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Chapter 1

A colorful explosion rings in my ears.

Actually, a lot of colorful explosions ring in my ears. At least they don't hurt my eyes.

Happy July 4th. Ugh.

We're sitting next to each other at some party he decided to drag me to. He'd phrased it just right to sucker me in, too. Said all this garbage about socializing and how it'd be fun even if I didn't drink because I could watch everyone who did. He talked all about the tiki bar and the fireworks we'd see.

I guess I came mostly to see him again, even though it's stupid. It's not like we've had privacy at a party, except for right now. Everyone else is gathered around the launchers of those stupid fireworks, right where I'd be in risk of brain damage if I stood.

I'm not the kind of person to enjoy parties, but I definitely only made this one worse for myself about six seconds ago.

He turns and looks at me with something more than simple affection, but something less than I confessed to just eight seconds ago. My eyes flit everywhere that is anywhere else, and there I sit, uncomfortable in my own fur. I don't think this stuff is normally so itchy on the back of my own head...

I'm probably blushing. No. Definitely blushing.

He probably can't believe I said that. I can't believe I said that. Who says that?

Me, apparently. I'm pretty awful at this, I gotta say. I manage to withhold the sigh for now, if only to keep from skewing the message I already shouldn't have tried to send.

He reaches up and combs over my ears with a paw the same way I always love.

No wait no. Like. How I always like. In any case, I still end up nuzzling up into that paw like I'm some little dog desperate for attention.

His muzzle opens a few times, probably most revealing of his unreadiness at my words. Nothing makes a sound between us. Instead, the fireworks above us explode and pop and make my ears swivel around, my right ear bumping into his paw over and over again. It makes him smile.

I pan out my listening a ways, catching snippets of gossip from the girls over there, snippets of stories beginning with "I bullshit you not" from that side, and even a little bit of talk over plans for the rest of summer. I don't really know anyone here very well.

Well, I know one pretty well.

Anxiety gnaws at my insides in a style far more fearsome than before I'd said the words. I was nervous to even say those in the first place and now I'm somewhere impossibly worse. I wish I could take back those words, but then I don't as well. I wanted him to know.

Still do.

_ Those three words._

_ I said too much, but not enough._

He can see it, and I see his understanding as it reflects in his eyes, the ones I can't help but dart my gaze back into every now and again. The blue in them never changes, never wavers, their intensity keeping me mute. My right ear hits his paw again.

"Would you like to go someplace else?"

My eyes light up with possibilities of what he could mean; even though as his paw arrives at mine and tugs me along, his own eyes flit towards someplace behind me. Pretty early on I dismiss that he'd want something private as much as quieter for my ears. He's cute like that.

Damn it, no. Not allowed to think like that. Not without guilt, anyways.

But he still surprises me when he takes me behind the tiki bar and hides us under it. The actual use of the bar diminished as soon as the sun had set three hours ago, basically. All that's left now is some sort of cheap beer in some of the coolers closer to the house.

I wouldn't know personally. I just heard someone say so. They emphasized the cheap part.

When we get there, he doesn't look into my eyes right away. In fact, now he's blushing in his ears a little bit too. He's a little more hunched under the bar than I am, sitting with one knee up and the other flat before him. One paw rests on each knee. "You surprised me; that's all. Just...surprise." I hang on every word of his bass voice, almost straining my ears in the hopes that one of his statements will continue in the way I want.

I shake my head slowly. Still unsure of whether or not I actually regret my presentation. "I know."

He still hadn't looked right at me, almost as though he'd been the one to say something embarrassing. Eventually he makes eye contact with me, and neither of us shy away from it this time.

"I'm sorry," he finally says. Definitely not what I was hoping he'd say. I try to keep the disappointment from showing up on my face. Or my ears. Or my tail. He doesn't need to see just how much I meant those three words; it'd only cause more emotions.

"Don't be." I swallow. "I should be." Should be. Yet, even knowing that he's already with someone, or was until recently, I don't feel that bad about what I did. I could've waited, but what if she came back in that time?

He shakes his head sadly. And in spite of it all, I know I said it too soon. Everyone did nothing but warn me, always talking about how people get scared by commitment when they hear those words. Yet, it's unfair to feel this way and not get around to admitting it, because while it's early, it's true. I get this feeling it could only become more true.

