Lunatics
Cal and Rob are a couple of teen wolves who have questions about themselves... such as, why they still howl at the moon, and what it means to be friends, or perhaps -- just perhaps -- something more... Sometimes, especially with a friend, you have to follow your instincts.
This snippet of story originally appeared in the Summer 2012 issue of North American Fur (NAF 27). I commissioned this illustration from the artist formerly known as Wyndsong.
Rated "All Ages" despite a few mildly explicit references; they're the sort of words or terms heard on prime-time TV these days, so I think it's okay. As always, Moderators, please correct if you feel it better to do so.
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"Why do we still want to howl at the moon?"
The two young wolf cubs, their teens not yet half finished, sat on the empty dock, in the comfortable secrecy of the midnight lake. High above, Grandmother Moon smiled down upon them, full and bright and beautiful, letting them see as much of the world as the planet's curve would allow them, and as much as their hearts could dream.
"From our primitive ancestors," intoned the darker of the two males, imitating their headmaster to a T. The lighter wolf laughed in gleeful recognition. "I don't know, Cal. Do you feel like howling at the moon tonight?"
"Yeah, I do," Cal said softly. "Not like some primitive urge, really, just... well, just because I feel so good right now."
"What's so special about right now?"
"You." Cal blushed and looked at his friend. "Guess that sounds sorta gay, huh? I just mean that you're a really great friend, Rob. You make me feel like I'm... I don't know, worthy or something. I'm not exactly the first pick for Class President, much less the football teams in gym class. Not big on self-esteem."
Rob smiled. "You seem fine to me."
"Well, around you, I am. You never make me feel like an idiot because I like to read more than I like to butt heads. I feel like, with you, I could take on the whole world if I had to. And that makes me feel like howling."
For a long moment, Rob didn't speak. Cal began to wonder if he'd said something wrong. "Rob? You okay?"
When Rob turned his muzzle toward his friend, Cal could see that his eyes were wet. Rob managed a smile. "Now who looks like a fag," he laughed.
"What's wrong?"
Rob wiped a paw across his face. "You just said something very big, Cal. It feels really good, and I guess I'm kinda bein' girly to get so emotional about it. I've never had a friend like you. And..." He fell silent for another moment. "Cal, it kinda scares me."
"Why?"
"Because I don't think I want to be gay."
Another long silence fell between the two teens. Cal stirred, feeling a need to shift, to move, but he couldn't quite decide if he should move toward Rob or away from him. Neither felt right, nor wrong, nor even possible. "Rob, are you saying...?"
"I don't know what I'm saying." Rob shifted also, neither quite toward nor away, just changing the way he was sitting on the dock. The waves of the huge lake lapped underneath, an arrhythmic counterpoint to the words and the silence. Looking down into the water, Rob pulled up his knees and hugged them close to him, his tail curled around to touch his bare toes as he fidgeted. "Maybe I shouldn't be saying anything."
"Rob, you're my best friend." Cal looked at him helplessly. "That wouldn't change, no matter what. Even if you were gay."
"Really?"
"Really."
"You're sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Even if it turned out I was gay for you?"
Cal's eyes widened. "I thought you said--"
"I didn't say. But you see? What if I were gay? You'd freak. And I don't want that. I want you to be my friend. And it just feels like it's so much more than that, and that makes me think I might be gay, and I don't want to be gay if it would hurt you, or make you not want to be my friend anymore."
The lighter-furred wolf still wasn't sure what to do, or to say; nothing felt right, everything felt wrong, going the wrong direction, like nothing was happening the way it was supposed to happen. He had nothing to fall back on, no experience to call upon, no schooling beyond what was usually said and done in a males-only school, and that was bad enough... and probably full of shit.It's not gay unless your balls touch, the young males would joke and grab-tail at each other, calling out insults of_fag, queer, tail-hole trawler, cock-muncher,_and other equally educated descriptors. Some would prance around effeminately, try to hit falsetto, pretending they were so girly-wirly that they could apply to the females-only school any day now. Nothing ever got even close to real, whatever that was.
Stories, of course. Tales about The Boy Who Left The Year Before You Got Here. There was always at least one of those, for every class year, no matter when you arrived. It was a story about What Happened To Fags, and it was never confirmed or denied by any of the teachers or administrators. Even the name changed from year to year, and the details changed, and the secrecy or severity of the events changed. Only one thing remained the same: That Boy was no longer at the school. Sometimes it was because he ran away, or was chased away, or was sent away. Sometimes it was because he had been beaten and then ran away, or beaten sufficiently to land in hospital, and he never came back. Sometimes it was because he killed himself. Sometimes it was because he had been beaten to death, and no one ever found out who did it. Sometimes he was just gone and no one knew what really happened, because no one cared about fags anyway. Sometimes he was gone because someone had found him, and took him away, and kept him in a basement somewhere, and kept him as a toy, and had his voice-box taken out so that he could never scream, or complain, or even whimper...
Cal shook his head. That was all crap. And yet, because it was part of the school, part of the last few years of his life, it was also real. And that scared him.
"Cal..." Rob's voice sounded faint against the sounds of the water. "Please be my friend."
"I am your friend, Rob. That won't change."
"Even if..."
"Dammit, Rob, stop it! Tell me right out: Are you gay or not?"
More lake-tinged silence. Cal had to strain to hear the answer: "I don't know."
