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Kaeden's Commitment

by Draugr

Chapter XXIV: And In My Hour Of Darkness

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This work is licensed under aCreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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Kaeden sat in his nursery, staring down at the clothing he'd worn over a year ago after leaving the bar and getting in a wreck. He could barely remember that dog - almost as if he was a different person now. Not just figuratively, but literally.

The past two weeks had passed much more quickly than he would have liked. Although he'd made progress and no longer had to worry about messy accidents, wet diapers were going to be a part of his future, at least on the short-term. Although he'd grown to enjoy being Ashleigh's puppy during his year-plus long stay, the prospect of needing diapers for the rest of his life wasn't one he wanted to entertain. He'd at least hoped his accidents would be small enough by this point that he could simply wear pull-ups - which he noted, as he turned in the mirror - would be much less noticeable under his jeans.

Not that Kaeden's jeans made it terribly obvious he was wearing a diaper, but anyone looking close enough for long enough would be able to tell. He figured most people weren't going to be out and about to stare at his crotch, but, still, the particulars of his unique relationship with Ashleigh were something he'd prefer to keep as private as possible. Potty-training was going to be a high priority once he was out on his own.

His dark-green t-shirt and belt followed after that, as well as his comfortable, well-worn sneakers. He adjusted his collar, removing the pacifier that had been tethered there for so long now. The accessory almost felt_wrong_, now, without that added reassuring weight to it, slight as it was. He looked down at the collar he'd worn when he'd first come to Ashleigh's home, but decided against wearing it. His puppy collar wasn't_obviously_different from his own, and while the change in attire was welcome, it still felt abrupt and sudden.

Satisfied that he at least didn't appear_obviously_as a puppy, he then turned to his suitcase. In it, were his gifts from the party. Most of the dinosaur-themed diapers Alex had given him - Ashleigh hadn't been sure where to find diapers with infantile prints outside the program, so he had insisted on saving most of them for when he wanted to mentally regress. Consequentially, only two were used up. The onesies Ashleigh had given him were in there, as well.

At the time he hadn't believed her that he'd actually_want_to continue the puppy behavior once graduated, but now, faced with the prospect of Ashleigh no longer being around, it was a comforting thought. The building blocks Rashid had given him were in there as well. He was finally allowed to open and play with them during the past two weeks - Ashleigh insisted they were a choking hazard for such 'young puppies' and hadn't allowed him to play with them before getting his graduation letter. The pacifier from Alex was there as well - sitting right on top of the box of chocolates Lily had given him. Ashleigh had actually permitted him to try a piece on a couple occasions, but he'd steadfastly refused, wanting instead to share the box when he next met Lily as a functional adult.

He zipped up the case, and then grabbed Ikici. The stuffed wolf hadn't been as necessary a companion to him as it would for a 'real' puppy, but nevertheless, he'd grown to like the plush's comforting presence, and suspected it might be more than welcome the first night he was sleeping without a motherly Pyrenees next door.

Closing the nursery door, he walked down the hallway - taking each step slower than the one before. His diaper rustled loudly in the silence, but he was brooding too deeply to notice. Today was going to be bittersweet. He was comfortable with all the tasks he'd need to do now as an independent dog - making his own food, deciding his own choices, and of course, changing his own diapers, among other things. Still, his caregiver had been a welcome and comforting force in his life for many months, and parting with her would not be easy.

"Hey, Kaeden," Ashleigh said softly, as he rounded the corner.

"I'm really going to miss you, Ashleigh," he said. As part of his independence 'training,' Kaeden had agreed to avoid calling his caregiver 'Mommy.' Ashleigh missed hearing it, and it was very hard for Kaeden to do, but it was still necessary.

"I see you've got Ikici," she said, gently petting the top of his head.

"Yeah, I was, you know, hoping I could take him? I mean, I know he's yours, but-"

"Shush, Kaeden," Ashleigh said. "Ikici hasn't been mine since you first named him."

