FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I was being followed. I felt the fur on the back of my neck rise a little bit as I walked down the aisle of neatly lined clothing and tried to ignore the urge to turn around and see who it was. I knew who it was. Walston's was the largest clothing store in the city and it also happened to be in the wealthier portion of town which meant high security. I was pretty sure I could have walked into the place without getting tailed, but having CJ with me meant they had singled us out as possible trouble makers. The rodent had gone out of his way to make himself look more outrageous. His Mohawk was tipped with a dark silver color and he had all of his piercings in. He was wearing a shirt only by virtue that some of the seams still held, the rest were patchy and showed the blue color of his dyed fur whenever he moved. There were chains jingling from him and he looked around with a lazy smile as if he were looking for something in particular.

I wanted to crawl into a hole. I could feel everyone watching us, we stood out like a sore thumb, even if I would have stood out no matter what. The place was mostly catered towards the wealthy, which meant they catered towards herbivores. They couldn't really do anything if I came in, but it still meant they would follow and watch me to make sure I didn't steal anything. CJ seemed entirely oblivious of them as he poked his nose through everything and anything he saw of interest, the rat often pausing to lift up more expensive items to turn them about before hanging them up again. It must have been driving the horse nuts, but the mare just kept tagging along and attempted to look like she was doing something else entirely. It bothered me, I knew I was going to be followed, but the fact they were so blatant about it made me hunch my shoulders as my muscles tensed up.

I could have gone to Tiller's down near my apartment, it was the sort of store that most people shopped at when they weren't wealthy, they tended more towards irregular sizes and shapes. I would have caused a bit of a stir there given what I was looking for, but at least I wouldn't openly be followed around until I was ready to run. But I hadn't wanted to buy something cheap and poorly made, I wanted something specific. I wanted something that was well made, that would make me feel more comfortable in my own body and what I saw myself as. Walston's had the sorts of outfits my mother had always wanted to wear, but had never been able to afford. I really couldn't afford it easily, at least not an entire wardrobe, but at least I could have one outfit that made me feel beautiful.

"I think I'm going to go check out the jewelry section, I think they have some rings I could use for my piercings." CJ announced with a lazy grin, tipping his head to one side and slanting a smile at me. "Gold does suit me, huh?"

"What?" I blinked dumbly as he started to move away from me. He had said he wanted to come to help me pick out an outfit that would make me look my best. "Wait, but-"

"Don't worry about it, I'm sure you can find your way through." The smile grew bigger, showing off the large buck teeth. "Gimme half an hour or so and we'll meet up again."

He peeled away from me, leaving me gaping after him as he pushed through a set of heavy looking coats and making the movement look furtive. He had been adamant that I should have someone with me on this trip when I'd shyly confessed what I was going to do. It was only when I heard the clop of hooves fading away that I remembered the mare following us and turned to see her disappearing after CJ, only casting a brief look back at me. Compared to the rat I looked normal, perhaps not high class, but I was dressed neatly and certainly didn't have any outlandish dye or markings on me. My ears tipped back against my head as I realized just what CJ was doing and a small smile tugged at the edges of my lips when I finally figured out what he was doing.

I continued on through the aisle's without a follower and began to relax a little as I stepped into the racks of women's clothing, staring at a vast sea of silk and satin, of plush wool and glittering sequins. Every texture imaginable was hung neatly and displayed on mannequins of various sorts, and none of them were what I was used to. I had grown up knowing basic outfits, shirt, shorts or jeans, maybe a tie and dress shirt if it was something I had to actually dress up for, but these were made in a hundred different cuts and appearances. There were loose shirts and tight ones, high necked and low cut, skirts and shorts and slacks and dresses. Everything in between mixed together a riot of unknowable fashion that made my throat close up in a taste of panic as I remained still and tried to figure out what my first move should be.

I should have done this online... I thought belatedly and cast my eyes around, my tail starting to twitch behind me as I made my way through the tightly packed aisles.

"You have to find what makes you look the way you want to appear, for now you don't have to worry about latest fashion unless that is important to you. Pick something that speaks to you, it can be as familiar as a t-shirt cut for a woman's body or as wild as a dress." My therapist had told me in the last meeting, a quiet urging that I should be comfortable shopping.

I had a doctor's appointment coming up, I had hopes that Dr. Drake would have some more momentum going forward and I wanted to show my progress Even now I felt the caress of the silk panties beneath my pants, the familiar brush over certain parts of my body that sent delicious shivers down my back at the oddest moments. I tried to keep myself from being overwhelmed with the selection of clothing, the textures and cuts, instead I looked for a color I liked. Not that that was easy to find, since most of the colors I liked were very plain. I preferred cream colors and some greys as well as paler shades of blue and green, but most of the things I saw in those colors seemed to be more for business attire than what I wanted to buy.