Maybe it's the year of going it alone speaking. I'm confident I'd be able to tell if it was. It'd sound more flirty and shamelessly sexual, I bet. Certainly not as real as this instead feels.

"You know, I wasn't sure I was ready to say that, but you..." He pauses for a moment, ears flicking every which way in the meantime. "You were, I guess." I'm not sure that's a good thing. As time ticks by and fireworks continue to crack above us, I become less and less assured.

My stomach flips inside out, almost making me wince or double over, but I manage to stay sitting up normally, probably making a mess of a poker face in the meantime. "Yeah? Y-you could've been?"

He looks me in the eye for a while, a soft if hesitant smile lighting his features. "Well, we were slow-dancing right before those fireworks, you might remember. It's not a..." he bites his lip, "I guess it is a big deal, though." His hesitation makes us both feel uncomfortable. His reasoning for not saying it back is probably a huge mixture of her and and all the inner conflict she brings along.

We're quiet for a while still, sitting away from under the bar just enough to see the fireworks right above our heads, but privately enough that no one would know to see us here.

His tail taps the floor in time to some beat. So calm and composed. It's much better than mine. Mine is all over the place in a whirlwind of worry and anxiety. But then again, Keith has always been a lot more calm, and he has more to sit and stew on than I do.

I look up from his tail back to his eyes, where his were waiting to see mine again. I blush again, provided I ever stopped before. This time, I'm the first to speak, "So you're not quite that into me?" Damn. Can I please not botch saying something to the man?!

He looks conflicted, biting his lip again. Those three words. He waves me a little closer, and I re-situate myself closer to him. I thought it was because he didn't want to time his talking between the explosions above us, but even after I moved, he was silent still.

Instead, sitting closely, he reaches over and cups my right ear again, and I can't lie about the reaction I give every single time for that. In a way that makes me both more ashamed and even happier in spite of that, I lean into his paw like an again, murmuring softly enough to maybe be covered up by the ambiance of the party. God save me if he does hear.

I don't know how long we were there, him getting what he'd probably describe as cute but that I'd describe as pathetic reactions out of me. By the end of it, I may or may not have donated my head to his lap.

"I don't know if I can call it 'love' yet, Nate. But I can't say it won't make it there." Even in my slightly more compromised position, I nod in acknowledgement. "Does that bug you?"

_ It makes me love you more_; I could say that.

_ It does, but it doesn't_; I could say that.

_ I respect that_; I could say that.

But who needs good answers? "No, it's fine. Did I--"

A shiver runs down my spine as he progresses closer to massaging my vulnerable ears more than just playing with them. "No, you didn't ruin this. I've really enjoyed spending time with you. It's just..." both his words and his paws pause, "...hard. Hard to say 'love' after what I went through with her."

Don't get me wrong; I don't chase straight guys.

I don't even wreck relationships.

He met me two weeks ago, but his thing with her ended just two days ago. I don't know what I was thinking in jumping on him today. I guess I thought he just needed to hear it from someone. Like me, for example.

He's been quiet ever since. Even during this party. Normally he'd do something to me, like pick me up or trip me or poke me or do something else to get a rise out of me. Then he'd always sigh and remark on how she'd react in the same scenario. What she'd do. What she'd say.

He stopped that tonight though, and I thought it was because--

Well, I guess we've covered that already. I sigh, unsure of what more to say. I didn't expect him to say it back. I'll be honest about that. He was the first guy to ever approach me, and after we talked for so long in that café...

Can you blame me for thinking he didn't already have someone? Maybe you could. You don't know the story of it all.

He clears his throat. "Would you like to go someplace else?"

I'm a fennec, so there's no way I couldn't hear him when my head is in his lap. I guess I couldn't process that question a second time very easily; it's as though in the time since we ducked under this bar, my memory of how I answered that question previously faded from me. I don't recall saying anything; I think he dragged me under here.

I can't remember. His paw slows to a hesitant crawl. I open my eyes and look up to his. "What do you mean?"

He smiles at me. If nothing else has been established between us, it's been openness of communication. I mean, he always wanted to talk to me about his dying relationship. That was mostly me listening. "I mean that I have higher standards for places to kiss cute foxes than under tiki bars." His grin becomes much more sincere as I turn bright red, and when my ears smack into his paws again, he chuckles softly. "So...?"

