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Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if things turn out differently. Usually I'm not much of a thinker myself, but I guess it's natural for a cat to be curious. I'm a Tygrif, and this family name makes other people who recognise it change their behaviour towards me.

And I fucking hate it.

I hate it because I don't rely on it. I don't want people to treat me differently. You may think it's a privilege but I swear it's more of a burden. Being a Tygrif meant that you must perform with standards. You can fail, they will not mind on the outside; but they will mock you behind your back. My parents know that very well, and took great efforts to groom me. But they can never stop people from judging me simply from a stupid family name.

It is a fact that there will always be people trying to bring you down. But with that unwanted added fame, the number of people simply multiplies. I guess that was why my dad made me train hard physically when I was young to defend myself. My dad has always been saying 'A Tygrif must be strong.' since I can ever remember anything, and I fucking hated it. Why do I have to go through so much more effort compared to other kids? Why do they get to play around while I slog away learning more skills for my 'own good'? I never understood why other than 'because you're a Tygrif', which never made sense or justify the extra work.

Being a child, I almost had no say in everything... so I continued learning without ever understanding why. But I'm not the brightest tiger around here; my results for numerous test, be it music lessons, art lessons or just normal school subjects, I couldn't be first for anything. At least I pass most of them, but it doesn't seem enough. I know it when I saw their look of disappointment. They might say to try better next time with a smile, but I knew better. I hate to disappoint my parents, but at the same time I simply couldn't be the best, why do I even have to be in the first place? It was not as though I didn't want to be first, I just... can't.

But I continued working to be the best anyway. My parents weren't about to cut me some slack because I can't be the best. In fact, it was the opposite. I had even more work to go through. Tests after tests, I still never got first. The closest was being third in class, and that was good for me. I was grinning like a cheshire when passing the final year report to them for their signatures, but my smile faltered on the look of their faces. Apparently good was still not enough. I had to be the best. I was only seven.

During those classes, my parents never guided me with any subject. They had their work to do while I had to figure things out with my teacher in charge. The amount of time I've spent with my parents were so little, I don't know if I ever remembered spending quality time with them.

Year after year, the never ending cycle of work continued. I may not be aware of it, but the emotions were building up in my tiny self. I had no such thing as nap time, I couldn't play with others outside, I had meagre amount of toys to play with, and almost all of them were word building games like scrabbles or upwards. Eventually the frustration began to rise for being a failure to be the best even after all that stupid studying. I felt tired, stupid, meaningless and confused. At that moment I was still unable to identify these feelings, much less expressing my concerns to anyone, so it was always left unnoticed. Before I knew it, I had already begun to shut the world out from me. I didn't openly rebel my parents of course, but communication between us just fell... silent.

I guess what kept me from going down to who knows where was when my dad taught me how to fight. He personally taught me how to deal punches and to defend myself, and gave me a punching bag to practise on. That was one of the areas that I can actually excel in. Maybe I was just venting all my frustration on fighting, but this is one of the very few times where my dad actually praised me. At that point of time their words of encouragement were already unable to touch me anymore. All I knew was that I had most control over myself when I'm in combat. So whenever I felt confused I would kick and hit the bag with full force. Under my father's guidance and the bottled emotions, I became strong and powerful. I can vividly remember the first time when I tore the bag off the ceiling with a single fluid punch. I was elated inside, but I also felt something amiss. I remember looking down at my clenched paw and asked myself, "What am I actually becoming?"

The bag was actually a breaking point for me. Sometimes life is just that coincidental, because the next day I started noticing how short of a temper I have grown. I guess I was so caught up in following learning schedules that my parents forged since the day I can remember. I never had a chance to take a good look at myself. I had to punch a bag off the wall for me to wake up my mind that was numb from my everyday life and started self-reflecting.

For the first time since forever, I had self-awareness. I had been more of a quiet cub and my anger had always been my first line of defence. I was fairly shocked on what I have habitually grown to become. My patience tended to grow thin when I'm interrupted by my peers during school times. I believe that was why I have a very small circle of friends. Who wanted to befriend a tiger that gets angry so easily?

I guess the only redeeming part of everything then was that I have not gotten into fights yet. Looking into the mirror I found a white tiger that has grown larger than most of the other kids around... I wouldn't try to provoke him.

