An Advanced State of Denial

Story by DarkSoulsSauron on SoFurry

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#8 of After Hours

Convincing yourself can be the hardest task of all.


I had never realized that it was the second week of may until thursday came around. Time always flowed differently for me at college. I had perpetual three day weekends. That being said, I had a lot more homework than others on my weekend, but I didn't mind. If I got all my work done before friday night I'd have two and a half days of complete freedom.

This week held a bit bigger of a workload, and I hadn't returned from the library until after one (thank god for late night thursdays). I saw the light under our door was on, and there was no livestrong either, so I didn't need to knock. I opened the door and let my overstuffed backpack precede me as I walked inside. I heard a sharp click as James shut his lid on his laptop. "You still up?" I asked.

"Yeah. Feeling restless. You know, I think I might slug it out in the abyss mode for a while," said James, standing up from his chair. "Would you care if I came back inside with all my stuff in an hour or so?"

"No prob," I said, waving my hand. "By that time the seroquil will have kicked in. Hell if you wait for an hour and half you could play your horn in here and I'd never notice a thing." It was only then that I noticed that James' desk was more cluttered than normal. He had set up what looked like a heart rate monitor and an ancient relic of a webcam. "What are those for?" I inquired, jabbing a curved black claw at the equipment.

"Just stuff for a take home lab," said James. I wasn't sure, but his voice sounded a little guilty and certainly shifty. "Don't mess with it please. I was in the middle of it, but I just couldn't concentrate tonight."

"mmkay," I muttered absently from the minifridge. By the time I had pulled out a ginger ale to wash down my pills James was already gone. For five minutes I stood stock still, with pills and soda still in hand, for reasons unknown. My subconcious seemed to be trying to ponder some conundrum unknown without letting my conscious brain in on the secret. In what could only be called a lightbulb moment, my brain finally realized what was up. What was a geologist doing with equipment that was almost certainly from the pre-med department. And he closed the lid,.. which he just never did due to his not-unwarranted fear of shattering his fragile relic of a laptop into pieces. For better or for worse, my curiosity was piqued. I knew I wouldn't sleep unless I tried to crack the "mystery" lying on James' desk.

I flipped open the lid of the fossil-like computer with delicacy, and I saw that it had already gone back to the log on screen. I asked for the hint immediately. "Who is the blue valentine?" Something told me it was a fighting game reference (it always was with James), and I whipped out my phone and googled "blue valentine," just to see what came up. I ignored anything that had nothing to do with fighting games, and on the third page of google I hit the a gold mine. Jin Kisaragi, a BlazBlue character, was apparently born on Valentine's Day. I typed his name into the text bar: one word, no spaces, Caps on the beginnings of each name. Jackpot.

I felt a small pang of guilt as I scanned his taskbar to see what programs were running. I really shouldn't be on his computer, but in for a penny, in for a pound. At least that was how I rationalized this whole thing in my head. Firefox was open to just his student email, and he had a half-finished word document that was likely a lab write up. Only then did I realize that he had a powerpoint up that was titled "K-Scale 0-6." I maximized the program.

I wasn't sure exactly what I was expecting to see, but the one thing I was certainly not expecting was porn. I opened the slide preview and scanned the slides. there were over one hundred slides: all still frames of some visual porn. Some of it was stuff I had recommended and others must have been from his own private stash that everybody kept somewhere on their computer. Male and female shots, sometimes with both genders together, and sometimes there was group shots, either gay, lesbian, or a mix. I started the slides from the beginning, just to see what he was doing. A little bubble popped up from the taskbar. "Please attach the pulse monitor."

I raised my eyebrows and put my finger in the heart rate monitor and clicked "slide show" again. It began with a shot of a lionesse. She was certainly attractive, even to a person who couldn't give a damn about the sexual allure of females. It seemed that the slide wouldn't progress unless I clicked the mousepad

I heard a small whirrirr as the ancient webcam snapped a picture. I jumped at the sound, and I immediately x-ed out to search where the picture was being filed. I deleted it immediately. and emptied the recycle bin before closing the computer again. I didn't need to go any farther. It didn't take a brain surgeon to understand what James was doing here. A purebred scientist from womb to tomb. He was measuring reaction images and pulse rates for each individual picture.He even had MiniTab open to compile his data in. The data program currently was displaying a big green 4.5, with a subcaption reading "estimated kinsey scale rating,."

"Leave it to James to try and quantify sexual orientation," I muttered to no one in particular. I double checked that I left no traces and closed the computer lid as gingerly as I could. Only after I heard the brisk click of the lid snapping shut did I start to feel pangs of guilt. I really, really, shouldn't have done that. That was spying. It couldn't be called anything else. You just didn't do that to your roommate, no matter what the circumstances.

