Reflection
#1 of The Insistences of Gabriel
Reflection
Note/Disclaimer: This is really a first step on a lot of levels for me. The first is that I'm a furry to begin with that in it self took a lot of contemplation and inner conflict. I am grateful for the support from the people I've been able to open up to about this, and the help I've received working on my fursona, Gabriel. I've been unable to draw him due to a lack of skill in that particular medium, so instead, I shall write about him, with the help of a wonderful reference picture, which I will set as my avatar as soon as it is finished. Without this, bear with my mere definitions.
This isn't the greatest I've ever done, but whatever people think, this was really therapeutic, because even after such a big realization, there's still that sense of reluctance in everything. Gabriel, like myself, isn't without his conflict as this comes around. So, consider this Gabriel and I dipping our toes into the water, and getting an understanding on all of this. Enjoy!
P.S. The lyrics used in this are from the song Storms' by Person L.
A new year, a new me, a new start.
I scoff. What a perfect excuse. New.'
Everything felt new to me now, but nothing felt certain. Nothing felt as it should have felt.
An all-too-certain look colors my face scared as I wince and look away. But like a moth to the fucking flame, I bring myself back. Nothing's changed. I frown again, and my eyes dart away. The mirror could never lie to me, but I sure wish it would.
Allow me to stop making myself miserable long enough to introduce myself. I'm Gabriel. I'm a wolf of the gray kind. And if you didn't catch on, I'm being angsty and insecure and seventeen at the moment. A nice little concoction of peer pressure, lack of social status, and my own dissatisfaction with my so-called progress' as a fur that left such a bitter taste in my mouth and brought me to this state of apathy.
So, yeah. I'm a little biased about this whole affair. Could you blame me?
Sorry. You don't need to hear about it like this.
Jesus, I hope I didn't scare anybody off.
Pull yourself together, guy.
[A sigh.]
[A pause.]
Let me try this again.
I blinked.
And I looked.
I looked into the mirror. I looked and I looked and I looked and I didn't look away because it was what I had to do. And like my nitpicky little self, I began to notice. Two eyes one blue, one hazel stared back with a furrowed brow. Black hair, messy as ever, begging for a brush to tear through its knots and correct the neglect to it. One muzzle, one nose, two ears, drooped in dismay...everything of importance was accounted for.
But this is where the finicky comes in.
The eyes the light cast a side to them unseen before. They pierced the thick layer of glass, causing my muzzle to curl into a smirk. Like photography, though, it disappeared, and became a memory. It was the kind of memory one gets the weird feeling about the one that felt like it didn't happen. It was surreal, seeing a glint of a smile on my muzzle.
I want to go further. So I ready myself the only way I know how. I listen to music. It's one of my passions, but this is highly irrelevant. My player plugged in, I reach over and hit play, not caring what comes on. Nothing.
Damn. It's dead. I slowly let go to the small machine, looking back at the mirror and heaving a shaky sigh. Well, what was I to do? Music wasn't there to help me...
But isn't that the point, Gabriel?
I suppose. If I'm going to make one step outside this bubble of mine, why not make it a leap?
I close my eyes, deducting the situation. If there is no music, then I shall make it.
I look down, my small paws reaching for my shirt. Buck up, Gabe. This is going down whether you like it or not.
So I sing.
"I was getting lost." I start, a small whimper that made barely any sound as I pulled my shirt up. "I was getting real lost." My arms lingered in a craned position, about to pull my shirt up. I froze.
"...through the storms with rain on my face." The lyric boosts my arms up and my shirt off, revealing my abdomen. My eyes race up and down my now-bare abdomen as I continue to sing thoughtfully.
"I was getting loved ..." The tips and claws of my paw press down gently on my stomach flat from my perspective. My chest rises and falls like a calm tide to my now rested physique. "I was getting' good love..." With this in mind, my arms slip around my slim waist, giving myself a much-needed hug. The pads are cold to the touch, but I'm happy for it anyway.
"With the nerve to throw it away..." My grip loosens, and my arms fall to their sides. I don't look too bad, after all is said and done. The kids at school give me a lot more shit than they should. I stretch out, groaning in satisfaction, eyeing my belt buckle with hesitation. I look alright, but what about the rest of me? Considerably less hesitant than before, mind you, but I did think twice.
You know what they say you either go all the way, or don't go at all.
I close my eyes, turning my head away as I slowly continue. "It was rainin' hard..." My hands fumbled with the belt, my lack of vision impairing me slightly. "It was rainin' real hard..." I pull the belt off, loosening the pair of jeans I wore slightly. This feels so wrong, but it's something I need to do for myself. "Through the night, and the following days..." The pants hit the floor. I step out of them.
Open your eyes, damnit.
OPEN THEM.
My eyes snap open, and I bring my head to see what remains a final garment. My boxers clung to my waist and crotch, a slight bulge prominent. No stopping you now.
One, two, three
"I was getting high..." I yank them over shortly thereafter, like ripping off an old band-aid. And there I was. It was laid-out to see, my body. This was the hard part. I wince as I glanced down at my genitalia, the shaft and balls getting their first in-depth glance. I spent little time with them as I gripped my balls lightly. "I was getting' real high..." I gasp, the sensitive touch having more of an impact than my furious fondling when I jerk off. But I don't seek sexual desire, not now.
"By myself, but I still felt this pain..." I mumble as I turn to the side, examining other features. My ass is nothing special one might mistake it for an extension of my back. I wince, and this time it remains. Bringing myself back forward, I examine my lower body. The hips are a bit wider than I had expected, and my legs began to pack all the junk food I was eating.
"And it could take awhile..." I continue, taking to time to make one last check before I drop down to an upright fetal position to cover up and think about what I had just done. "Yeah, this could take a long, long while..." I bury my head in my knees, sighing again and attempting to keep composure. "To take time, to take it away..."
And then I smile. Which was crazy, because I had no reason to smile. I just poked holes in the one part that I could cherish at that moment. You couldn't even be the slightest fucking lenient. You find one little prick in the skin, and you turn it into a crater. Way to go.
I absentmindedly look up in the mirror, and there's that reflection again, that gleam in my eye, and it hits me. Like a pile of bricks, it did. I looked kind of...good. Happy. Sure, I may not be the easiest on myself, but damnit if you can't change something you don't like about yourself.
"There I am." I say it out loud. [Now it's letting up...] I stand out and repeat myself. "There I am. That's what I have. That's all I have." My paw stretches and touches the glass.
_I look. "Hang in there for me, alright?"
I nod for consolation.
And I look at me. And I look and I look and I look.
And I smile.
Not big. But big enough.
[May blue skies always brighten your days.]_