FSE

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"I'm happy" insisted Sido for himself "I'm always happy and nobody is going to change that..."

Sido was a mediocre fox in figure but had a personality that would drive many to their limits of irritation or frustration. Not because they hated him or some sort but because of his claims. A fox who specialized to be dishonest and false when it came to express how he felt; when something very ominous and bad happened for Sido's life he would show clear signs of being in very vulnerable position but claim that he is okay and no one should sweat about it. He even exaggerated about his life and boasted openly about his so called bright way of living. He would bluntly deny and frown at his friends' claims that he needed a psychiatrist, psychologist or at least support for his problems.

You would wonder why he would be like that and came to rationalize that foxes are natural creatures of deception and deceit. I would not argue with that but Sido was an example that stood out of the rest but not as an exceptional one. As I stated clearly his friends could view his miserable position but as a one who insisted the contrary of what and how he was and even though the majority would yell at him that he needed help he would turn his back to them and say that he could never be happier than he was. Denial and bad facade was Sido's specialties. Another thing he was good at quite unfortunately was not being able to appreciate the actual joy and happiness he would receive as he should which would result his miserable demise.

Sido was sitting on the floor in front of the television and a game console in Japanese sitting style. The room was dark and the only light source was coming from the TV which gave a gloomy effect in the room. He held a game in his hand which had a great affective meaning for him for at the moment, even though he denied it, he was in great grief

Sido had just experienced a heavy and great loss; Sido's big brother, who always took care of him even when his parents got worn out as well, had died of cancer at the beginning of his adulthood. Now Sido was sitting in his own room where he and his brother would use to be to play videogames together. He missed his beloved guardian who always had held his hand over him protecting him somewhat from the ill world. A great deeply want was implanted in his unguarded heart and as usual he was going to deny that emotion from being in his heart by keep insisting that he didn't need his big brother.

He started the game console and put the game he held in his hands in as he and his brother used to play together by playing against each other to test their skills. When they played against each other it was one of the few occasions where Sido could be who he wanted to be and eventually talk slightly about his problems. But even his denial couldn't prevent the horrible sensation he was about to feel. As Sido played against the bots of the game he slowly and steadily began to sense a great emptiness penetrating through his defenses of denials and facades. He couldn't explain why but he simple lost to the bots of the game and felt ashamed since he often bested his brother where the brother was excellent at the game as well.

"It's just this time - it'll be easy again. Brian isn't needed. I'm still happy about my life"

He started to play again against the bots but just lost every single time. Anger briefly emerged to the surface followed by a short living realization that he was standing alone in this world.

"I have my friends and that's all I need to be happy"

_ _ As you might have guessed he had never learned to adapt to his situations and experiences and thus kept himself from processing in his life where he was in deep crisis. Sido kept denying the facts that he was sad and unhappy and needed special support.

His mom had just seen her son being beaten by bots, something that definitely pointed that her son wasn't in wellbeing and saw him now silently shedding tears. She loved her son very much and had tried countless of times to try to make him more mature so he could start the processes of his losses but since Sido kept doing his denial it hasn't succeeded yet and maybe it would never happen in time.

"Sweetheart? Are you alright?" heard Sido and quickly tried to look happy if like nothing was bothering him.

"Yeah, I'm fine mom" Sido ran surprisingly quickly out words and suddenly a heavy apple was stuck in his whimpering throat.

"No you're not... listen to me, Sido, we've just lost Brian and I know you'll just try and deny that you aren't fine again and again but... you need to realize that your denial and façade isn't going to solve any problems" her face was sick with worry and her eyes were glancing with tears for her only remaining son. She had a terrible thought that she severely wished wasn't going to happen.

"Mom! I'm fine! I don't need you help! Go away... now!"

She had hard time holding her tears back and gave a "Ok, sweetheart, but remember; we love you..."

Lisa, the mom, reluctantly slowly closed the door to Sido's room with melancholy painted on her face. The only one who was truly able to reach into the sealed depths and abyss of the heartbroken fox was the deceased brother and now Sido was standing alone in a prison he didn't know he made for himself.

"I'm having fun... I'm... HAVING FUN!" yelped Sido with a false happy voice but right after continued to shed the tears of grief. His memory was filled with remembrances which reflected a person who could potentially be happy but the outcome was somewhat the opposite. In lake of despair filled with drowned and suppressed memories were there one in particular prior to the loss of his brother that was at least devastating; the loss of another beloved guardian, his dead boyfriend Mark, the collie.

Mark was an amazing and wonderful collie who had been in relationship with Sido for 13 months before he was evicted and killed by a common thief. Mark's dream was to become a psychologist and coincidentally met Sido in his psychology class. First he was fascinated by Sido's behavior and tried to bond with him to seek information and knowledge about these subjects called defense mechanism. It worked out well in the start but where they both didn't expect that glimmer of love would spark out from them both. Mark and Brian were the few who truly knew much about the life of the fox who was drowning in attempt to swim in the swallowing and thirsty memories that wanted to be processed. Brian defended and tried to cover him from the damages from the world and Mark was there to support, try to understand and teach him the adaption Sido needed to overcome his misuse of his façade and denial and to be taught in the way of processing the suppressed memories. Many small things in Sido's life seemed to be done in failure and they added up upon the fox who at early ages started his use of his common defense. Another thing to consider was that Sido was mocked by some of the students because he was interested in same sex and had a boyfriend. They mocked him and as they heard that Mark died they intensified the mocking just to add the extra effect a loss of boyfriend could give. It was that kind of things that Mark and Brian were excellent to protect Sido from but now...

