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As the days passed by, Blain tried to forget about his embarrassing moment with me. I wasn't bringing it up nor did I teased him with that but still... I was actually kind of flattered and I didn't really know how to deal with that... One might not think too much about me accidentally kissing him or Blain getting a boner when he tackled me to the floor after we were sparring together... But as you may know me, I always like to think that there's more behind it... So I think about it too much... And I know I wanted more with him but I wasn't too sure what I exactly wanted... But I would be lying if I said I didn't had naughty thoughts about him at night or whenever I was taking a shower... In the fourteen years that I've known him, I've always felt attracted to him except it wasn't love... And I've had sex with him before, I know... Things changed once he came home after serving in Sercia for two years... It wasn't until recently I started to discover that I still had feelings for him... I was sexually attracted to him and always was... Nevertheless, I wanted more than just that... Something in between being friends and lovers, without the hassle and complications of a relationship... Blain had no idea what I really felt for him and I tried my best not to show it whenever we were hanging out together... To know that I'm sexually attracted to him explained so many things I couldn't when I was younger... Slowly but steady, all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place... But how do you tell someone that you feel sexually attracted to them and that you want to be more than just friends...? How do you make them understand without getting the wrong idea about you...? It was still complicated... But I knew for sure now... The question was, what was I gonna do with it now that I know...? Wait it out to see what happens and drive myself insane by not telling him...? Or actually take the risk and get things back the way it once used to be...? Because I knew that if these feelings didn't go away after his two years of absence, they would never leave...

'Pass me the thermal paste.' 'Here.' 'Just one little drop is enough, see?' 'Yeah, I see it.' 'Alright, now simply place the cooler on the CPU and lock it back in place. Connect the fan to its motherboard socket and you're done.'

Several weeks later, Blain and I went to a computer hardware store to buy parts in order for me to build a computer for him, like he asked me one night. It's not exactly rocket science and it's pretty self-explanatory but not everyone thinks its easy. Blain once fried a three hundred dinar motherboard because he screwed it directly on the case... So he'd rather ask me to build it for him. I didn't mind, I love building stuff... Anyway, I quickly placed the RAM modules and connected the SATA hard-drive and screwed it in place. The PSU was mounted within no-time and connecting all the cables to the appropriate slots wasn't that much of a challenge either. It was a bit of a humble computer but Blain did bought a 5.1 surround card and surround set so that he could listen to his music. But in order to place the soundcard, a cover had to be removed from the back of the case which was held in place by a screw. I tried to loosen it with a screwdriver but it was fairly stuck... 'Aww man... I can't get it loose.' 'Let me give a try.' 'Be careful not to force it otherwise you'll bend the whole case.' 'Fucking hell, is thing glued tight or something?' 'Can't remove the cover?' 'No, the screw is still in.' 'You happen to have a rattle screwdriver or something?' 'Uh... Maybe in one of those drawers.'

Needless to say, it was a little frustrating when we couldn't remove the cover... So I opened one of his drawers and looked around to see if I could find a rattle screwdriver while Blain searched elsewhere. Mostly junk and papers and stuff were in his drawers... When I opened another one, I saw a box of condoms. Wow... I looked from the corner of my eyes to see if he wasn't watching and took a good look at them... At least they weren't expired... And you ever had those brain farts, where a random thought comes up and you're like, what the fuck, brain?? Yeah exactly... I had that... In a blink of an eye, I could imagine Blain coming up from me behind, whispering in my ear: "I see you've found my stash... Get on the bed and spread 'em..." And I was like, what the fuck are you saying, brain?? Uhm... Yeah... Anyway, I quickly placed them back and found another thing that caught my interest... A small box that resembled a cigarette carton, that said "No Secretz - Sex Talk"... I remembered that it was a game... Nothing too fancy though, just a bunch of cards that had questions about sex that you could ask to whoever you were playing it with. They also have other topics in the "No Secretz" range but well, let's face it. Nothing's more interesting to talk about than sex. We used to play it when we were younger but we were always joking and laughing about it... I held it in my hand and stared at it for a moment until Blain found what I was actually looking for...' 'I got it!' 'Hehehe...' 'What'd you find?' 'Remember this?'

