FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

"Stop twitching." CJ's voice was amused, with just a touch of annoyance as I shifted on the paper lined table with a loud crinkling sound.

"Sorry." I mumbled, dropping my paws down to either side of my thighs so I could hold the edge of the table.

I was sorry, mostly because we'd been sitting in the exam room for the last forty minutes and the rat's attempts to distract me were rapidly growing more desperate and all of them were failing. What could I say? I wasn't exactly feeling comfortable enough for small chat, I didn't have any interest in the magazines, and his phone had run out of charge twenty minutes ago losing us the ability to watch a movie. He sighed a little and leaned back, balancing the chair on two legs with his tail dropped down to act as a sort of tri-pod. I wanted to tell him he could leave, that I'd be fine, but the words wouldn't come. I needed him, I needed someone with me, and I was willing to put him through the boredom of waiting in the cold sterile office if only to help me feel like I had some support. Though, he'd left the room when the doctor had actually examined me.

"I should have just let him call me." I spoke up, looking down at my paws, my claws had slipped out of their sheaths and poked holes in the plastic. "It would have been easier."

"It's alright, you've waited this long.." He shrugged and smiled, showing his buck teeth. "I can get not wanting to wait longer."

"Yeah..." I made my claws withdraw with some effort and sighed, shifting with another crinkle of the paper.

The doctor was a modest looking cougar with a rich tan coat that almost matched my own, though his eyes gave me some pause the moment I'd seen them. I'd only seen canines with two different colored eyes, never a feline, and the red and green orbs looked so strange when he had regarded me, especially since one was bisected by a bold scar. I felt embarrassed I'd stared at the scar for as long as I had, but it was so vivid that it had drawn my eye and I'd ended up having to stare at my foot paws for the rest of the visit instead of giving into the urge to keep staring at him.

Still, it was soothing in that it was another feline that was treating me and he seemed confident. He certainly seemed to understand my problem, thankfully it was helped that she already had my medical records. I'd never really enjoyed the doctors, as a child this sort of thing always ended in a shot or my mother looking upset, I'd never gone on my own. The exam had been intrusive in a way that had had me blushing so hard I was sure my fur had turned pink, he had spared me little with her questions or her interest, which had made it harder for me to really answer truthfully. CJ hadn't been in here for that, I think I would have lied if he had been here, but Dr. Skan Drake was reassuring enough that I had managed to stammer my answers. He hadn't said anything against my choice, or tried to talk me out of it, that alone was amazing to me. I'd been ready to argue up and down, or fight for my decision, but he had accepted it.

Of course, it was still early, he had been blunt, and that bluntness unnerved me. Most of my body had already been changed through surgery and years of hormone therapy, he wasn't sure if it was even an option yet. That's what had ended us up here. I wanted to know, I needed to know, if I went home I was going to obsess over it until I couldn't get anything done. He'd done an ultrasound, taken a blood sample, there was even talk of doing a scan of some sort. He wanted to consult with another doctor, go over my results, and now I was left with my ears splayed and hoping for the best. I stared down at the white floor, the speckling of colors almost memorized at this point as my tail twitched back and forth wildly.

"Calm down, Shall." CJ shifted in the chair and gave me a lazy smile. "You don't have to get so worked up, you're going to give yourself an aneurysm."

"Sorry, I'm trying." I gave an abashed smile. "We can always go and let them call me, it's taking a lot longer than I thought."

"Nah, it's cool. Besides, I've got no where else to be." He shifted his long naked tail around the edges of the chair. "How'd you do with the work thing? Solare mentioned that they were doing security training."

"Not too bad, I thought it'd be worse, but most of it was training and I was paired up with Sanmer." I flicked my tail, the tip hitting against the paper covered table. "I think I can hold my own now."

"It's a good thing to know, how to protect yourself that is." He tilted his head towards me a bit smugly. "Told ya you'd be okay, Solare wasn't going to be rough on ya. He's good with students, just doesn't get much time to really teach anymore. He taught me when I was a pup, real good about it too, can still get a few punches in on him even today. My father always had security guards from his company, but he wanted my sister and I get sorted when were younger, know how to defend ourselves."

"So... you're rich?" I flinched, it was awkward sounding, but it had been on my mind for so long. Ever since I'd seen him and Solare, but I hadn't really asked.

