Ander - Part 3: Subchapter 20
20
Hezzi watched from high up in the watchtower as Ander fell to the ground and a sea of Wolves cheered in unison, jumping up and down, waves of grey and black and brown. A small pool of blood started to leak from the gash in Ander's forehead, vibrant in the firelight.
He didn't know how he was supposed to feel.
Renna clapped a hand to her mouth, but not in time to stifle a horrified whimper. She turned her back and slid down against the railing with her eyes squeezed shut, gasping for air through her fingers.
Hezzi was frozen in place, staring down at the body of his brother. Was he dead? Was Ander dead? Was the big brother that always used to ruffle his hair and look down at him with that rare smile really dead?
Garten poked him with his foot and said something to Dorin, but they were too far away for Hezzi to hear.
"Hezzi?" Renna whispered, her voice shaking nearly as badly as her body. "Did... Did they...?"
"I don't know," Hezzi replied. He felt numb inside, like a foot that had fallen asleep, but without any of the tingling. But wasn't this what he had wanted? Wasn't this what he had screamed and fought for? Then why did he feel so... wrong? "I don't know..."
"Hezzi?"
He didn't feel torn, exactly. He felt doubled, like he was two different Wolves with two different minds living two different lives, but sharing the same body. "Yeah?"
Still looking down at the floor, she reached out and curled her trembling fingers around Hezzi's hand. "Why does life have to be like this?" she asked. "Why does it always have to be so painful? Why? Why can't... Why can't things just be good? For everyone? I just don't see the reason. There's no reason for things to be this way! If hatred is a choice, then why, why, why would anyone choose to hate like that!? I just... I can't see the_reason_..." She covered her eyes with her free hand, weeping so hard she could barely breathe.
Hezzi squeezed her hand. There were many things he could have told her, like how the will of the tribe was more important than the will of a single Wolf, or how Ander had sealed his fate the moment he ended Banno's life, or that, for real Wolves, this wasn't painful at all. This was fun. This was happiness. This was the way it was supposed to be. But in the end, he couldn't say any of those things, because, no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't feel the truth of those words in his own heart. In the end, all he could say was: "I don't know, Renna. I just don't know."
Garten lashed out, kicking Ander's bloody shoulder, shouting: "You like to play mind games, huh!? You like to play mind games!? Let's see you try that now! I'll give you a mind game you piece of filth! Take it! Take it!" He stomped down on Ander's shoulder, grinding his pads against the wound, but there was no response. Dorin bent down and felt along Ander's neck, possibly checking for a pulse. He said something to Garten, and Garten said something back, gesturing wildly, completely indifferent to the shouts all around him.
"Hey! Is he dead? He's dead, isn't he?"
"Garten you overzealous bastard! We didn't get a turn!"
"Boooo!"
"No, he's not dead!" Dorin shouted. "He's still breathing."
"Wooo! Me next! Me next!"
"No, me! I still owe the Different One for making me look a fool in front of NefFA: "
"Let's trample him!"
"Throw him in the fire, just like Shekka said!"
"STOP!!"
Oh no, Hezzi could recognize that voice anywhere, even in this cacophony. He peered over the railing and soon spotted Father barrelling towards the bonfire, shoving Wolves out of his way left and right.
"This is _not_the way of the Cora! Killing an unconscious Wolf incapable of fighting back? What cowardice! What sin! Wait for him to wake up first! Then the punishment can continue!"
"Oh you'd just love that, wouldn't you, Chieftain?" A Wolf said, blatantly blocking Father's way. Hezzi couldn't make out who it was from this top down view. "And then, while we wait, dawn will creep ever closer. Is that what you want? Chieftain?"
"I don't like your tone, boy. Step aside or I will -"
BAM!
It happened so fast, Hezzi's addled mind could barely comprehend what his eyes were telling him. One moment Father was standing tall, dishing out orders, orders that must be followed by law, and the next he was sprawled on the ground, blood pouring from his nose, surrounded by a throng of Wolves dancing and cheering at his downfall.
"One hit knockout!" one Wolf screamed.
