It had been a night of my own
This is something of my own creation. Some of this has events tied to me directly while other parts is just self realization.This a mere test to what my mind can do, it is as is, a story though to me with a meaning of escape from what I was dealing while I wrote this.
It had been a night of my own , a night nonetheless, but a night of my own creation. A night to which I have come to remember so well. For into the thoughts of my mind I have recessed the images of that night.
I found myself meeting the darkness known to many of you readers as depression, a thought merely of sadness, or loneliness. A song for the broken hearted to feel closely related. To be able to connect to oneself. For a longing of solitude. A night of finding oneself, to be able to bring forth your own thoughts and the feelings of what it is you wish.
The night had consisted of being thwarted out, recalled back into loneliness, to be discarded as a flyer given to the simple minded walking down the street. I had given myself the mind of the doubt and it had come true so I didn't feel so secluded. I had been playing a calming music of the sorts but everything I knew rushed in and tears had filled my eyes. The wind pushing snow across the road, the street lights blaring down the empty road in front of me. The music playing in the background as I receded into the darkness of my thoughts. To find that solitude for myself as other have themselves. The wind picked up and carrying the soft snow from the ground in front of me blocking the view of what it is I had invisioned as peaceful into something of mere white out.
A moment had passed, my thoughts flying through my mind. The feel of lost traction as the car I had been driving turned into a sheer mass of destruction. I had spun out or so I had thought, the moments I had been so fond of calling to me had been playing in my mind so vivid, so lively. The feeling of weightlessness had hit home again and so the car flipped. But as it may seem to others a few second it seemed a life time to me. Memories of loved ones, the smiles they had shared with me and as well as the memories I had held so dear to have felt in my life but never had done. The imagination of being there in time. To be whom it is I wanted to always be.
As the car hit the ground after the first initial roll my head was lulled forcefully to the side. Not a sound coming from me though through the speaks a distant tune of something soft, something calming me. I had reached back further into my thoughts. The last moments I had shared with my mother who had passed while I was young. Is this how it feels to die? One will not know for sure but in the moments of elapsed time in my head I had played every memory I had of my life. The loved ones who had been there while others had been so implied to make it seem otherwise. The thought of my mother fresh through my mind, of the happiest moments of being in her arms and to be able to see that smile on her face. To the worst moment of my life; To see the one who I loved in a casket and to only be able to say goodbye with the thoughts of so many other behind that feeling. The thought of being lost in a world so large yet. So small.
The feelings I have shared with my loved ones, how my father had been there to help, while not the most solid ground he had pulled me from the deepest of places in my life. To spending time out on lake Michigan to simply sitting down and talking to me about life and how so he loved it. And how so I loved life too; A end of mine, every path once taken always met with a darkness I have grown to know all too well.
Thought of my sister, to be able to call her my own family was a lot. She was the most intelligent most sought out person in my life to how she handled everything. In ways she's taught me to see what it is I have been coming to so quickly. She had been a light to some of the darkness but not all, she had held me while I was sent to tears, of how simple life is but to how fast it can change in an instant. To be clueless of what is happening and to have been un able to do anything for that situation.
Time had sped up at that moment and I had lurched again as the car met its final roll, being tossed from my seat and against the door had caused it to open itself as to where I would sail through and into the cold cold snow. The darkness looming over head as all of what had happened to be a blur in time. I stared for a time, my head to the side, looking off into the night. I had no strength but enough to move to my back to be able to look up, to see the world continue as my life replayed before me, in a dark agonizing way of thoughts to be able to have lived and to be able to have loved.
For at that moment I had seen stars brighter than before. How simple life is, to love, to be loved, to hate, and to be hated, it is a vicious cycle not all have to go through. To fight to hold onto memories of ones long past, to the thought of the happiness in life many have held in high regard. The feeling of loneliness filling my mind again as I stared up at the stars. Somewhere out there, life itself is being created but at the same time, life is being destroyed. The thought of all that has been given while so much has been taken away.
Life has a meaning to each their own. To meet it is what is most important. Religion or no religion, love or no love, hate or no hate, it is to each their own to which life leads them. The be able to say, "This, this is my life. I am proud of who I am every waking moment." It is no truth to be told from me for I know that not every day is met with that, for some days it is dark and lonely, and through that you find a new meaning to what it is you so hardly fought for.
Life is precious to the last moments of life, to me right now as I lay here in my thoughts. As I gaze into the darkness encompassed around me. The way life seems to move regardless of what it is you have done, or what it is being done. For life is passing each moment, many fail to grasp that, but grasp the meaning of life to themselves for it is their own life they so choose to create.
The edges of my sight blurring into darkness, my eyes becoming too heavy to keep open; for so long as I have so longed to stare up at those stars for the last moments of my life. For me to have lived is for me to have died. Not all that I have seen in my life has been good nor bad but lost to the hands of life as it is lost to have hope for what it is they want out of themselves. I had so cherished to die with a love in my life, to have been able to have looked back at how many lives I have touched. While the few I have so far are out doing what I will never know after I had been moved away. They live life as it is like I myself have done for so long.
My blinking lessening as more time is taken closed than open, my vision fading into darkness as my body soon joins in with what it is I have so known well. The acceptance of darkness is not what it may seem, even during life. It is what shapes up for greater or for the worse. A power so vast, but yet so far from the reach of understanding. To each life there is a darkness created to one of their own. It is as how we see it, it can be in the recesses of our mind to the images you see infront of you as I do now. The feeling of overwhelming power, the feeling of what it is I had known so well as well as I have learned to embrace.
My body has become warm, though I am not shocked to no longer feel the lovely embrace of the cold, a substance I believe to be a part of darkness in my mind. I have so long thought of this but now, before me is the wall of darkness, the darkest creature of my own creation come to welcome me to the life it is I have once known and to help ease me to what it is I will become.
Darkness is a friend in the times of destruction while life is the battle at the new beginnings we are all given the chance to meet. To each path is its own. so many have blindly taken those roads without remorse.
My thoughts are slowing as life has come to catch up in my mind. To have happily relived so much of what I had known.
In the darkest of my hour's life and darkness itself have come to greet me in their embrace it is which I say alone to the night.
"Hello my old friends, How I love you so."