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As I finally decided to jump off from the Cliff of Fame I didn't think of what I achieved in my life, what good experiences I had had but what I regretted, what I didn't make done and indeed what I did not achieve. I never really achieve the acceptance for me being with my boyfriend Michael from my parents since they always avoided and evaded to talk about my sexuality and my dearly beloved relationship with him. My mother did give me the acceptance that I partially needed before she died but it did not completely filled the void that I felt inside my burning heart. My father did not want to have anything to do with Michael and barely talked with me but I still felt that it was necessary to get the acceptance from him... but it never happened as I found out in the apartment he hanged himself because of the depression of losing his wife and not going to be what he had wished for, a grandfather.

I felt the harsh wind blew through my being as I fell from the pit of the mountain and downward to the water which was filled with sharp rocks both on the surface and on the bottom. I wished that the wind could cleanse me for the feelings that I experienced through the fall; I felt deep abyss like despair, incurable grieves, heavy sadness and not to mention the all penetrating fear that engulfed me even though I decided with my heart to end my life. From the falling I shortly saw a silhouette in the water and of course I thought that it was me but when I was milliseconds from hitting the water I saw... Michael's reflection reaching out for me. What I was doing now, falling into the embrace of Death, was something I began to question but it was too late, the damage was done and I hit the water with such force that I was sure that I died. But I still retained my consciousness for some reasons...

The body and the head that limited my inner feelings from getting exposed or expressed were now able to show their true colors and meaning: As my body exploded into million shimmering stars out to the void of nothingness the emotions and sensation changed into moving motions, showing what they contained like a play movie but with far greater realism and still had a beautiful fade away out on the edges. I saw what I felt right before I felt into the void of emptiness: My choices of letting Michael to be alone instead of joining him because of my withdrawn and introvert personality. Many times I really wanted to share my boyfriend's reading and activities to show my care and love to him but was never really truly able to because of my behavior. I saw my mother's funeral where all her friends and her family members stood around her deep grave in great grief. I had wondered many times if I was going to be able to gather so many important and life confirming friends as she did throughout her life as a way to see if my existence meant something to everybody, that my being mattered for someone or somebody. I saw myself crying silently where everybody around the grave had gathered their attention to my dead mother's coffin that now was getting covered by the traditional dust and dirt the priest threw for biblical reasons. I remember that I cried for several reasons; of course I cried because my most important parental supporter died but I also recognized the feeling of loss that scratched my heart much more than once, the feeling of being left behind again by a person of great importance and the feeling of not complete something optimal where the sensation and emotion of failure would follow right after. I saw my many failures in the primary school both technical and social; I was clever in school in the humanistic faculty but failed terrible at the scientific faculty. My social competences were quite hindered and had little progression through my time in the school; I was socially awkward by thinking abnormal and unusual compared to the other 'healthy' pupils. My way of expressing was at that time normally through figurative languages as my fellow pupils would see me as a strange and weird wolf. I couldn't help it but doing it because it was so natural for me to think imaginary.

One moving motion memory contained my view of life with fantastic illustrations: I often saw my days as dark because of my severe depression and it was illustrated with a normal day in my life where the sun was eclipsing which gave a dark and sinister glow over my world. The eclipse had happened extremely many times and many times it happened in many days or weeks in a row. The only times where the eclipse didn't show were the times I dreamed about better future or dreaming the idealistic imaginations with my boyfriend but sometimes it was there in the night because of my nightmares. The people I knew where my relationship with them, in my own eyes, was bad were illustrated with physical condition: The worse I thought my relationship was with them the more rotten they seemed to be. It was scary looking to see my own reality to be illustrated like that but at that time I didn't know that my relationships with them weren't that bad after all.

I heard indeed sad sounds around me that fit the illustrated memories but I wouldn't say music since the sounds were sounds I didn't had heard before but knew what their purpose were. It was quite hard to explain how they sound but I just knew what they were doing for.

But the funny thing was that I wasn't able to feel anything at all and it was neither emptiness nor nothingness I felt when I didn't feel anything. It was instead quite refreshing in a way that didn't feel exactly as the refreshing I knew but it was good for a change to be free for all these heavy emotions and watch them while being free for their content feelings. I floated through my emotions and saw their contents but then the emotions slowly began to gather around me and in the end enter my mind where the feelings of each memory could be felt one by one. My mind got extremely heavy in a pace that was faster than the fastest depression I had ever tried. I nearly got insane by this incidence and I would say that my sanity was on the verge of getting out of control but I was able to restrain the insanity to enter my chaotic mind. I wanted to shed tears but was not able to because of my nonexistence.

