Chapter 29
#30 of The Mating Season: The Years Inbetween
Timeline: Still between MS3 and MS4
Chapter 29
Gurwin was dead.
And had left behind nothing but pipes, it seemed.
Kel hated pipes. The things were everywhere. He stood in Gurwin's house, wishing he could use the damn things to burn the place down. This was the house where he would come home as a child to find Gurwin smoking - most likely something that had gotten him high, as he would immediately begin to berate Kel to tiny emotionally shattered pieces.
Of course, by the time Kel was a teenager, he had learned not to cry in front of Gurwin. To do such a thing quickly earned him a contemptuous look or a harsh insult. He would simply march past his father's chair and head to his room. And he would not come out for anything. Not even supper - which he had probably taken at Loryn or Yzlo's house an hour before regardless.
Yzlo's mother Hateya had always felt bad for Kel that his mother had left, and as a result, she always tried to be a mother to him. Gurwin remarried - but Kel's stepmother left Gurwin as well and he fell deeper into bitterness, giving Hateya two reasons to pity Kel. Over the years, Kel and Yzlo's mother developed a close bond that Gurwin looked upon from afar and envied. When Zelk died, Kel brought Hateya flowers. When Gurwin died, Hateya insisted on hugging Kel for two minutes straight, then plying him with wrapped dishes of food. Kel took the food and thanked her and watched her kiss Yzlo's cheek before departing.
Now he and Yzlo wandered around Gurwin's house, cleaning up his old sitting furs, bearskins, knives, weapons, and placing burnable things in the barren fire pit of the front room. Kel threw in all his father's pipes, and Yzlo cocked an eyebrow.
"What?" Kel said miserably.
They stood over the fire pit together, staring at the pile of pipes.
Yzlo cleared his throat. "It's just . . . some of those pipes are really valuable, Kel. And you want to burn them?"
Kel shrugged, his green eyes hollow. "I refuse to sell these and help more poison suckers like him!"
Yzlo watched Kel furtively from the corner of his eye, but he said nothing.
They pulled up chairs to the fire pit and sat side by side.
Yzlo pulled a flask from the pack on his hip and uncorked it. He'd been saving it for just such an occasion. When Zelk died, he and Kel got drunk then as well. He took a swig and licked his lips, watching as Kel fumbled in his own pack.
Kel struck a light and threw it into the pit. The wooden pipes - all beautifully and exquisitely carved - went up in flames. The smell was awful, but Kel didn't budge. Yzlo knew he couldn't leave Kel - not in this state - so he didn't budge either.
"What will you do with the house?" Yzlo wondered. He sat leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, the flask dangling in one paw.
Kel sat hunched in his chair, looking deflated. "Huritt said he'd give me two pigs for it."
Yzlo snorted. "Two pigs? Is that what you think your father's house is worth?"
Kel's eyes hooded. "No. I think it's worth one pig."
Yzlo laughed sadly. "Kel . . . I know you don't want to hear this --"
"I don't," Kel said, frowning slightly.
"--but I truly wish you and Gurwin had made up. He made a real attempt to reach out to you, Kel. And you pushed him away --"
"I have every right to push him away," Kel said tonelessly. "It was too late by then, Yzlo. The damage was done."
Yzlo looked to Kel incredulously. "You fucking hypocrite. What's that crap you're always telling Loryn? Oh right: it's never too late."
Kel said nothing.
"You're so quick to tell the rest of us how to live our lives, but when we try to help you, you don't want to hear shit."
Kel was again silent.
"Your father died of bitterness and anger, Kel. If you aren't careful, the same could happen to you. I don't want to see that happen. Remember what you did when my father died?"
"Yes," Kel said dully. "I brought your mother flowers. She cried on me for an hour."
"After that."
"I told you . . ." Kel swallowed hard. ". . . that your father went to his grave loving you. No matter that the two of you didn't get along . . . he loved you." Kel sighed dismally as he realized Yzlo's point. He suddenly scowled. "Zelk did not abuse_you, Yzlo, and you damn well know it. He never called you vicious names or made you feel bad for what you are! Gurwin did that to me! I hated myself and my sexual feelings for years because of him. I believed that what I felt was wrong and disgusting . . . I believed _I was disgusting. No child should have to feel that way - and because of their father."