In conclusion, I realised that I was becoming a bulky, grumpy white tiger with anger issues. I did not like what I've become. It was not that I hated myself, but more of being... scared of myself. I knew that I was no hero; none of them on TV or books acted like me. I... I had all the traits of a monster instead.

I did not know what to do, and I had little opportunity to talk with anyone. My parents were always busy and working, and my temper has got me little friends. I could only keep my thoughts all inside or vent it out my bag.

At that point of time, it also seemed as though my parents have given up on me being first. They stopped signing me to all sorts of classes. Maybe they were letting me take charge of my own life at my age, or they were simply too busy after I've shown some form of independence from our communication distance. I was relieved to have fewer classes, but it also made me a little lost at the additional free time that I had. There were not much people that I could hang out with, so I took the time to ponder about things that I never had time to think about before...

Sometimes I wondered if my parents actually did care about what was going on to me. I mean, sure, they do celebrate my birthday and some other holidays, but that seemed to be all. Was I being greedy to ask for more? Do my classmates' families do the same as mine? I could never understand why some people could be so excited for a festive celebration with their family. I... I had never felt that way before. As much as I hated how my family structure was, I chose to believe that my parents had their reasons, and I was too young to find out. There was no way I could change my family to begin with.

All these continued on until I entered senior high school. I had a new class with new people to interact with. It was an opportunity, but I'm also afraid that no one will like to be friends with me. I was half excited and half dreading when I met Jo and Typh.

I happened to sit beside Typh in class, who seem uninterested in almost everything and spoke only mostly to the grey wolf next to him. There was loads of commotion as everyone got to know each other. I managed to say a few 'hi's here and there, but it wasn't anything much because they didn't seem inclined to stay too long around me. I could hear fidgeting among the pair beside me before I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turn to see Typh with a rather forced grin and his paw outstretched.

"My name's Typh, and that's Jo beside me," he said with a friendly tone, "What's yours?"

"Jin," I answered and shook the offered paw.

Jo leapt forward from Typh's back with a large smile at my response, "Heya! So what hobbies do you have?"

I stopped as I ponder about his question. "Er... Boxing?" I replied with whatever I could come up with. Typh raised his eyebrows while Jo said, "Boxing? Oh wow, have you ever won a competition?"

"Competition?" I echoed, "Oh no, I don't do it competitively... Just an interest of mine. Sometimes I spar with my dad, but most of the time it just hitting my punching bag."

"I see," Jo replied, "I just thought... Hah, it's just your size and all, you know?"

"It's okay," I said, hesitating before adding, "Er.. H-How about you? What do you two like to do?"

The both of them looked at each other for a moment then Typh shrugged and Jo swapped seats with him. That was the start of my very first true friendship.

-

So from then on, I began to hang out more with them. I do respect their friendship and gave them some space by hanging out with others in the class. Jo was more of the one talking to me and he introduced me to others in the class. He tried to do the same to Typh, but Typh didn't seem too willing to mix in. Maybe he was shy?

But Jo still tried anyway. The three of us stuck together as we explored the new environment. I found myself actually relaxing and socializing with different groups of people. I thank him for helping me know more friends than I would ever have alone, including the gym friends like Rico and his gang. Slowly and surely, my shell began to break and I never felt more happy and alive. Jo and I quickly became good friends and were also spotters for each other.

Sometimes I wonder if Typh was okay with what was going on, I felt like I was taking Jo's attention away from him. But they never seemed to have any problems with me... Typh was just being quiet as always. I found that he was either very shy or simply couldn't care about the world around him. A loner, aloof feeling came from him. I realised that he was being very much like... me, or at least the previous me. His behaviour piqued my interest in him. Not every day you find someone that you can relate to. I know that if it was me, I want someone to help me out; just like how Jo helped me. And so my attention began to shift towards that curious blue wolf.

Jo was that blue wolf's best friend, so naturally the clues will have to start from there... but it felt kind of rude to not ask him directly. I tried to approach him, but the progress was very little, partially because Jo was kind of like... shielding him. My good buddy seemed to always help divert attention off the blue wolf when someone approached Typh to ask something more personal. Like when someone ask if Typh is having a bad day being so quiet, Jo would cut in that he's just tired. Typh never answered the questions himself. I wanted to ask Jo why he was being like that, but I didn't want to hurt our friendship that was built not long ago. While it is true that Jo and I are very good friends, we are still foreign to each other when it comes to personal matters. Sometimes we share certain small things of our personal lives, but I've never told him bigger things like my childhood. Perhaps it takes time to get to know each other more for me, but for them, it was certain that Typh and Jo knew each other inside out. They were best friends to each other, and from what I could see, I knew that Jo wasn't about to tell me about Typh if I asked. So I had to find out everything by myself.