But lying beneath the guilt was concern, too. I certainly knew how weird it felt to struggle with the growing realization that you weren't exactly straight, and I also knew that I had it relatively easy compared to other furs. I mean, I was sure James had already come to the conclusion that he wasn't straight, but he still hadn't figured out exactly how not straight he was.

I mean, for a while, I thought I was bi, at least in my head. It's not like I had any hard data on it, but I had a feeling that if I asked a lot of gay guys might have identified as bi at one point or another. Part of it was that sexuality was so nebulous and fluid anyway, but I always held a hypothesis that part, if not A LOT of it was societal.

All people in our first world has a fascination with what we call "normal," whatever the hell that is. And I can definitely conclude that being straight is considered normal. I mean, statistically there are more straight furs than gay furs. But I think the transition of straight to bt to gay was, for me, a desperate grasp at "being normal."

I'm sure you could guess how it goes. "I like girls."

"Sure you do, but that's not all you like."

"Allright, cocks turn me on a bit too."

"More than a bit."

"So what? If I don't act on it, I'm basically still straight, right?"

"Sure you are."

I don't know who I was fooling, really. I was hardly fooling myself. It certainly wasn't a comfortable place to be, mentally, for a good number of months. Something told me James might be (well, more than might be) in a similar place, but helping him would certainly be... complicated. Seeking council on an issue like this would be a lot more awkward if you're asking a bear that you'd already fucked. Twice.

I stood up at and sat on the edge of my bed, and only now did I realize that I had spent thirty minutes lost in thought. I hastily popped my pills and hit the lights. I didn't want to look like I had been snooping around while he was gone. My sleep was restless, and even with all the drugs running through my system I was still awake when James brought his playstation inside.


Friday was uneventful. I had a freshly written draft of a paper on thursday that I still needed to proofread, but it's never a good idea to edit a paper the same day you wrote it. Still, I was a professional procrastinator some days, and it wasn't till about nine at night that I actually started looking at my analysis of early twentieth century sci-fi literature. Philip K Dick wasn't exactly early twentieth century lit, but everyone and his brother was already writing about George Orwell. Not a bad idea, but certainly a drag to make my professor read thirty different papers on the same author.

Even at night, the weather was stiflingly humid, and our dorm had no AC, except in the lounges. I could have moved, but I could never concentrate when everyone else was goofing off around me. I had opened the windows wide, jacked up the fans, and perched myself on my bed to catch a breeze, but I was still sweating bullets. I had just rewrote the conclusion when James stalked into our room. He let the door bang behind him, and his muzzle was taught with a frown. He flopped onto his bed and tugged off his shirt. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his body was completely closed off. Crossed arms, crossed legs, tail around his thigh, and a face etched with a harsh scowl.

I pretended to work for ten more minutes. Keeping my distance seemed like the best idea. James didn't say anything. He just breathed through his nose. I just kept watching him, and when he started to relax, I decided to break the ice. "Wanna talk about it." I had no idea what "it" was, but I figured he'd explain.

"I sorta got dumped."

"Sort of?"

"I mean, Helen and I weren't exactly dating, but we got into a fight. What really gets me about this was that it all started with rumor mongering."

"What do you mean? And for clarification, Helen is..."

"The owl you saw me with a few weeks ago."

"Ah. What do you mean rumor mongering?"

"One of our neighbors claimed that they heard the sounds of sex from our room last week."

"So... she jumped to conclusions."

"Yeah. I mean, I've had more than a few females in here, but never more than one at a time."

"But she assumed anyway."

James sat up and rested his elbows on his knees. "Yup. Called me a man-whore, slut, all that jazz. I'm just irritated because I wasn't able to defend myself, and the rumors were baseless anyway. It was a stupid reason to have a fight. It was embarrassing too, cause we were out in public. She just shouted and stalked off."

"Mmhmm..."

"Well, I guess we can just chalk it up as more data supporting the theory that I can't sleep with someone more than twice."

I looked away at this. James and I had certainly slept together twice, and his offhand jab at himself suddenly made me nervous. James was one of my best friends. I didn't want to lose our friendship over some idiotic fight. I wouldn't be opposed to spending another night with him, but not if it put what we already had in jeopardy.

"Do you think it's something wrong with me?" asked James. His face had lost its scowl, and instead was replaced by worry, or perhaps intense self-reflection.

"No." I said immediately. "I'd call it a bad luck, mostly."

