Home, Home on the Range...

Story by StGeorgesHorse on SoFurry

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#3 of Mad Amos Malone Stories

For those of you unfamiliar with Mad Amos Malone, he was originally created by writer Alan Dean Foster, who also wrote the original Spellsinger series.


           Amos Malone was sitting across the fire from

the Caddo medicine man known as Snow Bird. Now if you don't know of the Caddo

people, don't fret, because they didn't make a bad name for themselves like the

Shawnee or the Cherokee. They were a kind hearted people who lived off the land

and tried to be good neighbors to their fellow red man.Snow Bird was smoking his pipe,

delighting in the superior tobacco the white man had provided. In the old days,

good tobacco was easy to get, but now everything was second or third rate. That

was how the Indian was treated by this infestation called the white man. The

big brute across the fire was an exception. Then again, he was so dark and

gnarled that it was difficult to say if he was really white...or really human.

And he was speaking, so Snow Bird listened."So my friend, where do you think

the white man went wrong?"It was a loaded question, but the

medicine man knew that his answer must be honest. He drew a pull from the pipe,

held it in his mouth as he thought. When his brain had cogitated, he blew the

smoke out in little rings. The mountain man looked on in admiration."When the white man found this land

long ago, we were running it. We had no taxes and we had no money so we had no

debts.  There was plenty of game, from

the beaver to the buffalo. The air and the water were pure. Men hunted, women

cooked and watched the little ones. People came to me for healing, not to the

white man in his dark clothing. We hunted and fished all day, and had sex all

night. Only the stupid white man would think he could improve on that!"Amos laughed in appreciation of

Snow Bird's honesty. "Yep! And if you think it's bad out here, you should go to

Washington and see how they do it up close!"The medicine man puffed on his

pipe. "No thank you, oh hairy son of mine. That you would go there at all earns

you the name of Braveness. But if you persist in going there repeatedly, even

on our behalf, I will have to change your Caddo name to Foolishness.""You might be right, great father,

but remember, while you have adopted me into your tribe, I am by far your

elder."The medicine man nodded. If the

stories were to be believed, this mountain man, indeed a mountain of a man, was

so old it would make your head hurting trying to comprehend it. He was said to

be wise beyond reason, yet he traveled with an old ugly horse no respectable

Indian would eat, much less ride. It was like a tattered and multi-patched

blanket. Many times, Snow Bird himself had offered him a fresh mount. Each time his offer was politely

refused. "Worthless may not be pretty to look at, but there is no better equine

between San Francisco and New York City."The medicine man doubted that was

true, but the white man was known to be crazy, and crazy men were better left

alone."So why did you call me here Snow

Bird? Your message sounded urgent."There was silence as the tobacco in

the pipe lit up from a particularly long draw. When the Indian exhaled, the

smoke came out of his mouth like a miniature tornado."The buffalo will soon be no more.""I am aware of that Snow Bird. The

fools shoot them dead from the iron horses and leave them, or strip the skins

and let the meat rot. I'm only one man. I can't stop the stupidity of

thousands."The Indian nodded. "Against the

stupidity of so many, not even the gods can prevail. But you are not a man,

Amos Malone, nor are you a god. You are something in between and you can do

something to save the buffalo.""I'm listening." The mountain man

leaned back and crossed his arms."I have had a vision. In it, you

are to find the one called Buffalo Woman. She will tell you what you can do to

save the herds. If you do not, they will soon be gone forever, and even the

white man will see his folly.""Buffalo Woman? Dammit Snow Bird,

she's just a legend. How am I supposed to find a legend?""They call you Mad for a reason

