FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

He drifted amongst the stars. For how long he did not know, but he drifted. It might have been centuries, or maybe millennia had passed. Perhaps it was only seconds or minutes. Time seemed immeasurable at this point. It seemed as though eternities passed, and continued passing, yet also it seemed as though only seconds passed. Time had ceased to exist in his mind.

His home was gone. He knew that. There was nothing left but particles of dust and some shards of rock, drifting aimlessly in space just as he was. The only difference was that he could think and they could not. They did not realize that they had been blown to pieces from their original places, that they now hovered, suspended, in the infinite void that was space. They could not understand the crushing realization that never again would they be able to see or feel their home. Or maybe they could? After all, they did make up the entire existence of their home, so they did carry little pieces of their home with them wherever they went. Maybe they would even clump together to create a new home, or they might find a new home. He did not know.

Even now everything seemed so, so far away, as if the event had happened so long ago... It seemed now as though it was just a dull blow, a fading sting, or even just the memory of such. He stared into space, wondering how this all happened. How could it happen? Everything was going well, and now... Now his world, his home, was gone. Blown apart by... by what? He had difficulty remembering now. He searched his mind, looking for the reason, while he drifted through space.

After a while, perhaps another eternity had passed, he realized all he was doing was staring into vacant space, and he tried again to remember. His home... blown apart... What caused it? It was some time before the answer came to him. It was his fault. Perhaps that is why he had so much difficulty recalling? Because it was his own pride and recklessness that resulted in this, the destruction of his home? It was of little matter now. There was little he could do about it now. And as much as he tried to continue remembering he could not. Even now his mind swam with the words, "Your fault... Your fault... This was all your fault..." and he cringed. He cringed away from the words. He tried to push them away, for they hurt the most. They filled his mind. They taunted him.

"No," he mumbled. "No, please... Hear me out, it wasn't my fault... No..." He said such utterances constantly, and all the time the words "Your fault..." mocked him, drove him to tears, so that eventually he was blubbering incessantly. He even lost track of what he was saying, so insistent were those two, terrible words in his mind.

When next he came to, even though he had never slept, he found himself silent, unable to see through the dried tears and unable to speak from his raw throat. So he remained there for what might have been several more eternities. He did not move to clear away the crusted tears over his face and eyes, or to rub his aching throat. He simply looked past the dried tears at the universe, gazing at the stars and galaxies, so beautiful in their own right, and yet even as he watched them slowly spin around him, he saw nothing, for so immersed in his mind was he.

Perhaps several more eternities passed, but he did not care. His home was lost. He had caused it. Not directly, he realized now, but it was his fault nonetheless, and he was solely responsible. It was not for others to take his place in the matter, to take the blame. It was his fault. And even as he realized this, his breath grew faint, and his eyes became heavy. He grew cold in the depths of space. Perhaps this was death? he wondered. If so he welcomed it, if to escape from this maddening place, so he could achieve peace, finally.