"I guess, yeah," he said. "It seems kind of childish to still have an attachment to a plushie, though."

"Being independent doesn't mean you can't be childish, Kaeden. It just means you have to be able to live without being_wholly_dependent on another person for basic needs. I'm very confident you can do that now."

A few moments of silence passed, before Kaeden dropped his luggage and the stuffed wolf, throwing himself at Ashleigh and embracing her in a hug. He tried to hide his tears in Ashleigh's shoulder, but his caregiver knew what was happening. She hugged him back, holding him, letting him cry until the sobs subsided.

"I'm so confused, Mommy," he said, slipping back into his normal term for the Pyrenees. Ashleigh did not correct him, sensing he needed to express himself. "I'm happy that I'm better, and that I can live on my own... but I still don't want to leave you. There's so many things I don't have answers to yet."

"Oh, Kaeden, there will be an answer. Let it be." Ashleigh paused a few moments for the Shepherd to get a few more stifled sobs out, before pulling back and wiping his eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. "I'll never be entirely gone. You know that. You have my number, and you can call me whenever you want. And I'm still holding to my promise of letting you visit, once enough time has passed."

Kaeden nodded, and stepped back, wiping the side of his muzzle with the back of his paw.

"I know this is supposed to be happy, but it feels like...the dark, before the dawn. I just gotta do it, and then...I can do this. I'm ready, Ashleigh," he said, straightening up and strengthing his resolve. "Can I go say goodbye to Sonia, first?" he asked.

"Of course," she said, nodding wisely. Kaeden headed down the hall in the other direction to the playroom. As he entered, Sonia stood up, rushing toward him, giving him a tight hug.

"I'm really gonna miss you, bro," she said. In the past two weeks the arctic fox had really warmed up to the Shepherd, and even to Ashleigh. Although she still didn't accept her need to be in the program, and still put up a passive resistance, she was at least accepting her current reality - life as a one-year-old fox kit.

"I'm going to miss you too. But I'll come visit if I'm able, if you're still here when Ashleigh lets me come back."

"I'm sure I will be," she said. "They don't show any signs of letting me go any time soon."

Kaeden smiled, laughing a little. "And as I've told you many times,_you_have to let_yourself_go. It's your transformation, not theirs."

"I know. I guess I still just don't get it... but I'm glad you're happy with it all, I suppose. Are you gonna sue them since you still gotta wear diapers?" she added, grinning.

"It's that obvious?" he said, wincing.

"It's not that bad," she replied. "But I'm sort of in a position to notice more readily than anyone else," she added, looking down and grimacing at her own slightly wet diaper.

"I can probably get Ashleigh to change you on my way out, if you want?" Kaeden offered.

"Nah," Sonia said. "I'm used to it by now, it's really not so bad. Besides, you said she likes it better when we wait to be checked. I gotta play their game to win, right?"

Kaeden nodded.

"I'm serious, though, aren't you mad? You're still a baby."

"I'm not a baby just because I still need diapers, Sonia. I'm working on that. And I'm not going to sue them after all they've done for me. You'll see when you get to where I'm at. I know you don't get it now, but you will."

"You're so weird," she said. "But you're the best weird big brother I've ever had, I guess. Thanks for, y'know, being here for me."

The two shared a quick hug, and said their goodbyes. Having already said his goodbyes to Ashleigh, Kaeden enjoyed a quick parting with her as well, before he was let outside to walk - not be led - to Rashid's car.

He started to get into the back before the Rottweiler stopped him.

"What are you doing?" he asked, grinning.

"Oh... uh, sorry, reflex, I guess. Used to having to get in the puppy seat and all," he blushed. He closed the back door, and got in the front, and they were soon out of Ashleigh's drive, and up on the highway.

"So, I've got some diapers for you in the trunk. Ashleigh mentioned you hadn't made any progress on getting re-trained for number one, so I figure pull-ups are probably a ways off for you."

Kaeden nodded, folding his ears back and looking down into his lap.