It was just so weird looking at the punkish rat and imagine him as anything other than how I'd met him. Even now he was wearing a pair of jeans that had torn knees, not because he was trying to make a fashion statement, but just because he'd worn them so much that they'd ended up being torn and scruffy looking. He had doodled in marker on one leg, most likely while he was at work and bored, and his shirt wasn't much better. They were clean, he didn't smell, but all of his stuff was like that. He wore things until they were falling off him and had no hope of redemption. The idea that he once had money was baffling to me, he didn't live like someone that had a disposable income in the least little bit, he lived like someone who had grown up in poverty and just didn't care any more.

"Heh, depends on who you ask." He answered, giving a slightly sheepish smile. "I have my accounts being held with the family, but I don't have much to do with them."

"But..." I paused and flushed, I really didn't want to be rude, but I had no idea how to ask what I wanted. "I mean, what are you doing here? And at the Packhouse?"

"Fair question." He set his magazine down and tilted his head towards me. "I was an arse as a kid, I mean, really a little shit. I had money and my Dad pretty much let me spend it however so that didn't make me the best kid when I was like ten or so. I mean, seriously, I don't know how my mother didn't cannibalize us kids by that age with how we acted, but around thirteen my Dad passed away and things went to hell. I was-"

-KNOCK KNOCK-

I jerked at the sudden rapping against the door, stiffening up in response to the sound and CJ stopped talking as the door rolled open smoothly, letting the doctor come back into the room. My curiosity was still nibbling at the back of my mind about my friend, but the sight of Dr. Drake made my hackles go up and my claws go back to digging into the paper covered table. He smiled reassuringly as he closed the door behind him neatly, his thick tail curled neatly behind his back as he set the thick file on the table and inclined his head towards me. The bold markings on his face were appealing, but his eyes were distracting, the different colors drew my attention and helped give me something to concentrate on beside the sick feeling in my stomach. The chart that he had in his paws was far thicker than it had been when he'd left here, it made me wonder just what all he'd done beside consulting with other doctor's about my case.

"Well, Mr. Leo, I'm sorry you had to wait so long." He murmured and pulled the rolling stool over to sit down on it, his tail coiled itself around the stand. "I wanted to have a closer look at your workup and consult with others, this is a new sort of case and I don't want to leave things to chance."

"I understand." I answered, my voice not quite steady and CJ shifted in his seat, straightening himself up. "You told me that before."

"Yes. Well, first of all, I would like to start this with saying that I want to run a few more tests in the future to prove your viable candidacy for surgery. There could be unseen complications that I need to check first." Dr. Drake gave a slight smile. "But from what I've seen you've taken to the surgery from your infancy very well without any complications from the past that I can see, so we can move forward from that point. Unlike with a traditional person willing to make the change, the hormone shifts will be something that we will have to monitor, but your body is more like a clean slate instead of one producing natural testosterone, meaning hormone therapy will be less shocking to your system since it's already adjusting to testosterone being taken."

"So I'm just going to go on estrogen?" I pricked my ears up a little bit, feeling a little more confident, this was what I'd been reading online.

"Not yet, first I'm going to assign you to someone." The cougar pulled out a card and his pen. "This is a life changing decision, one that I want you to be made fully aware of what this entails, both in society and for yourself personally. I want you to see a therapist, one that will help guide you and give you a little more information."

"A therapist?" I snapped, my ears going back in affront. "I don't need to see a therapist, this is what I want, I've thought long and hard already about what this will mean."

"I don't mean to be harsh.." The doctor tipped his muzzle down, the mis matched eyes were pinning me down. "Most of the male to females that come here ready to make this decision have already transitioned into their new lifestyle partially. They have an understanding of behaving as a female in the real world, many have already begun to dress as a female and are more deeply involved in their change."

"What do you mean?" I felt a stab of indignation, how wasn't I involved? I knew exactly who I wanted to be!

"Ease down, Shall." CJ spoke up with a reassuring tone. "Just listen to him, that's why we came after all."

"What I mean is, most people come to see me after experiencing life from that point of view. I want you to understand what this will mean and what will change." Dr. Drake tapped a finger lightly against his clip board as he seemed to think. "I want you to experience life as your chosen gender, I also want you to talk with someone about what these changes will mean. The first one is easy, it will help establish who you are to others and allow you to see the world as you want to see it, the second one is, of course, harder, but the rewards are worth it."

"You mean change how I look..." I glanced down at myself and flushed. "I don't know how to do that, I've never done anything like that."

"Do you have any female friends?" The cougar leaned forward and I splayed my ears to either side nervously. Female friends?

"Not really, most of the people I know are guys." I admitted softly, the doubt nibbled at the back of my mind. What did I know about how to dress as a girl?

