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She Wolf Memoirs: The Dream

Hello everyone,

There were no emails this week, so I decided to tell you a story from my past. This is something I share with the young people at the GLBT center and the homeless shelter. It's one of those life-defining moments that made me the woman I am today. Before I knew I was gay, before I knew I was transgender, before I became Anna, I was Daxter.

I was a teenager in the 1990s. I was raised in a small conservative city where everyone knew everybody else. I was a late bloomer, being the smallest male in my class. Around the age of fourteen, I began to have unexplainable feelings. I felt out of place around my male friends, and for some of them I even felt a strange sense of...attachment to them. There were girls I thought were attractive, even a handful that I hung out with. However, I didn't sense the same set of emotions for them that I did for my guy friends. Nevertheless, I still lived my day-to-day life like any normal teen male in the city.

In that same year, the church camp incident happened, and I began to have an identity crisis. In the weeks that followed, my mind was full of questions. "Who am I? Am I doing things the way I'm supposed to? Do I really need to change?" All these things and many many more, constantly buzzed around my head; until one night, like any other, when I fell asleep in my bed.

I found myself on a floating island in the middle of the sky. The clouds above the island were violently storming with thunder booming every few minutes. The island itself was barren, save for a few dead, lightning stricken trees and leafless shrubs. I walked around the landscape in search of some form of life. Finding a trail, I walked the path that was lined by the empty forest.

After what seemed like a mile, I found my childhood best friend, Donovan; he was a rooster with brown feathers covering his whole body and green tail feathers that stuck out on his back. His broad shoulders and huge pectorals were in great contrast to my more slender physique. I remember he was wearing a black muscle shirt and dark blue gym shorts.

Happy to see a familiar face, I ran up to him. "Hey, man, do you know where we are?" I asked just as he turned to face me.

"Get the fuck away from me, faggot!" he yelled at me furiously; his red comb trembled as he spoke.

Caught off guard by this completely unexpected response, I questioned him. "Whoa, whoa. Don, what's the matter? What do you mean 'faggot'?"

He responded, "Have ya had too many dicks in your ear to hear me? I said to get the mother fuck away from me!" He raised his fist up to threaten me and continued, "I'll knock the pure shit out of you if you stay here!" Lightening arched across the sky, silhouetting his frame; thunder crashed emphasizing his rage.

His angry words flew from his mouth like arrows and struck me right through the heart. Frightened and hurt, I ran past him, continuing on the only path I had. The dead, bending, breaking vegetation had now grown more dense and blocked every other direction. As I ran, I thought about what had just happened. Donovan was always a nice guy ever since he was a chick. I had a hard time believing that fur I had just run into was my cubhood playmate and best friend.

Another figure caught my eye as I ran while contemplating what had just happened. It was Samantha, a white cat I had known since middle school. She turned to face me, and the fluffy, pink over coat she always wore gently fluttered from the movement. She flashed her characteristic smile and closed her electric blue eyes.

"Sam, something's not right with this place," I yelled as I approached her, panting. "I just ran into Don, and he said..."

"Don't worry, Daxter, dear." she interrupted me as she hugged my arm and ground her hips against my groin while pulling me tight to her.... "You just haven't met the right girl yet."

"What are you talking about?" I frantically tried to pull away from her, but her grip was too strong. "Sam, what are you doing? I...I don't like you that way."

She ignored me and began to lick my face. "Now, now, be a good boy and follow me on the path of righteousness," she almost demanded as her breasts embraced my skinny bicep.

"That's it," I managed to jerk my arm away from her vice grip. "Everyone's acting weird. First, Donovan acts like a brutish asshole; now, you're trying seduce me? This is just too much."

I immediately dashed along the path, without another word. I could hear her voice shouting after me.

"Enjoy your eternal vacation in hell, shit stabber!"

Lightning struck again. This time, it was loud enough to make me flinch, causing me to trip over my feet and fall face first onto the ground. As I lay in the dirt and mud, I struggled with their hateful accusations. Where they right? Was there something different and wrong with me? No. It can't be. I just have to keep going and everything will be ok.

I picked myself up and kept running. I came across more faces of people who were important to me, and the same thing happened. Every time I saw a friend, he or she said something inexplicable. My grey hippo friend, Maxton, who was into video games and always wore a plaid button up with khakis, told me to go fuck myself because no one else ever would. Hilda, a tigress on the volleyball team, clad in her uniform, threatened to "claw my eyes out" if I ever came near her little brother.

