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A Question of Intimacy

The knock at the door was so tentative that Graaz, rousing from his light doze on the couch, wasn't entirely sure he'd heard it. He shifted slightly, his ears pivoting to fine-tune the input, the tip of his tail flicking a faintly irritated thap against the cushion. After a moment, the knock came just a bit louder than before, a muffled sort of tapping that seemed almost too polite. Graaz couldn't imagine who, among his friends, would think that knocking quietly was a good thing.

Yawning off the tattered rags of his evening nap, the great muscled tiger swung himself off the couch in a single unconsciously fluid motion, remembered just in time to don some shorts on his way to see who was awaiting him, and swung wide the door. His visitor, a slim yet solid young snow leopard about a foot shorter than the tiger's 82 inches, gazed up into Graaz's eyes with a look of intense sadness mixed with desperation. The visitor's eyes glistened with recent tears.

"Gabriel?" the tiger questioned. "Are you...?"

"May I..." The snow leopard, ears splayed, tail restlessly moving in a convoluted circle, couldn't squeeze out the rest of his request through the tightness in his throat.

Graaz reached out to take Gabriel's paw and gently but firmly drew him inside. Closing the door behind them, the tiger guided Gabriel to the sofa and sat him down. "What's happened?" he asked, sitting nearby. "Tell me what's going on."

"Ian," the visitor managed, fighting back more tears.

"Your boyfriend?"

"Ex."

Graaz waited as Gabriel's forepaws flew up to his eyes as if trying to stop the new tears from pouring out. The tiger had heard the term "drama queen" before, but this didn't apply. Gabriel was absolutely nuts over the young skunk who had - so far as Graaz had heard - all but proposed marriage to the snow leopard. The hurt was real, and it was deep. After several long moments, Graaz said, "Tell me what happened. I thought I was going to get an invitation to a wedding from you two."

Gabriel inhaled sharply and held the breath for a long moment, letting it out slowly. He was making a huge effort to calm himself, and Graaz found himself appreciating how much strength it was taking. In turn, he made himself be more patient than he usually was. After only a few moments, Gabriel seemed to find his voice.

"I'm not exactly sure what happened, Graaz." The snow leopard sniffed, his long thick tail curled protectively around himself. "When I saw him tonight, he was like no one I'd ever known before in my life. Yelling, screaming... calling me horrible names, making accusations..." Gabriel shook his head violently, as if to try to cancel out some terrible vision from his mind. "I don't understand, I don't know what happened, why he..."

Graaz put an arm around the tearful feline and squeezed gently. "He just suddenly blew up, for no reason?"

"Nothing I know about. Nothing I've done."

The tiger hesitated, then plunged ahead. "Okay, let's just pretend I'm a complete asshole. Is there anything you might have done that he just misinterpreted or something?" He felt Gabriel jerk suddenly in his embrace, and he squeezed the cat once more. "I'm just looking for a reason for all this, Gabe. He was wrong, whatever it was, but I can't believe that he'd just go ballistic for no reason, even if the reason isn't real."

Gabriel's body was stiff for a few moments longer, then slowly he relaxed again, nodding a little. "Yeah, okay - makes sense. I still can't think of anything, though."

"What was it that he said?"

Another deep breath. "He said I had a mania about sex, that I couldn't think of anything else."

Graaz grinned. "And why is that a bad thing?" The tiger regretted his words when he saw Gabriel's bitter frown. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "Maybe we don't have to pretend I'm an asshole after all." He squeezed the snow leopard's shoulders once more. "Let me understand something: Haven't you two been lovers for a while now? I mean, you've had sex?"

The smaller feline could only nod at this.

"He's never had any complaints or observations before now?"

A head shake.

"And all in a sudden, he's complaining that you're a sex-crazed maniac?"

Perhaps in spite of himself, the snow leopard shook once with a tiny laugh, but the humor didn't get all the way up to his face. The thought still pained him.