Yzlo watched his friend sympathetically: Kel sat in the same weary hunch, staring at the fire, his green eyes shimmering on the verge of tears. He passed Kel the flask and watched as he took a swig.
Yzlo half-wished Kel's family was there. They were the only ones who could properly comfort Kel. But as it was the middle of the night, Aliona was at home sleeping, for when she offered to help Kel clean out his father's house, he insisted on doing it without her. Yzlo knew it was because Kel did not wish for Aliona to see him cry. He had also refused to call Zaldon for the same reason. Kilyan, meanwhile, was at home with his wives and young sons, and Zalia was at home with Keeno and Enya - Yzlo's feisty little eleven-year-old granddaughter. He smiled.
"Zelk loved you," Kel whispered after a pause. He lowered the flask and stared at the fire with glistening eyes. "The two of you argued . . . but it was normal arguing, Yzlo, he didn't really hurt you . . . he didn't really abuse you. . . ."
"But he did damage me, Kel," Yzlo said quietly. "We argued because I watched for years as he fucked around on my mother and made her cry. And all because she made him promise not to take another wife! My last words to him were that I hated him. And knowing that he died because of me . . ." He sighed heavily.
Kel's green eyes slid to their corners and regarded Yzlo with sympathy. He reached over and patted Yzlo's shoulder. "He didn't die because of you, Yzlo," he said soothingly, "he died for you."
Yzlo smiled at Kel sadly and took the flask back when it was passed to him. He took a long swig.
Kel frowned at the fire. "What I can't understand," he said after a while, "is why you worshipped_my father the way you did. Sure, he was a great warrior . . . but he was a _prick . . . and a hard-ass. He had me start my warrior training when I was six or seven. He was crazy. A little boy is supposed to be playing, having fun - not running circuits and doing pushups."
". . . we all know," said Yzlo quietly, "that you would never have met a certain someone if Gurwin hadn't been forcing you to run circuits around the village."
Kel swallowed hard, thinking of that day so long ago when he fell on top of Zaldon. He closed his eyes. "And the way he treated Zaldon . . ." He opened his eyes again and glared at the fire. "I'll never forgive him for that! He made Zaldon's life a living hell for years just because he was a winter wolf! Zaldon would come on the camping trips with his stepfather, and somehow, my father and Melgo always wound up at each other's throats -- because Dad was convinced Zaldon had grabbed my ass or something crazy!"
Yzlo laughed flatly. "And that day when you were in the tree . . . you and Zaldon didn't . . .?"
"We were kids, Yzlo," Kel said witheringly and took the flask when it was passed to him again. "All we did was sit there and talk. He wrapped his tail around mine . . ." Kel laughed sadly. "He was so sweet even then. Why didn't I see it?" He shook his head and took a swig from the flask. He licked his lips. "Zaldon loved me so long . . . and I never knew."
". . . if Zaldon said all these things to you, would you listen?" Yzlo said slowly.
Kel snorted, and when he looked wearily at Yzlo, they both knew the answer to that: Kel wouldn't listen to Zaldon anymore than Yzlo.
"Zaldon didn't get along with Bayne either. I think he regrets . . ."
"Yeah, well, I regret nothing!" Kel snarled at once and chucked one of Gurwin's bearskins onto the flames.
"Can you really say that?" Yzlo pressed quietly.
"You had the best relationship with your dad out of all of us, Yzlo," Kel said. "Zelk might have screwed up where your mother was concerned, but he kissed you and played with you . . . he hugged you and didn't call you cruel names . . . he truly loved you. I didn't feel loved when I was with Gurwin. I felt like . . . his problem."
They fell silent.
Kel suddenly began to cry - violently and wretchedly. Yzlo glanced at the flask and silently regretted giving him anything to drink: Kel always got emotional like this whenever he drank. Yzlo carefully pried the flask from Kel's paw and slipped it back in the pouch on his hip.
Kel sank forward, buried his face in his paws, and wept hard. Yzlo frowned sadly. He reached over and rubbed Kel's back soothingly. When Kel cried harder, Yzlo cleared his throat and moved his chair closer to his friend's. He put his arm around Kel, and Kel dropped his head on his shoulder and shook with sobs.
"Let it out, Kel . . ." Yzlo whispered and squeezed Kel hard in his arm. "It's okay. You can cry now . . . Gurwin can't hurt you anymore."