I showed it to him and Blain had a huge smile on his face all of a sudden... 'Haha, oh yeeeah... Wow...' 'That always was a lot of fun...' 'Yeah, it was. Rachel bought that once.' 'Hehe...' 'I used to play this game whenever I took a girl home with me.' 'You did...?' 'Yeah... It's a great way to find out what she likes.' 'Hmm...'

I placed the box on his desk when I approached Blain, where he handed me that rattle screwdriver. I took a seat behind his desk again and carefully tried to loosen the screw in the PC case but it simply wouldn't give in... It was stuck... I started to get frustrated after a while but tried to keep calm in order not to ruin his new PC... But fifteen minutes later, I was this close to throw his rig out of the window... 'Aaaaargh...!! Damn it, why won't it budge!?' 'You think something went wrong during the manufacturing?' 'Maybe, I don't know.' 'Well... Maybe we should go back and ask for a replacement.' 'Wait, maybe if I...'

I took the screwdriver again and tried to remove the cover below but the same thing happened... The screw would not move an inch... I could've exploded in an uncontrollable rage and throw his computer out of the window but I don't think Blain would've appreciated it to see his hard earned money going out the window... And that's when I took a closer look and saw that the screw was locked by a clip... That's when common sense started to kick in and I slide it to the left, where it says "Open"... Several turns to the left with the screwdriver and the screw fell out, just like that... And the cover could be removed without any problems... I looked at Blain and smiled while he peeked over a small booklet... 'There, finally...' 'Did you get it?' 'Yeah!' 'Hehehe...' 'What?' 'It says right here in the manual how to remove the cover...' '... Ah. You've been holding that back on me?!' 'Haha, no dude, I swear! I just found it in the box!'

Within no-time, I build the rest of the PC without any problems. Once it was done, I booted the computer and inserted the Windows 7 DVD-rom. I split his hard-drive into two partitions, one for his Windows and programs, and the other partition used for his games and music and all that. Once Windows was installing, I kicked back in his chair and looked at some of the questions from the game I found earlier... There are three hundred and fifty questions to be answered about sex, covering things like intimacy, expectations, insecurities but also downright funny and embarrassing questions... I shuffled the cards and read the questions when I found one that was particularly amusing... 'Hahahaha!' 'What?' 'Listen to this, Blain! "Did you ever had sexual fantasies about someone you shouldn't have?" 'Haha! Oh wow...' 'Hehehehe...' 'Did you?' 'Hm, what?' 'Did you ever had sexual fantasies about someone you shouldn't have?' 'Uhm... Well...' 'Honest answer!' 'Do you remember Mrs. Bouchard in high school, our gym teacher...?' 'Oh snap... She was everyone's wet dream...' 'Hehehe... Yeah, her... I really liked the idea of me getting it on with her...' 'Hehehehe...' 'Did you...?' 'Haha! Uhm...' 'Come on, tell me!' 'Terry's mom...' 'Hahahahaha! THAT is SO wrong!' 'Hey, you can't blame me! She's a genuine MILF!' 'Yeah... A sweet woman but uhm... Awfully hot for someone in her late forties...' 'She sure is... You got another one?' 'Here's one. "Do you ever watch a porn movie on the internet?" 'Rarely...' 'Oh, come on...' 'It's true! Why would you stay inside and watch on a screen what could've been when you can go outside and actually see some action when you get lucky?' 'True, I suppose. But you haven't been so "lucky" lately...' 'Goddamn it... Yes, I watch porn at home.' 'Hehehe...' 'What about you, Ceylan? Hmmmm??' '... I watch porn. A lot.' 'Haha, you do?!' 'Girls watch porn too, you know! Well, I know I do...' 'Haha, any favourite categories?' 'That's not part of the question.' 'Do you?' '... I watch lesbians getting it on, gay guys sticking it in each other, straight people getting lucky... It's all good, I don't mind!' 'Hmmmm... Which website?' 'Ferocious felines dot com...' 'Remember to bookmark that site on my computer once it's done installing.' 'I thought you said you'd rather go outside and get lucky instead...' 'Hey, wouldn't hurt to look at how other people are doing it. It's called self-study.' 'Hahaha!' 'Yeah... Great times playing that game...' 'Hm-mm... Always had a good laugh...' 'Yup...' '... I mean, sure, it's really embarrassing...' '... Yup.' 'It's awkward and strange to be so completely honest about it...' 'Hm-mm...' '... You should definitely bring it along if we're gonna hang out tonight.' 'Fuck yeah!'