I had more friends, but they did not present themselves to me. Instead, their voices continued to haunt me from their unseen mouths. The lightning and thunder flashed and sounded arrhythmically, adding to the chaos of my mind, which I could feel running hot from all the impossible input. I was scared, alone, and dirty. I only wanted to find a place, quickly, and hide: from the storm, from my so called friends, from everything.

I fell to my knees, my legs too tired to continue on that terrible path. I was on the verge of tears. It was all just too much to bear. I felt alone.

Now, mind you, I grew up in a small town with friends and family around every street corner. Loneliness was not something I understood, at least before that moment in the dream. On that island, isolated and drifting in the sky, I had no one that I could seek any kind of aid from. I howled to the storming skies, "Is there anyfur out there who will help me?"

Someone grabbed my shoulder. Already frightened and disoriented, I jumped to my feet and turned around. There was an unfamiliar, handsome male deer whom looked to be the same age as me. He was the same height as me, though his antlers stretched as tall as I could raise my hand. He was slender, but his body was tough and firm. He was wearing a black tuxedo.

Before I could say anything, the strapping buck extended his hoof and said, "You look lovely tonight, wolfie. Might you grace me with a dance?"

"Lovely? I'm in dirty sleep clothes." As I was about to continue, another voice called from behind me.

"Hey. The university is starting up a group I think you'd be interested in."

I turned to see a blue female rabbit, wearing blue jeans and a tie-dye rainbow shirt.

Before I could respond to either fur, more and more new faces began to materialize around me. As usual with dreams, unimportant details simply don't exist; the speakers were of no particular species. What they said, though, was important because of the smile they brought to my face and the repair they made to my shredded heart.

"Be the true you."

"You're a beautiful person."

"The right guy is just around the corner."

"Pink is definitely your color."

It was then that I realized that the storm had broken apart leaving nothing but white clouds and blue sky. Everyone around me was now gone, but the warmth they brought stayed. The trees and shrubs were now alive and full of lush, green leaves and fragrant flowers. My eyes looked down, expecting to see my filthy garments. I saw that my bedclothes were no longer dirty, but as clean as when I had pulled them out of the dryer. Uplifted by the sudden and welcomed changes to the physical and emotional landscape, I walked the path and enjoyed all the beautiful flowers and sounds of the birds chirping. I had the feeling that a truth about myself was revealed to me, and like the clear sky that now reigned in the heavens, the heavy, dark veil that had obscured my future was gone.

I was soon at the edge of the island. When I arrived there was a woman in a black shroud standing and gazing out to another island in the distance. I opened my mouth to speak, but I was silenced by her gentle raising of a light grey paw. She pointed upward, prompting me to look to the sky.

Suddenly, a rainbow shot from the sky to the floating island she was gazing at. Then, its origin came quickly crashing down to the edge of the island upon which we stood, creating a bridge. The shrouded woman stepped onto the bridge and extended her paw to me. A trusting aura seemed to radiate from her being, so I reached out with my own paw and held hers. She began to walk as she led me over to the other side.

While I was taken by the view of the vast, endless, blue sky around me, she began to speak. "The rainbow has had many different meanings to many different cultures, civilizations, religions, and groups all throughout history." Her voice was gentle and knowledgeable; I perked up my ears and listened as she continued. "The Vikings called it Bifröst, the bridge to Asgard, land of the gods. It was another world, one all but unreachable for most mortal beings. I wonder what new world awaits you at the end of your journey."

I was about to ask her to elaborate; as I opened my mouth, I felt a downpour of heavy rain soaking through my thin bed clothes. I noticed that I was no longer on the bridge, but in the middle of a jungle with a heavy, continuous rainstorm. The shrouded woman was nowhere to be seen.

Quite unlike the last island, vegetation of this island was wild and freely growing everywhere. I heard no sounds of life, given the loud pounding of the rain hitting the ground and the broad, green leaves of the trees. All that was visible to me was another path leading into the dense jungle. Once again, I was all alone with my only recourse to take the road in front of me.

Walking that trail was proving to be difficult because my thoroughly soaked clothes and fur began to feel heavy as I trudged my way along the dirt path. There was no sign of the sun coming out, and I was also beginning to feel a numbing cold all over my body.

