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What happened that day there in the park really moved me... The things that Anna and her father said really kept me busy... I couldn't sleep that night because of it. So at some point, I got out of bed and I was browsing YouTube video's in my room in an attempt to set my mind on something else. After half an hour or so, I noticed a pop-up coming up from Skype and Samantha invited me for a video conversation. I didn't even know I was still online... After I accepted her invitation, it took a moment before the connection was established but once it did, I put on my headphones just so that I could talk to her... The first thing I saw were her lovely green eyes... Samantha looked absolutely stunning that night... 'Hey, Ceylan.' 'Hey sweetheart.' 'What are you still doing up at this time of night?' 'Hehe, I could ask the same thing to you.' 'Just got home after a night in town with the girls. Wanted to shut down my laptop until I noticed you were online.' 'Ooooh... I'm just, you know... I can't sleep so I'm watching people doing the stupidest things on YouTube just to set my mind on something else.' 'Bad dreams...?' 'Naaaah...'

I sighed quietly and lit up a cigarette as I kept staring out the window for a while... I know I'm thinking way too much about things to the point it drives me insane... And somehow, Samantha was able to see through me... 'You okay there...?' 'Sam...?' 'Yeah?' 'Can I ask you something...?' 'What's up?' 'Do you ever feel that one event sets the next in motion...? Like a domino effect...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'You've got something on your mind, you think about it... One thing leads to the next and something else is bothering you as well...?' 'Hm...' 'Like, everything you ever tried to set straight for yourself just come crashing down on you all at once...?' 'What's on your mind, Ceylan?' 'Uhm... Heh...'

Sam waited patiently for me to answer her question but I had no idea what to tell her. Things seemed way too complicated for me to understand so how the hell was I able to explain it to her while I didn't even know for sure myself...? Just what exactly WAS bothering me...? Nevertheless, I tried my best to explain... 'I was at the park today, trying to clear my mind and to write my diary about everything that was happening the last couple of days...' 'Nothing too bad, I hope?' 'No, no absolutely not... It might've happened a bit too fast but it was great...' "It...?" 'Uhm... Hehehe...'

I noticed Samantha raised her eyebrow and had a very cheeky smile on her face the moment I said that. And I saw that my cheeks turned as red as a tomato while I smiled nervously and averted my eyes from the webcam... 'Is there something you haven't told me yet, Ceylan...?' 'Yes, yes there is...' '... Sooooooo are you gonna tell me or should I guess what happened?' 'Last Friday, Blain stayed over for the night at my house...' 'He did??' 'Yes...' 'Did you guys, uh...?' "It..." 'Haha, oh wow...! How was it...??' 'Hehehe... It was great...'

Samantha waited patiently for me to talk about it but all I did was smiling nervously as I averted my eyes from the screen every once in a while... Samantha's always been the curious one so it didn't surprised me when she didn't took my answer for granted... '... And?? Come on, share some juicy details with me...!!' 'Haha! I knew you were gonna say that! But uhm... I suppose its part of the issue so...' 'Part of the issue?? Nothing serious, I hope...?' 'Oh, no, no, no! Nooooooo, that's not the case...! Uhm... Maybe its best if I start from the beginning...' 'Hm-mm...'

I sighed and took another puff from my cigarette as I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened my eyes, I saw that Samantha was sitting on the edge of her seat, paying full attention... 'Alright, uhm... You already know how I feel about Blain...' 'As your "mate".' 'Yeah, pretty much... Anyway, Blain kept me company ever since Simon and Catherine are on vacation. Nothing too crazy was going on at first. He just kept me company and we watched movies and played videogames together. And occasionally, we went out...' 'Uh-huh...' 'Last Friday, we were supposed to go out but decided to stay home anyway. And that's when I came up with the idea to play that card-game.' 'Card-game?' 'Yeah, you know, we used to play it. Three hundred and fifty questions about your sex-life to ask...' 'Oh, that game! Yeah, that always was loads of fun!' 'Hehehe... Some questions are really embarrassing to answer but that's what makes it so much fun.' 'Yeah...' 'Blain and I pretty much already know a lot about each other's sex-life seeing as the two of us have "mutual interests", if you know what I mean... He's the only one where I can talk so freely about it without ever being judged...' 'Hey, I'm not judging you either...' 'I know but what I mean is that I can talk to him about sex "the way that guys do", you know? I always felt that I look at my sex-life from a male's point of view, so... Talking to him about certain subjects really help... With the occasional cluster-fuck of emotions I'm feeling during sex, nevertheless...' 'Yeah, go on...' 'Anyway, uhm... We started playing, stuffed ourselves with junk-food and had loads of fun until...' 'Until...?' 'Until I came across a particular question that I was meaning to ask him for a very long time...'