"That's alright." The cougar's voice was a soothing rumble as he slipped a piece of paper from his clipboard. "I've listed some sites that might help you and give you some direction, there will be a lot of new things to learn and come to terms with, but I'm confident that you'll be able to pull through."

"Yeah..." I took the piece of paper dubiously and lifted my ears just a touch. "I guess I just didn't know I'd be doing this so quickly."

"Well, you are only going to go as quickly as you would like to go." Drake offered a slight smile. "When you're ready to make changes, you should make them, but there's no need to force it if you aren't ready. These are the things that you'll need to do to ultimately reach your goal, but there is no need to rush into things. You've come this far, after all, and you're young. You have years ahead of you to make whatever decision you want to make."

"I know." I kept looking at the list. "I guess I didn't know what to expect when I came here and what would be required of me."

Dress like a girl? No, as myself. I don't why it was a shock, it shouldn't have been, but it was still taking me aback as I considered it. I knew how I felt, I knew what I recognized myself as, but I'd never tried on anything other than the clothes that would have been normal for me to wear. I had no idea what sort of things would even be appropriate for me, certainly not what the girls at my high school had worn, those had been revealing and slinky. My cheeks began to heat up as I folded the list and looked up to see the doctor watching with a slight smile on his face, not pitying, but understanding as I shoved the list in my pocket.

"I want you to make an appointment with the therapist that I gave you, it'll help you get things in order and start to comprehend the psychological implications of making this change." The doctor stood up and his mismatched eyes regarded me seriously. "I want you to make an appointment with the nurse for the end of the month, after you've had at least one session with the therapist, and we will be able to discuss things in more detail."

"Okay." This wasn't what I'd expected, I didn't know if I had expected an easy answer and immediate start or I just expected more hard answers, but I felt almost disappointed in some ways.

No, in more than some ways, this was my big first step and to be told to wait was a blow. I wanted answers, I wanted a real plan, I wanted to know more, but it seemed like this was going to happen far more slowly than I had ever planned. CJ was giving me a look that made me force my ears up and a smile on my face instead of giving away my internal feelings, it wasn't like I didn't have time. I was young, I had years upon years ahead of me. I could do this, I knew I could, this didn't have to be disappointing. This was another step, one of many perhaps, but I could do this and bring it together. I knew what I wanted, that wasn't going to change, was it so strange for the doctor to want me to do my best to get used to the body that I wanted before I was given it? No, it wasn't. I lifted my head up a bit more and drew in a steadying breath. This wasn't what I expected, but it was a place to start.

"Don't look so down," Dr. Drake gave a slow smile. "I know that this might not be the answer you were looking for, but everything has its own time and you're just at the start. Time and patience, the two things that the young never enjoy hearing, are all too often the recipe for making something happen.."

"I know, thank you." I managed a smile as I slipped off the table and my paws touched the cold tile. "I'll check out the sites in the meantime."

"You'll find more information than you ever imagined there." The cougar leaned over and pushed the door open for me, the smile never faded from his place. "You can call any time if you have questions or concerns."

I managed a little nod before stepping into the hall and taking a breath. I felt CJ's paw lightly touching the small of my back as I blinked my eyes rapidly. This was just one step, a big one, even if it wasn't the simple solution I wanted, but my life had never been simple. And the things worth having were the ones that I had to struggle to achieve. I was going to be alright, I could do this.

~ ~ * ~ ~

Standing in front of the mirror I wanted to look away, I wanted to force my eyes back to the side or move them up to my face, but I forced myself to look at my nude form. It was all wrong, but that didn't matter today, because I knew it wouldn't be wrong forever. I made myself look at my build, my eyes flicked down lower and briefly slid over the exposed sheath and the orbs tucked between my legs and then they jerked back up again. This wasn't about what my body looked like at the moment this was about something else entirely. I moved my paws up and covered my chest with one forearm, my eyes were fixed higher to a point just at my shoulders so that I could easily imagine a lioness standing here. Well, if it weren't for the fact that my shaved mane was darker and left a stripe running down the line of my head.

_Just do it. _ I thought to myself as I drew in a breath and dropped my arm away from my chest before looking at the bag that was sitting on the end table.

My ears blushed a hot red at the memory of going into the store to make my purchase. It hadn't been the little shop in the mall that boasted sexy outfits for females, I hadn't been that brave, I had gone to a local super store and wandered into the clothing aisle, and from there to the lingerie. I had kept my ears down and my shoulders hunched as I was halfway sure someone was going to yell my name or tell me to get out because I looked suspicious. No one had, but I hadn't lingered, I'd hastily found a size that I thought might work and threw in whatever looked alright to my confused eyes. I'd been red faced and panicked as I went to the front with the half dozen panties and two bras that I'd gone for, but it hadn't been that bad. I'd gone through the self check out and escaped before anyone really got a good look at me.