Amos Malone. No sane mane would ever search out Buffalo Woman. But I think you

have no need to worry. She will seek you out. You must go to the Hill of Ten

Thousand Crows, and you will find her waiting for you.""The Hill of... Snow Bird, are you

crazy? That place is sacred ground. I may be mad, but I ain;t stupid. The

spirits in that place are strong, strong enough that I might not come away

alive!""True, hairy son. But if you tell

them why you are there, I believe they will help you in your mission. And if

Buffalo Woman is there, she will have already convinced them." Amos was bored right now, not with

this conversation but with his life, hence the reason he had answered this

summons. But bored wasn't the same as suicidal. White men didn't believe in

Indian lore, and often paid for their ignorance with their lives. They might

put their misfortunes down to accidents, or missteps or other natural causes,

but to one who knew and could see past the natural, many bad things happened

because of the supernatural spirits of the earth.Buffalo Woman had never been seen

by any living man, Indian or otherwise. She was strictly a legend. And despite

this, Snow Bird wanted him to find her. Having seen some unbelievable things in

his day, Amos wasn't ready to totally dismiss her existence, but he wasn't

prone to believe in it either. He therefore set off for the Hill of Ten

Thousand Crows.The hill, to a white man's eye,

looked like any other. It was topped by a large, very dead oak tree. More often

than not, it had birds perched in it, though they might be vultures instead of

crows. It had a good view of the surrounding plains, but was rarely used by men.

Even a pagan white man knew when he wasn't wanted. The place was often called

evil, but it wasn't. It was protected by the spirits of dead warriors who had

fallen on these plains. Hundreds of year's worth of battles had been fought,

and the bones remained buried nearby. The hill was a focal point, and they

protected what they felt was theirs with great diligence.Stay for a few minutes and nothing

would happen. But the longer a person stayed, the more they felt a feeling of

dread. Stay long enough and the spirits would coalesce and remove you any way

they could. If he found anyone there, anyone; it would have to be a lunatic or

worse.Worse is what it was. Worthless was

none too pleased to be walking up to such a haunted spot as this lonely hill.

He finally had enough and stopped, sitting his butt on the ground and dumping his

rider. If the human wanted to approach this place, good for him. There was

grass to be eaten and it wasn't anywhere near the hill."Damn idjit horse!" Amos bellowed

after his mount. "Good thing my legs are working fine!"The half horse, half unicorn

snickered and moved further away.Amos climbed the rocky tor, making

a beeline for the tree. The birds that normally perched there were gone. A

chill wind was blowing through its branches, creating an eerie cacophony of moans

and groans. He stopped and looked around, hoping that there would be no one

here. At first glance, his hopes swung high. They plummeted when he spied a

delicate foot sticking out from behind the other side of the tree.Not knowing what language this

person might speak, and only assuming that they were still alive, he called out

"O-si-yo!" When he got no reply, he called out again, "Ha-Li-To!" Still

nothing. He tried a few more greetings. "Hau? Buzhu?  Ya' At' 'eeh?"The foot withdrew from sight and

was replaced by an entire body that peered around the trunk of the tree. It was

of an Indian maiden, wearing a white dress covered in fine beadwork. "Hello!"

she said in plain English. "You need not try and impress me with your knowledge

Amos Malone. While I can speak Cherokee, Choctaw, Lakota, Chippewa and Navajo,

I am quite comfortable speaking in your tongue.He sucked in a breath. A lot of

Indians knew English, but her pronunciation was as perfect as an Oxford

professor's. And that wasn't the only thing perfect about her. So was everything

else, from her eyes to her toes; she was the perfect semblance of a woman."Ma'am, I don't know who you are,

but might I say what a lovely thing you are. And, if I might ask, how do you

know my name?"She smiled, dimming the high noon

sun. "I looked for a champion, and found you in the mind of Snow Bird. He calls

you his son, but that is a matter of tribal pride, not, how would you call it?

Oh yes, a matter of biology. You are not Indian Amos Malone, nor are you really

a white man. In fact, it would be closer to the truth to say you are no man at

all...""Now see here miss...; ...what is your name?""You already know all you need to

know about my name. I am the one they call Buffalo Woman."Amos stopped talking. He had

pictured a large, heavy set old witch woman when he had set out. This slip of a

female was nothing close to that. She looked young, and yet ageless. Her skin

was dark, yet shown with a radiance that rivaled the sun. Her eyes were deep

pools of amber, and her hair dark strands of pure silk.She was the Helen of Troy of the

Americas. There might not be a thousand ships to launch out here in the plains,

but if there were, they just might float about the grasses and weeds to fight

for her beauty. Amos was suddenly less sure of himself than he had been in a

long time. Since Buffalo Woman was real, then whatever his task was, was going

to be just as real. He didn't like tackling things that were controlled by

beings more powerful than he.He bowed. "Ma'am, allow me to tell

you what an honor..."She cut him off. "Save the

pleasantries Amos. I have need of you. The buffalo will soon be gone. I wish to

inject new life into what is left, so that they may continue to roam the world

as they have done for thousands of centuries. "He took off his cougar skull cap

and scratched his head. "That's all well and good ma'am, but how does this

involve me?""I am the mother of the buffalo.

