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                To many

folks, being good was a goal to be aspired to. On Mudge's world, this was

looked on as stupid and weak. He lived his life by a lot of rules, not the

least being "do unto others before the do you." It should come as no surprise

that this philosophy led him into many strange adventures, a few of which we

have already covered. It's hard to pick which one might top the others. This

one might come close to his crowning glory. It definitely trumped his fellows.

                The

Thieves' Guild was in rare form this night. Booze was flowing freely, as were

egos, tongues and blood. One thing led to another, and the talk turned to

females. It soon became a contest to see who had screwed the strangest member

of the other sex.

                Grinna

the raccoon shouted out. "I once laid a wayward weasel from Bortweadil!"

                The

others shouted him down. "There ain;t nothing special bout no weasel!"

                "Well,

she were tied to a tree at the time!"

                Lokkem

the puma guffawed. "Most of me gals is usually tied to something. That don't

make the women special."

                "Fine,

what's your best story?"

                The

puma sat and thought. "If it's got a hole, I'll nail it. Can't say that I can

think of anything weird. Then again, come to think of it there was Peerly."

                "Peerly?"

                "Aye,

Peerly. She were a manatee. Got herself caught up in some stray rope down at

the harbor in Genwallen. I waded in and she was all thankful like. Funny for

her I was only interested  because she

was already trussed up.  Dragged her to

shore and looped them ropes around a tree. Had me way with her for a good two

hours."

                The

raccoon seemed appalled. "You left her there?"

                "I

ain't no killer, you stinking little fluff tail. I rounded up me buds and I

told the last ones to be done with her to throw her back. That's the way I

roll!"

                The

raccoon made a face but said nothing more.

                Another

voice kicked up. "I once raped me a virgin rat!"

                That

brought down loads of derision. "Afhor, you know there ain't no such thing as a

virgin rat. There own papa's take care of that the day they're born!" This

elicited a room full of laughs. Rats were considered worthless creatures and so

they could be made fun of (or worse) without fear of retribution.

                "I once

bedded a skunk with mange!" This was Horniak, the wolf.

                The

room went silent. Everyone looked at him. He was an old wolf, with patches of fur

missing, and one eye socket empty. Another of the guild spoke up. "I would have

needed both me eyes missing, and me nose chopped off to do that. What fun were

there in screwing a furless stinker?"

                "Oh,

don't go knocking it until you've tried it mates. She was hot, and something

special!"

                "Oi!

Like fucking a steaming pile of shit!" That insult broke out into a fight.

                When it

settled down, another voice; a very drunk sounding voice, piped up. "L-Borean!"

                Everyone

looked to the source. It was a very inebriated otter. Afhor called him out.

                "What's

so special about fucking some broad from L'Borea? That's like saying you

screwed some pretty from the Bellwoods, or some cunt from Colivera, or a mare

from Naderall. The location don't make her weird."

                The

otter was playing with his sword. He made a few cuts in the air, right under

his digresser's nose. "Look 'ere mate, I didn't say she was from L'Borea. I

said L'Borean."

                That

brought forth mumbling. Folks from one region were often just like any other.

There was almost always a mix of species. So what was the otter going on about?"

                The

otter soon lost patience with his compatriots. "Listen you thick headed idiots.

A L'Borean riding snake!"

                One

thief choked on his beer, while another spit out his food. There was silence

for just around thirty seconds before all hell broke loose. Yells of "liar" and

"freak" filled the air. The otter tolerated it for just a short while before

whipping out his sword again.

                "Quiet!"

                The

room fell to silence again.

                "The

question was, what was the weirdest female that any of us had ever laid. Mine

was a L'Borean snake."

                "But

Mudge, it ain't possible!"

                "And

why not?"

                "Them

snakes is big, huge even. Ain't no one who has one gonna let you go sticking

you cock anywhere near it. Even if you did, that thing would turn around and

have you for a snack."

                The

otter smiled. "Aye, they would. And a big one's privies would be so big as to

use me whole body for it's jollies. But not all L'boreans are tame, and not all

L'boreans are adults, if you get's me meaning"

                The

others were just beginning to be aware that the otter was telling the truth.

Some of them crossed their fingers to ward off the evil eye. Others simply

gaped at him. There were few things on this world than many of them wouldn't

bed, but have sex with a thing like a L'borean was out of the question. For one

thing, it was snake! No one could have sex with a snake. Sure, there were a few

intelligent reptiles and amphibians around, but they were rare. And at least

they were intelligent. Those snakes were pretty stupid, and when untrained,

dangerous as hell.

                "Alright

otter, give it up!"

                He sat

down and took off his cap. "This 'ere ain't me original cap you know. Each time

it's been a heart ache to lose. Losing it to a stupid snake were the last straw

for me that day."

                "I was

running through woods..."

                "For

your health, I presume?" interrupted one of the men.

                "You

might say that, for if I was caught, I was as good as dead. I got meself deeper

and deeper into the forest until I was good and lost I was. I found meself in

sections that no one had crossed in decades. Even my pursuers gave up. I wish I

would have known then what I know now; might have changed me mind about 'eading

in."

                "I keep

moving for another hour. I ain't lived this long from not being cautious. When

I stopped, I scouted out an area and made meself a little camp. I figured I'd

get some sleep and in the morning, figure me way out of this mess. Night fell

quickly in that dark wood, and though I felt it was safe to have a fire, I kept

it small. By morning it was down to embers."

                "I was

just stretching, working the kinks out of my muscles when I saw it. It's head

was hidden in the underbrush, but those big beady eyes were reflecting the rays

of morning sunlight. At first I thought I had been followed. That wouldn't have

been so bad. But when that head came out, followed by the sinuously long body,

I figured me heart would stop."