"Down he goes!" screamed another. "That'll teach him to stick his nose where it doesn't belong!"
"Somebody get him out of here! He's in the way!"
Hezzi watched in dumbstruck horror as they dragged his father away - the Chieftain- with his legs scraping dusty furrows in the dirt.
And Mother was just standing there by the statue's foot, not doing anything. But she must have heard Father yell. She must have heard his voice get cut off. She must have heard the punch!
The Wolves dragged Father all the way to her witch's tent, and Mother neatly fell in behind them. He couldn't see her face from here, but she didn't seem all that concerned. Sure, it was just a hard punch and Father was probably fine, but still! Shouldn't she be shouting, screaming, throwing her hands in the air, going berserk? She was just going about her business like it was no big deal, just another injury, just another stupid Wolf who got too ahead of himself, and not her mate of thirty years.
But that was the feeling he was getting from the entire tribe now. Before tonight, anyone who even dared to disagree with Father was likely to get his face caved in, much less defy him openly, and much, much less strike out against him. And none of the other Wolves were even doing anything about it!
They advanced on Ander's prone form, closing the distance like water flowing into a dip in the earth, but Garten held them all back with a furious roar. "Back! Get back you filthy mongrels! I'm not done with him yet!"
"You've had your chance, Garten! Step off!"
Ignoring them completely, Garten bent down, lifted Ander's head by the ears, and yelled into his unconscious face: "Wake up you bastard! Wake! UP!"
Dorin said something, and Garten let Ander's head fall back to the ground with a wet slap.
"No, I've got a better idea. If he wants to play mind games, then I know the perfect one." He motioned for Dorin to come closer, then whispered something in his good ear. Dorin nodded, then quickly started to make his way through the crowd, gently nudging his way past Wolves which were becoming more belligerent by the second. One even jumped forward with a spear in hand, demanding Garten to step away from Ander's body and let the rest of them have a turn.
Garten simply reached out and snatched the spear from his hands like it was nothing.
"Hey, we're not allowed to use weapons!" someone shouted.
"The Chieftain's not here!" Garten shouted right back, inspecting the spear's long metal tip by the light of the bonfire. "And if any of you get in my way, or try to kill this sorry sack of fur before I have a chance to dig into him proper, I'll be sure to take this spear and shove it down your gullet! Understand!?"
The Wolf who had jumped in with the spear in the first place backed up with his hands in the air, and the rest followed suit, grumbling their dissatisfaction.
Once they opened up enough space, Garten went back to looking at the spear in his hands. It was a simple thing, just a long staff of wood with a flat, sharpened piece of metal for a head, but still deadly. He regarded the fire, a smile spreading across his gap-toothed jaw, and then slipped the tip into a heap of coals, burying its head in a blanket of red heat.
Hezzi didn't want to watch this anymore. He turned his head away and slid down next to Renna, a million thoughts racing through his mind like a hive of angry ants, biting and stinging. He wound his fingers through his hair and clutched them tight, tearing at his scalp with his claws. He just wanted this night to end. We wanted it to become yesterday, then last week, then a month ago, then years and decades. He wanted this night to end so that he could bury it in time, one day at a time, until it finally stopped hurting so much.
Renna fidgeted in the silence, maybe trying to think of something to say. Hezzi could feel every shift of her hand, every twitch of her fingers. "Thank you for helping me, Hezzi," she finally said, her voice so small and soft he could barely hear her over the noise below. "I didn't know what to do when things started... happening."
Hezzi wasn't in the mood for any you're-welcomes or think-nothing-of-its. Now was not the time for small talk or pleasantries.
"I... I just wanted you to know that -"
"Renna, I'm sorry, but can you please just stay quiet for a little while? I can't do this right now."
"O-Okay. I'm sorry."
She let go of his hand and went back to lacing her fingers over her knees, locking them together, unlocking them again, making soft swishing noises as they brushed against each other.
You don't have anything to be sorry for, you weird little girl, Hezzi thought, but could not say. Right now he didn't trust himself to say anything without bursting into tears, which was something a drisa of the Chieftain should never, ever do, no matter how badly it hurt.
