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Kaeden's Commitment

by Draugr

Chapter IX: Long Away

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This work is licensed under aCreative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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Kaeden woke up in the morning, dismayed to find out that he was in a soaked diaper, as usual, and still locked in his crib. He was more tired than normal, and wanted to ask Ashleigh about his weird encounter. Had it been a dream? Rashid had told him he was taking him home.

His waking brought Ashleigh to his nursery quickly, where she got him into a clean diaper and changed out his sleeper for a T-shirt and some shorts. The shorts had snaps going up the inside of the legs, just like his sleeper did, but, still, it was different than his normal daytime attire. He looked up at her, questioningly. She'd never let him dress in anything that covered up his diapers before.

"You've been a very good puppy lately, Kaeden, and despite our little dinner battles, I want you to know how much I appreciate that. I know you're still embarrassed that you need diapers, so I think a small reward is in order, don't you? You're starting to grow."

"Um... thanks, I guess," Kaeden said, flushing bright red. "But I don't suppose there's any chance of convincing you to let me use the bathroom, is there?"

Ashleigh gave that knowing smirk she always gave when Kaeden asked her something that had an obvious answer. "You're wearing your bathroom, remember, puppy?"

Kaeden grunted in displeasure. "How could I forget."

She picked him up off the changing table, then brought him over to the rocking chair for his morning bottle. She hadn't entirely weaned him off formula, but at least it was limited to morning and night, now. As Kaeden nursed, she absentmindedly adjusted the waistband of his diaper, peeking up above his shorts.

"Ashleigh?" he asked, once the bottle was finished.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"I... Rashid was here again. I don't know if it was a dream or not, but it seemed pretty real." He wrung his paws together, nervous.

Ashleigh nodded. "What happened, pup?"

"He said he was taking me home," he said, glumly.

"Aw, but puppy, you are home. I thought you were starting to like it here?"

"Egh..." Kaeden grunted, dodging the question, and not because it was offensive, but because he was afraid to hear his answer out loud.

Ashleigh laughed, then sat him up on her knee. "It's okay, Kaeden. Most of my charges have had a lot of difficult emotions and feelings going on right about where you are. Just let things come naturally. Now, tell me more about what happened last night."

"So it wasn't a dream. I thought you were supposed to protect me, since I'm your puppy or whatever."

"I didn't say it was or wasn't a dream, pup. I do know I trust Rashid not to hurt you."

"But he's a real a-"

A stern look from Ashleigh cut him off before he could say anything offensive.

"A real jerk," he finished. "How can you know that? And he did hurt me, he gave me a spanking, remember?"

"Yes, because you were being very naughty. You've come a long way since then and I don't think you need spankings to learn your lessons anymore. Just trust me, sweetheart. Things will become more clear to you in time. Now, what did Rashid tell you?"

"He said my problems were because of my mother... but I never had one!"

"That's the first time I've heard you admit you have problems, Kaeden. What changed?" Ashleigh's floppy ears perked up. She seemed happy about this development.

"I... I don't know. Was it a dream, Ashleigh?"

The Great Pyrenees smiled down at him. "Is it really that important?" she replied, dodging the question. "It seems like you learned something, pup. Tell me more."

"I guess Rashid... or my dream, or whatever... convinced me. I don't commit to anything. I guess that's why I have such a hard time trusting people? I mean, look what it took for me to trust you!"

"But you do now, puppy. Clearly you're not beyond hope."

"Yeah, but if I have to have my diapers changed by someone before I can trust them, I'd rather be the old suspicious and distant me, if it's all the same."

Ashleigh giggled. "It won't be like that, pup. This is just how you learn."

"But I don't understand that. How does all this teach me anything?"

"You said before that Rashid told you that your problems were because of your mother being gone," Ashleigh replied, seemingly ignoring his question. "Why_wouldn't_you have problems because of your mother being gone?"

Kaeden furrowed his brow. "I... she wasn't there to mess me up, though. I've always blamed my father for that."

Ashleigh shook her head. "She wasn't there to raise you right, either. I may not be your birth mother, Kaeden, but I'm trying to be a good surrogate mother to you, so you can learn those lessons."