When they came to this land it was because I brought them to it. I have stayed

to watch over them. Death is no great thing, for all things will eventually

die, making room for others. But the white man, he is a fool. He acts now and

thinks later. Much of what he kills, he does without reason. Many of the

creatures of this land are dying or dead. I will not let my buffalo die without

a fight.""Well, if it's a fight you're

starting, you can count me on your side!"She demurred. "No, not a fight Amos

Malone. Breeding."He pulled at his beard. "I don't

think I get you ma'am. Buffalo breed on their own. They just don't breed fast

enough to replace what the white man shoots.""Yeas Amos, you are correct. So I

must provide what remains with strong blood. That takes more than a little

effort. I need a good breeding bull."He didn't like where this was

going. "I hope you aren't suggesting that I mate with a buffalo cow? A human

and a buffalo ain't gonna have no child together!"She smiled. "No, more's the shame.

That would make this easy. No, I am suggesting that a bison bull of superior

bloodline mate with the cows.""I guess I ain't as smart as I

should be, because you aren't making a lick of sense."She whistled loudly. Much to his

surprise, Worthless came trotting up the hill, suddenly acting as if there were

nothing special about this chunk of up-heaved dirt he was standing on. "Your

steed is remarkable Mr. Malone, but not so much so when compared to you. " She

pulled Amos' sleeping kit from the saddle, gave the horse a kiss and sent him

on his way. He was literally dancing on his hooves as he returned to the plains

below."Take your attire off and put this

on."She had handed him his old,

moth-eaten buffalo skin blanket. A blanket that had seen a lot of use, but none

of it during the day. He complied, wondering what the point of this exercise

was. She smiled. "You make a fine, cutting figure in that Mr. Malone. I'm sure

you gave its previous owner a noble death."She then pointed to the ground.

"Roll a few times for me, would you?""What?""Roll on the ground. I'm sure a

little dust won't upset your bath schedule."He sighed. This was getting weird,

even for him. "Fine!"He dropped and rolled a few times

in the dust. By the time he got to his feet, he was feeling dizzy. His head was

hanging low, and he couldn't get up off of all fours. That's when he noticed

his hands were no long hands, but hooves. He shook his head in dismay. Oh, he

had been in worse fixes than this, but it would be hard to explain how."You see Mr. Malone, I have asked

the spirits here for help. You have a lot of traits that my buffalo have, and a

few they could use more of. So I decided that you would help restore the

balance."He tried to talk, but only managed

a snort and a grunt. She smiled at him, dropped to the dirt and rolled herself,

soon darkening her white dress with tan colored dust. By the time she too got

up, she had become a cow, only unlike him, she was white.If you do not know the significance

of the spirit animals to the natives of this land, then I will allow you to

keep your ignorance. I have no time to explain their beliefs to you now. Amos

had seen a number of them in his years, and only once had they had the result

that he was being asked to give here. Because of his early experience, he

tended to shy away from bears now, especially if he was riding up the Pacific

coast. She led him down to the plains.

Worthless caught sight and scent of him and fell to the ground in laughter.