Now, looking over the selection I felt confused and regretted I hadn't taken more time to really look at what I was buying. Two of them were far too small, one was a garish color that I wouldn't want to wear even under my clothes and another one looked like something a stripper would wear. I was left with two pairs of panties that looked alright to my eyes, so I picked out the soft silk one and lifted them up dubiously. They were a dark blue silk on the inside, smooth enough that it was a sensual delight to run my fingers over it, the outside was a pattern of paler white lace that hat drawn me to them in the first place. It was delicate and dainty, intricate enough that I spent some time tracing over it with a fingertip and examining the way that it became more interesting towards the edges. I was stalling and I knew it. I didn't know why I was nervous, but I was, I didn't know how it would feel or how I'd look, but I had to try.

Getting them on proved to be harder than I had thought. I normally wore boxers which were loose and easy to pull up, the panties were tighter and the moment they hit my hips I found that they were not designed with my current body shape in mind. I had to push my hand down the front, my ears burning, as I tried to tuck my balls backwards against the silk that pulled up and drew them tight against my body, my sheath creating a bulge right in front. It was easier to draw them over the curve of my ass, though the bulge of my sheath and balls meant that it was a bit tighter than I liked, and getting the strap over my tail made them strain just enough that I had the paranoid thought that the strap was about to rip and snap open again. It held, barely, but it managed to hold as I straightened up and tugged at the edges of the panties uncomfortably.

It felt both strangely comfortable and far too tight all at once. I didn't stop there, though I couldn't help but feel the soft silk caressing parts of my body that had only enjoyed the feel of decently soft cotton in the past. I reached over and picked up the plain blue bra I had bought as well, it didn't match the panties exactly, but it was the same color blue with the smallest cup size that they made. I ran my fingers over it lightly and furrowed my brow as I looked the clasp at the back. I knew in theory how it went on, but in practice it proved to be something that I was embarrassingly glad no one could see. I slipped it on over my shoulders and the moment I did the struggle was on and I was trying to writhe and twist around to reach behind me.

The clasps bumped against my shoulders as I strained and wriggled, turning about and reaching blindly until I caught either end. Not that that did me any good, the moment I had the clasps I was struggling to pull them together so they would be properly hooked. I stuck my tongue out, curling the tip a little bit as I did it all by feel. In the end, I bent my back and strained, hooking two of the little hooks on their proper place by luck rather than skill, but that was enough to actually get the bra in place. By that point I was panting and annoyed, my ears held tight to my head before stretching my arms about and reaching up to tug at the strange covering that placed the empty cups over my nipples so they were hidden from sight. It took me a few minutes to try and get comfortable, tugging at the material that hugged close to my body.

The material was soft feeling against my fur, silken and brushing along my body in a way that I'd never felt before. It was sensuous and tight, caressing along areas that made me wriggle a little bit. The bra was too loose, but I'd known that, even at the smallest size my chest wasn't designed for one, yet. I ran my fingers along the outer edges of the loose material, feeling it brush along my nipples so a little shiver ran down my spine. Everything clung to me while I tried to find a more comfortable position for everything, especially the panties that were riding up along the line of my ass cheeks. Eventually I got everything settled, or at least as settled as I could without having a whole new size. It wasn't precisely comfortable, certain parts of me were too compacted to feel at ease, but it still felt sensually soft and silken against my fur and skin both as I turned about.

I finally lifted my eyes shyly towards the mirror as I came full circle and got a good look at the lion staring back at me. The two bits of clothing weren't really coverings, they barely hid anything at all, but they hid parts of me that stood out as wrong when I looked at them. When I looked in the mirror my eyes didn't wander away the way they normally did, they lingered at the lean bodied lion that regarded me with her lips partially open. My body had always been lean, slightly feminine looking, but now those attributes seemed accentuated by the lace and silk that clung to my fur. My chest didn't look quite right, of course, but the transformation was enough that my ears lifted up and I leaned forward a bit closer to get a better look at myself.

A few lines of silk and lace created a hint of curves to my hips that I knew I didn't really have, the mound of the bra made it easy to imagine the cups full with something softer than my flat chest. I moved my hands down and brushed them along my belly, smiling just a little when I brushed against the lacy edges of the panties. They felt good, the material clung to me, but it was so incredibly smooth that the feel of it brushing over more intimate areas of my body was a decadent treat. I shifted a little bit so that I could look at myself from the side, only to complete the turn with a bit more confidence at the sight of my curved rump. The silk and lace covered my cheeks and outlined them so that they distinctly looked more feminine than they had been before. It felt good, it felt right, it made my tensed muscles relax while I gave another slow turn and felt every slide of the fabric over my soft fur.