Now I felt weird and something were pouring out where I was supposed to be; the one line was made with what looked like extremely small black holes that gave ominous and swallowing sounds and the other was made by small but glimmering, clinking stars. Each of them made an ever shifting circle and as time went by I was at first barely able to see any activity inside these circles of black holes and stars. Then I could see motions in each circle and I was quite unsure about if they also were my emotions from my mind that were about to get illustrated. The circle of black holes showed something that I was sure didn't show my memories but instead it showed my boyfriend Michael crying in front of a glass coffin... where I was in. Was this the future of me? Was I already dead? I was confused and wanted some answers.

Then I switched my attention to the circle of glimmering stars and it showed my boyfriend and I being together in a way I haven't experienced before: We were out in a forest and ran together beside each other, talking about I couldn't hear but could see was funny. We ended up in a pavilion that was in the forest and apparently Michael had made a romantic surprise for me; a table of delicious and fine food with expensive but great looking silverware and shiny plates where lightened candles were at the edges and a beautiful cloth with crimson red roses. I was sure that this was something I was not able to remember; maybe it was something I had forgotten because of my depression and other damaging experiences.

I felt a curiosity that carved into my mind as I wanted to have answers to these illustrations in the shifting circles. I switched my attention back to the circle of black holes.

I saw my glass coffin where I was in it and I was putted into my grave. Only few of friends of me had showed up and didn't really show any sympathy for my crying Michael. They were only looking down upon me with a cynical looks and seemed to not care less. Now Michael had bowed down to the suffering he was experiencing as he kneeled down and cried uncontrollably. I couldn't hear it but I could see that his lips were yelling for me and something else. I guessed he said that he wanted me back as I would have done when I was in the same situation. I felt like frowning even though I didn't have physical form in the void. I decided to continue watching the dark and depressive illustration. Michael had tried to recover from the loss of me but he seemed to have deep trouble at his work which was expressed by him having deficit in his inherited company for the first time in his position as the boss. He seemed to be really stressed and I could see some similarities in his expressions when he was not well and when I was not in wellbeing. In itself it did show some bad signs for Michael's future and thus I decided to look at the other illustration made by glimmering and clinking stars.

But the illustration of the happy life seemed now to be farther away than before and there were fewer stars to circle around the illustration. But I was still able to watch the illustration of happiness clearly: I saw that Michael was waiting for me at his home after I finished my study at the University and made sure that I went happily into his house. Like the former illustration of this circle he had made another romantic surprise for me, this time he covered the windows for the evening sun and had turn off the light and had taken hundreds of candles, lit them and placed them at the table and the corners so it had relaxing and romantic effect in the room. What I could see on my own expression Michael had also made the apartment smell of wonderful flowers. I was amazed and Michael showed me through his house and leaded me into the living room where the radio with stereo set was playing music. What it was playing I could not hear but I guessed it was something really beautiful and calming, even romantic again. He showed me the table where he had made my favorite dinner, fish soup. The starter was tuna mousse. I felt wonderful watching these ever so joyful illustrations but it seemed that the illustration was now farther away since I last noticed it and I noticed that some of the stars got extinguished slowly which left fewer and fewer stars to keep the circle shifting. I didn't want it to go out since I wanted to watch what was going to happen. After we ate my favorite meal he kneeled down and... proposed to me?! Sensation of refreshed love and gladness left me with no imaginable words and I could clearly see that my illustrative me said yes to this propose. Now I was sure I was going to able to watch the circle of black holes thus I switched my focus upon the depressive illustration. This time it seemed to be a lot more realistic and close than before.

Firstly I saw myself in the buried coffin where I had begun to decay and then the scenery changed to Michael and his office at his company. There was a meeting and Michael seemed to be quite depressed and stressed. The news that the meeting gave didn't seem to shock Michael and what I could read the deficits had gone so big that it seemed impossible to change it unless they declared the company for bankrupt or changed the leader of the company. I could understand that the intentions of the people who met up to this meeting wanted to change the boss and it seemed Michael knew it as well. After his loss of me he was seemingly not able to control and lead a big company as this. I guessed that he had been a victim of the depression called manic-depression which was quite common for business people in deep trouble and a victim of the normal but heavy depression. To my sadness Michael collapsed under the meeting and the staff called the emergency line. The scenery changed to my coffin again and I was now unrecognizable because of the putrefaction. It nearly felt as I was inside the coffin since the illustration was so more real and closer than before.

