My Nightmare
WARNING: This story is practically the polar opposite of all my other ones, anywhere you felt happy and inspired in the others, you'll only feel sad and depressed in this one. So if you read it, don't yell at me for it, it was only a dream I had after all...and I warned ya. =P
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I couldn't make the tears stop, the hot streaks of liquid kept flowing from my eyes no matter how hard I tried to control it. It felt like my nose was on fire, the sniffling and sobbing wouldn't end and my futile efforts to make it cease made me feel even worse.
I could hear Jason in the background, he never cried, how he took this all in stride was beyond me. "Gore, there's nothing we could have done. He died at the scene of the accident man."
I wasn't sure why, but a boiling rage took over and I charged at Jason, punching and kicking anywhere I could before Tony could restrain me. "FUCK YOU, JASON!! I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!"
Tony was doing his best to hold me; I finally settled down in his arms and returned to crying. "It's ok, Gore. Everything's going to be fine, alright?"
I tried to look up at him, but the tears made everything warped and obscured. "No, no it's not going to be alright. Why in the hell did this have to happen?"
Rick, my mate, my companion for life, had been taken from me by some drunken moron on a power trip. I so desperately wanted to find the guy and kill him. Every time I thought of Rick, the idea of revenge shot through me like ice water in my burning veins. The idea of someone responsible for this amount of pain being alive brought me endless torture.
I was tired; tired of crying, tired of hearing people apologize for something they had nothing to do with, and tired of being alive without Rick next to me to help see me through it. After seeing everyone off except the 2 die-hard companions, Tony and Jason, who refused to leave me alone, I sullied down in my bed and tried to sleep. I don't why I thought it would be possible.
I lay in bed the whole night, thinking of the last few times me and Rick had talked, I couldn't help but replay them in ways I wish they had gone. How could I have known they were the last few moments I'd have with my true love? At the end of each memory I kept trying to reach for him, to hug him, kiss him, tell him again how much I loved him, but the red fur was always just out of reach, and it was slowly killing me.
I woke up to the sound of someone banging pots around in the kitchen. The faint rays of sunlight were pouring through the velvet curtains of my room, bathing its contents in an eerie crimson glow. Turns out I really did sleep, those memories were dreams. I pulled myself over to see what time the alarm clock was flashing, 10:07.
I stumbled out of my bedroom to see Jason watching some movie on TV, and Tony rumbling through the fridge. "Hey, guys."
Tony stood straight up, his ears laying flat to his head and his face turning into an upsetting pout. "How are you doing, Gore?"
I looked from him back to Jason, who was also tossing me a sympathetic stare-down. "I'm okay. What are you guys up to?"
Tony put down the utensils he was gathering and briskly walked in my direction to embrace me, I wasn't particularly in the mood for cuddling, but I found some strange warmth in his arms that I didn't want to lose. "Are you hungry, Gore? I'm getting ready to make some pancakes for me and Jason."
I threw away the ideas of warmth and cuddling and returned to my emotionless glance. "That sounds great, thanks."
I dragged myself over to our leather sofa...'our', I wouldn't be using that word so much anymore. The crying started again as I fell into the couch next to Jason, he jumped over to me and hugged me. "Gore! Gore, are you okay!? What's the matter!?"
Tony was also by my side in an instant, stroking my ears and trying to stifle his own sobs. "It's alright, Gore. Tell us what's wrong."
That boiling rage took over again, everything I was thinking about went white, and I couldn't feel anything other than anger. I broke free from the coddling affection and turned to face them. "WHAT'S WRONG!? You know perfectly well what the fuck is wrong!" I wiped the tears from my eyes and stormed off to my bedroom, locking the door behind me.
I ignored the subtle knocks and apologies behind the aged oak, focusing only on ways to keep my mind off Rick. I wrapped myself in sheets, they still smelled like him. My body kept trying to produce tears but I didn't have the liquid within me to allow it. I jerked and sobbed inconsolably until I once again drifted off into that place where I could be with my lover again.