I had tried to understand fashion, or at least look at outfits online with an eye to finding something I thought would look good, but the store wasn't an online retailer. It was massive with every style I could think of jumping out at me as I walked through the racks of clothes and swallowed. I briefly looked at the dresses, but when I held them up to myself and got a good look, I didn't like what I saw. They were too formal and looked strange, not what I was thinking of when I saw myself. Not that I had a clear idea of what I was looking for, I simply knew what I wasn't looking for, so that's where I started. I worked through the outfits I knew were made for other body shapes than my own, I started to think about the outfits that my mother wore that looked good on her. Not that she had many, but now and then she had an outfit that had made her look beautiful.

That's what led me to the skirts, a vivid memory of one my mother had worn that I had always thought made her look beautiful, and I found some encouragement when I saw one almost immediately that I liked. It was dark colored, not quite black, but not light enough to be considered a grey, and had slight pleats that created a wave like effect. It wasn't too short, but would come above my knees if it fit properly, and there was a shaping too it that had my ears up. It felt so strange holding the skirt up and trying to imagine it on myself. I really wanted to try it on, but there was no way I was going to brave the dressing room and getting a chit to try on clothes, it was too public. For now I seemed to have the spot to myself so I could hold it up against a mirror and tilted my head, trying to see it filled out with my waist. Still, it looked good, it was a start, and flushing a little I tucked it over my arm and continued looking.

The shirt was next, and it was a shirt that I'd never seen on my mother, not even a similar cut, but the moment I saw it on the mannequin I was drawn to the colors and shapes. The muted swirls on the blue background, the low cut V of the neck that was positioned just right on the foam cut out. The moment I touched the fabric I knew I had to have it, it was so soft against my paw pads, far softer than any of the t-shirts. The thin shoulder straps were thinner than I liked, it would show a lot more fur then I originally wanted too, but at the same time I could simply imagine what it would feel like to be wrapped in that soft fabric, what it would look like on me and how it would accentuate my body. I found a size I thought would fit best, glancing longingly at the dressing room, but settling for putting the shirt with the skirt. I was in the midst of the accessories, trying to ignore the fact someone was watching me from the aisle, when my phone went off with a melodic jingle.

"Hello?" I managed to answer, though my eyes were watching the squirrel that was pretending to rearrange a rack of clothes that looked perfect.

"Hey, will you not send Ivan looking for me? It's fucking embarrassing, he was hanging out after school." Jonty's annoyed growl greeted me, but I was instantly alert and forgot my watcher.

"Jonty! Are you okay? I heard that there was something at-" I started to babble, only to be cut off by my brother's voice.

"Shit, are you just spying on the house or some shit? It was nothing! It's an stupid over reaction, but I'm stuck at Aunt Illia's until it blows over and I can go home." He complained unhappily, but I just felt relief he was safe.

"Are you doing alright there? I mean, she's not giving you trouble, is she?" I really wanted to ask if he was giving her trouble, I knew my brother, he was capable of being a pain in the tail.

"She's not that bad. Got me locked down doing homework, like it matters if I graduate with good grades or not, but it's not that awful." Jonty sounded grudging as he spoke about our aunt. "I just wish I was home, you know?"

"Yeah." I stared at the rack of clothes in front of me. "I think it's good that you're out though, I mean, I know you never got in as much trouble as me, but..."

"Yeah, well..." There was a little silence, awkward feeling between us. "I went back the other day, Mom seemed happy I'm out of the house. I guess things are just better now that she's got us out from under the roof, probably makes things easier for her dealing with Dad."

I opened my mouth and closed it, I wanted to condemn the old bastard for what he was, an abusive manipulative monster, but Jonty wouldn't see it that way. He'd never had things come down as hard on him as I did, he was still able to deny what sort of male the beast was, able to rationalize what happened. "I hope things are better for her. I just wanted to check on you, I have heard some rumors going around and thought about you."

"The curfew?" Jonty retorted with a laugh. "That's such bullshit, you know they are increasing security along the Wall? We had to go out through the sewer the other day, fucking filthy and you wouldn't believe the stink!"

"You know why it's happening, right?" I felt the strange turn of my stomach as I recalled the security feed I had been shown. It wasn't bullshit, I knew why it was there.

"Yeah, I heard rumors that they've got folks packing up on the other side of the Wall, like anything will come of it." Jonty answered disdainfully. "Dad says that they did this when he was younger, just a group of people having a laugh. As long as no one's dead it's not like they're doing any harm."

"There are worse things than being killed." I snapped, my ears twitching back sharply at the dismissive tone in his voice. "You're not mixed up in it are you?"

"Me? Nah, I have better things to do with my spare time." I wanted to believe him so badly, but at the same time my little brother had changed so much...

"I'd keep inside the city if I were you, I think they're beefing up security and getting ready to do a sweep in the next few weeks, you don't need a record." I warned him, not giving into the urge to demand that he tell me the truth.

"Heh, shit Shallen, do you think I'm stupid? I'm not going to get caught." Jonty laughed in my ear at the thought, it did nothing to make me feel better. "I gotta go, Aunt Illia is going to be back from work soon and I need to clean up my mess."