With all the school work and my attempt at expanding my circle of friends, I had little time to find out about Typh. Weeks turned to months into a year before I realised it. I was very annoyed at the lack of progress and I wasn't about to let myself fail. Maybe it's something instilled in me since young, but that was the case.

I increased my efforts in talking to him even though each conversation never lasted very long. Jo never asked me to back off anyway, so I just continued with my mission. Unknowingly, the idea of knowing Typh began to swarm my mind. Perhaps it is just curiosity of what's happening to Typh, but if he was in a similar situation with me, I think it was worth every effort to know him. I never had anyone to share about my past; I had never found anyone who could relate to me. Typh might be the first person that I would ever find; I'm not going to just let him disappear.

I think because of that, I started to grow obsessed with the blue wolf. I just enjoyed knowing things about him, and I couldn't wait to know more. It made me want to hang around him and talk to him more. I kind of felt that my... obsession is a little too much, considering he is male, but I didn't let it bother me. I'm not going to stop myself over such a small matter, and no one has been saying anything.

And one day, I actually found him in school without Jo. On top of his usual uninterested self, there was sadness in his behaviour. Did something happen to him? Has he reached a breaking point from his bottled feelings?

He was even more quiet than usual. When someone asked him about Jo, he gave a fake smile and said that the grey wolf was probably sick or something. I decided to give him space that day, thinking that he probably wouldn't want to talk to anyone on a bad day. But when school ended on that day, I felt that I should do something. Wasn't that the chance I was looking for?

I tapped him on the shoulder and asked him if everything was okay. When he turned, I could see that he was shocked to see me. He struggled hard to find an answer for me, and I couldn't bear to put him in such a situation. I don't expect him to open up to me immediately anyway, so I decided to leave the matter as it is. At least there was a start between us, right?

The next day I decided to take the initiative to sit beside him. I didn't see Jo arrive yet anyway, so why not? He didn't mind when I took the seat beside him, he even said so. I took it as a sign to continue and I told him that if he ever needed help, he could approach me. He never argued back on that, so I guess that was okay.

I was very happy that he never rejected my advances. I figured it was okay to continue to get close with him, so I began to boldly hang out with Typh. Of course, hanging out with Typh meant hanging out with Jo, but I don't see a problem with that, considering how Jo and I are good friends. It was fun hanging around them; they have quite the chemistry as friends despite their character differences. I don't know if it's a natural thing or if it's because they have known each other for a very long time. I noticed that when I started to stick with them more often. I remember once when during a test, the both of them were dozing off while I look at them with a raised eyebrow. Eventually I woke them up with much laughter, and Typh didn't seem too happy about that. He actually reached out for my own tail. I was very surprised and shocked at his gesture; no one has ever touched my tail like that. He sparked a feeling that I've never felt before. I don't know how to describe it, but it is neither good nor a bad feeling. I felt my fur stand in response and my defences in my mind rising up quickly at the foreign feeling.

The feeling came as quickly as it went. It was a simple tug before he released my tail. I was relieved but at the same time I felt disappointed. Some part of me actually liked it. I didn't want to think much about it, but I could safely say that it did make me want to be with Typh even more. Not only was he someone that could understand me, but he was also making me feel all these... new feelings.