I had a beautiful dream. Me and Rick back on the river we spent weekends at camping. Way out in the middle of nowhere, nothing but evergreens and a sparkling blue river with a small log cabin my grandfather had built long ago. I was lying back in a lounge chair drawing the scenery as he pounced around in the water trying to catch fish bare-pawed. Not a word was spoken, none needed to be. All it took was a look from his glittering, green eyes that said everything I wanted to hear. "I love you, Gore."
This time I was startled back into reality by several violent thuds on my door. "Gore, come outta there!!" I knew that voice. It was the raspy, gruff tone of my father.
"No! Go away! I don't want to talk to anyone!" My face was burning, and my eyes were still choking themselves; I couldn't face family right now. I didn't want to spend hours talking about Rick like he was really gone, I couldn't even get him out of my head long enough to realize he wasn't there with me.
This time the sweet, comforting voice of my mother rang through. "Gore, sweetie. Please come out so we can talk, you can't stay in there forever..."
I wrapped the sheets around me as I got out of the bed. I wanted to keep Rick's scent with me. Somehow...it made me feel like he was there. I unlocked the door and opened it to see my immediate family; mother, father, and brother; along with Jason and Tony, all staring back at me. "What do you want?" I said a little more harshly than I had wanted.
My mom grabbed me and pulled me over to the couch, the smell of her perfume was rivaling the scent of the sheets wrapped around me, and it caused a somewhat malevolent desire to push her away. "Come, sit down. We just want to see you."
I felt dirty, I hadn't showered in nearly 2 days. My fur was messed up and matted in places it had never been before. I had a taste in my mouth that could only be described as disgusting. I just wanted to find a warm tub of water and drown in it.
I sat there, wishing I could be anywhere else. The eyes of all these wolves on me made me want to succumb to every nervous tendency and vomit. "Well, you wanted to see me. Here I am."
I could tell the words hurt my mother. She withdrew a bit and shook her head solemnly. "We just want to make you feel better, Gore. Help us make you better."
I couldn't understand what about me being sad these furs couldn't realize, I became disgruntled and nearly barked at them. "When you find a way to get Rick back to me alive, I'll be happy!"
I nestled my muzzle back into the sheets, I could hear my mother crying and my father whispering words of comfort in her ears. Tony and Jason looked at each other frowningly, poor little Tyler had his head craned down so low I thought it would pop off. What was the point in bothering me if this was what they came to do? They don't need me to look at each other in dismay.
I jolted up and started walking off, my father catching me by the blanket and scowling me. "Where are you off to!?"
I yanked the sheets from his claws, not wanting him to smother the scent of my mate. "I'm going to take a shower, and I don't expect any of you to be here when I get out." He looked at me dumb-founded, like I had just told him I was gay all over again. My mother's sobs intensified as I locked myself away in the bathroom.
I welcomed the warmth of the running water. I could already feel my fur loosening up in places where it was bunched together, my muscles relaxed. At least something could bring me a small comfort, something as simple as water.
I dried off with a towel and wrapped the sheets back around me to venture outside my little domain and see if the family was still present. When I turned the corner I saw only Tony sitting on the couch. He was flipping through some old magazines, looking at the pictures and moving on.
He caught my gaze and opened his maw to say something, but he just put his head back down and went silent.
I kind of figured what he wanted to know and answered. "I don't know what that was all about. I don't need a pity party...okay?"
He nodded at me without looking up, and kept flipping through the magazines. I plopped down in the recliner and leaned back to try and get comfy, still naked except for the sheet I was surrounded in.
My stomach broke the silence, Tony's ears perked up and he looked in my direction. "You still haven't eaten anything have you?"
I threw on a sort of nervous grin and quivered at the empty sensation in my tummy. "Uh, nope."
He gracefully walked over behind the recliner and looked down at me from above. "What do you want? I'll fix it up for ya."
My mind raced for a few seconds, I really just wanted any kind of food, but something popped in my head. "Can you make macaroni and cheese? The way Rick did?"
He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. "All right. I'll let ya know when it's ready."
