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Jim's Night Out

Written by grrside

Do you want to know why I LOVE all those fast food joints? Is it the cheap, mass-produced "meat"? The free soda refills? The repressed self-hatred hidden in the smile of the cashiers as they take your order? All that is awesome, I tell you, but people with no money like me can't afford that. No, the reason I really LOVE fast food joints is their trash cans. I know what you're thinking, "but why wouldn't you just rummage through the trash cans in the back of an all-you-can-eat buffet instead?". WRONG! The trash cans of fast-food joints are special. People don't just drop any crap in there. There's something special about all those losers bringing their trays there, emptying all their juicy leftovers into them and then stacking the trays in an educated manner without knowing there's a frog inside enjoying being showered with all that fried chicken.MORE It's the perfect home! It's dark enough to take naps, and when I wake up I'm swimming in food, this is what heaven must be like! An angelical light shone above me, then lots of small chunks of fried chicken rained down. They were still hot! THANK YOU, OH GREAT ONE! The light faded out as the lid closed again. Seriously, there's nothing better than this! As I furiously devoured my dinner I thought about where should I spend the night. Mister doggy sir had already kicked me out of his house...Thrice! But what about his nephew?... One of the staff guys was about to empty the trash can when I opened its back compartment with a bang. "That's it! I'm going to spend the night with that little Husky!" I announced to the guy with a big smile on my face. He just stood there with a shocked expression. "Oh, I'm sorry, where are my manners..." I said as I swept some crumbs of fried chicken from my ragged clothes. "Thank you for the food!" I said with as I bowed. I left the joint, some customers covering their noses when they smelt my exuberant body odor, and I winked back at them. Outside the joint was Tappy, my typewriter, tied to a lamppost with a piece of rope. Tappy was originally Mister doggy sir's, who wanted to auction it on the internet but lost interest when my slimy hands spilled my creative juices all over it. So now it's officially mine! "Have you been a good boy while I was having dinner, Tappy?" I said to it, petting its backside. "We're going to have fun tonight! Onward to the little doggy's house!" I untied its knot and marched towards Jim's house, dragging Tappy by its rope across the pavement, stomping it against every lamppost on the way.