I saw an orange flicker; something that looked like a fire in the distance. Without a second thought, I ran along the path; and, soon, I arrived at a canopy, which housed the flame. I went under it and threw myself down in front of the warm, light giving pyre. I took off my sodden, burdensome clothing and laid them out by the fire to dry. I was now nude, thankful that no one was around to see me in this vulnerable state. I lay on my back close to the luminescent blaze and closed my eyes.

I heard a loud noise that caused me to open my eyes out of reflex. A voice was yelling from inside the canopy. Sitting up, I turned my head searching for the voice's origin. When my eyes readjusted to the flame's light, I saw them. They stood over me. Their eyes were full of disappointment and anguish. My mother and father, the loins of my fruit, the people who raised me, gazed upon me with what felt like contempt mixed with disenchantment. They had their Sunday best on: Mom in her light blue sunday dress, and Dad in his brown three piece suit.

"Get out, now!" my father blared at me, with a growling undertone in his speech. He clutched a baseball bat tightly in one of his paws, and he used the other to point out into the terrible monsoon from which I had just recently escaped. His white fur was slightly tinged red with fury.

Mom's normally black fur was drained of color. It now looked to be almost as light as mine. "Why would you do something like this to us?" She look as if her emotions could burst through the top of the canopy at any second. "Why?!" Her body began to tremble.

I sat there, dumbfounded at my parent's sudden actions. My dad, who never so much as said an ill word without provocation, and my mom, who never let her emotions get the better of her, were now treating me like I've done some horrendous, disastrous, contemptuous deed. I had done nothing.

"Mom...Dad...What happened?" I quickly rose off of the floor. My mind was racing from the sight of the two people who raised me with their own paws and hearts were now accosting me on this unknown matter. "What are you two talking about?"

Dad's voice grew louder and more malicious. "I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!" He gripped the bat with both hands and prepared to swing.

I turned and ran out from under the shelter. When I looked behind me the fire in the shelter was out, leaving only darkness. A cold chill shot down my spine and reminded me that I was exposed again to the hard hitting rain; this time, without any clothes on. I saw another pyre in the distance further along down the path. Hesitantly, I walked through the deluge. With every step, I was torn between running back to my parents and continuing down the path to the next source of light. I was under the next canopy before I knew it.

This shelter held another warm flame. Next to it was my older brother, Calvin. His fur was darker than mine, and his broad frame towered over me. He was going to school to be ordained as a clergyman, so he was there in his black vestments; only his dark grey face and paws were uncovered. He had a bible in one of his paws. He opened it and beamed at me with his piercing green eyes.

" Abomination!" The flame beside him grew slightly and returned to its original size.

"Calvin, please tell me what's going on!" I implored him with every ounce of my frantic being.

" Sodomite!" The pyre grew again, this time to the size of my brother.

"Big brother, please I don't understand what's..."

" REPENT!" The fire rose to the roof of the shelter and set it ablaze. A rafter from the ceiling that was above me fell down. I moved to the side and avoided it, but It blocked the entrance. I ran to the other side of the shelter as it caved in. I dove from under the structure just in time, sliding on the muddy ground.

I picked myself up and spat muck out of my muzzle. When I left the first island, things seem to be going well for me; but now, once again, I was alone and hated for reasons I could not understand. I did the only thing I could do; I gathered what little willpower I could in my tiny, wet, naked, mud covered body and continued along the road in the never-ending rainstorm.

As I placed one foot in front of the other, I let myself get lost in thought as I aimlessly walked through the torrential weather. "Why are Mom, Dad, and Calvin so mad at me? I...I've done nothing at all. I live my life by the lessons they have imparted on me. I'm kind to others. I don't pass judgments on others. I try to be an all around moral person. So, what, I ask, what was this horrible thing I did?"

I began to cry. By which I mean I actually shed tears from my eyes. Not that I had something in them; not that the water collected on my face; but that I let my overwhelming emotions flow from me. It was simply too much for a fourteen year old to bear. I cradled my head in my hands as I continued on my journey.

