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Well I bet you are wondering why I'm writing to you, it's a bit of a long story, in fact it's my whole life really. It started back when I was fifteen and my parents brought me to this caravan park, where I'm staying right now. Sand Haven, a small park next to a sort of nice beach and a small lame funfair. At fifteen I hated it but my parents brought me anyway.

I remember it like it was yesterday, which is funny because I really don't remember yesterday at all. It was a wonderful day, one of those rare perfect British summer days. My parents had taken me for a walk along the coast, to where beaches became cliffs with acres of grass spanning everywhere. Wildflowers and bees, with the crashing of waves occasionally punctuated by the cry of seagulls. The air so clean and dry, the sun beating down and yet not melting you, just keeping your fur warm.

My parents were setting up the picnic and I was wandering around like the grumpy teen I was. I passed a sign noting that it was dangerous to go near the cliff edge, I snorted with derision and then took a step too far. Terror and panic gripped me as I wobbled one foot on the abyss leading to the crashing waves twenty meters below, the other starting to slip out behind me.

That's when he found me, I remember the feel of his arms as they surrounded me and the tug as he jerked me back. We landed in the long grass, myself in his arms. Your father, my hero and another bored fifteen year old boy. It was love at first sight, you may call it a school boy crush if you want. I took one look at his blue eyes, his dark and white fur in the classic husky pattern and I was gone, head over heels boy.

We became friends and I remember that summer spending every waking moment with him or thinking of him. He was so sweet and funny, he made me laugh and I got to spend a lot of time away from my parents. They were grateful to have their boy off and having fun instead of whining about how he missed his friends.

After a few days we had our first kiss, just a peck and yet it made my heart race more than a full on deep passionate kiss with anyone else. Spending our days together in one of the many little hidden coves, hiding in caves whenever anyone else wandered past. We explored each other as the summer went on, as the waves crashed and the seagulls cried. It was perfect, and he was so beautiful and I loved him more than I ever thought I could love anything but my xbox.

When my holiday came to an end I made sure to keep his details and we kept in touch. Talking everyday on the phone, the internet and even sending emails to each other when one of us wasn't online. We managed to get both our parents to take us back to Sand Haven for the next summer, two sixteen year old boys deeply in love. Playing in the sea and sand, pushing ourselves and our limits.

He brought a hammer and chisel and he carved our names in a heart on the cliff wall. It's still there I saw it this morning, weathered and eroded but legible. Mostly what I remembered was the time we spent holding each other, nothing in this life has compared to behind held by your father. Save the day you came running to me for a hug, for the first time, oh I can't tell you how a hug from a little two year old made me cry.

Those two perfect summers; four weeks, twenty eight days and twenty six nights in perfect heaven. Stealing kisses when our parents weren't looking, or we thought so anyway. We made plans, just like any teenagers in love, blind silly plans, yet we meant every word. To move in together and be a proper couple, soon as we both finished school.

Of course life never runs according to your plans, especially when one of you wants to go to university and the other just wants to live together after college. We fought like only young fools in love could and I went to uni anyway, for a while we broke up. University was not fun for me, thought at the time I convinced myself it was. hitting the gay bars, a different guy every night and tear soaked pillows most mornings.

However, nothing lasts forever and eventually I graduated and returned home, I was unemployed and moping. My parents decided to cheer me up and took me on a little holiday, right back to Sand Haven and who should I find in the caravan next to ours but a certain attractive husky.

Of course at first we didn't speak, we were too mad at each other, but our parents were good friends by then and kept taking us to the same places. Then one day they headed on a trip early one morning and I found myself wandering along the cliffs, summer wind blowing warmly though my fur. I spotted him sitting in the grass just by the cliff where we first met. Not a word was spoken, I just sat down next to him and kissed his lips.