I immediately looked at the now faint illustration the slowly shifting circle of few glimmering stars provided. We were about to get married in the church near the Cliff of Fame. Many had shown up to this marriage. Apparently I was the one who was going to walk on the wedding line to the wedding altar where Michael would wait and where we would give our yes to give our lives to each other forever. But before I could see this happening the illustration finally faded away as there were no stars to keep the circle shifting around. No. I wanted to feel the joy of the marriage and I was denied at the moment before it happened. Even though I didn't switched to the other circle the scenario changed into the one with the black holes:

I was inside the coffin and I had a body now I could use. It was pitch black and I could barely move the little space inside the glass coffin. I tried with all my force to open the coffin but it didn't budge a one bit and when I finally gave up the coffin began to sink deeper into the ground. The dirt and ground disappeared and I could see an illustration of my boyfriend crying over my picture of us being happy together. In the other hand he was holding a kitchen knife. No! I tried to break out of the glass coffin but failed and I tried to yell and knock at the coffin but no sound came out. Michael laid the picture aside and placed the knife right over his wrist in a way that would mean dead if he did it right. I panicked and I used all the strength this body could muster but to no avail. I began to cry and felt worse than ever to watch my own lover commit suicide after I did mine. He cut his wrist and a lot of blood poured out immediately in an ominous looking way. His head was now tilting slowly backwards as the blood flood out of his cut wrist. His expression was sadder my own saddest expression that I had ever made. What have I done?! He let his body fall backwards on the bed where the blood was now clear all over the place where he was. NO!

The illustration faded away into darkness and I was still in the glass coffin. I cried as never before, cried so much that I feared my eyes would explode. I felt powerless and helplessness in a new way and I was sadder than ever. The coffin seemed to get closer or... smaller! The sites of the coffin got smaller and I could feel that I was going to get crushed to death even though I didn't know if I was already death. Maybe this was the afterlife or maybe not. Whatever it was I was going to die yet again. Right before I felt that my body couldn't take any more pressure a crack showed in front of me and showed the brightest and warmest light. It destroyed the coffin and freed me...

I had objected to the doctors' suggestion of turning off the respirator my lover Jonas was in but they said that the chance of him waking up was so small and so insignificant that there was no meaning for keep doing it anymore. I didn't want it to happen as I felt something big was going to happen. But now the decision was made; they were going to shut it off and kill my lover. I asked to go inside Jonas respirator room and say the final goodbye. They let me do it.

As I went inside I felt such powerlessness and helplessness as never before and my hope of a bright future with my lover was extinguishing with the power that went out for the respirator... Then the impossible happened! As I looked upon my boyfriend's face apparently for the last time he... opened his eyes! I couldn't believe at first and I was in happy shock. Jonas was blinking few times and took the first breathe which he did now on his own.

"Jonas!" I yelled out of spontaneity and leap forward to place my paws on the bed he was placed on.

Jonas was looking around and looked quite confused but when he saw me he calmed down and gave a smile that was true. It lit my heart anew and I felt alive than never before. My boyfriend survived against all the odds!

"Jonas! Oh Jonas! You piece of shit! You had me worried to oblivion!" I yelled at his face in happiness whereas my eyes began to be filled with tears of joy. I couldn't explain the greatness of this happening with words. Jonas took few deep breathes and asked barely audible:

"How long have I... been like this?"

"You have been in coma for months and the doctors were about to shut down the respirator but... but... you woke you... idiotic... selfish wolf!"

I kneeled down beside the bed and began to cry on the quilt and kept saying words towards Jonas that I really didn't meant but knew he knew it as well. Right after the doctors entered the room and stood there in awe and didn't believe what they saw; what they thought was impossible had happened, a patient in months of coma had awakened right before the shutdown. The finally gave in to their celebrative actions and went over to me and Jonas but I asked them leaves us for some moments of peace so we could talk things out.

"Michael" said Jonas weakly "hold my hand tightly would you?"

I did as commanded and held his hand softly but still firm enough so he could feel my shaking paws.

"I'm so sorry to put you through this but... I've regret my doing and... want to start anew"

I did not fully understand what he just said but I got the main meaning with his words and nodded in confirmation. I didn't know what he had been thinking in the time where he had been on coma but he told me a week after his awakening what he had seen in his floating between life and death.

"You want to get married, hun?" I asked rather hopefully even though I knew the answer.

"Yes, Michael... yes, I... want to marry you" he managed to pull off a look that said that same thing.

"Then I propose to you even though I don't have a ring right now... Will you marry me, hun?" I took his weakened paw and held it in my own paws and rubbed it gently.

"My answer is clear to you as it is clear to me; yes"

"Try not to kill yourself meanwhile you idiot" I said finally and gave a grin he usually liked to see.

He gave the same grin back.