I stopped to gain my composure. When I removed my hands form my face, I saw that I was in a dark room with nothing but a single flickering candle on a table at its center. I did not know how I was no longer in the rain. Weary of others I slowly made my way towards it. As I drew near it, I felt warm; really warm in fact. The security I felt with that tiny flame was far greater than the trepidation I felt from the encounters with my parents and older brother.

"There you are, Dax," I heard a small voice say to me. I quickly spun around to see my sister, Cecilia; she was holding a candle of her own. I couldn't see much of her besides her face. The white eye patch of fur stood out on her black furred face. "I've been looking for you," she said as she approached me.

I lurched back, unsure what to expect. "Big Sister, whatever it is, leave me alone." The nervousness and anxiety was apparent in my voice. "Mom, Dad, and Calvin have already made it clear that I'm not welcome, so I don't need you to..." She had walked right passed me and lit a candle on the wall.

"I was starting to worry about you," she said as she lit the candle beside it. She went around the entire room and lit a candle every time she said something to me. "I think that you've beat yourself up enough about this. It's who you are, and that's all there is to it. They'll come around; if they don't, then it's their issue not yours. Honestly, if they can't see you for the kind, loving, righteous lupine you are, then you don't need them. I don't think any differently of you. To tell you the truth, I've always wanted a sister..." As she spoke I began to see the white, long sleeved blouse and long, purple skirt she was wearing.

I lost track of the things she said. However, I do remember how warm that room felt with just the two of us in it. I'm not sure if it was her words or the collective flames of the candles, but this was the first place I felt safe and welcome.

I came to my senses and looked around to find Cecilia. After a 180 degree turn, I saw her standing behind me, but she wasn't alone. Behind her were my parents, smiling with her. She reached out, grabbed my arm, and pulled me into a warm group embrace.

Happy to feel the physical contact of family, I could sense the room growing warmer and warmer. I closed my eyes and felt the fear and loneliness from just a few moments before being replaced by the love of my clan. "You really love me." I noticed my older brother was missing. Then, I remembered what Cecilia had just told me and said "I don't need him."

I opened my eyes to see that I was alone again. My family was gone, as was the room. However, the tropical warmth of clan love was still within me. I realized that the sun was out and shining down onto the island. I was now out of the jungle and at the edge of the island, and I was once clean and in my bedclothes. I turned my head to look back at the path and couldn't help but smile at the way my journey through this island had ended.

I turned my head back to discover the woman from the rainbow bridge. This time, instead of a shroud, she wore a black leather jacket. Her lovely pink skirt, though out of place for the jungle island, cascaded down from her slender hips to just above her ankles. I could also make out the light grey fur covering her paws, which looked to be the same shade as mine. The hood of the jacket was pulled over her head, so I was not able to see anything else. I decided to call to her.

As I was about to open my mouth, she turned around, raised her paw and beckoned for me to come to her. I felt the same gentle demeanor that I had sensed before, so I did. My eyes followed that same paw, which was now pointing out to another floating island.

"Last one," she said in that same knowing voice as before.

Then, a rainbow began to form in the space between the two islands; this time, however, it was under our feet. Blotches of color formed at random places and began to grow together. I felt as if I was watching nature, science, and creation folding out before me.

After the rainbow finished forming, I stepped forward to walk to the next island. The woman placed her paw on my shoulder, prompting me to turn around. She had a tandem bicycle beside her. She took the front seat and patted it gently. I took the action as an invitation and mounted the bike with her. She waited patiently for me to find my balance and get my feet on the pedals. Then, we rode across the next rainbow bridge.

A few wordless minutes passed. My loose t-shirt and pajama pants flopped slightly from the breeze. I had so many questions about this place and all the things that had happened. I desperately wanted to know what was next. Without taking her eyes off the road, she spoke before I could question her.

"Another rainbow related belief is that of a cosmic promise." I listened to her words as she continued to enlighten me. "Some believe that after a great flood that engulfed the entire world, the divine Creator used the rainbow to symbolize his pledge to never again wash away life on the earth using water.

"However, promises require work to be kept. The promise of love for our families, for example, requires everyone to be understanding and accepting of each other. There are cases where this seed fails to bear fruit. If that does happen what can one do? I would say, keep calm and move along. I think you've been doing a very good job of that."

I managed to say a "Thank you" before I felt myself rolling forward into a bank of snow. When I managed look up, she was gone again.

