FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I am in a considerable deal of ongoing pain--and while that's not a particularly engaging way to solicit an audience--pain being what it is--I feel it important to qualify my position.

My pain is that of concentration, and of feeling it constantly being diverted to wasteful endeavors. In short, guilt--but not simply guilt over doing something deliberately wrong.

Rather, I dwell on the moment invariably; my surroundings, and my perceptions of self and others hound me 'constantly'. There is never a moment where I can relax, to stop having a serious thought, except when I am engaged in another world altogether. Getting 'into' such a world is usually a matter of routine--take a bath, mow the lawn, play a game, eat or drive a car. Being not free from myself, to do these things, I dwell and it can become toxic. I am starkly reminded of the alcoholic, drowning their sorrows in familiarity and booze--hiding from reality.

Sedentary as I often find myself, I find it a great challenge to try new things, for fear of being judged for my failings. I'm always looking to an unseen guide, some non-existent life partner who will approve of my seeking my own happiness, rather than constantly trying to ward me away from failure; a blight born already of my inaction, that needs no extra carelessness on my part, to destroy me altogether. What I have become is isolated, and blinded to options--and I'm always looking for an equal I can listen to and serve to our mutual benefit.

In the animal world, causing physical harm to another is almost invariable necessity among many species. Predators must act; cause harm to prey; subdue and end the weak, and in doing so fill their hunger. The human life by comparison shields us from action; rather than drive, violence becomes our walls and ceilings, the outer limit we must not cross. An unremarkable animal life is one full of action, is what my romantic side tells me--while an unremarkable human life is static.

My conceptions of reality are not all-encompassing... I know that. But I am trying to explain what has come to pass to build these perceptions I am sharing.

"Hurry up and wait." A routine of being held at bay from results, while being rushed to render a service. From youth, education for me was compulsory, but the contents were never my choosing--the questions were never mine to be answered. When there was a question, I was overlooked, or postponed with minutiae; paperwork and qualifications; distinctions of grade and score that had no meaning beyond keeping me 'from' answers. My education was obfuscated and strange, and so I often kept to my corner, silent, and focused on subjects of my own choosing.

My determination must not have been strong enough; perhaps my romanticism--my magical thinking and fantasies of empowerment--interfered with my common sense, my practical desire to get things done. I was always looking for an outside source to provide, to show the way, and it was in part because my desire for action was violent and emotional.

I held back. I contained myself like a candle under a lid--suppressed and burnt out my fire when it arose. Afraid to harm or offend others, I let myself slip by the wayside, be overlooked by teachers and authorities--and it was convenient for us both. I could die useless without shaming myself, and I wouldn't be a problem they had to try and carry.

Looking back, it makes me feel violent, and angry at myself, that I turned into this lazy 'thing' cowering under a blanket, and looking at images of my ideal body in drawings I can't even make.

I have a lot of self-hate to overcome, and I feel like I have precious little time to square my shit together.