***

When you were in high school, you probably heard about that guy. Yes, THAT guy. That loner with no friends, the perfect target to be the butt of all jokes? That used to be me, until I met *him*. It all happened just three days ago, I was going to spend the afternoon at my uncle's house when on my way there a small, dirty homeless frog tagged along after his glasses suffered an unfortunate incident involving the sole of my sneaker. He had a...peculiar personality. But what was really strange about him was that anything he wrote on a typewriter eventually became reality for whoever read it, although not in the way even he expects, my uncle ended up acting like a pet the whole afternoon! The sight of a full-grown Husky acting like a family pet was still implanted in my fragile, innocent 18-year-old mind. Thankfully we were able to return my uncle to his old and grumpy self, and even better, the frog and I became friends and I promised him we would meet again, as long as he took a bath first. But it was Friday night already and I hadn't saw him since then. I was sitting on my desk, staring at a virtual blank page of paper in which I was supposed to write an essay when... *Tap* Uh? *Tap* *Tap* *Tap* That noise seemed to come from my window. I got closer to it but I couldn't see anything in my back garden as it was pitch dark already... *CRAAAAAASH* Something had crashed into the window, shards of glass flying all over the place! "ARGH! I'm being assaulted!" I screamed with terror. But when I took a look at the object that had broken my window I noticed it was a typewriter...Where had I seen that before? There was a piece of rope tied to it, the other end hanging from my window, and climbing the rope was the frog I met three days ago. "You?!", I said incredulously. "Me!", was all he replied. I grabbed the rope and pulled, helping him into my bedroom. "Why...Why didn't you just ring the bell?!" "That would have been rude for my part", he said. "And breaking my window isn't?!" He looked down, ashamed "I was just trying to fulfill our promise..." "You mean...To be friends?...That's very nice, but there was no need to..." "No, not that one. Remember that you said you would present me to your family if I took a bath?" I nodded. "Well...I haven't bathed yet. I didn't want to disappoint you, so decided to come incognito, that way your family won't see me all dirty". I just stood there flabbergasted while he swept the dirt off his clothes and into my carpet. "Anyway why have you come in here so late, did something happen?..." I asked him. The frog looked at me with shock, as if offended by what I said. "Of course something is happening! It's Friday night! Friends hang out every Friday night! It's my duty as your friend to accompany you in your quest to..." He stopped mid-sentence. "...How did you teenagers call it..." He rummaged through his pockets, crumbs of what looked like fried chicken dropping to the floor until he found a small note with something scribbled on it, put on the small glasses I gave to him three days ago and began reading it over and over, trying to memorize what was written on it. "Oh, that's right!" He tucked the note back in his pocket. "Jiminy Cricket, it's my duty as your friend to accompany you on your quest to "pick up some 'hoes"!" I almost collapsed into the floor when I heard him say that. "First off, my name is not Jiminy Cricket, it's Jim Sockett! And do you even know what does "picking up 'hoes" mean?!" I told him annoyed. "Of course! It's something about hooves, isn't it? Or horses? Or horses' hooves?" Sometimes I wondered if he really was that stupid or just liked to act like one. "...Actually, it would be better if we didn't go horse riding, Tappy is scared of being accidentally stepped by them." "Tappy?" That was new. "Who is Tappy?" I asked him. "Tappy the Typewriter. I thought you two already met?" ...Wait, didn't that typewriter look like my uncle's? "You still have that typewriter...And you even gave it a name?!" The frog blushed. "Jim, it has been three days since me and Tappy met. We now know much more about each other. We've taken the next step in our relationship!" "So the first step in your relationship was to rub your slimy fingers all over it, and the second step was to ask it its name?" "Yup! Isn't that how all relationships work?..." the frog asked me with a confused look in his eyes. ...I think I'm starting to get a clear idea of what type of person the frog really is: much creepier than I first expected. "We are in for a serious, long-term relationship, nothing would ever...Oh! Nice keyboard you got there, Jim!" He gave it a malicious grin, drool leaking from the tip of his tongue. "No! Don't touch it!" I grabbed my computer's keyboard and hugged it tightly between my arms. "If you leave your slime all over it I'll never be able to finish my homework!" "Oh, bummer..." He looked so disappointed I almost felt guilty. "You're not any fun." I turned to my computer screen, it was showing an empty text processor. Damn, I hated doing essays! I felt the frog pouting at me like a little child when he thought I wasn't looking. He started kicking around the glass shards in frustrated boredom. I should probably clean them up before my parents notice the mess. "You're not any fun." That hurt me more than I expected. It reminded me of that time... "Why didn't you invite me to your birthday party, Jim? We could've had a fun time!" Damn, this guy sure was annoying, does he think we are friends or something just because we are in the same class? He didn't let me hear what the teacher was saying. "I didn't celebrate my birthday. I don't like parties anyway." "Seriously? What do you do when you want to have a good time with your friends, then? "I don't have friends. I don't want them anyway". "Wow, you're not any fun...Talking to a wall must be more exciting than hanging out with you." I stood up and faced the frog. "Well, I'm sick of being the party popper..." I said, sighing. "...Okay you can do whatever you want. It's just a keyboard, anyway." The frog's eyes lighted up and he started jumping around in joy. Haha, making him happy was so easy. "I can't barely contain myself! I'm so inspired I'm gonna write an entire novel on Jim's keyboard!" And, once again he was smashing keys at full speed, this time on my own computer. I tried my best to not think much about his sweaty and slimy fingers abusing my keyboard. The frog gasped "I'm about to...To..." *Tap* "...Finish my novel!" His "novel" was just six words long like all the others, nothing spectacular, but if that made him happy, good for him. "Want to...*pant*...take a look?" The frog said. "It's...*pant*...about us...*pant*..." Reluctantly, I read the small six words at the top left of the screen.

jim and i, friday night bro's!

The grammar was horrible, but at least this time it was kind of cute. The frog jumped excitedly. "Let's promise to hang out every Friday night, Jim!" "Haha, of course! Promise!" "Well, then what are we waiting for? The night is young! Tappy, be a good boy and stay here while Jim and I go horse riding!" "For the last time, that's not what "picking up some hoe's" means!"