"Mostly?" His blue eyes locked with mine. His gaze was inquiring more than accusatory, but it felt I never liked the feeling like I was the only one who held the answers someone desperately needed.

I couldn't maintain eye contact under James' gaze, and instead stared at his chest. I spoke carefully. "Well, I'm not in your head, so I dunno. It could be many things, but I don't know what it could be. I wish I could give you more answers"

"Thanks anyway."

We sat in silence again. "You know, James..." My words trailed off. I wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to say.

"What is it?"

"Whoever started the rumors... They might have heard, umm, us."

"What?"

"I'm not exactly a quiet person when I move around, especially when it comes to sex." I flinched internally. I was afraid that I was too blunt with this sensitive subject. My insides cringed again when I realized that I had still been staring at James' etched, dark chest ever since I broke eye contact with him. I hastily looked away.

"You know, that makes sense," muttered James. "I guess I was bedding two furs at once." He chuckled. We again sat in silence while my eyes and brain waged war as I attempted to not ogle my roommate and friend.

"James, do you wanna do... I dunno, something?"

James actually smiled. "You can look if you want. It feels nice. Not many people call me attractive."

I felt myself blushing so hard I was sure that it could've been seen under my fur. "Hey, James... would you um... I mean... uh... are you looking for a rebound?" The moment my words left my muzzle I shut my eyes and bit down on my lips so hard I thought I tasted blood. God. I'm such insensitive prick some days. Now was probably the worst time to ask for sex right now.

"Are you offering?"

Silence.

"Only if you're looking."

In one fluid motion, he stood up and slid his bed next to mine. Once the latches locked our beds together, he leaned down to kiss me on the cheek.He waited for me to place my computer on my desk before he leaned into my body and began to run his hands across me. I let out a small growl as I reached for the light switch.

I was already mostly stretched out on the bed already, but I slid down so that I was fully sprawled out on our beds. I let out another growl as soft hands slipped under the hem of my shirt and rolled it up my body. I began to work on his pants, and I managed to divest his sheath and balls before I raised my arms to allow my shirt to be pulled off my body. James raised his hips a few inches higher so that I could fully remove his pants and drawers.

I reached out one hand to trace the subtle lines of James' muscles hidden beneath the dark fur. I could never stop admiring how his body looked in moonlight, and I gripped his hips and pulled him closer to me. James' back curved down so that our muzzles could reach each other while he sat atop my belly, and his tail slowly wagged, brushing across the bulge of my still well wrapped package.

I knew I was just a rebound for James, but I didn't care, really. It didn't feel like rebound. The way he kissed my muzzle and cheek and neck, how his thumbs stroked my fur while his hands cradled my face, how he abstained from using his tongue and just reveled in being close to eachother.

That still didn't stop us from progressing. The seeds of lust had already been planted, and we both wanted the chance to revel in the shared passion of sex. My hands left James' body so that I could get my pants off of me, but our muzzles continued to work furiously. I took the initiative and drove my tongue into his maw, and I tasted traces of coffee as our tongues briefly tangled.

We were both leaking now, and my hands took his sheath in my hands and coaxed him out to a full erection. He moaned into my maw, and I groaned back when his hands tightened to grip fistfulls of fur and flab. My paws slid to James' rear, just below the tail. He had such an amazing butt. It was a subtle thing, transitioning from waist to cheek to thigh in a sexy but slender pass of my hand. I took his body and lowered it so his body was stretched across mine, and we ground our hips together, heedless of the mess we were making.

I felt our cocks pressed together as James reached down and squeezed us together, The other hand was still gripping my stomach. We both continued to grind, and I felt myself coming close to a messy finish. James was close to climax too. His back arched and his muzzle broke away from mine. His tongue was hanging out the side of his muzzle, and his panting was almost dog like. A pre-orgasmic spasm rocked my body before I reached up to run my fingers through his long, dark hair.

My only warning was a thrust of his hips and a low grunt before I got a hot double load straight to the face. James let out a low, pronounced groan before flopping on top of my body. He wasn't moving, but I took the opportunity to play with his hair for a bit while I licked my muzzle clean. After a minute or two, I stopped, waiting for James to take the initiative.

"You can hold me if you like," whispered James.

"hmm?"

"Last time... I was awake a lot earlier than you thought. It was nice to be held like that, so I let you. You don't have to be afraid."

I smiled to cover my embarrassment, but I couldn't deny a small swoop of elation that I wasn't the only one who wanted to continue our excursions.

"Sam?"

"Yes?"

"Will you satisfy my vain curiosity?"

"And what would that be?"

"Could I try, uh... topping you?"

My cock throbbed at the very thought. "err... yes, if you want. Umm... feral or missionary?"