When his computer was finished installing the OS, I installed some additional software for him like Office 2007 and an anti virus program. Of course, I also bookmarked that website for him... Anyway, after I was done, I went to see my grandmother to do groceries together. I stayed with her for dinner and around seven o'clock, I went back home where Blain and I would meet up. I changed my clothes in something more comfortable and wore a black skirt with a red spaghetti top with flip-flops on my feet. The two of us were going to hang out at our usual spot at the beach because we didn't really feel like going to a pub instead after the last time we went to one for obvious reasons... So I brought a bag with cold cans of soda and Blain would provide the weed... And I know what you're thinking but it wouldn't hurt every once in a while... So I picked him up and the two of us walked to the beach... Along the way, the two of us were talking and laughing and it really seemed like the start of a perfect evening together...

'Yeeeeah... Let's really kick it off...' Our regular spot at the beach... I've always liked coming there... The beach is so peaceful at night... The first half hour, the two of us were talking about all sorts of things, which eventually led to my hobby for writing. I opened my backpack and got two cans of soda and passed one to him. Blain reached out in his pocket and got hold of a joint... He then took a lighter from out of his pocket and lit it up... Takes a puff and exhaled slowly through his nostrils... He looked at me and smiled while passing the joint... 'So you're good with words, huh?' 'Words?' 'Writing poems and all that...? Making things rhyme?' 'I wouldn't exactly call them poems. And even if it rhymes, its accidental.' 'Hm... Hey, did you know I'm a poet too?' 'You are?' 'Yeah, I can make shit rhyme.' 'Let's hear it.' 'What, right now?' 'Yeah!' 'Alright, I got some inspiration left... Here's one straight from the heart...' 'Okay...' 'Swiggety swiggety swag, I really feel like having a shag.' 'Hahaha!' 'Swiggety swiggety swooty, so I'm coming for that booty.' 'Haha, oh my god...' 'Oh, oh! Dude! That reminds me! I wrote a poem for you!!' 'Haha, you took just one puff and that shit has gone to your head already!' 'No dude, I'm not shitting you!' 'You really wrote one for me...?' 'Wait, wait, I got it here somewhere...'

Blain searched through his pockets and unfolds a note while I took a puff from the joint. He smiled as he quickly read whatever was on that note and then faced me again... 'Listen!' 'Okay, mister Edgar Allan Poe, lets hear it!' 'When I'm with you, eternity is a step away. My love continues to grow, with each passing day. A gentle word like a spark of light, it illuminates my soul. As each sound goes deeper, it is you that makes me whole. You are the keeper of my dreams, the girl who holds my heart in her hands, the one I want to be with, the one with whom I will always stand.' 'Wow...' 'There's more!' 'Oh?' 'This journey was started long ago, before this time and place, the journey of completeness, as two hearts and souls embrace. Forever is what I want with you, for the search is at an end. Our hearts have found each other, as soul-mates and as friends.' 'Awww...' 'Oh, how you've made my dreams come true, and how you've opened my heart to love and the wonders it can do. But for fourteen years, you've put me in the friendzone... It really sucks and you should've known... But even though your light shines like the brightest star...' 'Yes...? Go on...' 'I'd still rather fuck Scarlett Johansson on the backseat of my car...'