Graaz nodded slowly, taking in the information. "Gabe, I'm not one to talk; after all, I make porn videos for a living, so I probably am not the expert on how much sex is too much. Worse yet, I'm straight, so I don't know if you guys have different rules or something." The tiger glanced sideways, hoping to catch his friend smiling a little; in this, he was disappointed. He tried again. "Here, let's be original and pretend I'm actually able to do more than just joke. Tell me about what you two did together." He held up a forestalling paw. "Generally. We know you had sex, so let's take that as a given. What else did you two do together?"

The snow leopard snuffled back another tear. "What do you mean?"

Muscular orange shoulders shrugged. "Dinners, movies, walks in the park, volunteering at the soup kitchen, hang-gliding in the nude... how do I know?"

Gabriel coughed out a weak laugh in spite of himself. Graaz relaxed a little, even allowed himself to smile. He wasn't really aware, until that moment, just how worried he'd felt for Gabriel. He didn't like it when his friends were hurting.

"We went out a lot, at first," the snow leopard sighed softly. "Like you said, dinners, movies, that sort of thing. And we'd go back to my place and..." His cheeks reddened a bit under his fur. "I'm sure you can guess."

"I have a few theories, yeah." The tiger paused, then asked softly, "What changed?"

"It was like he didn't have time for me anymore." Gabriel was breathing evenly now, not happy but at least calmer, a little more relaxed. "We saw each other less and less. He was always busy, or he had to leave earlier. It got so there was no time for sex." He glanced up at the tiger, who kept his face neutral and nodded gently. "He was yelling at me that all I ever wanted was sex, but I saw him so rarely anymore, and I wanted to be with him. It got so that he would see me for only a few hours each week, and I wanted..." The snow leopard seemed to collapse into himself as he sat next to Graaz. "Maybe he's right about me."

"I doubt it. He sounds like a jerk." The tiger snorted softly. "There are other words I'd like to use, but they might be a bit strong for the moment."

Gabriel said nothing.

"Gabe, would you tell me something?"

"If I can."

"What is sex like for you?"

The snow leopard looked up sharply in surprise. "What?"

"No, I don't mean...!" Graaz shifted on the sofa, brought up one muscled leg and turned to face the other feline directly. "I mean, what is it like, for you, to have sex? What's it all about? Is it about love, or closeness, or how many positions you can get into... No, seriously - what is sex about, as far as you're concerned?"

For a long moment, Gabriel considered the question. "Sometimes, it's just about the physical sensations. I've been in situations where it's just bodies... some good ones, I have to admit! Like at the baths, or sometimes in a back room at a club. That can be exciting, if you're careful."

"Sounds like a lot of good opportunities," the tiger smiled. "Maybe I should reconsider my options!"

"You probably already get enough of that in your line of work," Gabriel said, the first real smile of the evening touching his muzzle. "You know what I'm talking about. For you, it might be work, but I don't imagine that you don't get some enjoyment out it."

Graaz chuckled. "True enough. It's tough to fake a cum shot when the camera is focused on every spurt."

The snow leopard's blush deepened considerably; he tried to cover it with a chuckle of his own. "Do different girls really feel different, or are they all the same?"

"Oh, there are lots of differences - boob size, how limber they are..."

"No, I mean..." Gabriel hesitated, then plunged ahead. "Do you perform better with some girls than you do with others?"

The tiger shrugged his wide shoulders. "Sure. Some are more of a turn-on than others, to me at least."

"And that's not entirely physical, is it?" The snow leopard seemed to be leading somewhere. "There's something else to it."

A slow smile appeared on Graaz's muzzle. "Anyone who thinks that sex is only about bodies is going to be in for a big surprise. Probably a disappointment. Sex is best when you can make a connection."

Gabriel nodded. "That's what I wanted. With Ian. It was there for a while, and then it seemed to go away. He stopped wanting to have sex with me." The cat looked down at his forepaws in his lap, his tail curled around him, its tip waving anxiously.

"It's more than sex that you wanted." The tiger leaned toward the smaller feline just a little. "You wanted intimacy."

"I need to be needed. And maybe that's too much to ask."

"Not at all." Graaz paused, then said, "I've changed my mind. I'm going to tell you flat out that Ian is a complete and utter idiot, and if he crosses my path, I'm likely to tell him so with the back of my paw. Sometimes, you just gotta thump someone who deserves to be thumped."