My thin, summertime bedclothes offered little insulation against the weather; I felt the numbingly cold wind and snow from the tips of my ears to the claws of my hind paws. My pads began to hurt from the lack of blood flow. I clutched my arms close to me in a futile attempt to get warm. As my body began to rapidly loose heat, I looked around to survey the area.

The first island was populated by dead, storm damaged trees. The second was full of plants, almost to the point of claustrophobia. However, this island was different. There was nothing but snow. Every direction I looked had no sign of anything accept snow banks. There wasn't even a path for me to follow this time. At a loss for any other ideas, I walked straight ahead.

To distract myself from the cold, I thought about what had happened so far. _I've survived a storm, where a lot of my so called friends were very unkind to me. I met some unknown furs who made me feel welcomed; I didn't even feel the need to act like a "guy." In the monsoon, I was basically abandoned by my family and almost killed in my brother's collapsing shelter. Then, Big Sister made me feel happy and loved. She even accepted whatever it was that had everyone so upset, and Mom and Dad even validated me with their love. Every time I've been lost I've been cast aside. Then, I was picked back up every single time. But, now, in this desolate place, there's no one around for as far as my eyes can see. For some reason, I truly feel alone. _

Steeling my emotions, I continued to try to piece things together. It's apparent that each island holds some kind of challenge for me to face. Somehow, me passing each trial makes the sun come out. Then there's that woman...She always pops up at the end of each trial. Who exactly is she? I get the feeling I know her, but...

I stepped on a patch of ice, and my foot slid from under me on the slick surface. I let out a painful scream as I fell onto the small of my back. I held back the tears. The last thing I needed was to lose my composure. I firmly planted my forepaw on the frozen ground and tried to pick myself up, using my forepaw to keep balance and focusing my weight on my legs. I managed to stand by keeping my feet apart.

"I've got to keep moving forward," I said to myself and slowly put one hind paw out, placed it on the ice, and moved my next paw. I took a few more steps in this manner before losing my concentration to the cutting chill of the wind and snow, reminding me I was in a blizzard. My right foot slipped inward towards my center of gravity and caused me to fall onto my side; during the fall, my constricted body twisted and I ended up landing on my shoulder. My screech of pain almost echoed in the empty, ice and snow covered landscape. This time, I couldn't hold back my tears. My wet cheeks began to sting even more.

"What the hell am I doing?" As I spoke out loud, the chills and shivers running relentlessly through my being constantly interrupted me. "I'm here...in the middle...of a blizzard...in the middle of...of an island...in the middle...of the sky." As I shifted to my back, I looked at the sky and began to let my doubts take over. With each word, my sense of urgency for my situation grew more and more desperate. "I'm...just a teen...age boy...A helpless...adolescent wolf...who's weak and... small...I have...to walk through....all of this... alone." Finally, after everything that happened on my journey, I raised my fists to the air and let my fears and emotions out in the loudest voice my frigid body could muster. "WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING!?"

At that moment, I felt the ground begin to shake. Unable to stagger myself back to my feet, I turned back onto my side, pulled my legs to my chest, tucked my tail in between them, and embraced them tightly to my body. I shut my eyes as I waited for the random seismic waves to cease. My ears instinctively perked up to the sound of the ice around me cracking. I whimpered softly, rapidly, wanting it all to be over.

Then, everything stopped. The ice and ground had become silent and still. I waited for my breathing to slow and stood up before I opened my eyes. I surveyed the area around me. My eyes widened at what I had realized at that moment. I had been standing on a lake that was frozen over, and now I was on a single strip of ice that was barely bigger than my own body. I looked to my left, then my right. Water covered my entire line of sight in both directions. I looked back the way I came only to see that the strip continued on for what seemed like miles in that direction. I turned towards the direction I was walking before my fall and saw a patch of ice in the middle of the lake. Left with no other recourse, I walked towards the island of ice.

With every step I took, the blizzard's winds blew harder and harder, and the air around me got colder and colder. Despite that, I continued to walk. I hugged myself tight, attempting to keep what little warmth I could inside of my body. I prayed for serenity as a way to keep my focus on getting through this snowstorm. After what seemed like a mile, I finally made it to the patch of ice at the lake's center.

I could tell the small island was roughly half the length of a football field. As I walked onto the circular sheet of ice, I heard the sound of cracking. I quickly turned around to see that the path I had just watched had split down the middle, and the two halves were floating away in opposite directions.