Like it wasn't confusing enough for a poor tiger like me, I met Kayla while clubbing a few days after. I've never been to one, so I thought why not? They had all sorts of names for their drinks which was pretty amusing. I just wanted to relax and have a drink while entertaining my friends. My friends were doing almost the same, but with more flirting and dancing with other girls on the floor. Eventually they noticed me not doing anything much, especially those who got rejected. In their goodwill, they tried to get me hyped up. One lead to another, and suddenly I was talking to Kayla, a tigress that was possibly the hottest girl around. She had been eyeing on me and rejecting everyone else. I was surprised until I found out that she recognises my family name. Between our species, it was quite common for them to recognise my family name. I don't know what kind of impression she had on my family name. I played it safe and went along with her. After talking for a while, I realised that she wasn't that arrogant of a person. She was simply curious about me, and seemed to like me not just because of my family. She was also playful, dragging me on to the dance floor to move to the beat. I moved awkwardly at first due to my inexperience, but she just laughed it off and even encouraged me. At some point of time with the alcohol and music, I remembered being pulled into a kiss. I wanted to break it immediately; it was like a reflex even though it was Kayla. But I stopped myself since Kayla had been nothing but nice to me. I felt her paw crawling downwards to I don't know where, that's when I reach out to grab her paw gently and divert her attention by breaking the impromptu kiss. To think that was my first too! It doesn't count if I don't mean it, right?

Whatever it was, I managed to regain control of myself and continued my stay in the club. Kayla and I talked with some jealous looks from my friends, but all we did in the end was to exchange contacts.

The next morning, I woke up in shock as I remembered the times in the club. I knew it was Kayla that I've made out with, but I couldn't explain my nerves panicking. I shouldn't be feeling like that, right? Kayla was a good girl and all, so what's wrong with me? Why am I not celebrating and being happy like when I was with Typh and Jo?

Typh.

The thought of him made me scared. Why do I feel happier being with him than her? W-was I what they called... gay?

It has been a while before I felt so lost. I needed help, and the first person that came up to my mind was the one who help me get out of my shell in the first place, Jo. I stopped as I wonder if I'm overreacting to this, but after a day the feeling did not pass. I simply fuck it and sent out a text to meet him urgently.

I talked to Jo about it, and he didn't make me feel any better about Kayla. Although he did tell me that it's alright if I end up liking males. H-he didn't seem particularly pleased when I told him about Typh. Of course, I just admitted liking his best friend. He said that it's all cool, but the look on his muzzle... I shouldn't be like this. I should stick with Kayla and not forgo any other friendship that I've built. She did end up contacting me to meet, so I guess that was a sign.

I thought having decided would make things alright, but I was wrong. No matter what I did, there was this nagging feeling in the back of my head. I've never thought I would sink so far about Typh. I couldn't just let that go. It was conflicting and confusing. It was like being back to my old self knowing nothing about me.

It didn't help one bit when days later Jo told me that he liked Typh himself. When I first heard him saying it, I was so fucking angry. It was like why the fuck didn't you tell me earlier? It was like a betrayal, but at the same time it didn't seem like his fault. I was so angry and confused that I was blinded with rage. For the first time I threw a punch towards a friend. When the fist connected and he retaliated, there was no way I could stop myself. We ended up having a brawl and all that violence was messy. I don't know if things between us could go even worse than this. I tried to gain back some control of myself, and that was when Typh came calling after us. He tried to stop us, but I was still so angry at what Jo was doing. It was as though he's denying me from Typh by having the blue wolf first and all that hiding? I mean, what the hell was that for? Couldn't he have told me earlier? It was so rude of him!

With all that adrenaline, I lunged forward for grapple him. I couldn't understand why Jo was treating me like this and anger was an easy defence. Typh lobbed glass bottles in response and somehow it let to my confession to him.

But he didn't take it nicely. That look of disbelieve he had... It was like all my plans of advancement just backfired on me. I wanted to apologise and ask him to forget everything I said, but he ran away from us and got into an accident. I was so scared that he would lose his life just like that. Fuck, I have not even done anything with him; I haven't even get to know him. Jo was just as frantic as I was while we rushed him to the hospital for treatment. In our arms, I felt that Typh was so small and fragile. It's not just Typh, but a life in general could be so easily extinguished. All that dreams, all that future could just disappear forever in a blink of an eye. Jo was trembling the entire time as we hoped for the best for Typh.

I was so guilty at what happened then. If I have not been so rash things wouldn't turn up this way. He wouldn't be lying there fighting for his life. I would still be able to continue knowing more about him. The doctor told us that he would be fine, but waiting for him to wake up was just agonising. I hate that I was a strong Tygrif and yet I couldn't do anything to help him. I'm supposed to be strong; I'm supposed to be able to protect him. But why...

The best I could do was only to watch over him, rotating shifts with Jo. Does that make us rivals now? I don't know much about love, but there was definitely a connection there. Jo had a time advantage, and I don't know how much they have progressed. But if Typh was willing to try, I would, too. There was no way I would give up on Typh now. I didn't want to lose him like this again. I would protect him; I would protect the blue wolf that had a special place in my heart.