I took a sip from my drink and another puff my cigarette... I closed my eyes the moment I exhaled through my nostrils as I had nervous little smile on my face... When Samantha noticed that I averted my eyes again, she became very curious... '... You really know how to build up suspense.' 'Hehehe... Uhm...' 'What, what, tell me...!' 'I took a card and asked Blain the question if he would have a one-night stand with the person sitting on his right...' 'How'd he answer?' 'He dodged the question by saying that no one was sitting on his right seeing as I was sitting across...' 'Ah...' 'He then relayed the question back to me and I said that a particular person didn't had to sit on my right for me to have a one-night stand with... I told him how I felt about it and that's when I asked him how he always did it, how he proposed one-night stands to girls...' 'Ah, I see...' 'He started to explain, assuming I had my eye on a girl and all so... Imagine the look on his face when I told him I had my eyes on a guy...' 'How'd he react?' 'Surprised, really. I get the feeling he wasn't that comfortable with the idea of me with another guy but nevertheless, we talked about it...' 'And then what?' 'At some point, he told me that I should go for it if I really wanted to and said that nothing would change between the two of us if I did...' 'What'd you say?' 'That's when I asked him if that was the case when the guy in question was him...' 'Haha, oh wow...' 'Hehehe...' 'And that's when you guys went for it...' 'Yeah, pretty much... After we talked for a long time about it...'

I smiled the moment I saw Sam's reaction... Almost as if she was just as excited about it as I was... I kept staring at her as a huge smile appeared on her face... 'Haha, wow... That's one way to break the news... I admit, that's a smooth move...' 'Hehehe...' 'So then what?' 'Well, Blain rushed next door, to his own house to get a box of condoms... Needless to say, he came back real quick.' 'Haha!' 'I wasn't expecting it to happen that night but truth is, it all felt good and the two of us had the time of our lives together...' 'It's great to hear that you did..' 'The next morning however, that's when the doubts and hesitations came... Blain told me that he didn't felt comfortable afterwards for knowing what happened and it actually made me doubt as well... It felt as if we rushed into it despite the fact we talked about it for so long before we actually went any further...' 'Why is that?' 'Blain feels that he took advantage of me, knowing what happened a long time ago... And well, seeing him in doubt made me think twice if I really want to go on with this...' 'You mean, occasionally have sex with him...?' 'Yeah... The thinking started and one thing lead to another... And I have really mixed feelings about it...' 'I see...' 'So I went to the park today to set my mind straight about it. To write everything down that I was feeling in an attempt to get things off my chest and I sat there on a bench near the playground. And while I was there, kids went to the playground after school was over.' 'Hm-mm...' 'And there was this little cheetah girl who stood out from everyone else because the clothes she had on her looked all worn out. I guess she was probably five or six years old and she sat on a see-saw all alone after she was being ignored by all the other kids. Seeing how she played by herself was a wonderful thing to watch because she seemed so content with everything despite the fact that she was all alone.' 'Kids can be so cruel...' 'Yeah... Anyway, she went up to an ice-cream stand not too far from the bench where I was sitting and it turned out that she didn't have enough money to buy an ice-cream. I felt so sorry for her after I saw her sad face and the way she walked back to the see-saw, looking so upset... And that's when I went up to her and gave her five dinar so that she could buy an ice-cream...' 'Awww...' 'She had absolutely no idea why I was giving her five dinar out of the blue and hesitated to take it... But after I told her that it was okay, she kept staring at it, as if she had absolutely no idea what to do with it. She wanted to give me her two dinar coin in return but I told her to keep it and she still had no idea what to do with it... So that's when I took her hand and I bought ourselves an ice-cream... She kept the five dinar I gave her just so that she could buy one the next day... The fact that she wanted to give her coin in return tells a lot about her as a person...' 'Hm...' 'Anyway, she sat next to me a while later and thanked me. That's how we started to talk. And the things she told really moved me...' 'What'd she tell you?' 'I asked her where her mommy was when it was getting late and she told me that her mother was in heaven...' 'Oh...' 'It's something I can relate to so I started to speak up my mind and talked to her about it... But nevertheless, she was so strong and content with her life, despite the difficult things she's going through... But I can honestly say that it really moved me...' 'Yeah...' 'And when her dad came to pick her up, she told him everything I did... He sat down next to me and we started to talk as well as his little daughter went back to the playground again...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And he... Heh... He seemed to go through difficult times and yet manages to keep his spirit up...' 'Because his daughter is depending on him...' 'Exactly... He said that we can't change the direction of the wind but we can steer ourselves to whichever destination we want to reach... When I said I could imagine that it wasn't easy, he said that no one ever said its easy... But that adversity smiles down on all of us. All we can do is to smile back...' 'Heh...' 'And it had me thinking ever since... It made me wonder why I'm never content with my life despite the things I have now...'