"I'm not a puppy anymore, though - and don't say what I know you're going to say. You know what I mean. I can't learn the same lessons over again, I'm too old."

"Are you, Kaeden? You may not see it, but you've made some remarkable progress since I first met you. I'm very proud of you, and I think you can go a lot further."

"I can't blame my mother entirely, though, Ashleigh. I knew plenty of kids without moms growing up that didn't turn out like me."

"So, what does that tell you?"

"It's my father's fault."

Ashleigh shook her head.

"But that's the only other person it could be!"

"No, puppy, it isn't."

"But who else... it's not... it's not my fault, is it?"

Ashleigh nodded sadly. "Your mother had her part to play, and perhaps your father did as well, Kaeden. But we are all responsible for the choices we make. Plenty of pups grow up to be quite successful despite living in less than ideal homes."

Kaeden seemed to curl up on himself.

"I... I need to be alone to think, Ashleigh."

The Pyrenees nodded, then returned him to his crib. "I'll turn out the lights so you can rest. I know this is a lot to take in."

"Thanks."

Kaeden laid there for awhile, thinking about his life - but mostly dwelling on his failures. He'd never been with a girl long enough to have a real relationship. He'd dropped out of college. He'd had ten jobs in the past two years, and nobody wanted to hire him. His father... what_had_his father done wrong, really? He was overbearing... but he was also there for him. His mother hadn't been. Could this really all be his fault? Could he have chosen something, even as a young pup, that would have made things turn out differently?

The next few days were full of stress for Ashleigh. Kaeden began withdrawing, speaking to her less and less, and spending more time clutching his stuffed wolf, Ikici, and brooding in depression. She was barely able to get him to nurse at his bottle, and trying to feed him was an exercise in futility. In less than a week, he wasn't speaking at all, barely even reacting. Even Ikici wasn't able to coax any sort of reaction out of him. This state made it easier for Ashleigh to spend more time holding Kaeden, something she'd wanted to do for a long time, but couldn't, due to Kaeden's reluctance to seek physical contact. Even with her presence, however, the Shepherd did not seem to be getting any better.

Eventually Ashleigh decided that Kaeden was not coming out of this depression on his own, or with her help. She needed someone to talk to. Someone who might have an inside understanding of what Kaeden was going through. Someone within the program.

Holding her 'puppy' on the couch, and gently stroking his fur, she awaited her guest. Before long, the doorbell rang. She laid Kaeden down on the couch and went to answer it. The Shepherd was barely aware of what was going on, but noticed she must have been familiar with her guest, as they greeted each other with a large hug.

"Kaiser! It's so good to see you," she said, leading the Doberman inside. "It's been far too long."

"It has, but I've been busy. Jennifer's latest charge is... a real piece of work."

Ashleigh laughed. "If memory serves, that's exactly what I said about you. What is it parents always say to their cubs? 'I hope you grow up and have a child just like you?' Well?"

Kaiser laughed at the mirthful teasing. "I suppose there is a sort of poetic justice to it. So, this is him, then?" he said, indicating the catatonic Shepherd.

Ashleigh nodded. "He won't... snap out of it, Kaiser. The psychologists have given me some suggestions, but at this point, I'm worried I'm going to have to hospitalize him. You never told me what brought you out of yours."

Kaiser sat down next to Kaeden, who gave no indication he was aware that anyone else was in the room. He was actually slightly afraid of the stranger. He felt too much like Rashid. Looked like him, too, for that matter. However, the sensation of fear was dulled, and it was easier to just do nothing.

"I'm... honestly not sure, Ashleigh. You helped me a lot. You were there for me. You're a good mother, perhaps it was just a mother's love?"

"I've been keep him close, trying to reassure him it's okay... but a couple days ago, he just stopped speaking at all. Yesterday... " Ashleigh began tearing up. Kaiser stood up, going over to her and putting an arm around her shoulder. "It was like he'd just... left his body!" she said, sniffling into the Doberman's shoulder.

"It's part of the recovery process. From what you told me, Kaeden is a lot more difficult than I was... but I went through a period where I wouldn't talk to you, either. I came out of it, and I'm sure he will, too. Don't doubt yourself, Ashleigh. I mean, look at where I am now. That wouldn't have been possible without you."