Horses didn't have a proper laugh, but Worthless wasn't all horse. Amos felt

like lowering his new set of horns and goring his mount, but overrode his anger

and followed Buffalo Women out to the waiting herd. There were other bulls out there,

and as this was rutting season, it meant that many of them were tending to

their chosen females. Amos fell into his role rather too well, and started to

get into battles with the other bulls. Buffalo Woman was going to have none of

that. Summoning up the spirits of the dead, she used them to drive off the other

males. That left one massive bull and a herd of waiting females. Amos wanted to rebel against this

conscription, but the smell of the females was driving his nose absolutely

insane. One by one, he mounted the cows, for day after day, until he thought

his heart would explode. Once Buffalo Woman was satisfied that each one was

pregnant, she allowed him to rest.Though he couldn't communicate, he

could understand. She, being a bit superior to him, managed to speak in her

feral form. "You have done well Amos. After you have rested, there is one more

cow that needs to be serviced and you can be on your way."He grunted, blowing steam into the

cool morning air. He was normally very reserved when it came to lending out

sexual favors, for most women of the human kind found him to be large, brutish

and unclean. They failed to understand that in the true nature of things, that

was just how he was.As a buffalo, with thick hair and

an even thicker odor, that was nature of the beast. It was funny how the cows

thought nothing of it. It made him think that maybe he had been born into the

wrong species. He had never been much of one for perfumes and deodorants. Heck,

bathing happened maybe once or twice a year if he was lucky. Anything more and

he considered it bad form.He was wondering which of the cows

he had no yet impregnated when a fresh scent came to his nose. It was a cow in

heat, and she was close by. He snorted and licked the air, trying to narrow

down her location. When it dawned on him that the wind was coming from behind

him, he turned and stared.He had never dreamed that when she

said she was Buffalo Mother, she was really the mother of the buffalo that had

once spread across the plains by the millions. She was standing there, staring

at him, her eyes awash in the hormones that all females had when it came time

to breed.As a human, he would have balked at

sullying this fine creature. But as a bull, he seemed to have no morals, no

qualms about mounting this supernatural being. She turned and he lifted himself

up, striking her in the right spot on the first try. As he mounted her, he

wondered vaguely what it would have been like doing this in his natural form.The act was over far too quickly. Animals

never wasted much time in the mating process. Distractions lasting more than a

few minutes might prove deadly with all of the predators lurking about. He

dropped down to the ground, carefully following her back up the hill. At the

top, she motioned for him to roll again in the dirt. When he was done, he

stood, human once again, wrapped in his buffalo hide blanket.She spoke again, a strange thing

for any man to endure; to hear words coming from the mouth of a beast. "I thank

you, great Amos Malone. Is there anything I can offer you for your time and

vitality?" She winked with her big, expressive eyes."Errr, not a thing ma'am. I think

I've had an experience that puts everything else to shame.""Really? I thought I detected a

desire while we were connected. Something about doing me as a man?"He turned red, though it was hard

to tell with his dark, leathery skin. "Well, yes ma'am, I did think that.""Well, you're a man again, Amos

Malone. I'm not going anywhere."He stuttered. "No, no, no! Not with

you as a buffalo ma'am. I was thinking just you and me as, well, as we were

when we first met."She let out a low laugh. "As you

wish Amos Malone. You have ample manhood below your belt for a cow, but it

you'd prefer me as you first saw me, it's a small price to pay for the service

you have rendered." She dropped to the ground and rolled in the dirt. When she

came back up, she was in human form again."Is this more to your liking?" He

was about to tell her his opinion when she dropped her clothing, which he

finally realized was made of white buffalo skin. Underneath it she was all

human, from her perky breasts to her black hair. She was the Indian maiden to

beat all maidens. Of course, he corrected himself; she was a mother, so hardly

a maiden. But what she was superseded anything any human female could ever

offer."Ma'am, if you were any more

perfect, I might have to bruise you a little just so I wouldn't feel bad about

what I'm about to do.""Why Amos Malone, I'll take that as

a compliment!""But ma'am, should we really be

doing this? I mean, if you're already with child..."She laughed, a soft ringing sound.

"There's room for another. And I think that you deserve something a little more

relaxing and a little less strenuous before you go. She spread his blanket on

the ground. As he settled in to a little relaxation, he heard an equine laugh

in the distance. Whenever Worthless found humor in a situation, if often

preceded the mountain man performing some folly or another."To hell with you, you damned

useless beast. Go find your own mare to mount and leave me alone!" Since there

were no horses on the immediate plains, Worthless stalked the buffalo cows. One

or two might still have the need for a little attention. The females on the plain

got wind of him and started a minor stampede.