I was in stitches after hearing that... It sounded so sweet and so tender and then that unexpected end... Haha, oh man... My stomach hurt so much of laughing and the tears were rolling down my face... After a while, when I finally recovered, I looked at Blain who smiled at me while I offered him his blunt... 'Haha, oh my god, that was soooooo unexpected...!' 'Hehehe...' 'Did you really made all of that up?' 'I got the idea from you. And at first, I was like "Gaaaaaay!" but then I thought shit like that can get you get laid. I just like to think that I'm writing shitty rap lyrics and wanted to test my skills on you.' 'Aaaaaah...' 'Chicks dig the sensitive guy.' 'Well, not every girl does, you know... It's not like you would have to pretend that you're a sensitive guy because... You already are...' 'Haha, bullshit, Ceylan...' 'You've always been! And its true, some girls like the idea of a sensitive guy and have good conversations with... Like we do... And some girls prefer manly male macho behaviour...' 'Hahaha, yeah right!' 'No, I'm serious! I know I would! I'd rather have someone who's sweet, gentle and tender to have deep, meaningful conversations with...'

Blain passed the joint back to me after he took a puff... I looked at the blunt I was holding and took a puff as well... A deep inhale and slowly exhaled... This was some strong shit... Several small coughs and feeling a little light in the head... But other than that, I felt great... I passed the blunt back to Blain afterwards... 'Deep, meaningful conversations you say...?' 'Uh-huh...' 'Hm... You think Scarlet Johansson is sweet, gentle and tender in bed?' 'Haha! I'd like to think that she is, yes...' 'How's that for a deep, meaningful conversation?' 'Haha, it'll do! What about that girl from the Hunger Games, uh... What's her name again?' 'Jennifer Lawrence.' 'Yeah, her... She's awesome. Despite all the fame, she doesn't let it go to her head and stay who she is.' 'Hm-mm...' 'Aaaaaaaaaaand I think she's really beautiful...' 'Sounds like you've got a bit of a crush on her.' 'Maaaaaaaybe... I've got several celebrity crushes...' 'Do tell.' 'Chris Hemsworth...' 'Who?' 'You know, the guy who plays Thor...' 'A guy??' 'Yes... Sexy body and all that...' 'Pfff, like me obviously!' 'Yeah... Like you... Do I detect a small hint of jealousy there, Blain...?' 'Hahaha, you wish!' 'Haha!' 'There's only one female for me though... A woman who's the definition of perfection...' 'Oh...? And who might she be...?' 'Miranda Kerr.' '... Oh. Who's she anyway?' 'A Victoria's Secret model.' 'Hehe...' 'I honestly do wonder what they're like when you're having sex with them...' 'Hm... So do I, really...' 'And not regret doing it with her.' 'Well... I might regret NOT going for it...' 'Haha... I would definitely regret it if I'd turn her down but there's no way in hell I ever would. Then again, there's no way in hell she would ever ask me...'

Blain took another hit and exhaled once more. When he passed the blunt over to me again, I stared down at it for a while... 'Blain...?' 'Hm?' 'You ever look back at your life and feel regret of the things you did...? Or rather yet, the things that you didn't do...?' 'Like what, for example...?' 'Like that time we went home with these fine looking girls and that I didn't went through with it...?' 'Hahaha, oh yeah...' 'I can't tell you how much I regret that...' 'For going home with them?' 'No, for not going through with it...' 'Oh?' 'I mean, everything was absolutely perfect!' 'You just thought too much about it.' 'Exactly! But I also ruined your chances to get laid...' 'Yeeeeeah...' 'I mean, I would be pissed at myself if I were you! Evelyn was fucking hot!' 'So was Samira...' 'But you thought of me and well... You went home with me when I couldn't go through with it...' 'Hehehe...' 'And I still appreciate that...' 'As long as it doesn't happen too often.' 'Haha, I hope not... Next time will go a lot better, I swear...' 'Hehehe... But yeah, those girls were fucking hot...' 'The look on your face was priceless though...' 'Well, what'd you expect from me? You've always talked about your "adventures" but I never actually saw you making out with another girl before...' 'Hehehe...' 'And to see the two of them having their way with you? It was kind of weird to see you like that but... Definitely the hottest thing I've ever seen.' 'You're eyes were practically popping out of their sockets the moment Samira undressed me...' 'Hehehe...' 'I mean... It wouldn't have been the first time you saw me naked...' 'Yeah... I just never expected to ever see you like that again...'