As upset as I was, I did not let the event surprise me. I had a feeling that whatever it was I needed to do was on this raft of ice. I cleared my mind. Ok...Ok. I'm here. Every place I've come across on this journey has forced me to deal being denied by someone. On the stormy island, it was my friends; it was my family on the island with the monsoon. Now on this island of endless snow...I don't know. Who else could I be afraid of being rejected by? I gritted my teeth in frustration. I just can't figure it out.

"I'm such a stupid pup," I heard a voice say.

"Wait...that wasn't me."

"A stupid pup...all alone." The voice's volume grew louder.

"Who's there?" I looked around, but no one was around. The wind began blow faster than before.

" Alone ...without a single fur...who understands and cares about me." The voice sounded as if it was right behind me.

I spun around to check, but there was nothing. The freezing wind swirled around the island, creating a tornado wall around the floating patch of ice.

"This is where I belong...Out here where on one has to waste their time on me."

"Stop this!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "Leave me alone!"

Snow that was picked up by the wind began to gather and create a pile on the opposite side of the ice patch. The pile began to twist and take shape, as if being molded by an invisible artisan. I stepped back as I watched the parts being formed one by one. First, it formed arms, then legs, a snout and ears; finally, it formed a tail. Its size and canid-like appearance was exactly like mine.

"I should stay here alone...where I belong." The snowDax spoke without moving its mouth. "No one will understand...what I am."

"I know what I am!" I let its words get to me; I started to run towards it with a fist drawn back, read to punch it apart to stop the verbal assault. "I'm sick and tired of this place!"

"I'm not strong enough..."

A burst of air from the snowDax sent me back a few steps, knocking me onto the ground. I got back to my feet and ran again. "I'm not running anymore!"

Without moving an inch, the snowDax sent another gust towards me with the words, "I'm a sick pervert."

This blast pushed me back, but I recovered quickly and kept running. I got right up to the effigy and used every bit of energy within me to punch its head off. Panting, I victoriously said, "There...that...that should...shut you up." Then, I noticed the snow was reforming its head; I staggered back from a mixture of surprise and fear.

"It's true... I knew I couldn't do it." The snowDax quickly put both of its paws around my neck. "I need an escape from this...they say that crystal meth makes things better."

I fell to my knees. As its cold hands choked me, I could feel the wind pick up and snow pile around me. I put up my paws in an attempt to break its grip on my throat.

"It's futile...Besides it's better if I stay here...where I can't hurt anyone...especially cubs."

I fought the urge to give in as much as I could; I struggled with the snowDax. With the snow now halfway between my knees and hips, I began to falter on the inside. Maybe it's right...I should just give up here...If I seal myself away...I can be the wolf everyone else wants me to be...If things get too rough in here, I can find ways to deal with it...Just as long as I'm a good boy and follow the right path...

Now, the snow had collected up to my shoulders. I could feel my body temperature drop drastically, as the snowDax sustained its vice grip around my neck. I could hardly breathe. The vortex of wind continued to constrict any hope of being seen by the outside world. I closed my eyes, and my mind sank into despair as cold and bleak as this island.

"Accept it..." I heard a voice softly call to me.

I am...I'm not resisting anymore...I'm going to let the cold grip of this world take me away.

"That's not accepting it, Daxter." The voice was a little clearer.

How do you...know my name?...Who are you?

"If you want to find out, then accept it. Think about what your journey has been about, dear Dax." I realized the voice belong to that mysterious woman.

What...the journey...has been about...WAIT!

After my realization, I broke out of the snow that had congealed around me and used my bare paws to smash the snowDax's arms off. As its limbs reformed, I quickly jumped forward and tightly embraced my wintery doppelganger in my arms. It stopped moving.

After confirming its motionless state, I closed my eyes began to speak to it. "Look, I don't know what exactly you are, but, apparently, you know all my insecurities and weaknesses. I just want to say that I've learned a lot about acceptance on this journey. However, acceptance from the entire world doesn't matter if you can't accept yourself for all that you are. I'm still not sure what it is others will have to accept about me. The important thing is that I accept you: my weakness and insecurity."