"No, it could have been any of us," the Pyrenees said dismissively.

"Don't sell yourself short. I needed a special kind of help, and you... you've got a knack for it. Just be there for him, Ashleigh. He'll come out of his shell. I know it's upsetting, but... just do what you do best, okay?"

"Okay. It feels good to hear that coming from you, Kaiser. You were... quite the difficult one, even up through to your graduation."

Kaiser snorted. "I'm just a rebellious dog. Don't take that for ungratefulness."

"I don't, Kaiser, I don't. Not at all."

"This isn't your fault, Ashleigh. I know you. Even if you think you did this... you didn't. We don't make choices with the intent to cause something like this. There are always hundreds of things coming into play that we never consider... that we aren't capable of considering. That's just part of being alive and imperfect."

"Thanks. I think... I think I can handle this now. I'm sorry to drag you away from your responsibilities, but I was just so worried about him, and I remembered you going through something similar... "

"It's not a problem, Ashleigh. Anything I can do for you, I will. You're the mother I wasn't lucky enough to have." Kaiser looked down at Kaeden morosely, absentmindedly stroking him between the ears.

"Snap out of it, kiddo. You'll be fine. Come back to us, you hear?" He paused, slightly, before softly singing something in a low voice_._

Take heart, my friend, we love you

Though it seems like you're alone,

A million lights above you

Smile down upon your home.

"What was that?" Ashleigh asked curiously.

"My mother often sang it to me when I was very little. I guess it just stuck with me," he explained.

After they said their goodbyes, Ashleigh sat down with Kaeden on the couch again, her confidence bolstered. They_would_get through this, no matter what it took.

It only took another day for Kaeden to show signs that he was beginning to get better. Ashleigh latched on to these, gently pulling him out of his depression, trying to show his charge that he was still loved, and that there were people who cared about him. When Ashleigh woke him the next day for his morning diaper change, he'd finally shook off most everything else. Even if the Shepherd hadn't been depressed and catatonic, he'd long ago developed bedwetting problems.

"Ashleigh... I'm really sorry I made you worry," he said, as she wiped down his diaper area.

"Oh, puppy!" she said, reaching down to embrace him. "I knew you'd come back to me. And you've nothing to be sorry for."

"Yes, I do, Ashleigh. I sat there for... how many days was I out? Too many, just wallowing in self-pity and loathing. I wanted to blame myself for everything, and... it just tore me up. You wanted to be there for me and I wouldn't let you. Even if I don't wholly understand why I have to be here... I guess I feel better around you, and I even blocked that out too."

His caregiver nodded, a look of understanding crossing her face. "All is forgiven, pup. I mean that."

Ashleigh spent the rest of the morning with her charge, not even willing to leave him alone in the playroom. She wanted to ensure that her charge was not going to slip back into the depression he'd just awoken from. While helping Kaeden build an elaborate construction, and even allowing him to take creative charge of the project, she couldn't help but ask him a question that had been burning on her mind all day:

"Kaeden... what made you decide to wake up from... that?"

The Shepherd looked up, seeming deep in thought. "You... you had a visitor over one day."

"Kaiser? I didn't think you were even aware of anything, then."

"I was. He said something... that even when something bad happens to us because of a choice we made, there are hundreds of other unseen things that play into it. We do the best we can, but sometimes, it still turns out bad. I realized I couldn't just... withdraw from everything. I had to accept what had happened to me, and move on. It may be nobody's fault but mine, but... I can't shoulder the entire blame. And that song... it made me remember that I'm not in this alone. That even if I can't make it out of this myself, you and Rashid are still here for me."

Ashleigh gave her charge another hug. "I'm glad he could help you."

"Was... was Kaiser your puppy? Like me?" he asked, curious.

Ashleigh nodded. "He used to be, yes. He was very rebellious, though in a different way than you."

"I can't imagine him in a diaper."

Ashleigh snorted, and laughed. "One day you'll be all grown up and it'll be the same with you, pup. For now, though, let's give you a quick check." She laid him down and undid the snaps on the legs of his shorts.

