The Aristocrats!
Jazz and Art attend an open mic comedy club for the chance to try out a new old joke.
"I didn't even know you knew any jokes," Art quips to me as we drive to the comedy club.
"Ahah, funny, asshole. I just wanna try something out," I grin, and give his shoulder a light punch. "I've got a version of The Aristocrats I want to tell."
"Oh for fuck's sake, are you serious? Everyone's heard someone tell The Aristocrats, shock humor is dead," he groans at me. I guess it's true, but it's not like everyone tells it the same way.
"Yeah, I know, but they haven't heard me tell it. And it's more than just shock humor, I've got big plans for the ending," I lean over and whisper in his ear what I've got in store. You, though? You'll have to wait, just like everyone else.
"Don't you even fucking dare!" He laughs out loud, definitely convinced this is a good idea now. "Holy shit, we'll never be allowed back there, they'll hate you!" I grin again.
"Yeah, but I don't plan on going back anyway, it's not like I've even been there before, either. It'll be worth it." He shakes his head, now grinning as well.
"Ah, we're here." He parks the van around the back of the club, and we get out. His tail is wagging, which is definitely a good sign. He's doesn't usually seem to be amused by much, but apparently the prospect of me getting kicked off the stage is amusing to him. We head around to the front and enter the club, and I find the sign-up sheet and go to sit at the bar to wait out however many acts there'll be before me.
Ahhh...I've gotta admit, some of these people are pretty funny. I almost feel kinda bad for what I'm planning on going up to do, this seems like a pretty swell operation. My fine black wolf companion and I have had a few, 'cause fuck it. They don't have anything craft on tap, which kinda pisses me off, but what's a guy gonna do? I'm not particularly drunk yet, I don't think, but I think I can manage not to laugh through my own joke. Ohhhh fuck I hope I can manage.
"You're not gonna choke, right?" Art asks me, definitely poking fun. "You know I've got your back, man."
"Ahaha, nah, I'm not gonna choke. I just hope I can manage to get all the way to the end. Like, this is an adult comedy club and all, but you know?" I watch the clock, I think it's almost my time up. I finish off my beer and shake my head at the bartender. Cute rabbit, too bad I won't see her again, I make sure to leave a good tip. "Alright, I might as well start on my way up. You gonna sit closer to the stage?" Art nods, and gets up with me. Just then, the emcee takes to the stage, taking hold of the microphone.
"Alright everyone, in just a minute, we'll be having Jazz Sinly up, so if he can come up to the stage whenever he's ready." I take that as my cue to hurry up to the front, and I come onto the stage while he's still there, giving his paw a firm squeeze. He gives me a nod and a "good luck" and now I'm up here on my own. Woo boy. Ahhh oh man.
"Hey everyone, my name's Jazz, and I hope you'll like me more than you actually like jazz, one way or another." A friendly round of applause, and I scan the audience until I see Art at a table, front and center. Ah, that's good. "Alright, uhm, so this is my first time up here tonight, I hope you'll be gentle, because sources tell me that I'm not actually all that funny. I guess ironically sharing shitty memes on Facebook doesn't cut it for humor in the real world, so instead of an actual routine, I've prepared a joke that I'm putting all my bets in. Some of you may have heard it, and if you have, please don't spoil it for anyone else, because it's a joke with a name, and it's called The Aristocrats." About half of the audience snickers. Ah, I was hoping more would know what's going to happen, otherwise they won't appreciate the ending.
"Alright, so a family walks into an audition for America's Got Talent. They think they've got this act that's like nothing that has ever been seen before on TV, and they really want to share it with the world. And they're this average American family of cats, not really any particular purebreed or anything, just what you'd imagine out of a middle class family of cats, yeah? A father, a mother, a daughter, a son, and they've got their pet dog with them, too, a big mastiff. So, they sit down in front of the casting agent, and he asks them what they do. The father says 'Well, we've got a really special family act, I can't say that there are very many that are like ours. It's absolutely got to be seen to be believed.' And of course, you know, obviously they've got to perform it, so the casting agent says 'Well, by all means, show me what you guys have prepared.' So the family stands up, and they all push the chairs to the edges of the room, and the father makes sure the door is locked. He asks the agent 'There aren't any cameras in here, right? This is a very innovative act and we can't have anybody knowing what we're doing until it's our time to shine.' The agent says 'No, no, there aren't, just do what you're about to do.' But he's seeming kind of nervous, like 'What are these people going to do that they needed to lock the doors? Am I going to get mugged or something?'