There was this awkward silence between us for a while as it had me thinking... I kept staring at the beautiful ocean scenery in the distance as I heard the waves hitting the beach... I stared at Blain for a moment and it seemed so strange... How the hell was it possible for us to stay friends and pretend that nothing ever happened between us...? How come it's possible for us to talk so casually about the fact that we saw each other naked and actually had sex before...? I looked at Blain and all he did was smiling at me... 'I gotta admit though... It was weird seeing you naked as well...' 'Hehehe...' 'Especially when I saw how Evelyn played your flute.' 'My what?' '... When she sucked your dick.' 'Oh! Haha, yeah, she did a great job at that...' 'Hmm... To be honest, I didn't really like seeing that...' 'Why...?' 'Because, you know... We still might be friends but... You and I have been more than that...' 'We never really had a relationship...' 'I know but still... We agreed back then that we wouldn't hold it against each other and that we shouldn't let it influence on our friendship but...' 'But...?' 'I can honestly say I felt a little jealous when I saw her having her way with you... And sometimes I don't understand how you can be so casual about sex and about having a one-night stand with someone...' 'But that's all there was to it, you know... Evelyn wanted sex, I wanted sex... So why not...? It's all in good fun...' 'I suppose but... It does make me wonder what I meant to you at the time whenever I hear you speak so casually about a one-night stand... Because I didn't just want to have sex with you, I wanted so much more than that...' 'Heh...' 'I had sex with you occasionally because I wanted to... But also because you gave me so much more than anyone has ever given me...' 'Which is...?' 'You're the only one who never betrayed my feelings... You never did as a friend... And especially not as a lover...'

Blain looked at me and smiled... He placed an arm around my shoulder and held me close while he gently kissed my forehead... I closed my eyes for a moment and smiled as I felt myself drifting away... 'It's all there is to it, Ceylan...' 'What do you mean...?' 'Talking about it... Tell each other what you want, what you like and what you would expect from one another...' 'Hm...' 'There's no point in having a one-night stand when you're not feeling comfortable with it...' 'Did you ever considered me to be a one-night stand...?' 'Honest answer?' 'Yes...?' 'No, I didn't... I suppose we were just two friends having sex with each other whenever we felt like it... That doesn't mean I think any lesser of you...' 'Heh...' 'It's funny because you're always so confident when you talk about having sex with girls but you're so insecure when it comes to males...' 'I practically have very little experience with males...' 'Yeah I know but you don't have to act to be someone you're not, Ceylan... Just stay true to yourself and do what feels right... I wouldn't hold it against you if you'd find another male you want to have sex with...' 'Heh... I'm not like that...' 'So you'd turn Chris Hemsworth down if he asked you?' 'Haha! Uhm... Well... I'd never do it with a stranger, that's for sure...' 'Samira was a stranger...' 'But she was a sexy female...' 'Chris Hemsworth is a celebrity!' 'But still a stranger to me...' 'Hehe...' 'I'd rather want someone I know for years... Someone I trust my life with...' 'Hmm...' 'And sometimes, when I'm hanging out with you, I feel rather ashamed...' 'Why...?'

I sighed quietly and closed my eyes for a moment as I thought about it... Blain knows I had a relationship with his best friend Terry and well... I honestly didn't believed he thought that Terry and I never slept with each other... Nevertheless, its something Blain never held against me... And I didn't know why... 'Well, you know I had a relationship with Terry and I assume that you know that sometimes, we weren't playing Monopoly in bed whenever we were spending the night together...' 'You're ashamed that you slept with him?' 'Yeah... With your best friend... While you were away...' 'I didn't really like the idea, no... But then again, I've got no right to claim you whatsoever... So I can either accept the fact that it happened between the two of you and move on or hold it against you and ruin our fourteen years of friendship...' 'Heh...' 'I've said it before, it's a choice you made of which I don't have anything to say in it...' 'I just never meant to drive you and Terry apart because of it...' 'You really think that's the reason why I don't see Terry anymore...?' 'Yes...?' 'No, Terry did that himself... He places his new girl in first now. So if anyone is to blame that me and Terry aren't hanging out anymore, it's because of him. Believe me, I tried to talk to him. But he made his choice... So you shouldn't feel guilty about it.' 'Heh...'