Kaeden sighed, still not seeing the point of this - he could easily just tell her he was wet, she didn't need to go-

"Yrff!" he grunted, still embarrassed after all this time to feel her paw slipping inside the legband of his diaper.

"You're a little damp, but I think we can finish our playtime, if you want." Kaeden nodded. He did feel a bit wet, and his diaper was a little extra bulky than usual - but though he hated to admit it, he was actually having a lot of fun playing with his caregiver. He didn't want to stop.

"Alright, pup," she said, snapping his shorts back up. "We'll change your diaper later, then."

The rest of the day was filled with mostly meaningless chatter until bedtime, when Ashleigh asked Kaeden another question.

"You don't have to answer if it will upset you, pup, but I'd like to know what happened to you that was so bad that you blame yourself for. Maybe I could help you work through it."

Kaeden nodded. "I... I think I could do that. My entire life I've been teased about being a girl. I'm short, I've got a girl's name... well, it can be a boy's name, too, but, there was a girl in school with the same name... same sounding name, different spelling, it was 'C-a-y-d-e-n' there, but, still... it made it hard, y'know?"

Ashleigh nodded, but didn't interrupt him. He'd never opened up about his past before, and she honestly hadn't quite thought he would be ready to do so - but here he was, and she wasn't about to stop it.

"I tried so hard to prove that I was a real man, and... I don't know. The bullying just kept getting worse. Eventually I just gave up. After high school, the teasing pretty much went away... but I guess the damage was done. I still get really upset when people call me a girl. Not just angry, but, like, degraded, too."

Sensing a bit of sadness creeping back into his voice, Ashleigh decided now was the time to interject with some kind words. "You're my beautiful baby_boy,_Kaeden, and nothing will ever change that."

"That's easy for you to say. You_are_a girl."

"Then if you were girly at all, that's probably something I'd be able to pick up on pretty quick, right?"

"Hey... yeah, I guess you are right," Kaeden said, giving her a big smile. "Thanks."

"Of course, pup. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about? I'm here for you, and I'll even let you stay up past your bedtime tonight if you want to talk about this some more."

"Yeah. Maybe you can help me understand?"

"I'll try and do what I can, pup."

"Okay... I... like, for my entire life, it's like I have problems committing to anything. I can't stick with a job, I can't stick with a girlfriend, I can't... I mean I even gave up on college."

"Is there maybe something you're afraid will happen if you committed yourself?"

Kaeden thought a moment, then answered. "Yeah... I think I might be scared I'll fail. Men aren't supposed to fail at anything."

"And women are?" Ashleigh said, raising her eyebrow, feigning insult.

"N-no! That's not what I meant, it's just... "

"I know what you meant, pup, I'm just giving you a hard time. Now, don't take this the wrong way, but, I think real men do fail sometimes, and that they learn from their mistakes. If you don't give yourself the chance to fail, how can you grow into a real man?"

"But... I was always teased about failing stuff!"

"And do you believe your bullies? Or do you believe me?"

"It doesn't matter. I_am_a failure. I always fail at stuff."

"I think you just won't give yourself a chance to succeed, Kaeden. You stop before you're halfway in to anything. Take things a little further, and take a chance on yourself. You took a chance with me, remember?"

"Not really. I don't really have a choice, did I? I'm not allowed to leave or anything."

"You always have a choice, pup. Instead of continuing to fight against me, you decided to trust me. Isn't that a success?"

"I... yeah. Weird as it is, yeah, you're right, Ashleigh."

"See? Why do you think I'd be trying to help you if I really believed you were a failure?"

Kaeden thought earnestly about this. Everything Ashleigh did to him was done deliberately and for a reason, even if he didn't understand it, and even if it still felt a bit strange. "You wouldn't, I guess," he answered.

"Then you must_not_be a failure, right?"

"Ri... right."

"I want to hear you say the words, pup. Tell me what you aren't."

"I am... not a failure."

"With some conviction, Kaeden."

"I am_not_a failure!" he said, with an upbeat tone.

"Good boy! And what are you going to do with that?"

"I'm going to succeed! I'm going to... get better!"

"_That's_my baby boy."