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_ The Lead Crown Contribution: Regrets _

I laid restless in an unfamiliar room, alone, my mind constantly replaying the events that led me here, every single memory since that grim day when the Albatross blew up and we got involved in this mess, a mess bigger than any of us that will most likely lead us to our death. It's funny it seems like it happened such a long time ago, like a distant dream or the story that is told to children to scare them so they behave; sadly, that's not the case this time, no matter how much I want it to be, it was all real, it happened a few days ago, and in that time I've almost died three times, maybe more, in that time I had seen people die in front of me and...I...I have realized how utterly weak and helpless I am.

That's one the reason I'm still up so late at night, the other is that lately it's gotten hard for me to get some decent sleep, after our failed attempt to fight back the Order, I have been plagued by nightmares were I die along with the others: Shew, Alvis, that tricky lady, the strange bat and the otter in any number of ways, sometimes is fighting the order, or in an explosion, poisoned or buried under rumble; or in the rate occasion that I'm spared from that torture, I witness my own funeral, which it's way worse, no matter what people say, being forced to see the sad and sorrowful faces of my mother and friends... it's almost too much, especially for me.

More often than not I stay up all night, listening to the few sounds that accompany the dark lady, wondering how I got this far, how did I survive all those times, and why did the Gods spare my life when others died without reason... yet I never reach a conclusion, only coming up empty handed with far-fetched theories that are quickly shot down, a cycle that repeats itself every night, and that is taking its toll on me.

It's becoming harder and harder to keep up the appearances, I feel tired all the time and I'm grumpier than usual, it's like suddenly I'm five years older than before, a fact which I'm sure is making Shew and Alvis suspicious, those two got a sharp intuition and they know me better than the rest; so far I've been able to blame it to the wounds don't letting me sleep, yet I know that won't fool them for long, or at least it won't fool Shew, I swear he sees way too much for a blind guy, he, I'm sure he would kill me if he knew I thought that.

Shew...-sigh - it was kind of ironic how he fared better than the rest of us in every fight, especially in the last, the same fight where I was useles, an hindrance, just useless almost-dead weight, hell, even Alvis manage to make some sort of fight, I just fell down as soon as it started, though it made no difference in the end, we almost died, those guys from the order, they were good, were it not for that dragon we'd be reunited with our ancestors right now; I guess that teaches us not to fight against a paramilitary secret order with untrained scholars.

I never thought I would be doing something like this, hiding from some guys hired by the Church along with a shady lady and her obnoxious bodyguard, a prostitute and her pet project, an unusually scientific dragon and an arrogant scholar, well, maybe arrogant is a bit of an exaggeration, he has changed a little, maybe he's just... irritating? Yeah, that's better, he's just an irritating temperamental scholar, nothing more.... yeah, nothing more.

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I wonder how my mom is doing, by now the news should have reached her, is she worried? Anxious? Sad? Mad at me for not writing to tell her I'm okay? Or... maybe she hasn't heard and she thinks I'm blowing things up at the UPU, what are the chances of that happening? One in a thousand? One in a million? One in a billion? Who knows, me? I'm too tired to hazard a guess, and so I'm left with the hope that she is alright, I pray to the Gods that she is, otherwise I doubt I'll be able to keep it together, she's the only family I have left that I care for, I'm not ready to lose her yet, not yet, maybe I'll never be.

Looking back to all that has happened in the short amount of time I joined this strange party, there's one question that arises all the time, one question that my mind is unwilling to let go until it has an answer, an appropriate answer, do we really stand a chance against this order by ourselves? Right now... we don't, we're all hurt, any battle we engaged ourselves in would end in disaster, that's why we're hiding, for the time being we're only a nuisance to them, a nuisance that has to be eliminated for reasons unknown to me. But let's consider for even a moment that we get back on our feet and have all of our strength again, would we stand a chance them? or would we just die uselessly? I don't care if I die, but what about the others? Would they make it out alive when this is all over?

Don't take me wrong, I love being alive as much as any other person, well maybe a little less, yet I'm certain that I prefer to die that to watch others die, I doubt I could keep my cool if that happened again, if I had to watch someone I care for die in front of me again, if there was nothing I could do to save them.... I don't want to go through that again, one time was more than enough for a lifetime, though I'm sure this won't be the last time I see death, not by a long shoot, in fact, I bet this is only the beginning, of what I'm not sure, it could be the beginning of a revolution, a war, a discovery or reality could play its card and send into oblivion this... adventure?

I have trouble seeing a way out of this, or at least a way of getting out of this by ourselves, we need more information, a few allies wouldn't hurt either, heh, who would have thought that a half breed scholar would get involved in such a mess, although, that's not so important given the circumstances, the only thing that matters now is to survive through every mean available, and that's where the hard part comes, how can we survive this?