"What mess?" Laughter was the only response before the phone went dead in my ear, making me sigh and shove my cell in my pocket.

It didn't make shopping the experience I wanted as my worries were on my younger brother. It would be so easy for him to get mixed up in the wrong group, he had always wanted to prove himself. He was the son my father had wanted in the first place, muscular, confident and male. He was able to run with the crowds I had always avoided, which meant most of the crowds he ran with were into dangerous sports and hobbies to entertain themselves. I wanted to believe that our aunt had him on a short leash and stopped him from doing anything so stupid, but it was obvious that he was still finding a way out. I needed to help him. I had to help him. I just didn't know how.

~ ~ * ~ ~

She looked back at me. Her eyes were large above the curve of her short muzzle, her brows raised up high and her ears pinned back against her head as if she were shocked to see me. The feeling was mutual. Her head was smooth, the fur just slightly darker along the apex of her head, but it only set of the tawny color of her fur. The shirt was buttoned and just a hair too tight along her chest, giving the impression of flatness, but the skirt enhanced the sweep of her hips beautifully. And the necklace lent her an elegant air. I reached a hand up and she mimicked me, stretching it out as the soft material of the dress shirt ran along my chest and sides. The lioness' lips parted in a soft smile as we touched our fingers together, but it wasn't her digits that came against my own, it was the cold brush of the mirror as I leaned forward and looked down at myself.

It was the most amazing transformation I had ever experienced, just a set of clothes had taken my strange body and molded it into something more definitive. I had always felt wrong in men's clothing, it just made me look scrawny and half grown, but these clothes accepted that I would have softness on certain parts of my body. I brushed my hands down the softness of the shirt, only feeling a twinge of embarrassment as I brushed over the carefully mounded tissue paper I had slipped into my bra to give the illusion of breasts. It had looked all wrong flat, but just that additional padding transformed it into something elegant looking. For the first time in my life I realized just how sharply I looked like my mother, I had always known that the slight dappling of color along my back was like hers, but staring in the mirror there was very little of the man who had sired me.

The outfit had cost nearly an entire paycheck, an amount that had horrified me the moment I'd gone to the cash register. My mother had never owned anything for this amount of money, guilt had argued with the realization just how much I was handing over, but I had still given the woman the money. It wasn't just the skirt and top, I had purchased a belt, bracelets and even a small purse, the last being a strangely satisfying purchase for reasons I could barely explain, but I had loved it the moment I saw it. Nothing was real gold, but the gold color set off my fur beautifully and made me realize that the slight dappled pattern along my shoulders and back were more than just a left over of cubhood that had never faded, they were beautiful and broke up the smooth pattern of tawny fur perfectly.

"I'm beautiful." I spoke the words softly, barely a whisper, but saying them brought a pleasant flush to my cheeks and a smile to my lips. Not simply because I had said them aloud, but because they were true.

I stepped back, finding it hard to balance in the mild heel of the shoes, but I managed to at least not stumble as I got a better look at myself. My mother's features were more boldly shown on my face, the way my muzzle was smaller and more delicate, lacking the broad expanse of the nose that Jonty had and the rough square head. I could see my mother in my eyes, the color and shape of them, but they were unmarred with nights of little sleep and a thousand memories that she didn't want to carry. The sharp cheekbones were gone, I blinked a little and reached up to rub either side of my muzzle to feel where I had always been too thin. I had put on weight. I'd never been emaciated, but food was hard to find in my family's home so I had always been a shade too thin, but now I was able to eat enough that I was filling out. Thinking of my home, thinking of my mother, brought a pang to my chest that was almost physically painful.

My worry was cut off with the sound of the phone ringing, sending me scrabbling in the unfamiliar shoes to get across the living room and to the kitchen. It wasn't graceful, making me graceful that I hadn't asked CJ to stick around to get some approval with my choices, but I managed to grab the phone with a glance at the caller ID. The name sent a strange little flutter to my throat as I pressed the button to answer the call.

"Hello?" My voice sounded normal at least, slipping onto the stool that was pushed up against the breakfast bar.

"Hey, Shall!" Hiasaki's voice made my heart leap and a slight flush to run along the line of my cheeks. How could he make be blush just by saying my name? "I'm glad you're home!"

"Yeah, it's my day off." He knew that, I knew that, he knew my schedule now, but it still thrilled me that he took the time to know it.

"Want to grab lunch? I've got an hour free and I figured it'd be nice to actually eat something decent." Hiasaki asked, his voice hopeful enough that my tail gave a little twitch.

"When's your lunch?" I already knew what my answer was going to be, it was going to be the same answer I always gave him. Within ten minutes I was off the phone with him and wriggling out of the clothes I had so lovingly put on myself.