I sat there remembering the time we had forgotten to go shopping. All we had were two boxes of macaroni and a bunch of vegetables. I recalled the fun we had chopping and tossing random ingredients together and getting a satisfactory result, the memory bringing a little light to a day that had been in a word, dismal.
I nestled down further into the fuzzy, green recliner, losing myself in the symphony of chopping and sizzling from the kitchen. I was so happy Tony was still here. He was Rick's friend from before even I knew him, and fact that I often became jealous of, but having him with me was more than I could have asked for.
After the final clanking of a few pots, I heard Tony yell for me. "Hey, Gore! The food's ready!"
I stood up and repositioned the sheets around me so I'd be covered up as I walked. "Okay, I'm coming."
I tripped on the sheets and fell into my chair, getting an awkward giggle from Tony. "You need to be more careful."
Something about his smile help lifted the burden of today's events a bit. "I know, thanks for dinner, Tony."
He was already stuffing his face and tried to mouth the words, 'no problem.'
I looked down at the bowl of food, mixed with my desire to eat and the disdain of making something that brought back such a happy memory, disappear.
I took a few bites, and then toyed with the vegetables until Tony interrupted. "I kind of figured you wouldn't eat much, still pretty down eh?"
I looked up at him; I was already choking back the feeling to shed tears again. "I miss him, Tony. I don't know if I can go to the funeral tomorrow...the idea hurts too much."
He maneuvered around the table to kneel down beside me, looking into my eyes with his steel blue ones. "I know it hurts, it hurts me too, but we can't run away from the facts, Gore."
I sniffled a little, his words helped, they usually did. I was already summoning up the courage to go to Rick's funeral. "Thank you, Tony. I'll see you there tomorrow then."
I got up and started walking back to my bedroom; I just wanted to sleep the time between now and then away. However, I was stopped and turned around by Tony who pulled me into a hug. "It really is going to be okay, Gore. You'll make it through this. You know Rick wouldn't want you being this sad, he absolutely hated seeing you cry."
I smirked at that last bit, remembering the one time Rick tickled me out of crying into full-blown laughter. Then the depression settled back in, like dust coming down every time I ruffled the book of memories. "Tony, will you...stay with me tonight?"
His face turned from that of general concern to that of a comfort, sporting a weak smile. "Yeah, bud. I'll stay."
I unraveled the blanket and wrapped it around the both of us, and start walking to the bedroom. He had seen me a lot more than naked before, so this didn't bother him. I lay down in the bed, trying to not think about the fact that Rick's friend would be the only one joining me tonight. Tony crawled in behind me and pulled my body into a warm, passionate embrace.
I snuggled in a little, getting comfortable; I could feel Tony's breath in my ear. "I promise, Gore. It's all going to be okay." With that I returned to my dream world, once again indulging in my mate's presence, spending what could have been hours just looking into his eyes. I wanted to say something, but the words wouldn't come out...both a sweet and cynical torture my mind had created.
The next day was dark, cold, and gloomy, just as I expected it to be. I had put on somewhat of an emotionless mask. I didn't want to look a fool in front of these many people, no matter how much I hurt. I walked up to see Rick, laying there in his coffin sporting that suit I bought him...the one he swore he'd never wear more than once, and he was right. I kept myself in check, my feelings had to be saved for later.
After a drive that felt like an eternity, we made it to the graveyard where Rick was to be buried. It seemed to stretch on for miles; an endless winding path of death and sorrow, flagged with marks of cold granite, nameplates gleaming with remembrance in the pale sunlight. My Rick was about to become a part of it. The thought was more than unsettling, but I fought the urge to let go. I had to come to an understanding that no matter how many tears I shed, I'd never see Rick alive again; I would never hear his whisper as he nuzzled into my ear again. It was over.
It came the time for people to give their last comments and farewells to my beloved. Rick's mother could hardly even stand as she told us stories of his youth...his youth, he was only 20. When it came to my turn, I noticed something. Tony wasn't here; as a matter of fact...I hadn't seen him at all today. He skipped his best friend's funeral?