"Okay." Cal felt as if he were trying out for the debating team again. "I don't know how to tell if someone is gay or not. I guess maybe if I saw them doing something... well, if I found a couple of guys going at it in a dorm room, I'd probably make an assumption."
Rob, his head still resting on his knees, managed a weak chuckle.
"Can I ask you... Rob, can I ask if you've ever done anything like that? I mean, with another guy?"
"No, I haven't. I haven't had a female either, for that matter."
"That makes us even," Cal said, trying for a smile and almost succeeding. "So okay. Maybe we're both gay, or straight, or just plain neutral. I mean, neither of us has tried anything with anyone else, so it's not like we've got a track record to go by."
Rob managed a bigger laugh this time, and Cal was glad enough of it to work up a chuckle of his own. "So we don't know much more now than before." After a moment, Rob began to giggle, and then to laugh. He unfolded himself and fell back on the dock, laughing so hard that he had to hold his sides. Cal, at first stunned by the reaction, finally found himself laughing too, although he couldn't understand what the hell was so funny.
"Rob, what...? What's so damned...?"
"Neither of us is certain about our sexuality," he managed to croak out. "Uncertainty principle! We're Schrödinger's fags!"
Nothing more constructive was added to the conversation for a full three minutes. Cal, too, fell back onto the dock, braying with laughter along with his friend, until both were all but exhausted from their hysteria. Light-headed from hyperventilation, bonded by a ridiculously bad joke, the two wolves looked at the sky, at the few strong stars that could be seen despite the huge full moon that still hung silently above them.
"Touched by the moon," Cal said softly.
"What?"
"The origin of the term 'lunacy,' or 'lunatic' - touched by the moon."
"English major."
"Geek."
"And proud."
"Ditto."
A few more chuckles between them, and a groan or two from sore muscles. Cal and Rob looked to each other as if on cue, and smiled. And then stopped smiling. They looked into each other's eyes for a very long time, not moving, not speaking, barely even breathing. Finally, Rob chanced a snort of laughter.
"What?" asked Cal.
"Why do I think that you've read some novel that's got a scene like this?"
Cal considered, raising his eyes in a look of innocence. "Because I read so many books that you wonder why my head hasn't swollen up and exploded by now?"
"Close enough."
Cal snorted a laugh of his own. "Yeah. I've read lots of books with something like this in it."
"What happened next?"
"In which book?"
Rob rolled onto his side, facing Cal a little closer. "The one with all the answers in it. The one with the happy ending."
Cal rolled on his side and looked at his dark-furred companion. "I'm not sure they've written that one yet."
"Maybe you could write it."
"Maybe we could write it."
"I'm scared, Cal."
"What would make you not scared, Rob?"
"Knowing that I won't lose you."
Cal smiled softly in the moonlight. "So good, so far," he said.
Slowly, his eyes still locked with Cal's, Rob reached a forepaw to touch the light-furred wolf's face. Cal could feel the trembling in the paw along with the gentle, almost ghostly touch. A mirror image, Cal reached up for Rob's face, touching the soft fur that still was damp from the earlier tears. He wasn't sure if he really knew what he was doing, but he did know that it felt right.
In a nervous movement, Rob moved his body to cuddle up close to Cal's, and the two of them embraced, holding each other tightly, shaking and not knowing why - fear, need, uncertainty, cold, madness. Rob seemed to be sobbing. Cal stroked his headfur slowly, comforting. They held each other for a long time, until the shaking and the sobbing finally ended. Cal realized strangely that he could fall asleep this way, entwined in Rob's arms. He had no idea what that meant. He had no idea if it was supposed to mean something, or at least if it had to mean something beyond this moment.
"Cal?" A whisper in his ear.
"Yeah?"
"Are we gay?"
The light-furred wolf paused for a moment. "Maybe we're just a couple of lunatics."
"You like lunatics?"
"Some of my favorite people."
A fresh tear from Rob's muzzle touched Cal's gently. "Good. Kinda like 'em myself."
More quiet moments, only the sound of the lapping waves in their ears. The wolves were slow to move, still holding each other closely, looking into each other's eyes. "It's like I'm feeling your heart beat," Rob said.
"I think I can feel your heart too." Cal smiled a little. "That's in a lot of those books you were talking about. It's sort of corny. Good writers don't use it."
"Why not? Seems to be true."
"Yeah." Cal rubbed the back of Rob's neck. "It does."
Rob swallowed almost audibly. "Cal?"
"Yeah?"
"Should we... do something?"
Cal's breathing was shallow. He forced himself to take one deep breath. "I don't know. It's not like I'm really prepared for this. How do you feel?"
"Still scared. But I trust you. You're my friend. You're more than my friend, even if I don't really know what that means. Right now, I trust you to know what to do next."
Cal looked deeply into Rob's eyes and realized that an entire universe lay there, open, bare, waiting, and without a doubt. He was responsible now for two lives, and for everything that would happen from here on. He swallowed, uncertain. And as he looked into Rob's eyes, his deep and beautiful and world-filled eyes, he saw there an answer, reflected, and knew suddenly what was true.
"Okay," Cal whispered. "I think I know what to do next."
The light-furred wolf helped the dark-furred wolf to sit up. Cal smiled with a sweet emotion that he couldn't really name, and then he looked up at the smiling face of Grandmother Moon, and then back to Rob. As the look on Rob's muzzle slowly changed, Cal put his arm around the other wolf and pulled him close. Rob grinned, looked at the moon, and put an arm around Cal.
Side by side, embraced, the wolves threw back their heads and howled.