***

"What is this place?", the frog asked. His little nostrils twitched a little bit. "Hey, it smells kinda good!" "It's an Italian pizzeria. My parents used to bring me here when I was little", I replied. "Oh, nice! But you shouldn't have! I've already had dinner tonight!", he said pointing at the crumbs of fried chicken that covered his clothes. "Well, I thought you would want to try some real food for once, eating all the crap you find in trash cans can't be good for you". "But trash can food is very nutritive! How do you think I got this belly? And the smashed fries at the bottom make a comfy bed at night!" "Well, if you aren't hungry, then we should go somewhere else to..." "Hey, Jim! I found the best seat! You can smell the kitchen's trash cans from here!" Before I could finish my sentence he was already seated at one of the tables. I sighed and reluctantly sat at his side. "Oh! Look at all the toppings!" the frog said holding the menu. "I want this one, and that one, and four of those! And as for the second and third pizzas, I'll tell the cook to make them a surprise! Much funnier that way!" "Hey, HEY! My allowance can't afford us that much! We'll just order one medium-sized pizza, three toppings maximum!" "Surely you jest!" he looked at me with sad eyes, but I didn't even flinch. He crossed his arms, annoyed. "Consumerism sucks! Society would be much better off if we all just shared our trash can's food for free!" I facepalmed. "Now you even provide political commentary? Seriously, eating other people's waste can't be sanitary!" "Well, well...Look who we have here..." Oh, no. That voice... I turned to the squirrel behind me. "...Max." I said, expressionless. "Hi there Jim, having fun?" Max said. "Oh! Wow! You know each other's names! That means you already went through stage two of your relationship! I'm so envious of you two!" the frog said excitedly. Max turned to the small and dirty frog sitting at my side. "Who's that, your boyfriend?" He said jokingly. The frog was trying to pick his nostril with one of the toes on his green, webbed foot. "Don't do that!" I said to the frog. I turned to Max. "No, he's just...an acquaintance. You know how we all need to do acts of goodwill to the poor once in a while..." "We're friends! We have promised to hang out every Friday night!" the frog said happily. "Oh, really. I always knew you were very good at choosing your friends, Jim." Max said with an ironic tone. "What's with this guy?", the frog whispered to me. "He's one of my classmates. He got angry at me because I didn't invite him to my non-existent birthday party. He believes that was just an excuse to avoid him." I whispered back to him. "There's been this tension between us since then and..." "Mind if I sit with you two?" Max said. "Sure, go ahead!" the frog said with a smile, ignoring what I had just told him completely. And before I knew it I was squashed between a squirrel and an awful-smelling frog. Why couldn't this place have used individual chairs?! "Shouldn't you be hanging out with your..."gang"? The horse and that rabbit?" I asked Max. "Nah, the rabbit is still dealing with his..."addiction"." "Carrots?", the frog butted in. "Don't be so racist!", I hit him with my elbow. "And the horse can't get out of bed; he has a fever." "That's unfortunate, casually Jim and I were just talking about going horse riding some day--OWW!" I hit him with my elbow harder this time. Eventually the waiter came with two pizzas, one for Max and another for the frog and I. "Oh, it smells wonderful!" the frog said. He put one slimey hand on our pizza and ripped off a slice. He devoured it in seconds. "Dammit, OUR pizza is full of YOUR slime!" I said, annoyed. "Why didn't you wait for me to cut it with the pizza slicer first?" "Thwe whut?" said the frog with his mouth full. "You can grab some from mine if you want, Jim." "Uh?...Thanks, but..." I looked at my pizza full of the frog's bodily fluids, then at Max's. If I ate from Max's pizza, does that mean I'll owe him a favour? Damn, I was starting to sweat. I always get nervous when I have to deal with people, this didn't happen with the frog but Max...If I screw things up he'll tell the entire school and then... "It's just pizza, Jim." Max said. "Yeah, if you don't eat it now it'll get cold" the frog had almost eaten our entire pizza already. No...The awkward thing to do in this situation was to refuse his offer! I should just grab a slice and that's it. "Want to make the honours?" Max said handing me the pizza slicer. I took hold of it with a shaking hand. Damn, my forehead was still sweating. Max would get angry if my sweat dropped into the pizza. I put the pizza a bit far away from me while I cut it, just in case. I meticulously cut the pizza in six perfectly equally-sized slices. "Oh, shit, Jim! That's disgusting!", Max exclaimed. "D-Did I slice it wrong?!" I said scared. "Your fur is all over the pizza!" "Eww, even I can't stand when I find hairs on my trash can food", the frog said devouring his last slice, his saliva all over the plate. "But...But...I..." It was true, the pizza was covered in grey and white fur, unmistakably mine. "This is the first time it happens, I swear!" I said, putting my paws on my head in desperation. As I did so, I noticed my paws were still "leaking" fur. "When was the last time you took a bath, Jim?" said the frog, timely as always. My fur was still falling off me, my clothes being covered in them. "Jim, are you sick or something? That can't be normal..." said Max, worried. "I don't know!" I started agitating in panic, this only made my fur fall off faster, my fur being splattered all around me. The frog attempted to make another one of his quirky comments, but as he did so his mouth got filled with strings of grey fur. He stuck out his tongue and began to swept off the intruding fur with the palm of his hands. I felt sick. I wanted get out of here as soon as possible and maybe even vomit. "I'm not feeling well! Let me go!", I practically pushed Max out of his seat and ran off into the bathrooms leaving a trail of fur along the way. I locked myself in one of the stalls. It was gross watching my fur fall into the toilet, so I closed its lid and sat on top of it, curled into a ball. What was happening to me? The fallen fur on the inside of my clothes felt itchy. I had no idea what was happening, but I made a scene again, didn't I? Max will never forgive me now. I felt small and vulnerable, I wanted to hide inside my clothes and never get out into the external world again.

