Camping
"What time is it? We've been out here a while."
"The sun hasn't even set yet! Sounds like it's nap time for the little German Shepherd pup."
"No, I mean, I was just asking."
"You're nervous, I can tell. Is this your first time in the forest?"
"Of course not. I've been here a few times, in the daytime. But being out here at night gives me the heebie-jeebies. Do we really have to sleep here . . .?"
"That's why they call it camping, you goof."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe we should set up the tent before it gets too dark."
"You do that, and I'll grab some firewood."
"Okay. Hey Rem, I bet this is just like home for a wolf like yourself!"
"As if I don't live right down the street from you!"
"Still, I bet your instincts are just flaring up like a common feral's. You're getting a real kick out of this, aren't you?"
"Y'know, it is pretty fun."
"I guess so."
"I've got the wood. Now . . . how do I start the fire?"
"I dunno. You just rub two sticks together and wait for a spark, right?"
"That's what I've been doing. And they still won't light."
"Just keep at it. I'm almost done here, and then I'll come help you."
"Stupid thing won't light . . ."
"Almost done, and . . . there! I did it! Let's just hope this thing doesn't come crashing down on us tonight when we're sleeping."
"Can you help me now, Blade? I still have no clue what I'm doing."
"Oh. Right. Hold on, let me just . . ."
"You don't know what you're doing either, do you?"
"You're the one who was supposed to light the fire!"
"I said I'd make it. Like get the wood and stuff. I didn't know it'd be this hard to light it!"
"Forget this."
"Where are you going? We can't just not have a fire!"
"Watch."
"You didn't bring a lighter, did you? That's cheating."
"Nope. Just some good old-fashioned matches. Nothing wrong with that, is there, wolf?"
". . . Seems legit to me. Fire it up."
"Okay, hold on. Oww!"
"You're supposed to keep your fingers at the far side of the match!"
"No one told me that!" *whimpers*
"They're your matches! Here, lemme see."
"Is it bad?"
"No, there's just a little burn mark. And it looks like all the fur is burned off your front paw."
"What!!"
"Just kidding. Doggy will be fine."
"If you say so. . . . Hey, when did it get dark?"
"I don't know. We were probably too busy to notice."
"So what do we do now?"
"I dunno . . . wanna tell scary stories?"
"Ooh! I got the perfect one! C'mon, get a log and we can sit around the campfire."
"Alright."
"Get me one too!"
*grumbles* "You can get your own log . . ."
"'Thanks!"
"Start the story now, Blade."
"Okay. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Goldypadlocks."
"Goldypadlocks?"
"Yeah. This girl was a thief, no, like a real hoodlum-type, y'know? She was always getting herself into trouble. Like she was bad. So one day she's running through the woods, and then she finds this cabin."
"I feel like I've heard this story before."
"Just let me tell it!"
"Alright. Keep going."
"So, anyway, she finds this cabin with no one else around and she breaks in through a window. Horrible, right? She breaks in and it's like something from Alice in Wonderland. Everything is huge! But she ends up eating their soup and using their ginormous toilets - stop laughing! - and when she's done with that she goes and plays their guitar, and breaks it. And after all this she goes to sleep in one of their beds. Crazy, right?"
"Yeah. Crazy."
"But what she doesn't know is that the house belongs to some bears. Three of them, massive, huge, and she's just a little human girl, you know? Well they come home and find their window broken into, their house a mess, their guitar broken, and the bears are mad. Like steaming. And they never got to eat their porridge, so they're hungry, too. And when they go into the bedroom - there's the girl! Sleeping in the little bear's bed like she owns the place! And you wanna know what happens next?"
"Go on."
"Okay, so they start walking to the girl all quiet-like, like they're stalking her. But she wakes up anyway. And she screams. And then - you wanna know what happens then?"
"Say it already!"
". . . They invite her to live with them! And this girl totally like accepts. And then they live happily ever after. The end. . . . Hehe, got you, didn't I?"
"The end? Man, that wasn't a scary story!"
"But didn't you hear, with the bears stalking her, and then they were about to attack her . . .?"
"Scary stories don't have happy endings!"
"They don't?"
"Nah, let me tell you a real scary story. Sit back. Ready? So there was this boy - young, maybe about 10 years old - and he decides he wanted to go on a little adventure. He runs away from his house at night, late at night, and starts walking down a path that leads into the woods. Except when he gets there he gets lost. He doesn't know where he's going, and he's scared."
"I don't know if I'm going to like this story . . ."