"Hey, man, it's okay," Rashid said, reaching across the center console to place a large paw on the Shepherd's shoulder. "It'll take time, but it'll happen. Trust me."

"How would you know?" Kaeden asked.

Rashid grinned. "Like I told you before, most of us henchmen are former charges."

"Oh, yeah. How long did it take you, then?"

"I had to wear diapers for about a week after I graduated, and another two weeks until I felt safe without wearing one at night, but it didn't take long. Granted, I was only in the program for three and a half months. It will take you longer, Kaeden, but you'll get the hang of it."

"Sorry if I'm being too nosy about that," the Shepherd apologized. He was, after all, talking about the Rottweiler's bathroom habits - a rather personal matter. "I just don't know what to expect now that I'm... grown-up, again, I guess."

Rashid shook his head. "I don't mind. I'm more than happy to talk with you, and I certainly prefer this to how we started off."

"Me too," Kaeden said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck.

Despite his uncertainty, he didn't feel comfortable asking anymore questions, and they didn't talk again for another twenty minutes until they began getting closer to the Shepherd's hometown. His stomach was too busy tying itself in knots. Not only was he growing more uncomfortable the further away he got from Ashleigh, he was returning to a place that had only bad memories for him. The last time he was here, he wasn't even the same Shepherd.

"Nervous about coming back?" Rashid asked. "Don't worry. Just because you've graduated doesn't mean Chainbreakers is just going to cut you loose. There's still a big support network for you with us, and you have both my number and Ashleigh's if you need more personal help.

"As for the other stuff, you weren't employed when you were initiated, but we can still help place you with a new job, if necessary. We've also kept your home payments up to date, so I can still return you to your house if you like. However, your father may want to see you as well."

Kaeden hesitated, unsure. Although cured of his problems, discussion of the Shepherd's father hadn't been a common topic, and he still harbored lingering but disconnected feelings of irritation toward the older male.

"I_want_to be alone for awhile," Kaeden said. "But I think I_need_to see my dad."

"Very well," Rashid said. "Do you want to drop off your things at your place first?"

Kaeden thought, then shook his head. "I've got a lot to talk about with my dad. I'm probably going to stay the night, if he'll let me."

"From what I have heard of your father, Kaeden, he would love nothing more. You know, his only fault was wanting to be there for you too much."

Kaeden smirked. "I know. I get why I wasn't fair to him. It's just hard to let go of that when you've let it all build up for years."

"I know that all too well, Kaeden."

"Why? What exactly_did_happen to you?" the Shepherd asked curiously, wondering about Rashid's time spent in the program.

"That's a tale that will take longer than we have left," the Rottweiler said, turning down a street Kaeden recognized from his childhood. His house was near the end. "And a private one. You'll just have to guess at that, Kaeden."

A few minutes later, they rolled to a stop in front of a modestly-sized ranch-style house. Kaeden sat in the front seat, hunched over, eyes closed.

"You okay?" the Rottweiler asked, concerned.

"Fine," Kaeden replied. "Just readying myself. I haven't talked face to face with my dad in several years."

"Take all the time you need," he said.

However, Kaeden didn't need much more than a couple minutes before readying himself. He got his suitcase, his stuffed wolf, and another suitcase stocked full of the diapers Rashid had mentioned. The Rottweiler said he could return the case the next time he visited Ashleigh.

They had their own quick parting - marked by a handshake and a quick shoulder-hug - before Kaeden was left at his father's doorstep, belongings beside him. He fiddled around for a bit, checked his watch several times. After he saw '11:07' for the third time, he finally got fed up with his own delaying tactics. With great trepidation, he lifted a paw to ring the doorbell.

He had to ring it a second time before he finally heard movement within the house. The door opened, and a tall, stocky German Shepherd walked forward to fill the doorway. He had a bit of grey fur creeping in around his muzzle and the tips of his ears, and he wore a look of pleased surprise.

"Kaeden?!"

"Hey, Dad," he said. "Can I come in?"