A lot of people are unlucky they bounce from relationship to relationship always trying to convince themselves that they are in love. As the sun beat down, the waves crashed and the gulls sang I didn't need convincing I knew it, love true and pure. Our lips said it all without speaking and he embraced me again, the feel of his warm arms around me, I remember it still.

We were back together and soon our plans were back on track as we moved into a tiny stinking flat. No T.V, no computer, hell no curtains and just a mattress on the floor for a bed. None of it mattered though, we were together and I felt his arms around me every night. The neighbours never seemed to complain about the lack of curtains though.

I remember that first summer together we saved up and managed to afford a single weekend at Sand Haven, three nights and two days together here. I did a bbq on the clifftop where we first met, a tiny little one pound disposable bbq with Tesco value burgers and sausages, all burnt. We ate them like they were prime steak and lay on the cliff until the summer sun died and the stars came out to dance.

Time passed, it's the sort of selfish thing time does. We went from two young guys with no job, to guys with poor jobs, to guys with ok jobs. We moved from the flat into a little house, nothing fancy just enough for us. Then one day we saw an article about a change to the law and suddenly new feelings were awoken in both of us. A new desire, a natural one too we wanted to be fathers, we wanted you.

Laws change far faster than people and it was not an easy task we set ourselves; prejudice, hared, accusations and religious zeal. We faced it all and more, with your father by my side fighting for you. We fought for the rights others were born with and in the end we won. Your father was amazing, he never faltered, every hurdle we fell at he picked me up and kept us going. Until eventually we won and you were our reward, priceless and beautiful.

You will never understand the joy of that day we met, or the terror as I looked in your wide open eyes. Realising that I was going to be you father, that you were my responsibility, that you knew nothing of who we were, what we had gone through. All I could think was 'what if you hate me?'

I remember your tears as we took you home, your realisation that the world is something far too big for you to control. I cried to, we all did. Those first few weeks were tough and there were more tears from all of us before things started to settle. A month later we brought you here, for a little holiday and I remember your eyes as you saw the sea for the first time, so wide open, so terrified and so excited all at once.

There were no tears just laughter and joy, we showed you some of our favourite places and you rode on the rides in the funfair. It was beautiful, you didn't cry when it was time to go home, you just hugged me and fell asleep in my arms and melted my heart.

We went back the year after and the next, your father and I promised to bring you back every summer and we both meant it. Then one trip here I was bbqing and you were playing with your lego, I wanted some sauce and your father promised to get some. He never came back, they told me that he didn't see the car that hit him, that he felt no pain. It didn't matter and it didn't register, all I knew was I would never feel his arms around me again.

A big part of me died that day, but holding you while you cried as you lost your third parent helped me. I knew I had to be strong for you and that is what I was, who I became. Your father and that was my life, I may have had dalliances with others, but nobody ever made me feel like he did. I never brought you back here, the memories were too strong, too painful. Now it feels right to come back. Some days I would wake and for a few moments I wouldn't remember, I lived for those blissful seconds of ignorance.

Other days the memory would come back so sharp and painful I couldn't stop crying. I remember the day you let me hold my first grandchild and I burst into tears, I never told you but it was because he wasn't with me. He should have been with me and I miss him as much today as the day a police officer told me he was never coming back.

You are grown now, and you don't remember him, but he loved you. He fought for you just like I did and I feel so angry that you never got to know him as an adult. He would have been so proud to see who you became, as proud as I am.

But the reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to remember, it's a one man's story, one of millions in this world.I just needed you to know and remember it, and to remember that we loved you.

I have been lying to you for months now and the reason I have been doing better is because I stopped the chemo, I'm sorry. I don't want my last days to be spent puking my guts up while I terrify my grandchildren, some goblin in a hospital bed. I didn't want that to be your last memory of me and I don't have the energy or desire left to fight for one more miserable painful day.

I have just a few days left, and it's summer. I am going for a walk along that old clifftop to feel that warm summer breeze in my fur. I love you, never forget that. I can feel his arms around me.