"But anyway, the daughter stands beside the father, and the son stands beside the mother, and they all take off their pants, and are standing there practically fully aroused. And without a single moment of hesitation, the mother gets down on her paws and knees and starts sucking off her kid, like she's taking it right down her throat, and the dad picks up the daughter and shoves her down on his massive cock, and she's not even hurt! And he gets on his knees, too, holding her back as he pounds her, so she can start eating out her mother's pussy and tailhole while she's getting absolutely railed. And the dog is in on this, too, he sees this and on cue, he's standing beside the daughter eating her mother out, and he lifts his leg and starts pissing on her face, absolutely soaking her. The son sees this, because this is his cue, and he begins to piss on his mother's face, and she's drinking it, she's getting her hair soaked."
A few audience members are shuffling uncomfortably, and I see a few less than there were when I started. Quite a few are grinning, though. I guess I'm telling this as well as expected.
"So now the father drops the daughter, it looks like it hurts but she's not even phased, she just rolls onto her stomach and lifts her ass up, reaching her paws back and spreading her asscheeks, and her little pussy is gaping, and she sticks her fingers into it and she pulls herself open, and the father starts fingering her, putting more fingers in with each thrust, and before you know it, he's fist-fucking his daughter, and he's getting rough with it, too, and his forearm is getting soaked, he's getting way deeper than you would think a 10 year old girl's pussy would even extend. And then she starts cumming violently, she's spasming and squirting all over her dad, and just out of nowhere, but obviously this is on some cue, how many times has this family done this, the son is now squatted over his sister, and as she reels her head back in orgasmic bliss, he drops a shit directly into her mouth, and she gnashes on it, drooling this spit-and-shit mixture as she cums over and over from her father fist-fucking her, and after who knows how many orgasms, he pulls his arm out of her gaping pussy, and she rolls over onto her back, so that her brother can sit his tailhole directly over her face, and she begins licking hungrily at his hole, closing her eyes as she knows what's going to happen, of course it's going to happen, he voids himself more, and she's licking still hungrily, her face covered in shit."
Those grinning audience members seem even more entranced in the whole thing, but a few of the others look like they're going to puke. Well, let's give them even more, huh?
"Now, the brother leans over and is on his paws and knees over his sister, and his mother has put on some rubber gloves, because, ah, being sanitary is very important, you know. So, she's lubricating it, and she starts doing the same thing to him as the father did to the daughter, she's getting his tailhole primed up, warmed up a little, and with just a little bit of prodding, suddenly she's got her whole paw up in his ass, and he just cums instantly and violently, he's coating his sister's face with more cum than you've seen in some Japanese porn, his mom's just ramming away against his prostate, and to add to everything, now the father is beginning to piss on the son's face, and much like the mother, he's reveling in it, he's drinking it, he's swishing it in his mouth like fine wine, he's enjoying everything as he's getting fist-fucked and cumming a geyser on his sister's shit-and-piss-and-spit coated face. And then his father shoves his massive cock right into his mouth, just fucking it rough, and he pulls out within seconds, and the son just starts vomiting hard, right onto his sister's wet, abused cunt, just covering it. This poor girl, right? So, the dog, now taking that as his cue, comes up and starts licking out this kitten's cunt, lapping up all of that vomit and pussy juice, and now his cock is getting hard, because let's be honest here, wouldn't you get hard eating out a 10 year old girl whose pussy is covered in vomit?"
Oh my god I can't believe I haven't been kicked out yet. I hope nobody calls the police or the FCC or anything. The audience seems slimmer. This joke was not for them. Art is still front and center, and raises his drink to me, and I do the same, albeit with a bottle of water.
