stuff like that sometimes.
"But other times he seems distant and....I dunno. Cold, maybe. He's also really involved in the church. He and my mom both are but my dad makes us go every Sunday, Wednesday, and sometimes Saturdays when something big was going on. I've never heard either of them talk about being gay but I imagine if they knew, it might turn out badly for me. I think maybe if he didn't kick me out or punish me, he'd still get, like, a bad reputation with our church. We go to one of those mega churches. It's called..." He furrowed his brow in thought, "The Rock of Christ's Foundation" or something like that. It's a mouthful so everyone just calls it 'Rock Baptist' or 'The Rock.' It's so big, it even has its own radio station, which is also called, 'The Rock.' Creative, huh?"
David grinned and nodded.
"But...my dad's really important in the church. I don't know exactly what he is but I think it could cost him his position in the church if they all knew his son was...gay."
"What about your mom?"
Jonathan thought for a second before answering, "I dunno...my mom used to be as religious as my dad but...Since they started arguing and fighting a lot, she's been less and less...religious, I suppose. She told me that she used to read a lot of sci-fi and fantasy before they were married. I was watching some old Star Trek on TV when I was home sick from school and she came home early to check on me. She saw what I was watching and told me that she'd grown up on that show, as well as all sorts of other sci-fi shows. We spent the whole afternoon talking about it until dad came home. She even found an old box of books in the attic but told me not to let dad find out... She seemed a little weird about it." He frowned a little. "But she let me watch those shows when he wasn't around. She introduced me to all sorts of other stuff like Doctor Who and Twilight Zone and Outer Limits. She'd even watch them with me. Dad still doesn't know...
"Even though I sometimes like spending time with my dad, I still prefer talking to my mom about things. I think she'd be more understanding if she knew I was gay. I mean, for all I know, my dad would probably belt whip me or..." He flinched a little as he remembered the time he broken the sliding glass door and his father picked him up and slammed him into a wall in a fit of rage. There were other times when his rage boiled over, like the seventh time he'd forgotten to take the trash out to the road and his father threw a laundry basket around the room and shouted down at him, making him shrink against the kitchen counter until his mother intervened and pulled her husband off of him.
"...or something. Besides, I know they're probably going to be getting divorced soon... I've heard them talking about it and they've been fighting a lot. I'd probably be the one to cause them to split..."
David instinctively put his arm back around the feline and pulled him close. He didn't say anything though. Jonathan was contemplative for a moment.
"Yeah...No doubt, I'm going to go live with my mom. As much as I love my dad, I don't think I can live with him. At least not right now. It's weird...the more my dad has gotten into the church, the more my mom has started to...I dunno, not be into the church. She does weird things now. She got her hair cut kinda short and she's started smoking. She's also gotten a little violent too. One time when my parents were fighting she threw one of those candles in a glass jar at him. It missed but it left a huge hole in the wall. She's also starting hitting him and making threats...but she wasn't always like that. Only since they started having money issues and arguing all the time.
"I was talking to my mom. I asked her if they were going to get a divorce and she was quiet for a second. She said she didn't know but if they did they wouldn't make me feel forced to live with either one. She also told me that they'd talked to our Pastor and asked him for marriage counseling."
Jonathan scowled as he remembered what she'd told him. "She said that they told them that there was nothing he could do for them...They didn't have any marriage counseling and they'd have to go somewhere else for that. After all the hours of dedication and service they donated to the church, after spending whole days organizing luncheons and potlucks for them, after giving more money to them each and every week, THEY couldn't help them." His paws balled up into angry fists. "They gave so much of their time to the church and got nothing in return. Nothing . Not a damn thing!"
David shifted a little uneasily, seeing that Jonathan was starting to get worked up over the matter.
Jonathan trembled, clenching his fists. He breathed in and said, "You know what? FUCK church! FUCK_them and their stupid, fucking people! My parents gave them everything and they got jack _SHIT in return when they asked for help. Fuck them and their stupid fucking bookstore, their stupid fundraisers, their stupid fucking radio station and chapel renovation! FUCK those fuckers!"
Jonathan didn't hear David's soft whine of concern as he rubbed his shoulders. Jonathan was shaking more and digging his claws into the palm pad of his hand. They unclenched as the rage dissipated into sorrow. His eyes welled up so suddenly, blurring his vision even more than it already was.
"I prayed so much..." He said, his voice softer and broken. "I thought if I asked God to help them through this, he would. But the church won't even help them. I prayed and asked God to keep them together...I don't think he's going to help me." His lip trembled. He snorted back the snot that filling his nose and wiped his paws over his eyes.
He looked up at the canine and saw that his eyes were wet as well; looking back at him through the dark with all the sadness and sympathy a gaze could offer. David pulled him in close and hugged him tight. Jonathan clenched his eyes, feeling the hot tears squeezing out and soaking into the canine's fur. He hugged David back.
He pulled away and looked up at David, still seeing the love and concern for him in his eyes. Jonathan said softly, "I know what it's like to feel abandoned... I don't feel God in my life anymore. He's just gone... He's not going to help either of us."
"Don't say that," David said gently, rubbing his paws on Jonathan's shoulders. Jonathan knew how much it hurt to hear that and knew why David would deny it. The words tasted awful and sour as they rolled off his tongue. But it was the harsh and honest truth.
They looked at each other for a while, their eyes wet and red with tears. David pulled back in, hugging him tighter than before. Jonathan felt some comfort there in the boy's arms, feeling closer than he ever had to him. It was more than just a friend, or even a _boy_friend. He'd found a kindred spirit in him. They were both forsaken. It was their troubles that bound them together, compassion that made them support one another, and love to become stronger. Jonathan would wonder much later if their meeting was fate or was really the work of God himself.
As the old adage goes, God works in mysterious ways.