                One of

the thieves gulped. "Whatcha do Mudge?"

                "I did

the only sensible thing I could. I grabbed me hat and sword and ran for it. Damn

if that thing wasn't faster than a 'orse with diarrhea. I figured I might have

a shot up in the tress, but damn if that thing didn't keep on coming. At some

point me hat got knocked off, and I watched in horror as the filthy beast

swallowed it up. I guess he was getting a taste of his main course."

                "Now me

skin is one thing, but me hat is another. I went from scared to pissed. That

great scaly tube worm had taken me most prized possession!"

                "I

scouted around quickly, looking for a method of escape. Then it dawned on me;

what was special about these damn things?"

                It was

an open ended question, but no one seemed to have an answer.

                "You

see, their heads are big, like this," he made a gesture with his paws, "and

then their neck is smaller like this before their body widens out again.  That gave me an idea. I ran until I found a

tree shaped just the right way. It had two trunks, and they ran up together for

a few feet before dividing wider. I jumped up and climbed about ten feet up.

When the bastard followed me, I kicked it hard in the head, stunning it. The

joker dropped like a stone right in between those two trunks. By the time I was

on the ground, it were slithering and twisting to get loose."

                "I

thought about killing the thing in retribution for eating me hat. But the neck

was now wedged, and the skull was too thick for me sword to poke through. I

went around the tree and was nearly knocked off me feet from its thrashing

about. I went around the front again and in a fit of anger, slammed a half

rotten log over its head. Wood fragments flew everywhere. But it did the trick.

The beast went into nap land."

                I

returned to the back and examined the belly. I figured my hat might be

recoverable. But the scales on those things are tough. I worked my way down to

the tail, looking for a soft spot. Funny thing was I found it."

                Ole

Burthy the gibbon blurted out, "I take it ye used the wrong sword on it?"

                Mudge

spit at him. "Oh, I could have used me sword. But I figured the thing had a

touch of brain inside that skull, otherwise why had I been able to knock it

senseless? No, I had another idea. There were a lot of saplings growing, and I

worked and wove them together until the thing was trussed up like a fish on a

spit."

                The

crowd had gathered closer.

                "I

then, and only then, dropped me drawers and pried open that there snake's hidey

hole. First time in me life I ever knew the difference between a boy snake and

a girl snake. Let's just say it were a young one and it were still big enough

to accommodate someone better equipped than ole Mudge. You all know how big

L'Borean eggs are? So you can guess how big the hole that lays them is. This

here snake wasn't going to be comin to no harm from the likes of me, even if it

was a pint size."

                "Now

don't go thinking that just because I say that the thing were sloppy. No, once

I was inside, it closed right up around me. About this time it work from its

forced nap and were trying to wiggle free. That made it all the more fun. I just

kept telling it that this 'ere was for eating me 'at! I know it couldn't understand

me, but I felt it deserved to know the reason an otter were porking it's

slither hole."

                "I was

glad I thought to tie it down. As it was, the damn thing was twitching like a

willow in a wind storm. Funny thing was, when I started out it was to punish

the brute. But the more I did it, the more fun it got to be. I was getting back

at the beast and getting me nuts off at the same time. Now I ain't one for

raping nobody, but this dumb shit didn't count."

                "You'd

be surprised how much fun one of them there snakes can be. After a while she

settled right down. Don't know if it were the concussion to her head, or the

fact the ole Mudge is good with his works. I ain't never seen how a snake makes

love, but ole Mudge figured that it were pretty much alike where ever you

went."

                "Well,

I porked that scaled cylinder for hours. The longer I did it, the less she

moved. At one point I thought maybe I 'ad 'it 'er 'ead too 'ard, and went to investigate.

That got 'er going again so I stayed put. Ole Mudge was pretty much exhausted

by the time he was done. It 'adn't gotten me me cap and feather  back, but I 'ad taken out the cost of a new

one out  on this here reptilian piece of

ass."

                He told

the story so matter of factly that no one doubted him. "Did you kill it when

you were done?"

                " 'ell

no! I figured it were just being what it was meant to be, just like I was. I

think I might 'ave felt better had my punishment been more successful. Turns

out the trick was on me!"

                "Why?"

                "Well,

you sees, I decided it would die if I left 'er there, stuck as she were. I cut

the saplings and walked around front. "er eyes were on me the moment I stepped

into view. She weren't so dumb as to not know who had been porking 'er pink

slit. I smelled like snake. Funny thing was, she didn't move. "

                I was

looking up and down those two trunks, trying to find a way to set her

free.  It were risky, but I climbed up

one and them, and after reaching my former perch, yelled at 'er. She lifted 'er

head and was soon on her own."

                "But

Mudge, weren't you afraid of her chasing you down and eating you?"

                "Oh, I

was ready. She dropped to the ground and watched me where I sat. I figured what

the 'ell and climbed down. She was still just watching me. After a while I grew

bored with our little staring contest and walked away."

                "Did

she eat you?" This fellow was particularly drunk.

                "Oi!

Right! Which is why I'm 'ere telling this story! No, that damn thing just

followed me around.  I made it out of the

woods and back to the Lorense River with her still on me tail."

                "What

did you do with her?"

                "The

only thing I knew how. I looked up a rich fellow who also 'appened to raise

L'Boreans. I assured him that mine was tame and a good breeder. She got one

look at the big males and forgot about me right away. So you see boys, not only

did I get laid, I got paid.  You can't

beat that. And on top of it all, I've got the best story you blokes will ever 'ear."