I could feel the golem melting in my arms; I also heard the winds around the island die down almost immediately. Light from the uncovered sun shone down upon me, filling my body with much needed heat. I opened my eyes to see what landscape this island held. A short land bridge connected the island in the middle of the lake to a broad, open field on the mainland. A few trees sparsely dotted the landscape, which was otherwise covered in a seemingly infinite expanse of roses of every color.

I gazed upon this new landscape. Something welled up inside of me, moving me to let myself fall onto my back and laugh. I did it! I felt as if I had completed my objective for my adventure. The only thing that bothered me was why I needed this quest. I did not know the answer. As I pondered, I heard a familiar voice from someone beside me.

"You did it; you learned what a trial acceptance can be sometimes."

I looked to my side to see the woman from whom I had met twice before on my journey sitting beside me. She was wearing a beautiful long sleeved, pink dress which covered her legs just below the knee. Long, wavy, blonde hair, which looked golden in the sun, flowed from under the straw sunhat she wore atop her head. She had on a pair of sunglasses protecting her eyes from the blinding sunlight. I confirmed that her fur was indeed the same hue of grey as mine and that she was also a wolf.

"Miss?" I questioned the woman.

"Yes, dear Dax?" she asked in reply.

"I have a few questions for you." I sat myself up to speak to her face to face. "Who are you? How do you know me? Where are we, and why am I here?"

She took a moment to clear her throat. Then in the same gentle voice she used before, she said, "You'll figure all that out by yourself in due time."

"Wait," I began in a surprised tone, "This is the part of the story where the hero has all of his long held questions answered."

She let out a slight giggle at my response. "But, your journey is far from over, Daxter. In fact, it's only begun, so you'll have to wait on your answers. Although, it is a good thing to think of yourself as the hero; be sure never to forget that."

A strong gust of wind blew past us across the field of roses. Petals from some of the flowers were swept up in the breeze. Small, paper thin fragments of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, and pink wafted through the air as the gust looped and carried the petals past us. I turned around to see another rainbow bridge forming from them. The bridge arched into the clouds above and down below the island's horizon.

"It's time to go," the woman in the pink dress said from behind me.

I turned around and was met with the sight of her sitting on a carriage being pulled by two feral horses. She was holding the reins as she put out a paw to me; I stood up and walked to the carriage. Her surprisingly strong arm pulled me up with no difficulty. She gently whipped the reins, signaling the horses to start walking. After a slow start on the bridge, she whipped the reins again to cue the horses to speed up. She began to speak again as we ascended to the peak of the arch.

"To a lot of people the rainbow represents the diversity and energy of mortal existence. Just as it takes many different colors to create the rainbow, it takes many different colors to make the world. It doesn't matter if it's the outside world you live in or the one you create within yourself."

We reached the top of the bridge. As I opened my muzzle to speak, she placed the reins in my paws. She helped me grip the strap tightly, keeping her hands over mine. In my ear, she whispered, "You're the one in control now, dear Dax," and whipped the reins one final time before letting go of my paws.

The horses dashed down the descending side of the rainbow, carrying us along with them. I didn't know what we would find at the bottom, but I was actually excited to see what awaited me. I whipped the reins and the horses ran even faster. Before I knew it, we were out of the clouds. I looked down to see that a giant pot of gold was waiting. I whipped one final time, causing the horses to jump into the pot. My eyes and smile widened as I was met with a shining radiance.

Then, I woke up; it was morning; and my mind was clear.

In the years that followed, I allowed myself to explore my feelings unabashedly; although, I did keep them mostly to myself. I watched the movie Too Paw Foo, which helped me discover and be secure with my more feminine side. When Matthew Shepardog was murdered, something in me wanted to take in every detail I could from papers and television. During legislation on the Defense of Marriage Act, I kept a constant eye on what unfolded and researched Don't Ask, Don't Tell. And that was just the rest of the 90s.

Though the full details are too numerous for the scope of this already long post, I'll share with you a very brief account of my life in the next millennia. After I moved away from home to pursue college, I was in a much more liberal climate and did some "experimenting." Long story short, I figured out who I am on my own terms. Eventually, I saved up the money to have my top surgery and hormone treatments.

Then, just a couple of years ago, I was trying on this beautiful pink dress I found at a thrift store. I looked in the mirror and realized that the woman from the dream was really me. And you know what, dear readers? I am just as beautiful now as I was some 18 years ago.

Until next time,

Ask Anna