"So, the mother pulls her fist out of her son's asshole, and along with it comes all this santorum -- you know, that frothy mixture of shit and lube -- and she wipes it onto her own pussy, and she pushes her kid forward and sits her snatch above her daughter's face, and she reaches up into herself, and pulls out this cup, you know the little cups that women can use instead of pads or tampons? And so now she just empties this on her daughter's face, and she sits her snatch down, on her daughter's face. So, it's covered in piss, it's covered in shit, it's covered in cum, it's covered in lubey-shitty froth, and it's covered in period blood now. And the daughter just digs right in, she reaches her paws up and she's fingering her pussy and her tailhole, she's licking her clit like there's no tomorrow, and before long, the mom cums. Like, she really cums, she's having this absurdly loud squirting orgasm, she's letting loose torrents of her vaginal fluid mixed with her period blood, all over the daughter's face, while the daughter's having her vomit-covered pussy eaten by their huge dog, who now also has a huge erection. So now, the mother and the son climb off of her, and the son takes her place, and the daughter climbs on top of him, and she takes his cock, which is fucking huge for a 14 year old, almost as big as his dad, and she takes it into her pussy with ease. Of course. And then the dog mounts her, and you know how feral dogs are, right? Like once they're hard, they're just leaking precum all over the place. So he's got his massive wet cock against her tailhole, and he just rams it in, and I guess they haven't practiced this part much, because her asshole rips, she starts bleeding all over the dog's cock and it's dripping down her brother's cock. But they know that they really need this exposure if they can get on the show, so the act must go on, and now she's getting rammed in both holes by the dog and her brother, and her dad comes around, and he's smacking her face with his erect cock. He's practically beating her face with it, it's almost kind of gruesome."
I take a bit of a pause to drink some more water and scan the audience. I really hope nobody's going to get off on this later. I can see the bartender giving me the dirtiest fuckin' look. Ahhhh, fuck.
"Now, he rams his cock right into her mouth, and she's sucking him and throating him the best she possibly can, and she's getting fucked in the ass by the dog, and in her pussy by her brother, and they're really going to town on her, and the mother is behind the father, fingering his asshole and biting his neck and fondling his balls and egging him on. And then after a bit more, the dog shoves his entire cock in the daughter's ass, which is still bleeding, and this dog's knot is huge, we're talking pomegranate huge, she's stretched so much that it's not even a big deal, she's getting fucked with the knot now, and it's cumming profusely, and the son can feel the daughter's bowels filling up with dog seed, and he starts cumming buckets inside of her, and the father yanks on the daughters hair and pulls it back and he spits on her face and he pulls his cock out of her mouth and he starts cumming now, too, and then jams his cock back into her throat the same way he did to his son, and she starts puking on his cock, but he's got her head pulled back, so she's puking on her own face as well, and he pulls his cock back and he's still cumming and she's still retching and this goes on. After he's done, he gives the dog some order he must have been given before, and the dog forcibly yanks his knot out of the daughter's tailhole, and dog cum and shit and blood pour out of the poor thing's ass, and she rolls off of her brother and now her pussy's also leaking cum, and as she's laying there, abused and covered in body fluids, the father, the mother, the son, and the dog all begin to piss all over her, cleaning this mess off of her to the best of their ability. So, after a bit, she stands up, her legs shaking like hell, and the whole family, even the dog, they all take a bow. And the casting agent is fucking shocked. You know, pretty understandably. And he just looks at them, dumbfounded, and says 'Well, I've certainly never seen anything like this before, and I don't think anybody else has ever seen it, let alone on TV. What's your act called, anyway?' Now, I'm sure this wouldn't really be anyone's first or last reaction to seeing what's gone on, I don't think this would even have been able to start in the first place, this guy has got to be on something really fucked up, right? But, anyway, he asks when what the act is called, and so the father puffs out his chest, looking exceptionally proud, and you know what he says?"
I hear Art call out "Wait for it!" in the crowd. Almost everyone who's left knows exactly what to expect. Well...almost exactly.
I grin widely, almost on the verge of laughing at what I'm about to say. "In the proudest voice the man can manage, he gestures, like so," I hold out my arms in a voila! sort of way, "and he says 'We call ourselves The Aristocats!'"
Dead fucking silence. Oh shit. "Ahhh, um...get it...because they're a family of cats..."
On the drive back home, I'm soaked in booze. I'm bruised from beer bottles. I can't believe that didn't go over well.
"Nobody fucking likes puns."