***

"Wow, Jim sure excels at making dramatic exits, doesn't he?" I told Max. "I should check on him, he looked sick. And the way his fur fell off...Does he have any kind of skin disease?" Max said, worried. We went to the boy's bathroom. Sobbing could be heard coming from one of the stalls. Max knocked on it. "Jim, are you ok?" he asked. "I'm fine, go away" Jim said, his voice sounded different somehow. "That's cool. We'll we waiting for you outside, then!" I said with a smile. But Max wasn't convinced. "Is there something we can do for you?", Max said. "No!", Jim said "Leave me alone!" Everyone went silent for what seemed like an eternity. "Well, actually...I want to talk to the frog...Alone." Max seemed disappointed that Jim didn't trust him as much as me. There was something off about their relationship. If relationships beyond stage two are all like this, I don't think I want Tappy and I's to reach stage three, ever. Max sighed, motioned at me to go to Jim's stall and left. There are advantages to being as small as me. Crawling through the space below the door was no problem! Jim was curled into a ball inside his clothes, fur scattered all over. Gee, I didn't know his body was that flexible. Huskies are full of surprises! "So, what did you want to talk about?" I said smiling. "It's all my fault!..." he said between sobs. "Oh." "If I had known, I wouldn't have..." "Ordered just one pizza?" "...Let you write on my keyboard!" Uh? Does he mean that little novel I wrote for him? But he said he liked it! Jim's upper body appeared from the neck of his shirt. He didn't look like a Husky anymore. He had no hair. And his body was small, green and slimy. "Hey, you look great! Anybody who saw us would think you're my lil' bro!" I said with my biggest smile, but Jim wasn't amused. "I didn't want us to become "bro's" in that sense!" Aww, Jim's new croaky voice sounded so cute even when he was angry like that! "This is much worse than what happened to my uncle! I didn't even know that your "talent" could make physical changes! This is awful!" Jim's grey eyes watered, they were the only part of his body that hadn't changed. I jumped on top of the toilet beside him. His green skin wasn't as intense as mine, it was darker and paler, slightly mimicking his lost fur, and he clearly looked younger and smaller than me. "Aww, aren't you cute, lil' bro!" I said holding him tightly while rubbing his head with the palm of my hand.. "Ouch! Stop it! And don't call me that!" He protested and squirmed, but that just made me want to hug him more. "Seriously, you have to undo this!" "Oh, but the night was just getting started, and you promised we would be Friday night bro's! You'll probably turn back to your Husky self by Saturday morning anyway." Jim stopped sobbing. "...You think so?" He said. "Of course! And in the meantime, do you think this city will be safe with TWO frogs wreaking havoc?" "Haha, I don't think so!" Jim flashed his first smile as a frog. "So let's get the party started!" I jumped down, ready for me and Jim to enjoy our first night out as brothers...literally!

...

"...Umm, there is just one problem..." Jim said. "Uh?" Jim blushed. "My clothes are too big for me now..." "No problemo! I'll just lend you my pants!" I started to pull them down. "No! I don't want to see your...Oh, you are wearing underwear?" He pointed to my whitey tighties, his eyes more open in shock than when he found out he had been transformed into a frog. "Why do you find that fact so surprising?!" I said stumping my legs on the floor. Yeesh, did I look like a dirty hobo to him? I threw my pants at him and he put them on, strategically placing his hands so I couldn't see his crotch. "You know, it feels strange..." He said as he adjusted his pants. "Sorry about that, they must still be filled with fried chicken crumbs" "No it's not that..." He blushed again. "...The cloaca thing, I mean." "Uh? You didn't have one as a Husky?" Jim facepalmed, but then just laughed it off. I didn't know what was so funny, but that didn't matter as I was happy that Jim didn't mind being a frog for the night because of me. I'm sure it was obvious too that my novel meant that he would turn into a frog again next Friday night, and the next, and the one after that, and so on, so I didn't mention that to him. He's a smart one, he has already figured that out...probably.