Over the last two weeks we had begun to hang out more often, at first I tried my best to avoid him, I knew that things were starting to get more... intense between us. I no longer had the illusion that he was seeing me because he wanted to be friends, too many things had been said, hints and hopeful glances that let me know just why he was spending so much time with me. He had begun meeting with me every other day, always claiming he had work on this end of town and he preferred not to eat alone on his breaks. The conversations were always a mixture of revealing bits and pieces of ourselves with our shared interests. It had shocked me to find out just how much he knew about machinery and the way things were put together, it surprised him to know that I was starting to try my hand at doing artwork and dabbling with paints in my spare time.

And I knew it was wrong, I knew it was only going to end in pain when he found out I wasn't who he thought I was, but.... I'd never felt like this before, never had someone look at me with obvious appreciation and desire that I could return. Every time I thought about telling him that I couldn't see him anymore or meet up for lunch I found myself faltering and falling dumb. I didn't want it to end. The feelings were so new, so thrilling, I wanted to enjoy them while they lasted, I wanted to know Hiasaki while he still liked me as much as he did. Would he have liked me if he knew the truth? I doubt it, it was too strange, too odd, which tainted the feelings of elation and excitement with the knowledge I was deceiving him. I was showing him the mask of who I was being for him, not what was beneath it. Not who I knew myself to be.

_Why can't I just stop? _ The thought was painful as I pulled on more normal clothes, a pair of clean jeans a dress shirt that was made for a male, but had a nicer cut to it that made me feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin.

I had no answer to why I couldn't stop, except that I wanted to treasure this while it lasted, I needed to treasure it. I needed to have that normal balance in my life, it didn't matter that Sanmer teased me about what was going on, it didn't even matter that he was getting closer and closer to the mark about what was happening. It mattered that I had someone to talk to, someone that understood me and seemed to enjoy my company. It was selfish, so selfish. But that knowledge didn't stop the little leap of my heart as I stepped out of my apartment building and saw him waiting for me patiently. It always gave that little leap, a mixture of excitement and fear mingled together in a way that complemented each other and helped my adrenaline start to flow.

I knew that he worked with machines, sometimes cars, sometimes more elaborate set ups, anything that moved he had a paw in and had confessed that his interest was a bit of an obsession. I knew that he should have been grease stained and rough looking from his work, but he was well groomed with a clean shirt and a neat pair of jeans that could have come straight from the rack. His fur was still damp along his arms and muzzle attesting to the fact that he had washed himself for lunch, and not simply because he was going to eat. He did it for me. He didn't want me to see him greasy and dirty from work, he wanted to impress me. Who had ever wanted to make an impression on me? I had to confess, I took the opposite approach with him. I didn't take the care I normally did because when I did use care it was to give the impression my body suited what my mind saw. Secrets, so many secrets, a wall between us, but one I left for the sake of him.

"Hey," I murmured as I approached, his hand already reaching out for me, the dark palm curved up invitingly. "I thought you were going to work through lunch today?"

"I was." He commented, his eyes brightening as I touched his hand with my fingers, an electric thrill as I felt the roughness of his paw pad against my own. "But I was making mistakes so I thought that food would be a good idea. Besides, I knew you were off today and we're not getting together tomorrow."

His fingers closed over mine, drawing my arm in closer so I had to follow, my hip almost brushing his as he turned to walk down the sidewalk and I followed. Would I ever get used to his touch on my hand? To the way his body fell in sync with my own. He was tall for a fox, his body more muscular and developed than I was used to in Sanmer, but there was little comparison between the two. The thick brush of his tail moved behind him, a slow wag that touched me and made my tail tip curl in delight. No, I should be drawing away, I should be trying to avoid touching him, but it didn't matter. The moment I saw him my caution was replaced with elation and eagerness to savor each moment drawn between us, holding onto him for as long as I could. If it would end, and it must end one day, it would leave me with memories of someone who had courted me, cared for me, taught me something about the way of romance.

"They're locking down the east side, curfew is starting at six in the evening now." He murmured conversationally as we walked towards our normal spot, a small bistro just a few blocks from my apartment that catered towards quick home style meals. "We'll have to meet in the mornings from now on if you'd like to do breakfast?"

"They're locking it down all over." I puffed out a sigh and tipped my ears back. "Work is starting to draw lots for overtime, not me, but the security guards are pulling double shifts. I think the government is getting ready to send in their own enforcers."

"Perhaps, but it never came to that in my home, they would put up a fuss for a little bit, but it died down when they thought they'd taught us they're watching." Hiasaki said confidently and his fingers teased the back of my hand lightly, his blunt claws running against the fur. "I've heard that the jackals opened up a part of the south wall near the Estates."

"They're idiots." I growled in reply. My work had been flooded with more demands for more people on the walls, more people to help out with the holes as they shut down every escape route that predators used to move freely.