I would have continued to stare at myself in the mirror, except as I began to turn around again my phone began to ring. It made me jump and pull my ears back in embarrassment, almost lunging for something to cover myself before I realized it was just the phone and lunged for it. I ended up strained over the couch to reach it, barely glancing at the number before punching answer.

"Oh good, you're alright, and here I thought something apocalyptic must have happened for you to miss out on lunch." Sanmer's cheerful voice greeted me as soon as I managed to get out a hello.

"Fuck." I flinched a little and dropped back onto the couch. "I forgot, I'm sorry. I had to go shopping and I had a lot on my mind-"

"You should be sorry, I had a perfectly lovely lunch and had promised you'd be there." The fox sighed through the phone melodramatically. "And I kept assuring him that you were likely sick or in a car accident or kidnapped by rogues outside of the wall... Well, perhaps he wasn't that reassured."

"What? Who?" I leaned back and flinched a bit as sliding on my ass on the couch nearly pulled the silk up taut between my ass cheeks. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh you know, the big handsome fellow you were chatting up." Sanmer's tone took on a playful tone. "He was at the club when Lani and I went, right up on the second balcony so I decided it was my duty... no my pleasure... to go and say hello to him with Lani for you."

I sat bolt upright on the couch, my stomach turning in knots. Hiasaki, I'd been doing my best not to think about him. "You didn't!" My answer came with Sanmer's laughter. "Seriously?!"

"Of course I did!" Sanmer was almost radiating contentment. "He was pretty sad that you weren't with us, said he was hoping to bump into you again. So, as an interested party, I thought it was only fitting that I invite him to lunch with us so you could catch up."

I stared at my paws, I didn't know what to say, I'd been trying to avoid him. We'd had one conversation and that had been enough, I could recognize that my life was fucked up enough that I couldn't even contemplate anything else. I hadn't even talked to most of the people I knew about my choices, I had no right to involve someone else. Why had Sanmer talked to him? What had the fox said? I knew that my co-worker had a puckish sense of humor and would have loved cornering the tall stranger to try and see what we'd talked about.

"You're not really upset, are you?" Sanmer asked, his voice losing some of his humor and turning more serious. "Was he bothering you? I thought you two got on alright. If he was bothering you..." The tone went sharp, almost threatening.

"No! No, nothing like that." I hastily protested. "I just don't know what to say to him is all, and I don't know if there's any real interest there."

"Oh I think there is." Sanmer went back to teasing and relaxed. "He was really disappointed you didn't show up, you know. I told him that we could make plans again."

"Sanmer..." I sighed a little and rubbed the bridge of my muzzle. "I don't know if that's a good idea, like I said, I don't know if I'm ready for anything like that."

"Well, you're not going to figure it out until you give it a try." Sanmer wheedled mercilessly and made me sigh through my nose. "Anyway, you owe me a lunch since you stood me up for whatever it was you were doing."

"Yeah, sorry about that. It just slipped my mind. You should have called." I sat up on the couch and drew my knees closer to my chest.

"Nah, I figured if you missed out something must have come up. How'd your doctor's appointment go? You sick?"

"No, not sick." I twitched one of my ears a few times thoughtfully. "Listen, we can talk about this later, I was just in the middle of something."

I should tell him, it can be a first step. He's going to find out eventually after all.. I thought to myself, trying to calm the nervous flutter in my belly.

"Yeah, we can talk Tuesday." Sanmer agreed readily. "I think you're stuck in maintenance on Monday, but you're in the lab Tuesday helping me anyway."

"Okay, yeah that sounds like a good idea." I kept my voice normal. "See you Tuesday, then."

We said our goodbyes, and I set the phone to the side. Hiasaki had been looking for me at the club, looking for me with enough dedication that he'd gone to lunch with strangers just to see me. It made me feel a thrill that wasn't all together unpleasant as I wiggled in place. I knew it shouldn't go any further and I should avoid him, but I'd never have a guy actually search me out. I slipped my legs off the couch and gave a stretch, setting the phone to one side. As I did so, I looked down the line of my body and the comfortable feeling silk hugging against me. I wondered what the other set of panties would look like on me, if they would have more give. Perhaps I could try one of the other stores next if I could get over my embarrassment of going through the merchandise.