Putting the thought aside, I tried to get up the courage to talk. Every time I thought about Rick the tears wanted to flow, but I held them back. Then something hit me, one of our happiest memories, coming out to each other. Sure, it wasn't exactly appropriate funeral talk, but the thought allowed me to speak of him freely. I told stories about our trips to foreign countries, about nights we spent alone, how I loved him more than anything else on this planet...even myself. How he was always there for me, to protect me and make me happy when I was feeling sad, how he could look in my eyes and we could somehow make conversations with stares. If felt good to share those memories of Rick, and I could tell somehow it was helping the others too.
After I was done, I walked over to Rick's parents and hugged his mom. She never really approved of me, I knew that much, but I wanted her to know exactly how much I cared for her son. All I wanted was some sort of recognition as being in his life too, and I got it. She hugged me tightly and whispered, "Thank you, Gore, for making my boy so happy."
I could feel the wetness on her muzzle and she leaned her head on my shoulder, she was so sad and there was nothing I could do for her. "I'm so sorry, I would easily have traded places with him."
She looked at me bewildered and grabbed a stern hold of my maw. "Don't be ridiculous, if you had died instead of Rick, I'd still be staring at an empty shell. You were everything to him."
I got home later that day to find Tony sitting on my front porch. He had his head buried in his hands, when he looked up at me, I could tell he had been crying. I sat down next to him and threw my arm around his shoulders, pulling him close to me. "It's okay, Tony. I understand."
He leaned his head on my shoulder, and kept staring off into the distance. "I don't know what it was, Gore. I just couldn't see him dead."
I put my head against his and hugged him tighter. "It's okay. I'm sure Rick would understand."
He shifted his head out, and pulled my muzzle to face his own...he kissed me, licking the roof of my mouth, leaving my face is a twist of disgust at something I wasn't nearly ready for. We just sat there staring at each other.
Eventually a smile formed across his face. "He would. He wanted me to watch over you in his stead, should anything happen. He didn't want you to completely lose that feeling." He turned and began walking off towards his car. "I'll do my best. See you tomorrow."
I must have sat there for 20 minutes, unable to move, unable to think...what just happened there? Rick chose someone to keep an eye on me if he ever got into trouble? I couldn't have felt less appreciative of Rick than I did now. He found a way to look out for me, even from his grave.
I finally mustered up the concentration to stand, then went inside to find my brother playing video games. "Ho...how did you get here?"
He kept playing his game, he was obviously too immersed in his own little fantasy world to pay me any attention. "I ran here from the funeral. It looked like you could use some company with the house being so empty and all."
I walked over behind him and gave him a quick hug. "Thanks bud. You hungry?"
The sound of food got his rapt attention, as it usually did. "God, yes. What do you feel like eating?"
I bonked him on the head. "I asked you pup, what do you want to eat?"
He paused his game and sat there pondering. "Uh, dude, I really want steak."
The suggestion made me laugh almost as much as the way he said it. "Sure thing little dude. I'll call ya when it's done."
I was standing there cutting potatoes; I planned on making some French fries, but some weird feeling took over as I looked more and more at the knife I was using. I started thinking about how easy it would be, just plunge it my chest and bleed out, that would get me closer to Rick, wouldn't it? If I was seeing him in my dreams, wouldn't I BE with him in death?
I had the end of the blade pointing at my chest, already putting pressure on it, when my brother turned the corner. "Gore! What the hell are you doing!?"
He ran over and snatched the knife out of my hands and threw it to the floor. I couldn't help but sob as I sank to the hardwood floor, "I don't kn...know. I just...I miss Rick so badly; I don't want to be here anymore."
He snatched the phone up, no doubt to inform my mother of what I had just done...I didn't care, let her be worried. Maybe she would finally understand just how bad this has affected me.
Tyler was on the floor now, hugging me. "I can't believe you were willing to just let it end like that, Gore! What about us!? We love you too!"
He was right, but in a way that further depressed me and for some reason I had the feeling to get away. I pushed Tyler hard into the cabinets behind him and ran to the bathroom. I had the door shut and locked before he could reach me. As I slid to the cool tile floor all I could hear was the loud thuds of my brother outside and his helpless screams. "Gore! Gore! Come out of there, please! Gore!!!"