As he played further with the game the emptiness and want of his dearest losses grew but he kept his façade strong.

Few weeks later Sido was invited by his school along with his friends to an amusement park as a plan to make them closer to each other. For the first time in months Sido was quite excited and was quite looking forward to this trip to this excellent park. Throughout the weeks both his family and his friends had tried to make the contact as the deceased two were able to but to no avail; Sido kept saying that he was happy about the invitation and he couldn't ask for a better opportunity to have fun. As the day of the trip to the amusement park arrived his parents tried wholeheartedly to be nice to him even though they felt the despair in sphere around Sido. They were all sitting to eat breakfast which also was made to please him

"So, son, which entertainment would you try this time? The amusement park is quite big after all" asked Sido's dad, William and gave a father-to-son smile.

"I don't know. There aren't so many entertainments that I haven't tried yet. Maybe the Thunder Rollercoaster. It's been a since I've last tried it... it's been a while" replied Sido and returned with a smile that was false.

"Who is going with you this time, sweetheart?" Lisa couldn't hide the worry she still had for her son and felt helplessness stung into her chest. For moms it was essential to able to help their children when they were in need but neither Lisa nor William were able to reach Sido as Brian and Mark could.

"Maybe Siam or Daniel... or Christopher... I don't know but I'll figure it out...somehow" it became awkward at the morning table. Lisa and William exchanged looks which Sido noticed and said:

"Come on... I'm fine! There's nothing to worry about!"

There was a long moment of silence as they fiddled what to talk about but came with nothing. Sido had had suicidal thoughts for months now as his wants for his beloved ones had grown to unknown sizes and his parents clearly knew this but when they tried to contact some help from the school they turned it down, claiming that Sido was fine. The truth was that the school didn't want to bother with Sido as they had many times before attempted to help and reach him where he immediately denied them the crucial access to his emotional parts.

"Sido... tell me that you don't have these suicidal thought anymore" exclaimed Lisa to break the silence.

Sido didn't answer and looked down upon his cereals which had begun to be soft because of the milk. He wanted to end his life from this energy consuming existence where no one was able to reach him. Lisa had on several occasions seen her son holding a knife right about his wrist were she rightfully and quickly took the knife away. Not even that was able to make the school set alarms when she told them about it.

"Sido... please... don't ever do it..." begged Lisa where wrinkles of worry were viewable.

"I keep saying it and I'll keep saying it until you get it: I'm happy! I'm fine! You... don't have to worry..." the heavy apple was stuck in his throat again, preventing him to say more.

"Son... you're depressed. You need help but you keep turning them down. You have to learn to trust us all and let us in so we can help you!" said William seriously and even though he was a dad his voice was shaking. Lisa and William obviously didn't want to lose their only child because of their failure as parents. They did give love but not in the way as it was needed for Sido. They didn't understand him which resulted in many harming misunderstood conceptions between them as a family. Only the deceased two could understand and help Sido.

"Leave me alone!" yelled Sido and ran into his room and locked the door. He laid himself on the bed and huddled back and forth, where the suppressed feelings finally could pour out for once. But instead of crying out to the last tear he forced himself to stop and cooled himself down. It was time to go to the amusement park.

"Everything is ok" forced Sido himself to think as he walked past the entrance of the amusement park with Liam be his side. A fateful group of people walked towards them both. It was the people who used to mock him and as they came closer to Sido and Liam they could see that the group of people held two pictures, one with Mark and one with Brian.

"Hey there faggot!" mocked one of them.

"Let him be you bunch of goons!" defended Liam and walked in front of Sido who apparently had snapped.

"You're all alone, maggot! They are dead, both of them! No one will miss you when you die!"

As the one who said the words were finished the group shredded the pictures apart and threw them into the air where they flew away with the cold wind.

"You idiots! You have no idea what Sido had been through!" but Sido could hear some irritation in Liam's voice and bowed his head down with an empty face.

"They truly don't know me... at all... maybe it's just best for all to kill myself so they don't have to bother with me"

"You alright, Sido?" asked Liam who had turned at him and looked worried.

"Don't think about it... I'm fine... I couldn't be happier" Sido have a clearly false smile; his mouth formed a smile but his eyes and cheeks didn't smile with it. He quickly looked away and began to walk towards one the entertainments of the amusement park.

"Hey! Wait up!" said Liam and followed Sido closely. He could still hear the irritation in Liam's voice.

"You know what, Liam? I think I'm going to be happy for serious, once and for all" Sido completely took Liam off guard who had his invincible eyebrows lifted and said "Really?"

They were walking towards the free fall tower and what Liam heard while they talked was arranged as if Sido was saying his last goodbye. Coincidentally they didn't sit right beside each other and Liam felt that something was off. Liam thought that it was impossible for Sido to commit suicide with this high security with the entertainments but he was wrong: As they reached to the summit of the free fall tower Sido had let himself fall from the seat he was sitting.

"Finally I can go away from this horrible and cruel world. No more pain and suffering. No more grief and sadness. No more despair and hopelessness. No more energy wasted on my transparent façade and no more denials. It's going to end in a park where happy people are. Humpf. Happiness was something I've always tried to get but failed horribly in. But look at the bright side; I'm joining the only two people in the whole world who could understand and help me. Maybe they can help me to go the right path. Farewell, cruel world, I've failed"

_ _ That was the last thought Sido had right before he hit the amusement ground.