I sighed quietly and averted my eyes for a moment again... I could see that Samantha was thinking about everything that I said to her and it took a moment for her to let everything sink in... 'It affected you in more ways than one, didn't it, Ceylan?' 'Yeah, to say the least... I have the tendency to think about things way too much but, uhm... I can honestly say that it opened my eyes, you know...' 'In what way?' 'It made me realize that I need to make a change for myself in order to be content with my life...' 'What makes you say that?' 'I keep clinging on to the past while I'm neglecting the things I have in the present... Talking to them made me realize that I can't change the things that happened, no matter how much I want to...' 'I see...' 'But he's right... All I can I do is to "smile" back... And I need to make a change for myself if I ever want to move on...' 'What exactly is on your mind then...?' 'Lots of things... The war, my sexuality, the people around me, the way I see the world... A lot of things I can't change, undo or simply can't accept it the way it is...' 'So you're looking for ways to acceptance in order to move on.' 'Hm-mm... They say that there are five stages of acceptance in order to move on... You study psychology, you should know...' 'Yeah, there is. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.' 'Heh... I always felt that I kept cycling between the first four stages but never came to acceptance... And that's why I need to make a change for myself... The things that happened are not related to each other in any way and yet somehow it all feels connected...' 'You feel that when you think of one thing, you start to worry about other things too?' 'No, that's not it.' 'What do you mean when you say its all connected, even though you say the events are not related to each other in any way?' 'Uhm... Think of it as a delicious pizza...' 'A pizza??' 'Yeah... With all sorts of yummy toppings, like bacon, chicken and stuff...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And there are some toppings you don't like, such as spinach and anchovies...' 'Okay, go on...' 'Sooooo... In order for me to enjoy that pizza, I remove the things I don't like...' 'Uh-huh...' 'But I can't remove it without getting my fingers messy...' 'Yeah, okay...' 'And sometimes, you don't see some of the ingredients that you don't like which can totally ruin the bite you take from that slice of pizza...' 'I see...' 'And then you'll be more careful the next time you take a bite... The spinach and anchovies are two different things yet they both leave a nasty after-taste long after you've finished it... So the question is, did I truly enjoy that pizza...?'

Samantha stayed silent for a moment to let everything sink in... After which, she smiled at me... 'Interesting... You always had a very peculiar way to explain things, hihi... I've never heard someone using a pizza as a metaphor for life.' 'Heh... I didn't know how else to put it...' 'But I get your point, I understand what you're trying to say.' 'You once told me that I had to deal with the sources of my problems and, uhm... Heh...' 'It's not like you can solve everything for yourself at the same time, you know.' 'I know, and that's exactly what I've been doing over the years... It's not until now that I'm realizing that...' 'What do you think has the biggest priority to be set straight for yourself?' 'I think it's the war...' 'And why is that?' 'Because it's been following me ever since... Influenced my life the most...' 'I see...' 'Heh...' 'Do you feel the need to share your story then? To let people know what you've experienced?' 'No, absolutely not... I don't know what I would be gaining from that... People who weren't there can't relate to it... I don't need their sympathy or pity... Those who did only emphasized it, making it even more difficult than it is... Not to mention it makes me look like an attention-whore...' 'Blain and I are the only ones you ever told, right...?' 'Yeah... But even you guys don't know the whole story...' 'It's not like we're expecting you to tell us everything if you don't want to... As long as you know that we're here for you when you need it...' 'I know, sweet pea...' 'Hm...' 'It's just that, uhm...' 'Yes...?' 'Heh... There hasn't been anyone I can relate to...' 'You mean someone who experienced the war too?' 'Yeah... And then not too long ago, I met someone who was there as well... I can't tell you how strange that was for me... I've been meaning to talk to him about it but... I'm very scared to do so...' 'You mean that guy you met at the diner...?' 'Yeah... Tarik is his name...' 'Why are you afraid to talk to him about it...?' 'All these years, I felt that I was all alone in this and that it's something I always had to deal on my own...' 'No one can ever do these kind of things alone...' 'I know... But I can't tell you how scared I am to know that I need to talk to him...' 'Do you believe it gives you closure by talking to him?' 'No, I don't... That's what scares me the most...' 'Hm... Have you ever imagined that he might feel the same about it...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'That he felt alone for all these years...? To feel the same anger and fear that you have...?' 'Yeah...' 'And how do you think the two of you would feel if you both know that you can relate to one another...?' 'I honestly have no idea...' 'You said that people can't relate to you when you tell them about it simply because they haven't experienced the war themselves...' 'Yeah...?' 'Do you think the two of you could relate to each other...? Do you think he'd understand you if you shared your story with him...?' 'Heh...' 'Would you understand him if he told you his story...?' 'Undoubtedly...' 'Exactly... So I honestly believe he feels the need to talk about it just as much as you do, Ceylan... Blain shares his story on online forums with other Sercian veterans and look how well he's doing... He advised you to do the same, didn't he...?' 'Yeah, he did...'