"Hezzi?"
"Renna, I asked you please not to -"
"I think Ander was telling the truth."
This was exactly what Hezzi didn't want to hear. The trial was over. There was nothing more that could be done. Ander was found guilty and that's it. End of story. Thinking on it would do nothing but rub salt in the wound.
"I believed him, Hezzi. About everything."
"You don't know my brother," Hezzi said, looking down at the gaps between the planks, at the grain in the wood, at the pulsing shadows cast by the roaring bonfire, everything except Renna, "so don't talk about him like you do."
"But I do know him!" Renna insisted. "I've known him my whole life! I haven't spent as much time with him as you have, of course, but he was always there for me when I needed his help! And he was glad to give it. Always!"
"But you don't know Banno! You don't know anything about him!" Hezzi cried out. "He'd never try to kill Ander or me! And he never killed Vallah! He never killed any Wolf!"
"But I'm not talking about Banno, I'm talking about Ander, the Wolf suffering down there as we speak! I don't know if Banno really did all those terrible things, but I do know that Ander never did anything to hurt anyone his entire life, and he doesn't deserve what's happening to him right now! By the Cora, Hezzi, do you?"
"I don't know, all right!? I don't know! I mean... I... I don't know." The full meaning of those words only struck after it was too late to take them back.
"You don't know?" Renna asked, her voice trembling, so filled with horror it almost made Hezzi look up. "Do you really mean that?"
"I wasn't trying to mean anything. How I feel doesn't even matter. I don't want to feel! Not anything!"
"Oh Hezzi... if you really mean that... if you really don't want to feel anything anymore..." She sniffed, and Hezzi realized that she was crying again, only this time it was much worse. She wasn't crying for herself, or for Ander, or even for the sorry state of this world she lived in. She was crying for him. "If you really feel that way... then your heart is already dead..."
She curled her tail around her ankles and broke down completely, crying into her cupped hands, her shoulders heaving, and with no sisters or any experience of womanly matters, Hezzi had no idea how to deal with it.
"Renna, no, please don't," he said, awkwardly patting her on the back. "I can't handle all this happening at once, so please just stop crying!"
"Where did you go, Hezzi?" she asked between her racking sobs.
"What do you mean? I'm right here."
She jerked away from his touch. "No! No, you're not! The Hezzi I knew was always happy! Always running around with a big, foolish grin on his face!"
"My brothers are dead, Renna!" Hezzi screamed. "You expect me to be happy about that!? You expect me to skip around like nothing's happened!?"
"No, I expect you to be sad! Be angry even! Be something other than this thing you're turning into!"
"I am_sad! I _am angry!"
"Then do something about it! You said your brothers are dead, but that's not true! Ander is still alive, Hezzi!"
"He killed Banno!"
Renna looked up sharply, and for a just a second, Hezzi thought she intended to slap him, but then she slowly lowered her gaze, tears still running down her cheeks. Hezzi wondered how he could have had such an absurd thought. Renna would never do anything even remotely like that. Not in a thousand years.
"Where did you go, Hezzi?" she repeated. "Why did you leave everyone behind? Why did you leave me behind?"
"I still don't understand what you're talking about. I'm right -"
"Hezzi!" Dorin's head suddenly popped up the ladder like a crazy springhare, almost scaring him right out of his skin. "Garten wants to see you."
"What does Garten want with me?" Hezzi asked, his heart pounding.
"He didn't say, but I wouldn't keep him waiting if I were you."
Hezzi moved to get up, but then felt Renna's panicky grip tighten around his hand once again. He looked over his shoulder and saw her tear-streaked face looking back at him.
"Please don't leave me," she whispered.
"I'll be right back, you stay here," Hezzi replied, knowing she had meant more with her request, but unable to deliver. He pulled his hand from her grasp, feeling more doubled than ever, and followed Dorin down the ladder, trying not to think about the way her face fell when he broke their touch, as if she would never see him again.
Maybe she was right. Maybe he really wasn't 'here' anymore.
He hoped it was true.
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