It wasn't like it was a secret, it was accepted that adults would go out and enjoy a brief bit of freedom from the city, even some of the herbivores enjoyed that freedom, the wall was more about protecting us from the offshoots that had gone feral. There wasn't a single predator I knew that would tolerate one of the offshoots coming into the city. We policed our own and those that decided to live outside the wall were odd, with notions that were derived more from our primal ancestors than what we lived with today. There was no place in our society for them anymore, they were fighting a losing battle. It might be fun for a night, or even for a weekend, to pretend to be what we once were, but it wasn't coming back. We would never be as powerful as we had been in the past, we were civilized now, we had law and order to govern us, not simply blind instinct and hunger.

"I don't think they're idiots." Hiasaki chuckled as he slanted a smile towards me. "I think they're just enjoying it while it lasts. Don't tell me that you've never luxuriated in a windswept hill beneath the moon or crept through the forest, one not tamed like the parks here."

"..No..." I answered softly and felt the heat tinge my ears a little as I admitted it. "I've never been out past the wall."

"What?" He yipped the question in disbelief, turning to look at me. "Not even when you were in high school?"

"I had chances." I shrugged and tried to keep the heat from rising higher. "I just didn't think it was worth it, I don't understand the draw."

"There's nothing like the city out there, Shall!" The way he said my name made me smile, just a touch, but he drew me in closer with a playful smile. "There's no walls, precious few roads, there's the stars and skies and everything in between that is yours and yours alone."

"And every other predator that's sneaked out." I pointed out and he reached for my other hand, his paws wrapping around them lightly so I was hard pressed to refuse him when he pulled me in closer.

"Not out there, there's room to run, you'd never know that others were out there." The fox dropped his voice, a warm rich sound that was almost a purr as he leaned in closer. "We should go out together, I could show you a little clearing that's a few miles away, I've never even seen tracks out there."

"Out past the wall?" I swallowed, my mind drifting to Solare and his daily list of assignments to the guards that patrolled. He had been growing short with people, his hold clamping down against the population by closing down every route that was even rumored. "They're guarding it as if it's made of gold, we'll never get through."

"I told you, there's still at least one opening." The lean fox tilted his slender muzzle down closer to my own, the dark tipped ears pricked forward. "No one needs to know, I'll keep you safe. I promise. We can run all night if you want to. I've never been caught."

"Yet." I laughed, trying to make it a joke, but his expression was no joking matter. He was serious, drawn so close that I realized I could feel the brush of his body against my own and I could taste his scent.

He smelled like pine and musk, that sharp vulpine scent that I knew from any number of foxes, but the pine was something distinctly his own. It reminded me of the park where the evergreens grew towering and ancient, their trunks so wide that it took several people to wrap their arms entirely around them. Something that was older and more experienced, that had been around long before I had been, that would be there long after I had passed. It was reassuring and the closer he came, the more I could taste the faint scent of grease from his work, sweat and something I couldn't place. His muzzle was near my own, close enough my whiskers touched his own, intermingling freely to make a shiver tickle down my back.

"You can trust me." He murmured, he was too close, I felt a tinge of panic as I realized he was nearly close enough to kiss.

"You told me never to trust a fox." I whispered against his lips, my paws curling against his own, trying to get my body to draw away.

"Well, I have it on good authority that on daring escapes, foxes are entirely trustworthy." He smiled at me, a slow sinful smile as full of mischief as it was happiness. Only a fox could smile that way, only he could smile that way and make my throat tighten.

"If I get caught..." I started and he let out a delighted laugh and moved his paws out of my own, wrapping his along my waist to draw me in close, our chests pressing firmly together.

"If you get caught I'll march along meekly and tell them you captured me being a wicked sly fox." He answered smoothly and tilted his head to one side.

In the span of a heart beat his lips touched my own, his muzzle gliding lightly while his arms wrapped securely along my hips. Panic. Blind panic rose up in me just as it had with Ollie, but unlike with Ollie, the panic only lasted for a flash as his tongue lightly ran out in a swift wet line along my bottom lip. He kissed gently, as if he were afraid that any move might frighten me away, his paws cupped my back as I lifted my head up to his own and draw in a breath. It was heat and electricity, a jolt that sent my own textured tongue out to touch his, feeling it darting forward, drawing me into his touch. I forgot we were on the sidewalk, that I was in broad daylight, I simply knew that he was there in front me and that's all that mattered. That's all that would ever matter.

~ ~ * ~ ~

"You look like you've got a seeeecret." Sanmer's voice chirped in my ear brightly as he leaned against my arm and gave my side a rough poke.

"Ow! Stop that!" I jerked to the side to get away from the poke, only to have him jostle me again playfully.

"You've been smiling all week. What's going on?" The short fox wasn't going to give up as we picked our way through the open room and found a pair of empty seats.

