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He always seemed to have more fun with them than with me; smiled more and talked more among his kin, his friends. I'm nothing to him; a mere acquaintance who he just knew because we were classmates. I fell in love with him because he's so friendly and outgoing but like light and twilight I was acceptable friendly and shy; a mix that wouldn't work together even if I was a girl. I mean... we're both guys and he'll never fall in love with one like me. No one would. I'm nothing worth, not even for my parents.

My name's Justin... I was a grey husky, medium tall and had a collar like fur on my neck which I preferred to hid with my scarf. I'm often dressed normally with the same theme of color; dark. Not that I'm emo or Goth but I liked to be dressed that way. And because of that I was viewed as a weirdo, held out of the popular group of people whose dress code was main stream. I was only to be spoken to if they had to like in projects or such but even there I didn't say much; often kept my thoughts for myself, even from my parents.

I wished to be more social, to be able to talk with people and connect to them but that's just a wish that would never come true because I was damaged by moving from state to state: My parents were business people who had their career as their first priority and family life as second which resulted in much neglected quality time with their son... me. It didn't make it better that I was their only son and since their jobs were more important than my wellbeing they decided to move from place to place to benefit their own business goals. Because of that I was unable to keep friends and therefore lost hope of keeping friends. It hurt every time when I had to move so I began to keep for myself, avoiding contact with others, even if I wanted to be social. It was best that way.

This was my 8th school and I had no real friends. I had only few anthros that I occasionally spoke with and it was often only school oriented. I sat there for myself on the corner table, wanted to speak so badly with someone but knew it would only hurt me in the end. My heart felt cold like nights below freeze point but without snow and was trapped in my own prison. It told me to break out and be free of this damaging feeling but my brain rejected; said it would hurt me more if I did. I let the rational brain win over the emotional heart.

"Who can tell me what the name of this order was?" asked the fox teacher and looked over his glasses which were placed low on his nose. An owl like fox.

I knew the answer but I didn't felt like to participate in anything. It was "The Cistercian Order". I used to participate very much in classes earlier in my life; a way to get acknowledged and feel alive, a reward that I used to feed and live on but lately it just didn't satisfied me enough to be worth it so therefore I kept it for myself. Every time I did that my heart sank lower in the sand, slowly drowning in nothingness. But he knew the answer and had his hand risen, waited to be picked. My heart deeply wished that he would get picked so I could hear his voice and look at him speak. Luckily, the teacher finally said "Yes, Zac?"

"The order is called The Cistercian Order" answered Zac right. I swallowed every word he said as it would do something good and gave him a look that was quite revealing.

Zac was a beautiful, white German shepherd who was tall, taller than me, who didn't have much muscle but enough to be placed among B ranks in athletics. He wasn't the most popular in the class but was in the higher ranks in the hierarchy and besides the attributes I already had given he was intelligent too. Like me, he had a collar like fur on his neck which he also hid with a scarf. Why, I didn't know.

He was the only one who kept me alive inside; each day felt meaningless if it wasn't for him. Every time I woke up I thought of him and looked forward to see him. He was my energy, he held me alive by just being there. But like the wind that made the windmill work he wasn't always in school which made the windmill stationary. When he wasn't there the day felt absolutely worthless and I would be filled with emptiness and a need which was unfulfilled. But today he was here.

"Class dismissed" exclaimed the owl like fox teacher.

My chest felt heavy with wishes and need for mutual love which I never really felt in my life. Beyond these ribs, this cage, the heart screamed for help, comfort and support but every time it did I buried the needs to keep my cool. What I also fed on was imagining being with him both in negative and positive way. I knew it wasn't healthy on the long run but it was the strongest way of confirming that I was alive. It could be compared with cutting yourselves; that the pain, the wishes, made you feel you were alive. They had fun together, smiled and talked to each other, entertained themselves and were happy. I envied them so much; I did have good memories in my past but there weren't many of them. Even though I got the advice few times that I shouldn't be sad when it's over but be glad that it happened I had hard time cherishing the few happiness and lights in my path of life.

For some reason my heart was beating really heavily and I felt that I could burst out in tears anytime at the moment. The pot was about to boil over where the lit couldn't suppress the buried feelings anymore. I heard laughter and I had a burning wish to tell him what I felt for him. But all I remembered was that my eyes were covering with tears that hadn't been shed yet and that I thought it would be very bad if they saw me cry. Therefore I stormed out of the class, breathed heavily as it would relieve some of the pressure from the boiling pot. I went directly to the toilet room and locked it but kept the room dark. My tears finally began to shed and it was now unstoppable but I didn't sob. I just cried silently, sat down on the cold, dark floor and held my legs beneath my head. My heart and chest felt as they got stabbed by ice spikes as I cried.

All the time I was alone with my burdens and I haven't spoken with anyone about my problems. These were my problems to bear and me alone.

Then I heard someone tried to enter the toilet room but when the anthro couldn't enter he went away again. For a brief moment I wished that it would open but as it didn't I cried further and held myself more closely and tightly. Suddenly the door opened and there he stood with great worry painted on his face. I was utterly surprised. By all people why should he find me like that?

"Justin? Are you alright?" whispered Zac carefully and went closer to me.

"Go away" I said. My heart immediately regretted and I felt so ashamed and so alone. No one would be able to help such a hopeless fool like me.

There was a moment of silence but it felt like hours and hours of pain. I wished that I could disappear into nothing and never come back, wanted to escape from the reality and the pain and suffering.

"No, Justin" said Zac still whispering and by judging the sound he was crouching next to me. I didn't want him to see my tears so I looked away from him and held myself closer than ever. I wanted to see the sun and feel the warmth but I didn't deserve it, never.

"Tell me what's wrong, Justin" he laid a hand on my shoulder. It felt like a heat that was melting the ice inside me but it rebelled and tried to keep me cold by rejecting him. He persisted.

"You can't help me, Zac!" I yelled. I had never cried so much in my life; my eyes turned red and my cheeks were wet because of the tears.

"Of course I can!" replied Zac and laid both his hands on my shoulders. I stop resisting and felt his touch against my clothes. My heart was galloping but the ice was on its retreat. My mind tried to function rationally and worked tirelessly to understand what he said. How can he help me in any way?

"How?" I shook out, still held myself tightly and looked into the tempting darkness, asked me to go into it and never come back.

"I don't know but we'll figure it out" he rubbed my shoulders gently and added "eventually. Come, Justin, let's go to the office"

My brain fought against his suggestion but my heart wanted to listen. This time I let my weakened heart win after all these years. He helped me up and went to the door frame, waited for me to come along. He was my light during school time and he was my sun at the moment, shone the way for me and began to melt the iced cage I've brought myself in. Both his hands were on my shoulders, guided me the way since I wasn't looking ahead.

I was too weakened to speak more but I had enough strength to follow him. He comforted me while the teachers asked about why I was crying. I narrowly avoided to explain one of the reasons which was my love towards him but I whispered out the rest; that I moved so many times, that I didn't have many friends, that I had never really felt parental or mutual love. Zac was there all the time rubbing my back, encouraged me to tell more but I didn't tell what I felt for him.

After the conversation the teachers and the Headmaster recommended a hospitalization to the Young Psychiatric Section where I would be treated for my severe depression. I couldn't think because I was exhausted but I was relieved: I now wasn't alone with my problems. He knew. They knew. They said that they had to inform my parents about this no matter what but I didn't care at all nor did they in the end. But he did and that was all that mattered.

Before I was driven to the building for my treatment Zac sat down beside me and whispered into my ear "Get well, Justin"