"He's so scared, until he finds this little red lizard. And it becomes his best friend. Now he's walking with this little lizard, trying to find his way back home. He just wants to go to bed now. The lizard tells him to follow it, because it knows the way, and this boy doesn't know any better but to follow. And it gets later, and it gets darker. They walk for miles and still the boy isn't back home. He doesn't know where he's going, and then the lizard stops in a little clearing surrounded by trees. And the lizard starts to grow."
"G-grow?"
"Yup. It gets huge, almost as tall as the trees around them. And what does the little boy do? Nothing. He just stands there, too scared to move. And the lizard - well now it's more like a huge raptor, blood-red with this ear-curdling screech - it looks at the boy. And it licks its lips. It opens its big huge maw and shows its razor-sharp teeth. The boy is practically wetting himself by now. He finally starts to run, but he's not fast enough. The monster reaches out with a claw and plucks him off the ground like a little berry. It tosses the boy in its mouth and swallows him whole. And all the boy can hear is the loud pounding of a heart - his own or the monster's, he can't tell - and then he reaches the stomach acid. It burns to the touch, and . . . a little while later, the monster shrinks back to a little lizard. It walks off, waiting for the next boy to come walking through the woods alone at night. No one has ever seen the little human boy since."
"Wh-what happened to him?"
"He didn't live happily ever after, that's for sure."
". . . That scared the pants off me."
"You don't wear pants."
"Neither do you! It's just an expression."
"Oh, yeah."
"The fire's going out. Can we go in the tent now?"
"Are you afraid of the nighttime creepy crawlies? Especially that lizard right over there?"
"Stop it. I know the difference between a scary story and reality."
"Yeah, I guess we'd better go in. Before the big, bad bears come and get us, and turn us into princesses!"
"Shaddup."
"Hehe."
"Where's my sleeping bag?"
"Over there. No, that's mine! Right there."
"Oh, thanks."
"I'm glad there's enough room in here. I was worried it'd be cramped."
"I wish it was warmer."
"What?"
"It's so cold out."
"That's how the nights around here get, you know that."
"What do you think it'd actually be like, though?"
"What?"
"To get eaten, you know, scary fangs aside?"
"I dunno. Probably nice and warm. You volunteering?"
"What?"
"C'mon Blade, you brought it up."
"That's crazy."
"Well, alright then."
". . . You said it'd be warm though, right? I'm still shivering from that creepy story."
"How about I make it up to you?"
"By eating me for real?"
"It won't be like in the story. My belly is warm and comfy."
"I dunno . . . Are you sure I'd taste good?"
"Is that a yes?"
"Only if you promise it won't hurt."
"Promise."
"Fine. . . . If you think I'll fit."
"Of course you will. Lie down. And close your eyes."
"Why?"
"Just do it."
"Ha ha ha!"
"Hey, don't move!"
"I'm sorry, but my feet - that tickles. I felt your tongue."
"Try to keep still."
"I'll try. Ha ha . . ."
"Don't sit up! You need to stay lying down!"
"Why do I have to keep my eyes closed?"
"Just relax. It can be hard eating someone so big."
"You're five-foot-eleven!"
"Still, it's better this way. Trust me."
"Yeah, trust the guy who's literally eating me alive."
"You want me to stop?"
"No. Just be quicker about it. I hear something outside."
"'fraidy cat."
"'fraidy dog, you mean."
"Oh yeah. You can open your eyes now."
"Woah! You've made some progress!"
"Call me a professional. Did anyone ever tell you your eyes glow when you're being vored?"
"Yeah. This one time, I -"
"Aha! So you have done this before! I was wondering why you were so into it even after my story."
"I told you. I know the difference between a scary story and reality. And it'll be a lot safer in there than out here with all the bugs and forest stuff and all . . ."
"Sure. Hey, close your eyes again. I'm about to finish."
"Alright. . . . Woah! Can I open them now?"
"If you want. You probably won't see much."
"Yeah, it's pretty dark in here. . . ."
"Ooh, hehe . . ."
"You like belly rubs?"
"Definitely. Now we just need to - ARRGH!!! NOO!! GEROFF ME!!!"
"What happened?! Is someone out there!?"
"No . . . It's just . . . that . . . the tent fell down!"
"Ha ha! You'll need to put it back up, then."
"Maybe I should spit you out and make you do it right this time."
"Hey! No more belly rubs for you, then."
". . . Or else I can just lie in it like a sleeping bag."
"That's more like it."
*yawns* "Well, I think I'm gonna go to sleep. . . . Can you keep rubbing for a while?"
"Yeah, of course I will. And thanks for this, y'know."
"Yeah, no problem. . . . Not a problem . . . Zzz . . ."
"G'night, Rem."