I know I've always described us as friends even though I wanted so much more... But we weren't more... We were just friends... It made me cringe every time he said "friend" to me because I had the feeling the two of us were so much more than that... And even after fourteen years, Blain still doesn't know what he really means to me... 'Look... What I'm trying to say is... What's done is done, there's no need to worry over that anymore... You can't change the things that happened and having regrets certainly isn't gonna help you... You can't change people... And you should definitely not let it influence the future. Do what you want and what feels right...' 'Is that what you do as well...?' 'Yeah, exactly...' 'And is that the reason why you're always so casual about sex...?' 'Hm-mm... I'm always honest whenever I want to have sex with a girl and she wants it too...' 'Hehehe...' 'We talk about what she wants, what she likes... But also about her expectations if we're really gonna do it because I don't wanna do anything she's not comfortable with...' 'Hm-mm...' 'And that's all there is to it...' 'Doesn't that ever make you nervous...?' 'No, man... If there's a click, there's a way! It's supposed to be a lot of fun...' 'Hehe... It's been a while for you, hasn't it...?' '... Yeah. I didn't get laid ever since I got back. I think I've lost my touch or something.'

It really had me thinking... I kept staring ahead while his words were echoing throughout my head... Blain is so casual about it... The thing about a one-night stand is that after the deed, the two of you part ways and never see each other again... Would it still be a one-night stand when two people still see each other afterwards...? Would it mean anything to him if I had a one-night stand with him...? I walked around with the idea for a while now but up until that day, I never asked him how he would feel about it... I know exactly how he's like... We know each other better than we know ourselves... Blain wouldn't use me and he loves me as a friend... But the real question was if he was capable of turning the switch by being a lover or a friend... We've had sex before, yes... But that was a long time ago and things were way different back then... It made me wonder if we would treat each other differently if we were having sex with each other now... I know I still wanted to... But did he wanted that as well...? How far would he go with me...? And how far would I go and risk everything by having a pleasurable, meaningless night with him...? So many questions I didn't know the answer to... 'Hey, uhm... Blain...?' 'Hm...?' 'Did you ever, uhm...' 'Did I ever...?' 'Did you ever had sex with a friend before...? Well, besides me...?' 'Nope... You and Sam are the only lady friends I have. I'm not the one for a sausage fest.' 'Hehehe...' 'Why do you ask?' 'O-Oh, no reason... I just wanted to know if you did before and actually made it work...' 'How did you and Samantha always made it work?' 'Talking about it and having fun with each other... That's all there was to it, really...' 'Well, there's your answer right there.' 'Hehe...' 'As long as it comes from both ways...' 'Yeah, exactly...' 'That's the most important... I think that it wouldn't be much different for having sex with a friend...' 'I suppose...' 'Talk about what you like, what you want and what your expectations are... Playing that card-game is a great way to find out...' 'Oh! Which reminds me... Did you bring it with you?' '... I forgot.' 'Oh... Damn it...'

I know I can be quite impulsive but I was so glad I didn't asked him that night... After that talk we had, I wanted it to happen... But I wasn't thinking things through... I really had to find a way to bring up the subject and see how he would feel about it... Because even if we did, I didn't want things to turn out all awkward and weird for us... All the more reason for me not to rush it... And I figured it'll come eventually, when the time was right... We both wanted sex... But I wanted a little bit more than that because sex always has been an emotional experience for me... There's no such thing as a romantic one-night stand and I knew that wouldn't happen... But perhaps romance wasn't what I needed... Maybe I just needed to have a lot of fun while doing it with the best friend I've ever had... I just didn't know how I was ever gonna tell him... But sometimes, you'll have to get plunged in the deep in order to learn how to swim...