I couldn't listen to my brother cry like that, I cracked open the door and peeked out at him. "Don't worry bro, I'm ok. I just need to think for a little bit. Alright? Go play something till Mom gets here."
He tried pushing open the door, but failed to overpower me. He stood there with his posture slackened, and his eyes down. "Alright, just...please don't do anything bad."
I choked out, "I won't." Then shut the door and slid back to the floor. I tried to bring up the feeling I had with the knife, tried to figure out what caused me to think that way. Sure, Rick was pretty much my life, I dedicated every moment I could to making him happy...and now he was gone. What purpose did life still hold for me if my one and only true goal had been wisped away?
Deciding I needed a bath, I turned on the hot water and got undressed. I was hoping the same sensation I had yesterday would return. I wanted to feel better, if only a little, and warm water seemed to have some sort of magical property to that effect. I lay in the tub forever; I was starting to wonder why no one had bothered me yet. Surely my mother was here by now.
The thought built up in me, it eventually drove me to dry off and get back into my old clothes to see what was up. I stormed out of the shower to see Tony leaning on the couch staring at me. "I heard you tried to kill yourself."
The way he put it made me feel horrible, I couldn't even say anything to him. Especially after his confession earlier today that made him my new 'guardian angel'. "Where is my brother?"
He shrugged and looked away. "He's at home, I told them to let me handle you."
I scurried over to him with my visage in the shape of a sunken ship; the only thing holding my fur on was the pure fact that it was attached. This look did nothing in regards to getting sympathy from Tony, though.
I was about to speak up when he wheeled around and punched me in the maw. I yelped with pain and backed away from him, rubbing my chin. "What the fuck, Tony!?"
He charged at me, grabbing my shoulders and pinning me against the wall. "You know what! Why in the hell would you try that? What's wrong with you? Do we really mean so little to you compared to Rick?"
These words coming from Tony hurt even more than my brother saying them. I was caught in his quizzical glare. I was unable to look away, but I wanted my eyes to be directed anywhere else but at his. It felt like I was sinking slowly into my self-pity, and he was standing there watching me drown. Then, he forced me into a kiss.
My eyes were wide open in shock, and though I had the urge to push him away, I didn't. Something in the back of my mind made me kiss back, my paws making it to the back of his head and pulling him in harder as I pushed my tongue into his maw. We kissed hard and long, a good two minutes vanished in the blink of any eye as we stood there pressed to each other's muzzle.
He broke the kiss, taking a step back and looking into my eyes. Neither of us spoke, he just shook his head a little and walked out the front door. I slid against the wall to the floor, not entirely sure of what just happened. I just kissed Rick's best friend and...meant it. Sure I had kissed Tony before, but it was always out of some crazy lust or being friendly, this kiss was more than either of those. It was the same passionate exchange I gave Rick...was Tony taking his place in greater ways that I first thought?
No! What was I thinking? No one could replace that kind of love; nothing could fill that void in my soul. Damn Rick for fooling me into letting anyone get that close to me! I let out an exasperated sigh as I turned around in place and laid my head against the wall in front of me. The more and more I thought about Tony, the more I thought I was falling for him.
I started banging my head against the wall. Slowly at first, wincing slightly at the pain, then picking up speed. The harder I thrust into the wall the harder is was for me to think straight, I couldn't think about Rick, or Tony, or anything that happened that day. I was pounding my head into the wall so hard that I could feel the jolts in my neck and shoulders, but I kept going, I didn't want to think about today...I didn't want to think about anything. The pain from my forehead had me in tears at this point, everything started to get blurry.
I woke up to the systematic beeping of a few different machines. I opened my eyes and looked around to see I was occupying a hospital. Jason was asleep in the corner of the room in a chair. My vision was really blurry. I couldn't make heads or tails of half the messages firing through my nervous system. I just wanted fall back to sleep.
I tried leaning forward, but an intense pain in my head taught me otherwise. I flattened back on out the small bed with a sickening groan. With this, Jason was up and by my side. "Gore, man. How are you?"