I was still trying to sort out my feelings while having a cup of coffee when the call came to inform that Typh was awake. I was so relieved and happy to hear that, I even toss the remaining coffee away as I ran back to the hospital to his ward. Seeing him awake was like getting the best gift ever. I was so happy that I wanted to just hold him. But seeing how he was still prone to injuries, I stopped myself.

Typh kept on telling us that it was never our fault. He insisted that there was no one to blame and neither Jo or I would want to argue with a patient. But Typh's argument does make sense. With him awake, I felt the lethargy kick in. I was so tense the entire time that I've forgotten how tired I was. I didn't even know when I fell asleep on his bed.

Over the next few days, we had to go back to school. Our friends did ask us but we only gave them the simplified version the incident. Getting separated from Typh also gave us opportunities to talk together. We haven't said much since the time of accident, and it was quite awkward to begin. I don't know what there was to say to Jo after all that confusion and commotion... I believe Jo felt the same way. The ice still had to be broken one way or another, and Jo thought the same way too because when I wanted to talk to him, he apologised first before words could come out from my muzzle.

He admitted to me that it was selfish of him to be like that. He was surprised and afraid to hear that I was after Typh, who coincidentally was the one Jo wanted too. He knew that keeping that a secret was a concoction for disaster, but he didn't want to lose to me either. It was kind of funny to me when I first heard it from him. I thought I was the only one who was into other males. Turns out Jo and Typh had the same interest too! And there I was worrying about being accepted for liking males.

Anyway, I also apologised back for being impatient and attacking him. I was deeply regretful of my actions, but I wasn't going to give on about Typh just like that. Jo looked as though he wanted to argue about Typh, but turned his muzzle away. This was the first time Jo looked so defeated.

"I- I," he said, "No, perhaps you're the only one..."

"Sorry?" I asked. Whatever he was saying didn't make sense.

"Would you swear to protect him?" the grey wolf asked, "No matter what happens even if it costs your life?"

"Of course," I replied, "That goes without saying. Why?"

"I think he might be better off with you, Jin. You have been a great buddy... If there's anyone I could trust Typh with, it would be you," he said with his ears flat.

"But why are you saying this?" I asked.

"I have failed to protect him again, Jin. This isn't the first time I've failed. How can I be his mate like this? But you, you're bigger and stronger than I am. You're a Tygrif, you can protect and love him so much more..." Jo confessed, "As much as I want Typh, I have to think for his well-being. I'm simply not qualified and I trust you."

"Aren't you gonna fight for him? How can you just give up like that?" I said with gritted teeth.

"You don't understand okay?!" Jo growled at me, "You think I enjoy giving him up? You don't know how it feels to fail again and again! If I could, I would do it. But I can't. So you have to promise me that you will take care of him!"

He grabbed my collar and pulled, forcing me to face his tear soaked muzzle. "Promise me," he whispered while baring his fangs.

"I will protect Typh Connor with my life," I said with all my heart, "But that doesn't let you drop all your responsibilities. You will stay with us and protect him together. You will because you can, and you can because you will. I will give you time to get your grip back, but until then I will do my best. Don't you dare run away; I know that Typh would be devastated."

His grip grew slack and his tail drooped down. "I'm not doing this to torture you, buddy," I added, "You need to get back on your own feet, and it is a fact that Typh would be hurt if you left. Maybe you would thank me next time, but as of now..."

"I understand," he whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Don't say that," I replied, "You've done nothing wrong. Just stay with us, buddy."

"Thank you," he said softly.

"Enough with this depressing mood," I said, "Anyway, Typh still has the final say to everything. Should he choose you, you will not reject him, alright? I will be here to support you."

Jo simply nodded.

The next day was the day where Typh would be discharged. Jo agreed to come along with me. I don't know what is going to happen among the three of us, but I hope that nothing bad will happen. I met Jo earlier before heading up to the ward. His mom was already there and seemed surprised to see us. We greeted her as the left the ward to do the paperwork. Typh was packing up his clothes and everything while we tried to help as much as we could. Eventually Typh finished packing up and I looked at Jo, who seemed to understand my intentions.

"You know... so we- we have been wondering... what will become of us?"