Snickering self-consciously, Gabriel said, "No need for that."

"I disagree," the tiger said firmly. "Ian is a dolt to have treated you the way he did. You deserve better, Gabe, and don't you ever forget it."

"How can you say that? You hardly know me."

"When did we meet?"

Gabriel thought about it. "Maybe... six or seven months ago. It was at some party or other."

"And you were hoping I was secretly gay, in spite of my reputation, right?" Graaz chuckled at the memory. He didn't want to embarrass his friend, but he remembered very clearly just how flirtatious the snow leopard had been. It was actually very flattering. "And then we got to talking about movies and such, and I was completely overwhelmed by your knowledge. I was feeling a little stupid by the time we all broke up and went home... but I made sure you gave me your number, because you'd talked about some movies that I wanted to see. And that's how I've gotten to know you over all these months."

When Gabriel looked up, it was with an expression of something like hope in his eyes. "Do you... I mean, I didn't come here hoping that you'd... I'm sorry, Graaz, I should just shut up."

"No, you shouldn't." Graaz stood up to his full height and reached out a paw. "You should come with me."

The smaller feline stared up at the great buff tiger before him and couldn't speak. After a long moment, he took the proffered paw and stood. Without a word, Graaz led Gabriel further back into the apartment, into the darkened bedroom done in deep muted blues and silver and black. At the foot of the bed, he turned to face the snow leopard directly and pulled him gently into his powerful embrace. Graaz could feel Gabriel tremble, his breath hitch in his throat, the desperate neediness in the return of the hug. The tiger simply held his friend for a long, tender moment, then bent to kiss the top of his head tenderly.

"Gabe," he said, "I'm going to take a risk here, and I hope I don't fuck this up." He pulled slightly away from the snow leopard and carefully removed the smaller cat's shirt. He saw, by the dim light, the waistband of underwear below the pants, so he helped him out of the pants until his friend stood before him clad only in silvery gray briefs. With great affection, he placed his huge paws to either side of Gabriel's face and looked deeply into his eyes.

"I want you to come cuddle with me. I want to hold you close and listen to everything that you want to tell me. If you want to stay the night with me, I want you stay. I want to spend time with you, warm and close. And before you ask..." He sighed gently and smiled. "I'm not doing this for sex. I don't think it's sex that you need anyway. You need intimacy. And I might be straight, but I can understand what it feels like for your heart to be hungry."

The tiger rubbed his thumbs tenderly on the snow leopard's cheeks, bent to place a kiss upon his forehead, and again looked into his eyes. "Is it okay?"

Gabriel took Graaz's paws in his own, kissed his palms, one after the other, and looked up at the tiger, a smile on his muzzle. "It's good," he said. Chuckling, he added, "We always hope for more, don't we? But I'm not stupid enough to turn down being loved." The smile faded suddenly. "Or should I call it that?"

The tiger smiled. "I'd like to call it love. We need more of that in the world. C'mon," he said, moving onto the bed. "Come cuddle."

Gabriel smiled, followed Graaz to the bed and, laying down, squirmed into a spooning pose. The tiger pulled the light silk sheet over them and tucked it around the snow leopard, feeling somehow protective as well as affectionate. Gabriel's fur was amazingly soft, and as Graaz put his arm around him, the smaller feline cuddled closer, moving his tail out from between them, then taking Graaz's arm in both of his, holding on, nearly purring. Smiling, the tiger said, "Okay... now you get to tell me everything."

"About what?"

"About everything. About you, your life, being gay, being an artistic designer, about movies, about everything. Everything that's important to you."

"That could take a long time."

"We've got at least all night."

Graaz felt more than saw the smile on Gabriel's muzzle; he heard it clearly when the kit said, "At the top of my list of what's important to me is this really wonderful tiger I know. He's an amazing friend, and he has a heart as big as all the world..."

The tiger had always loved bedtime stories, and this one had a great beginning. He purred - very softly, so as not to interrupt - and let the night cradle him and the kit in its sweet embrace.