I don't think he'd be able to hear me for how faintly I know I'd answer, so I simply nod. I don't know where he'll take me this time, but I find I care just about as much as last time. He has me scoot up a little, and I gasp when he simply picks me up, not an ounce of effort seeming necessary for him to do that.

He puts me down almost immediately afterwards, apparently just wanting to get me on my feet. Again my chest seizes a little as I can feel the magic slowly waning for the night.

Holding my paw, we clear through anyone else as far back as us (which wasn't many people; they were all out watching the fireworks still), and we walk back inside. There, he pauses, hesitant. I turn from looking ahead to looking at him, and there I meet his eyes again. My ears splay. "I think we should just head home. You okay with that?"

I nod, not as bashful now that many of the high-romance scenarios in my head are being dismissed one by one. Something in his eyes tells me he wants to kiss me right there, but that he's hesitating again. In any case, I own up to my answer and merely hold his paw on the way out to his car.

Something about getting taken to his car makes me blush again, and I pray he doesn't notice. This whole thing has been a nerve episode that just won't stop, and I'm certain I can't be overreacting. He lets go of my paw so I can get in the passenger seat. He doesn't open the door for me, which both saddens and relieves me. The feelings vie for supremacy long enough to instead just leave me feeling nauseous.

I don't remember most of the car ride. It wasn't memorable. Anything I wanted to say I couldn't, especially the things that were too much. I think he was quiet because he couldn't stop thinking about what I'd said.

I didn't ruin it; that's what he assured me. I just have to...let him sit on it, I guess. I hope that doesn't take long.

We get out of his car when we pull up to my house, and I realize that staring at my paws the whole ride didn't beat the icy cold of nervousness at all. It's not a long stroll from the driveway to the front door, and I almost don't want to turn around when I get to it.

I do though. He takes my paws in his, basically making them disappear in his larger mitts, and holds them like that. For a while, as I stared at the ground, I thought he was just waiting for me to look up. Turns out he's just been as anxious as I've been. "So...look. I always thought it'd be a bad thing to be the slow one in a relationship, and I feel especially bad about it here with you. With her... I guess I should've listened to my head." Then he shakes his head angrily at himself. "I'm sorry. I need to stop bringing her up."

I can still hear the fireworks from down the street, and by down the street, I mean from the two blocks away that we drove to get back here. I don't know if he can, but I'm sure he sees my ears twitching and flinching from the distant pops.

_ I want to lean in closer._

_ I want to kiss him._

_ I want to tell him that she doesn't matter anymore, that I'm here, and that he needs to move on._

"It's fine. I know it's hard since you were with her for so long." I should've skirted talking about her more. I should've brought it back to me. Asked him inside. Kissed him and sent him home. Or maybe not sent him home.

My stomach plummets. I gulp.

He sighs and looks down at our paws. "Three years. I...love her." The rest of my organs join my stomach in a freefall to China. His eyes meet mine, and I wish they hadn't. Mine are full of tears and his are too. I can't even see him very well now, especially with my sub-par night vision. Light fragments and blurs behind his head like a halo, even if nothing about this situation makes me want him to have one.

_ I said too much, but not enough_. And now... "But now you'll move on, right?" I feel like a cub. Someone who can't understand why adults grow apart, or why even after they separate, something stays. Love. You don't just move on from that, and if you do, then you're not exactly the right kind of person to be making commitments anyways.

He sniffles, letting go of my paws and wiping his eyes. Oh no. "I'm sorry." No. "I...I enjoyed tonight." No. "I think I need to call her." No! I can't let her ruin this!

_ Do something! Tackle him! Kiss him! Grab his paw! Anything! Stop being so damn easy to walk all over!_ "Okay... Let me know how that goes, I guess." You're awful at this. That was the wrong answer. Say goodbye now, because you're never getting him back again.

He nods and sighs again, starting to turn away. "Thanks for tonight, Nate. I'll...I'll call you later." And with that, he leaves.

My cheeks feel warm for a new reason, and any clearing in my soaked vision only lasts a moment before returning. I hope I can make it to my bed.

I might not be moving from there for a little while.