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To a Special Reader

Anna returned home from a busy yet relaxing afternoon of shopping. There were no perishable groceries, so she decided to get them out of the car later. For now she decided to wind down and get to work on her website. The she-wolf was very active in her community and wore many hats in her life: volunteering at the homeless shelter, talking about her life experiences at schools, and being a mentor to local teenagers. In her spare time, she worked on her weekly blog, AskAnna, in which she gave advice to other GLBT people and allies who sought it.

She changed out of her daytime public attire--a straw sunhat, white blouse, black denim skirt, black tennis shoes and white socks--into the t-shirt and pajama pants combo she usually wore when she was home and didn't expect company. Then, she brewed a cup of coffee using her Furig coffee machine and settled in at her desk. She turned on her Desktop. While waiting for everything to load, she sipped at her joe to get a little more relaxed and focused for the task at hand. She logged into her site's e-mail inbox and sorted through the spam that accumulated every week.

By the look of things, it was going to be a quick post; there happened to be only one e-mail from an actual reader. She clicked on it and read its content.

Dear Miss Anna,

I'm a teenage crocodile from a small, conservative town. Recently, I have been feeling attractions to other anthros of the same sex. Whenever these feelings come up, I feel a deep sense of shame because, being raised in a strict, religious household, I have been taught that they are the mark of a sinner and a blasphemy upon the Creator. I went to talk to the pastor of my church about them. He said that the Almighty loves me. That I can get back on the path of righteousness with prayer and faith.

It pains me to think that these feelings can keep me from the Promised Land. I pray; I'm devout and faithful; I try to treat others as my own family. I know what is expected of me: to become a man of God, raise my children in the Christian tradition, and be a weapon against all the evils of the world. But, I can't help but feel that there is something I'm missing.

I've been looking through your blog for a few weeks now. Something tells me that you can tell me something that I can't hear from anyone I know.

Thank you for your time,

Conservative Raised Croc

Touched by the candor of the message, the light grey lupine took a deep breath as she tied her long, flowing, blond hair into a ponytail. She opened a new Anthrosoft Furd document, adjusted her glasses for comfort, and began drafting her reply.

Dear Conservative Raised Croc,

I'm quite touched that you would ask my opinion on your situation. I have been in your place before and wholeheartedly understand where you come from. I too was raised in a small town with a conservative population. I too had this conflict of faith and feelings. I'm glad to tell you my thoughts.

First off, I want to tell you my views on religion. I, in no way, think religion is a bad thing; faith empowers, inspires, and unites people. However, religious fervor can often be mistaken for religious truth, and people can very easily blind themselves to the world around them by standing behind religious belief instead of with it.

I also believe that the experience of divinity is an intensely personal one. Therefore, no one should be able to tell you where you and your feelings stand with God. I can't; your pastor can't. Only you through your own assessment of your life can make that call. Now, you can factor in advice you get from others, but that is still for your own analysis of things.

I say this because the negativity you feel comes from your upbringing, which, I'd venture to guess, is steeped in religion as the main guiding factor in your world view. The problem with that is that you see every single thing in the world through the goggles of preconceived religious ideals. Ideals which were passed to you from past generations and could potentially block you from accepting other possibilities and experiences. Instead of thinking of how these new feelings might play into your life, you went to your pastor for advice. He probably has the same basic ideals you were raised with and told you what you were already thinking.

I want to tell you a story. When I was a lad, and yes by that I mean I was born male, in my teenage years, I went to a church camp. I was having fun and met a couple new people to share my love of Christ with. One boy I had met asked me if I was gay because someone else had said something to him about it. I didn't know my own sexuality then, and that's what I told him. He then proceeded to say how homosexuality is an evil spirit that I opened my mind to and was accepting inside of me. It pretty much ended at that, and I let him go on his way.

Later in the same week, the pastor of my church pulled me aside and told me that some other kids were making fun of me. He said that he was 'mad as spit' that they were doing that. They made fun of the fact that I liked to wear one fingerless glove on my hand and carried a big tote bag for all my books, pens, and paper. He told me that I had to change myself because I was bringing negative attention to the kingdom of God. Let me tell you, I was so distraught. Later at dinner, I was sitting at a table by myself and the cover of a florescent light fixture fell not six inches away from me. I simply looked at it with a complete sense of apathy and kept eating. I was that devastated.

I did everything I was raised to do: I prayed, I accepted others and didn't judge them, I was kind to those who were mean to me. But somehow, according to the pastor, I was responsible for the kids making fun of me. It caused quite an identity crisis for me. Over time, however, I realized that I felt no need to change who I was. If God wanted me to change, surely he would let me know; and, surely, I would know it. However, I had to learn it by taking stock of my own thoughts and views of the world; not those of the pastor or the kid, whose name I don't even remember.

In my thirty-something odd years of life, I've learned a thing or two about expectations. For example, I was expected to stay as what society saw as a man. However, I took hormones, had top surgery, and feel happier for my decision. I'm expected to have my bottom surgery done, but I don't plan on it. Some have told me I'm a sinner and an abomination in creation. Do I believe God thinks me a sinner? Not in the least. As I said, surely He would let me know; and, surely, I would know it.

You mentioned that you want to uphold the Christian tradition. W. Somerset Maugham said "Tradition is a guide, not a jailer." To me this means that traditions are guidelines to help chart your course in life, not ironclad rules that allow no room for personal thought or feeling. The Christian tradition to me is that of being Christ-like: loving and accepting of everyone, being non-judgmental, and helping those in need. Honey, there are GLBT people who are devout Christians and try their level best--like anyone else on this planet--to do right by themselves, others, and Jesus. To put it simply, God's more interested in what you do, not who you do. If I ever have any children, a thought I am more than open to, that's what I'd teach to them.

You also stated that you wanted to become a weapon. Furs and scales are not weapons, dear Croc; you should not think of yourself or anyone else as one. In the words of Lois McMaster Bujold, "A weapon is a device for making your enemy change his mind." What do you define as your weapon? Who do you see as your enemy? What 'evils of the world' are you looking to defeat? Only you can answer these questions. My weapons are my experience, honesty, and open-mindedness; my enemy is ignorance and dogma; those are the great evils of the world in my eyes.

If I had to boil it all down, here is what I'd tell you. Only through your own constant self-evaluation can you decide whether what you are feeling is wrong or not. And, overtime, your thoughts on your feelings may or may not change. However, you have to be open to other possibilities and views of life, as long as you don't let them blind you to what you feel is right.

I wish you the best, and I'm here if you need to talk.

Sincerely,

Ask Anna

The she-wolf sighed and leaned back in her chair. She gulped down the rest of her coffee and sat back upright to finish her task. She copied and pasted the contents of the e-mail to the beginning of the document and looked over the whole thing for errors. She titled it "To a Special Reader," copy and pasted the entire document to her blog, and clicked the submit button.

Anna stood up out of her desk chair, stretching out her entire body to loosen her tense, aching shoulders. The recollection of her own past emotional trauma, revived by the poignant e-mail, had affected her more than she thought. Exhausted, she refreshed her coffee and curled up in her bed with a book. After reading a few pages, she felt the weight of her eyelids getting heavier. Not even the caffeine could keep her awake. She turned off her bedside lamp and lay on her back, but did not sleep. The post was still fresh on her tired mind. She closed her eyes and said a prayer for the anonymous youth who contacted her. May the dear Croc find the serenity to discover the acceptance he or she deserves; Amen. Grateful for the opportunity to share her experiences to help others, the she-wolf drifted off to sleep.