I wanted to move my arms, rub my eyes, try to see clearer...but my muscles failed me. "Uh, w...why can't I move?"
He put his pawn on my chest and let out a sigh. "It's okay, the doctor said it's a side-effect of the medicine they put you on. He said you'd be pretty wiped when you woke up."
I thought about that for a second and laughed a little, which hurt too. "You think with all this medication, they would have at least made the pain go away."
Jason kneeled down beside the bed and laid his head on the pillows next to mine, he was smiling now. "They were surprised you didn't suffer any brain damage. Ironic that the stubborn quality making you do all this is what saved you from yourself."
I let out another groan as I turned to face him. "Jason, how are all you guys getting by this so well?"
His grin disappeared; he knew this topic would come up sooner or later. "I just try not to think about it. I know it's hard, for you most of all, but the past is past."
I repositioned my head on the pillow to get comfortable. "Heh, past is past..."
I tried to move a paw to grab the one still on my chest, but it faltered. Jason saw me try and reached to grab it, holding it so tight I could feel a slight tinge of pain. "Jason, I'll be okay. I just need to sleep."
He kissed me on the forehead and stood up. "Alright, I'll leave you alone with your memories."
To be honest, I wasn't even thinking of Rick at the time...I was just really tired. As I slowly drifted off though, images came at me like gusts of wind on a stormy day. Things we had done, things we planned on doing, all came flowing in one stream-line series of events. The pain rushed over me again, it hurt imagining all these things we wanted to do together knowing the truth. Why was my brain torturing me like this?
My desire to rid myself of the pictures swirling in my head overrode the sharp pains I received for moving. This had to stop. I couldn't live on with Rick being nothing more than a shadow and a thought. I walked over to the window and slid it open, the idea of what I was about to do already pulsing in my veins. I had heard stories about how this works, you wouldn't feel anything since you usually die on impact, and I was surely high enough for that to happen.
I leaned out to look if anyone would get caught in this little debacle of mine. Seeing no one in sight I sat up on the window sill looking back to the door where Jason was just coming back to check on me. He looked at me shocked, and tried to scream for me to stop, but I had already released me grip on the window and could feel gravity taking hold.
As I tumbled out the window I managed to catch his wide-eyed glance, he was trying to jump over the bed to get to me, but it was too late. I mouthed the word "Sorry" as he disappeared out of view. I had often wondered what went through the heads of people who committed suicide. Much to my astonishment, it was the purest happiness I had felt since losing Rick. I was on my way to my loved one.
I woke up with a shock. My heart was pounding and my entire body was drenched in cold sweat, breath was coming to me in sharp gasps. I was back in my room. I started feeling all over my body, everything was normal. My head didn't hurt anymore. I put my head in my paws and started crying, I finally thought I had the courage to do it, and it was only a dream.
My sobs grew louder and louder, until I was practically wailing. Then I felt someone kneel on the bed next to me. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and tried to make out who it was, but the fuzziness hadn't gone away yet. The figure reached out and wiped at my eyes, and the shape formed into that of Rick.
My crying stopped, I...couldn't believe what I was seeing. I reached out and touched his muzzle and moved my pawn down to his shoulder. "R...Rick?"
A smile formed on his face that sent chills up and down my spine. "Yeh, bud. What's the matter, you okay?"
I threw my entire body weight at him, giving Rick the biggest hug I had in a long time, the warmth and smell of him seemed almost exotic to me. "Rick...I just...I thought you were dead."
He bonked me on the back of the head as he giggled to himself. "What on Earth gave you that idea?"
There he was, making a comedy out of my dire situation, and I couldn't have been happier about it. I choked back a few more sobs and pecked him on the cheek. "Nothing, just a silly nightmare."
I smiled at him and pulled him tighter into the hug, nearly choking him of air. "Rick, promise me something."
He licked at my ear a little. "Anything, Gore."
I started licking at the base of his neck all the way up to his ear where I whispered, "Please, don't ever leave me again."
He put his paw behind my head and pulled my muzzle into that beautiful expression of true love, then broke it for a brief moment. "I'm yours forever, bud. Promise."