***

"Where is Jim? And who is that? A friend of yours?" We had come back to our seats. I didn't want Max to find out I had been transformed into a frog, that would be too embarrassing! So me and the frog had agreed to not tell anything about it to him. Hopefully the frog wouldn't give my cover away... "Oh, you mean this guy here?" said the frog signaling to me. "He's a fellow homeless compatriot! I found him curled up into a ball naked in the bathrooms." ...Thanks, frog. Couldn't you made me look more insane? "Really?" Max said, looking at me all grossed out. I had to think of something, quick! "Yeah, I was...drunk...Very drunk! Uhhhhhh, I'm a drunkard! Uhhhhhhh!" I said waving my hands and moaning. Max, and even the frog, didn't look very convinced at my impersonation. "You sound more like a ghost haunting an enchanted mansion to me", said the frog helpful as ever. I cleared my throat. "What I mean is...I WAS drunk, but not anymore! Now I'm sober! Thankfully my good friend here lent me his pants." "Oh, now I understand. I was wondering why he was walking around the restaurant in his briefs!...But seriously, where is Jim? Is he okay?" I stood up, my hands on the table, and said "He felt sick and went home!" very quickly, surprising Max. "That's a shame, I hope he gets well soon..." Max said. "But you gotta admit, Jim leaving the scene so dramatically, it was like a soap opera!" the frog said to my dismay. Max laughed. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time that happens..." "Seriously? Tell me more about it!" said the frog excitedly. Oh no, don't tell him about that time... "We used to be good friends, well, something like that, until the day I presented him to the rest of the "gang"..." "Oh, the horse and the rabbit?" the frog asked. Max nodded. "Well, to "welcome" the new member, the horse brought some beers..." "We were underage at the time! I mean, YOU were underage..." I said nervously under my breath. "And it all ended up in a drunk fight, Jim punched the horse right in his face, then, when he realized what he had done, he ran home, crying all the way" The frog was shocked. "Wow, I didn't know Jim drank alcohol..." Max shook his head. "The horse drank two bottles, but Jim didn't drink a single drop.. The horse mocked Jim for this, implying we were "babysitting the little boy", and apparently Jim has some sort of complex regarding his puppy face...We haven't hung out ever since". "Okay, I think we have talked about Jim behind his back for long enough" I said with repressed anger. The frog looked at me, worried about what Max had just told him. "Well, I don't think I'll be able to eat this pizza" he said pushing aside the fur-covered pizza. "So I think this is goodbye for now" Max stood up. "Oh, I don't think you ever told me your name..." "That wouldn't be polite on my part. Jim says that you should touch the other person all over with your slimy hands before you tell him your name", the frog replied. "...I see...Well, take care of Jim for me" And Max left. "That was such a freaking embarrassment..." I said, my sweaty hands hiding my face. "...I just got an idea for my next novel. It's about how you, Max and the other two guys reconcile with each other!", the frog said trying to cheer me up. "No way! Every time you write one of your "novels" everything goes awry! Look at me! I'm a frog now!" "But without plot twists good literature wouldn't exist!" the frog replied. "Yes, but still..." I was about to protest when I overheard a conversation two guys were having behind us. "Look what I found! Some loser left his wallet in the bathroom!" "Oh, crap, that's my wallet, that guy took it!" I said to the frog. "And why didn't you bring it with you?", the frog replied as he ate Max's fur-covered pizza. "Because now it's almost as big as my whole body! How am I supposed to carry it around?! And you're eating my beautiful fur!" The waiter came along "Okay, the frog in underwear and the shirtless one, who's going to pay these two pizzas?"

I still don't know if the frog will really write a novel to fix my friendship with Max. Do I even really want to reconcile with him? I'm not that sure, I'll probably end up making another scene again...And even if I did want to, what sort of crazy consequences would that novel cause to the very fabric of reality? The frog's "novels" are getting more weird each time he writes one... "Jim, help me out a little! For us small guys, cleaning dirty plates requires teamwork!" Yeesh, doing the dishes sure was hard work when you're this small. I held the plate in the air while the frog cleaned it with his tongue. "Hey, Italian restaurants aren't so bad after all! You eat pizzas, and then you get to eat all the crumbs on the other's customers plates to pay for them!" And that's how the story of my first night out with the frog ends. At least one of us was having fun. "Next Friday, I'll pick the dining joint, I know just the one! You're gonna love it! A little hint: it smells awful, but there's lots of free food in there!"

THE END