He'd seen it the first day I'd gone into work. Hiasaki had just kissed me, but that kiss had left an impression that wasn't fading. Even several days afterwards I was still imagining the way he had held me, the way it had felt to have him draw me deeper. It shouldn't have affected me as much as it did, it was only a kiss after all, it should have frightened me that I was letting this ruse go on as long as I did, but the only thing I could think about was the promise to meet him the following weekend at the Southern Estates and to see what he wanted to show me beyond the wall. Alone, at night, beyond all bounds of civilization, a pleasant shiver touched me as I settled down on the chair and Sanmer remained standing with his tail twitching behind him in annoyance that I refused to answer. Nothing bothered him more than a secret he didn't know.

"It's about that fox, isn't it?" He pushed, undaunted by my silence. "Did you guys finally.....?"

"No!" I yelped in denial, flushing a bit as a few other people in the room gave me an odd look. "Is your mind always in the trash?"

"Well I know what would make me smile that way." My coworker confided and slid into the chair next to me. "You can't keep it a secret, I don't keep my fun a secret."

"You'd tell your fun to nearly anyone within a five mile radius." I muttered and leaned back in the stiff backed chair. "This isn't the time or the place."

"Hmmph.." He didn't look daunted, though he stopped pressing. Instead, he pulled one of his this braids into his lap and began to rework the tip and the loose hairs that were coming undone.

I had no doubt that he was going to try and push me again later, he couldn't let something like this go and I was loathe to tell him anything more. I already wasn't sure how I had let it happen, or even if I should go through with actually sneaking out with him. I didn't doubt that he meant it to be a romantic date between us, perhaps cumulating into something passionate and that thought turned my stomach into knots. The euphoria of his kiss was washed away at the knowledge that I was dancing on the edge of finally breaking things off before he found out any more about me. This wouldn't work, who I was becoming was too much to expect him to be okay with.

Sanmer's legs stretched out in front of him insolently as he tried to crowd me, probably hoping that I'd give in and tell him if he kept annoying me. It was frustrating, but it was also a distraction from the cold sterile doctor's office that continually made me feel like I was a little cub again and going to be poked and prodded. Granted, today I was sitting in an actual office complete with a large desk and book case where Dr. Drake did most of his work. I wasn't going to be poked today, today was three weeks after my first visit and he wanted to talk to me about where we were going to be going to take things. It wasn't much time, certainly an eye blink, but it had seemed like forever since I had last been here. I fidgeted in the chair and glanced around, everything about the place seemed entirely devoid of personality. Like someone had just designed a generic office for the sake of the patients instead of something my doctor had created himself.

The door opened behind us, making me give a leap and Sanmer stretch his head back as the sound of it closing again had my head turning to see the puma padding into the room. "I apologize for the wait, my appointments are running late today, I'm afraid." His voice was a soothing rumble as he stepped around us and towards the desk.

"That's alright." My voice squeaked a little and I splayed my ears, trying to clear my throat so I at least sounded normal. "I didn't mind waiting."

"Brought along more support, hmm?" Drake turned his mismatched eyes towards Sanmer with a bit of a smile, one that was answered with an insolent one from my friend. "It's good that you have friends willing to provide some help."

"He's better with medical terms." I answered, glancing at the fox nervously. Sanmer had all but insisted on coming along, and not simply as a gesture of support. He was curious about the process and what was going to happen to me, what would be prescribed, what the stages would be. "I figured it would be good to have him here."

"Another head is never a bad thing." Drake settled down with a bit of a sigh a he leaned back in the leather padded chair. "And in this case, perhaps he will be able to help you understand what our next step is going to be."

"Medication?" I asked, suppressing the nervous little flutter in my throat.

"Normally, yes, but you are an interesting case. We aren't suppressing male hormones that are naturally occurring, instead we are shifting what you're currently on to the female counterpart." He flipped open a chart in front of him. "We are going to start a very slow process of decreasing your current dose of male hormones and replacing it with a new prescription, but I need to stress that this will not be a quick process. Your system is adjusted from a lifetime of drug therapy, and that means we can't simply change things to suit ourselves without having side effects that would not be enjoyable."

"How slow?" I didn't want to be impatient, but the stressing on how slow it would be pricked my ears up a little bit. "I mean, I'm doing therapy now, I just.."

"You have further to go than you might understand. If you could become female tomorrow, do you truly think you are ready for that step?" Dr. Drake tilted his head to one side as he questioned me. "And think about it truthfully and what it would mean."

"But.. I mean it wouldn't be tomorrow.." I stammered a little and tried to stop the disappointment that crept up. I knew what I wanted, I understood it, I didn't-

"Seriously? Do you really think you can just show up at work female and be entirely ready for it? Or to your landlord? Or anyone else?" Sanmer spoke up beside me. "You'll be a new person, even legally I think, you can't just step from one to the other."

"You have to understand the implications socially as well as physically." The doctor spoke up calmly. "I want you to be who you want to be when it's time, not simply ready to become that person. That means that, yes, you will have to show others a private part of yourself that you might not be ready to yet. Some people move to other cities and cut off all ties just to assume a new life, but I don't recommend it. You can ease in at your own pace, you have all the time in the world to do so, revealing yourself to friends as you already have, perhaps trying to go out to places that are unfamiliar to you dressed as you wish to dress, and eventually letting your day to day people understand what is happening."