"Will you turn around for me?"

I tried not to look too eager as I turned around on the beds and put my rump in the air. My stumpy little tail wiggled a little ,attracting the eye of my potential predator. "There's lube in my desk drawer."

James just nodded and found the little bottle right away. "So, uh... where do I put it. On me, or, well, in you."

"Just lube yourself," I said. "Same difference really."

There was a pause as I waited for James. I spread my legs a little wider, providing an opening for James. I shuddered a little as I felt his pointed tip enter my body.

"Did I do something wrong, Sam?"

"No. Lube's just cold, is all."

James slid himself inside me. His pace was slow, but surprisingly confident. He felt a lot bigger inside me, and his cock felt like a perfect fit inside. I ground my ass a little against his hips, and I nodded to provide James with permission. "Does that feel good."

"Yeah," muttered James. He put a hand on my hips for support, and he took a deep breath before beginning.

The first thrust was rough, rough enough for me to give out a low grunt, but I nodded, asking him to continue. James' hips were aimed slightly downward upon entry before being angled slightly upward as he withdrew. I moaned as I felt the pointed tip inside me, poking my insides in just the right way. My cock throbbed and balls churned while I leaked what felt like buckets onto my sheets.

James began to pick up speed as he became familiar with my body, and I could feel a half formed knot inside me as he continued to pound me. James suddenly collapsed onto my back as a spasm rocked his body, but he never missed a beat as he rammed me over and over. My ring cried protest as I felt the almost-full knot pass in and out of me, and I let out a longer, louder groan as James' arms wrapped around my belly.

Suddenly,James changed pace. His thrusts were faster, but more shallow, and I could feel a fully engorged knot pressing against my tailhole. One hand still grabbed fistfulls of my body, but the other reached down to stroke my thicker, shorter member. As I felt my body yearn for the impending climax, I felt wolf teeth sink into my shoulder. The bite was gentle, but firm: an act of claiming me as his.

We came together. James paused for a full second before smashing his body against mine, forcing a swollen knot inside of me. I felt my insides warm with the cum of my roommate as I shot a thick load across our beds. My knees gave way, and I flopped onto the mattress, with James falling on top of me.

I gasped in the afterglow, and a smile crept across my muzzle. But to my surprise, James' shoulders was shaking. Was he? No... certainly not. "James?"

No answer. I felt his knot deflate, and he withdrew his cock from my rear. I turned my head to get a look at James. He was crying. My sex muddled brain couldn't make heads or tails of the whole thing. "James..."

He couldn't look at me. "Sam... you're the first person that I've had sex with more than twice."

"Yes..."

"And... It's... It's sad that it... you're the one that I..."

My euphoria was gone in a flash. "Why is that sad?" I tried not to sound angry.

James stared at the wall. "Sam... I... I can't be gay. I just can't."

"Hrmph," I growled. "Considering you just had sex with a guy three times, calling yourself straight just means you're in denial."

'That's not what I-"

"Don't kid yourself, James. You're at least a four on the Kinsey scale. And that's pretty generous. I don't know how that test measured your reactions, but you're definitely not straight."

Silence.

"You knew about that?"

I bit my muzzle. God I was an idiot. I got out of the bed and pulled on gym shorts. "Yeah, I did. If you wanna pull the wool over your eyes, fine. You're perfectly straight, even though you had your dick was just up another guys ass."

James actually growled. "Don't be a smart ass. You aren't understanding what I'm saying."

"I understand perfectly," I spat. "I'm taking a shower. I think it would be best if one of us wasn't here when I get back."

James crossed his arms, but he just nodded. "Fine." His voice, his shoulders, his tail, his whole body seemed to sag. All the fight just drained out of him. I didn't care. I wasn't going to go soft on him now.

I showered in a haze of bitterness. Sad, was it? Sad that we fucked more than twice? Had he been unable to continue justifying our excursions as just experiments? I felt used. Taken advantage of. But then again, what could I expect from rebound sex? I got out of the stall and dried off. I felt no need to paw off tonight.

When I returned fifteen minutes later, James had split the beds, changed both our sheets, and had left with only his backpack. I checked the clock. It was running close to eleven. Still not that late. He would probably crash on Janis' couch. I didn't care really. I had lost my patience with James. I wondered how long he'd try to lie to himself, and I flopped onto my bed without pulling up the sheets. It was too hot for that tonight. I took my pills dry and turned on my bed so that my face got a blast from the fan. My irritation faded as my pills coaxed me towards sleep, but as the red haze of anger faded away, the only thing that it left was a pallid, grey emptiness.