Chapter X: When Your Fears Subside, And Shadows Still Remain
#10 of Kaeden's Commitment
Short chapter today, folks. It's necessary though, as it sets up the next scene, which I hope will provide a bit more information about another character I've gotten a lot of...interesting feedback on.
To make up for the short length, I've also got an accompanying image over on my FA account!http://www.furaffinity.net/view/13039836/
Kaeden's Commitment
by Draugr
Chapter X: When Your Fears Subside, And Shadows Still Remain
This work is licensed under aCreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
The next day, Kaeden awoke with a whimper. Strangely, he found himself reaching for Ikici, clutching the stuffed wolf to his chest. The stuffed animal hadn't really meant anything to him before - like the diapers, pacifiers, and onesies, he was just another prop to remind him that he was a puppy. Nevertheless, he did feel better, although he felt himself longing for his caregiver. He was feeling too frightened to be upset that he actually_wanted_Ashleigh around.
He wasn't sure why he was feeling frightened - until he heard the rolling crack of thunder. He_hated_thunderstorms. Ashleigh came rushing into the nursery at the sounds of his fear, lowering the side of his crib.
"Kaeden, what's the matter? What is it?"
"Thunderstorm," he said, quietly.
"Are you... is that something that scares you?"
Kaeden nodded, burying his face into the side of his plushie.
"How about I get you your bottle, and I'll hold you for a bit, okay? That'll make you feel better."
"Don't go... " he pleaded, as she turned to head toward the kitchen.
"Alright, I'll stay here until you're calmed down, okay?"
She picked him up out of his crib, where he left the stuffed wolf behind. Although she was sure he needed changed, just like every other morning, right now Kaeden needed her comfort more than he needed a clean diaper.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, as she gently rocked him over her shoulder in the rocking chair. The Shepherd was shaking fiercely, although the fear in his mind was eased enough by Ashleigh's presence for him to think.
Kaeden stayed silent for a moment, allowing himself to sink into his caregiver's embrace. He wasn't sure why he was reacting this bad - he could usually cope with his fear of thunderstorms just fine. They were unpleasant, but, he could deal. Now, though...
"My first night without my mom... there was a really bad storm. She wasn't there to keep me safe. A tree fell through the roof and into my room - it just barely missed my bed."
Ashleigh said nothing, just giving him long, comforting, soft strokes over his back.
"I haven't liked storms ever since. I can usually cope with it, but... maybe I really am a puppy," he said dejectedly.
Ashleigh shook her head. "You_are_my puppy, Kaeden, but that's not why you're so upset. You haven't let yourself be emotional for so long, or trust anyone. Now that you are, it's hard to keep back your emotions. It's a good thing to let yourself feel. That doesn't mean you need to feel without restraint, of course, but... working through this, like you are, is important for your recovery.
"Do you remember what you told me about being a real man? The best men I know don't run from their feelings. By letting those bullies tell you what being a real man is... you've damaged yourself. I believe in you, Kaeden, but you have to let go of that part of your past."
Kaeden shook his head, eyes still tightly shut. "That's not as easy as you make it sound."
"I know it's not, pup, but I'll be here for you nonetheless."
They sat there in silence for a long time, save for a brief break to get Kaeden into a dry diaper once he'd calmed down enough.
During his diaper change, he seemed upset by something other than the storm.
"What is it, sweetheart? Is something bothering you?"
"I just...I'm worried I'm getting used to this. It all feels so normal, now. I'm not going to need diapers forever, am I?"
Ashleigh laughed good-naturedly. "This should feel normal for you. It's all part of getting you better. And no, puppy, you won't be in diapers forever. I've followed up with all my charges and all of them managed to get potty-trained again, although one was still having mild daytime problems, and still had issues at night. I don't think she was trying very hard to get out of diapers, though."
"Why_not_?" Kaeden asked, confounded. He couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't try to become continent again after all this. The Shepherd was glad to hear, once again, that there was definitely an end point, but he'd always hoped the end point wouldn't still involve diapers.
"Not all of my puppies have had such a rough initiation as you, Kaeden."
"That doesn't really answer my question."
"Perhaps not. Maybe I'll tell you when you're older," she said, grinning.
"How did I_know_you were going to say that," Kaeden groaned.
Back in the rocking chair, they simply sat there, together. Kaeden was still trembling at every crack of thunder, but his fear was under control. He wanted to ask the Pyrenees something badly, but the question was strange to him. He didn't understand why he wanted it, but, he wasn't going anywhere soon, and his caregiver had never judged him for anything before.
"Ashleigh?" Kaeden asked, eventually.
"Yes, pup?"
"I... you know I never really had a mother. And... I really don't understand the whole "puppy" thing, at least not entirely... but you think it will help me, and I do trust you. And I guess it is kinda helping me, a little. And, you're here for me when I need you, and my mother never was, I... "
Kaeden fell silent at that. Ashleigh waited for him to continue, but, he did not.
"What is it, pup? I understand. Everybody needs somebody, you're not the only one," she said, trying to coax him.
"Is... is it okay if I call you 'Mommy'?"
Ashleigh was a bit taken aback, but tried not to show her surprise. This was the first time Kaeden had actually shown any interest in going along with the puppy treatment, rather than passive acceptance, or outright resistance.
"Of course, puppy. I would love that," she said, tears entering her eyes. That small statement meant more to her than anything but Kaeden's full recovery - she just wished she could express that to Kaeden.
"Thanks...M-Mommy," he stuttered, growing used to the term.
They sat in silence a few moments longer, before Ashleigh had to ask what was on her mind.
"Kaeden? You mentioned you think all this is helping you. Are you interested in seeing where all this goes, or do you still want to run away?"
The Shepherd looked up at his caregiver curiously. He wasn't actually sure how to answer.
"I...I do, and I don't," he said, truthfully. "I guess I can admit I like what all this puppy stuff is doing to me. It's really nice to...to have a mommy," he said, blushing furiously.
"I'm a better person than I was, and though I don't get_why_I have to be your puppy, I suppose it works. I really don't like that you've made me wear diapers so long that I need them when I sleep now. I wish that didn't have to be a part of it. Especially, the, y'know. What you... had to put a pill under my tail for."
Ashleigh suppressed a laugh at how elaborately he talked his way around the idea of dirty diapers. "Trust me, puppy. It's all necessary. You'll understand when you're older."
Kaeden grunted again, although this one sounded much more light-hearted than frustrated.
The thunderstorm dragged on the rest of the day. Kaeden was much more subdued than usual. Rather than having playtime, or watching cartoons, or anything like that, he mostly just wanted to be near Ashleigh. He grew tired earlier than normal, so Ashleigh put him down to bed - feeling a bit guilty, as she knew she'd have to make another call to Rashid. Kaeden was as ready as he would ever be to make the most important commitment of his life.