It was cold water hitting me. I don't know why I didn't really think of it, or why I had avoided considering it, but what he was saying was true. I hadn't thought that I would have to tell people that I knew just by faces or first names about my choices. It had been agony telling CJ and Stefan and Sanmer, and they were friends, what would it be like to tell Ivan? Or the people at work? Or my landlord? My ears fell back against my head as I considered the sorts of looks I would be facing, or comments. I had been lucky. The support I'd been getting was very much like having training wheels on a bike, nothing could hurt me, had hurt me, because I was only just starting, but the truth of the matter was that there would be pain in the future that I would have to face. Anger and disgust were the least of my concerns when it came down to it.

"I didn't really think about it." I murmured softly and looked down at my paws. I had felt so brave and bold with what I had done, and they were just baby steps.

"That's why we're talking now, because I want you to understand that this is not an easy path. We are going to start it, but we will go at the pace that you are comfortable with." Dr. Drake leaned forward and furrowed his brow a little bit, his ears flicking up. "There is hatred and bigotry in the world, Shallen, and I want you to be prepared to deal with it to the best of my ability. The therapy is going to help, as well as support of friends, but I would also suggest going to a few group meetings and talk with people who are further along than you. They will be able to tell you how they came out to their family and friends."

"At least I don't have to come out to my family." I muttered to myself and gave my head a brief shake before looking back up at my doctor, his eyes were sympathetic as I straightened myself up. "I think I understand, I just hadn't thought things through as clearly as I should have."

"There's little reason you should have, you're still young." The doctor picked up a pen, scrawling something on a pad of paper. "What we're going to do today is start you on your first medication and give you a new prescription and dosage for your old. I'm also going to give you a small list of places that are friendly enough you might try going dressed as you feel comfortable, it'll give you a safe place to be in public."

"Thank you." I glanced over at Sanmer, who was peering over at the prescriptions with obvious interest for what I was going to be taking.

It wasn't as much progress as I hoped, but I couldn't deny the little thrill of excitement as I took the offered pieces of paper. This was a bigger step than simply picking out clothing, this was something substantial and changing, even if it was a small dose. Everything was much more complicated than I had expected it to be, but I wasn't sure why I had believed that it would be easy or simple. We left the office with me clutching the papers and Sanmer's plush tail dancing back and forth behind him as he playfully jostled me the moment we cleared the waiting room.

"So, about your secret." He pushed and slanted a sly grin towards me. "You have to tell me eventually, you know, it's only fair."

"Oh for.." I snapped in exasperation. "Just let it go! It's not like it's anything that comes near the stuff you get up to at night."

"So it was something!" His ears shot up as he reached the front doors and pushed them open out into the chill air. "Well, what was it? It has to be good if you're this stubborn about keeping it a secret."

"It doesn't really matter." I muttered and finally folded the papers to push into my pants pocket. "You heard Dr. Drake, I'm going to have to come clean eventually and it's not like I can rightfully expect anyone to be okay with that."

"Oh yes, exactly!" Sanmer gasped out with an exaggerated widening of his eyes. "No one can possibly find out about you without screaming in horror and getting a mob together! Granted, I didn't go with the mob, mobs are terribly old fashioned and they always end up lighting half the town on fire, but I certainly did put serious thought into burning down your-"

"Stop that!" I snapped and tipped my ears back in annoyance. "It's different, alright? Telling you wasn't hard, you're just a friend."

"Just a friend he says!" Sanmer staggered and grabbed his chest melodramatically, his eyes widening with mock pain and shock. "I never believed you would be so cold as to simply say it so cruelly in public!"

"It's not a joking matter!" I growled, my lip curling a little bit with annoyance and amusement both. "He thinks I'm a guy, there's no reason for him to stick around when he finds out that's not really the case."

Sanmer's theatrics settled as I quick walked ahead and made him catch up at a swift trot, his braids bobbing after him. "Why do you think you get to make that call for him? Did you ask if he's really gay or just assume?"

"W-well, I didn't ask, but it's pretty obvious if he's-" I started to protest, but Sanmer stopped me with a shake of his head.

"You can't just decide for him. He likes you, I mean, he stalked me down to try and find you even after you blew him off! If someone blows me off I don't go stalking them..." He tilted his head thoughtfully and gave a wicked grin. "Most of the times."

"He didn't know I was avoiding him." I answered defensively, not liking the way the conversation was going at all. "And I'm not making the choice for him! I just think it's unfair to just open up this entire situation and force him to either be the bad guy and break it off, or stick around just because he doesn't want to be that guy."

"You're being a damn idiot!" Sanmer snapped, the tone so unexpected that I paused and looked at him. "You act like those are the only two choices, but there are more. Maybe he's bi, maybe he's straight and is really damned confused he's attracted to you, maybe he likes you more than just the plumbing you have currently, you don't know. I have news for you, Shall, love isn't all about pipes and plumbing, it isn't the greatest part of it. Sure, maybe you lions are all about the he-man macho shit with girls, but that doesn't mean you have to be like that. You're better than that. You need to understand that love is about the person."