It stayed silent for a while as I took another sip from my drink... When I looked at my ash-tray, I saw the rest of my cigarette was burned up so I stubbed it out... I stared back at my screen just to watch those lovely green eyes of her... She is absolutely gorgeous... 'How does it make you feel right now...?' 'Hm, I'm sorry...?' 'How does it make you feel now that you realize that you need to set it straight for yourself...?' 'Heh... I feel empty on the inside, to be honest... I know what has to be set straight yet I feel so powerless... Not being able to set it straight for myself makes me feel as if I don't have a purpose in life and whatever it is that I do, it will always be meaningless...' 'Isn't that what you get to decide for yourself...?' 'What is...?' 'To give meaning to your life...? The actions that you do and the decisions you make reflect back on yourself... And only you can give those decisions a purpose... Even the bad ones...' 'Yeah...' 'Your actions, even the bad ones, define you for who you really are...' 'I can't really say I'm proud of the things I did...' 'But it helped to shape you into the girl you are today, didn't it...? And look how far you've come in all these years that I've known you...' 'Heh...' 'And I honestly believe that talking to Tarik would definitely help you... Because you'd have someone who understands but also someone you can relate to...' 'Yeah...' 'But more importantly, it is to realize that you're not alone in all this... You of all people should know what it feels like... And I can imagine that Tarik feels the same... But you're the one who can make a difference... Not just for him but you'd make a difference for yourself as well... A change, the first step to acceptance...'

I closed my eyes for a moment as I felt a chunk stuck in my throat that got bigger and bigger when she told me that... And Samantha was right... If I ever wanted to make a difference, changed the way I lived my life and accept things the way they are, this had to be it... Not only would I be making a difference for myself but perhaps for Tarik as well... And if Tarik and I could help each other out by simply sharing our stories, then I suppose it's worth it... The change I wanted to make for myself would be well worth it... I tried to swallow that chunk down my throat as the tears were rolling down my cheeks... When that didn't work, I just kept staring down and scraped my throat as I wiped the tears from my eyes... And Samantha saw everything... 'Awww, honey... Don't cry...' 'I-I'm sorry, I'm just, uh...' 'It's okay...' 'Heh...' 'It's going to be alright, I know it will...' 'It's not going to be easy...' 'No one ever said that it's easy... I believe those are your words...' 'No... Those are the words from someone who made it through...' 'But you can be that someone too...' 'Heh... Perhaps...'

I wiped my eyes as I scraped my throat and when I did finally looked at my screen again, I saw that Samantha had a gentle smile her face... Samantha was always cheerful and stayed positive... There was no way someone or something was ever going to break her spirit and even though there are a lot of bad people in the world, she always saw something good in them... It's because she saw something good in me as well that made her stay with me over the years... And I honestly can't tell you how much it means to me that she did... How much she means to me as a friend... I don't know how she always managed to keep her spirit up whenever things were looking down... But it meant the world to me... She has helped me more than she would ever realize... And up to this day, I'm still very grateful for everything she ever did for me...

I saw the way she smiled at me and I smiled right back at her as I wiped the tears from my eyes... I took a deep breath and sighed quietly... I can't say how liberating it was when I felt the burdens coming down my shoulders... For the first time, I felt I was able to breathe... I closed my eyes for a moment just so that I could let everything sink in... Just so that I could get my mind straight... 'How do you feel right now...?' 'I feel so tired... But I'm okay...' 'Alright...' 'Aren't you tired, Sam...?' 'Just a little...' 'You should get some sleep then...' 'I will... It's getting late...' 'Yeah...' 'I'm here for you, okay...? You can always call me if you feel the need to talk to me...' 'Thank you...' 'It'll be alright, Ceylan...' 'I know...' 'Sweet dreams...' 'Goodnight... I love you, Sam...' 'I love you too...'

She looked straight in the webcam and I was drowning in those beautiful luscious green eyes of her as she gave one last smile before she went offline... I stared at my screen for a moment and sighed quietly when I started to think about everything... I looked to my left and saw my locket on my desk... All these years I thought it might contain some answers but truth is, it never did... And even if it does, would it give me closure...? Something always told me that it never would... I turned my computer off and got back in bed, staring at the ceiling... I can't really explain how I felt the moment I closed my eyes... Almost peaceful... As if whatever it was that I was about to do would mean a whole new beginning for me... For knowing what I had to do... I knew it wasn't going to be easy... But then again, no one ever said that it was...