"And he doesn't know me as a person!" I retorted, bristling a little. I was angry, angry at the conversation, angry at myself, angry at even being in this position.

"Oh, so you just have a persona that is nothing like the real you? You don't talk about what you like? Or the things you enjoy doing? You just talk about macho crap to lead him to think you're a boy?" Sanmer's tail was lashing, the thick fur brushing the sidewalk free of leaves with his agitation. "You're lying to yourself, and you know it. You can break it off with him and just let him go without ever knowing the real reason or let him know the real you and see what comes of it. If you do the first you're going to resent the hell out of him because in the back of your mind you're going to think he should have tried harder to stay, or you're going to wonder how it would have all turned out. If you do the right thing, yeah he might freak out and it will suck, but you'll know and be stronger for it."

"I don't think I'll be stronger!" I replied, feeling my chest tighten with pain at the thought of seeing Hiasaki looking at me like I was something to be disgusted or horrified by, or pitied. "I think it would break me."

"I think that you're thinking too much about what you have to lose, and are ignoring what you have to gain if you simply dare." Sanmer sighed softly and gave his head a shake. "I just think you're not giving him enough credit, I think you'd be surprised if you just tried."

"Proba-" I started to answer when my phone suddenly erupted in music, vibrating my pocket. "Shit!" I had to dig to get the phone out without sending my prescriptions flying, but I managed. "Yeah?"

"Shall?" My mother answered, her voice soft and making me go tense. When was the last time I had talked to her?

"Mom?" Sanmer gave me a look, but moved away to allow me some privacy. "I didn't know you had my number." I offered awkwardly, which was the truth, I hadn't talked to her, she had told me it was better that way. The sound of her voice wasn't reassuring, but made my muscles go tense. Was Jonty hurt? Had he been caught?

"I got it from Jonty, he came over the other day for a while to see how we were faring." She murmured, her voice a balm, she didn't sound afraid or hurt. "I just wanted to make sure that you were doing alright on your own. I know that I haven't spoken with you.."

"I'm doing really well, Mom." A smile formed on my muzzle and my shoulders relaxed, she wasn't calling with bad news. "I've got a good job and my own place, it's pretty nice, you should really stop by and see it. Without Jonty in the room I'm pretty clean, you can even see the floor."

"I'm glad to hear it, Shall." I could almost hear her smile. " I always knew you'd land on your feet if you were given room to grow and space to be yourself. I knew it the moment you left the house that you'd find something better. And you're happy?"

"I-I'm trying to be happy." I answered softly and then amended it. "I'm happier than I ever thought I could be, really I am. I'm still sorting stuff out, but it's starting to look like everything is going to be okay."

"You're not angry at me?" I smiled at that, even though she couldn't see it, I still had to smile. I had never been angry at her, how could I?

"No, Mom, I'm not angry at you. I love you. Are you alright? I know Jonty moved out.." I trailed off, not sure what I wanted to say after that, but she had to know my worries.

There was a pause, I could hear movement in the background. It sounded like she was in the bathroom or the basement, there were odd little echos. "I love you too, Shall. I always thought if I were just stronger things could have turned out so differently.. I had hoped love would be enough to spare you, but it just trapped you."

"Mom?" My smile faded around the edges, confused and uncomfortable with the way the conversation was turning. "I wasn't trapped..."

"I just want you to be happy." She echoed the conversation we had had on CJ's front porch. "I know it's hard to understand, but I've always tried to do what was best within my means for you and Jonty. It wasn't enough, I know it wasn't, but I hope you understand now that you're older. I hope you know it was never your fault. You were such bright little cubs, and now growing up, I'm so proud of you."

"I'm proud of you too, Mom." I answered uncertainly. "Let me help you, I have some money and I can try and stop by when the house is emp-"

"No, love." She stopped me before I could finish the offer. "I just called to check on you, I needed to know that you're okay. That you'll be okay."

"I'm doing great, really." I assured her softly, cupping the phone a bit more firmly to my ear. She didn't sound the way she should, there was something in her tone, in her voice that gnawed at the back of mind. "Are you alright?"

"I love you, I have always loved on you, I wasn't strong enough to be what you needed, but not one day went by that I didn't love you." She murmured, her voice soft and gentle, almost a whisper, so thick with emotions that I couldn't begin to decipher. There as something in the background, running water? "I'm sorry I couldn't be strong enough for you, couldn't be as strong as you have become, my beautiful little cub. Take care of yourself. Take care of your brother."

"MOM?!" My voice cracked with panic as I looked around wildly, trying to signal Sanmer. Alarms were blaring in my mind, screaming that something was terribly wrong. "What's wrong? Mom?"

"I love you." The phone went dead in my ears.