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The Emporium of Curious Goods

The Problem with More Than Addictive TV

by Rhuk the Raven

Almost a year later and I've yet to pen another of these stories? I'm quite the lazy bird lately, and I have to apologize for that. How about a laziness story? Yes, that'll have to do.

"So you have the list?" An impatient voice drifted up from the break room to Rhuk, who was currently fretting over a clipboard, sitting on his stool at the cash counter of that musty old store he helped run.

"Yes. I do. I also have all the objects I'm to note down onto it, and columns for each of their features, their activation, potential uses, potential prices..." The raven stopped occasionally to itch at his middle, under the blue t-shirt he was wearing where a very visible bandage could be seen.

"Yeah, yeah, I get you. You know what to do in an emergency, right?" Came the impatient voice again, and soon its' owner, Jeremy, chewing on a sandwich of unknown make.

"Bolt down the store and let it burn down, sir?" Rhuk's reply was prompt, and devoid of any emotion, his eyes half-lidded as he stared his boss down.

"Right. I won't be held liable for any fuck-ups while I'm off on vacation." Jeremy muttered as he walked through the main foyer, dragging a wheeled suitcase behind him. Rhuk rolled his eyes while his boss was focused on how to open the door with no free hands.

"You've got it, sir. I'll categorize all of these, then close down the shop until you return." Rhuk replied with a blank nod. The only response he got was a closing door and the jingle of dirty, rusty bells.

"Sir my tailfeathers. Wish he didn't pay me so well..." The raven muttered half under his breath as he looked up from the clipboard to the pile of oddities in front of him. Roughly twenty items of all sizes and shapes, old toys, some woman's dress, a TV...

Wait, a TV? The break room TV had just broken the other day when Rhuk had his... Accident. He'd gone without a break since then, and the prospect seemed extremely tempting, now that the boss was away...

"While the fox is away," Rhuk said, putting his clipboard down and hefting the TV with a grunt, clacking his beak and heading into the back. A moment later and the set was sitting where their old dusty dial-operated TV sat. This one wasn't much better, though thankfully it had buttons and a proper remote control; one of the buttons was missing, however, and many of the labels had faded. "The bird will play..." He mumbled, scooting about, plugging the set in and pulling up a chair.

"And we'll be back with sports, right after this message from our sponsors."

"Wait, what?" Rhuk looked up from his work, staring at the screen for a moment before looking down beside it. He hadn't plugged the cable in yet, and there clearly was no antenna. How was the damned thing picking up signal, then?

That thought de-railed itself instantly, because on screen was the largest, most delicious sandwich Rhuk had ever seen! Sure, it was just a burger, but for some reason the raven instantly began drooling, gaze fixed by the screen.

"Hungry?" An unseen voice said, as fries were added to the plate. Rhuk couldn't help but nod."Tired after a long day's work? Just want to unwind?" Was that a beer? It was, a beer was being set down next to the sandwich."Then pull up a chair, friend, and enjoy yourself here at Channel 0! The best programming the magical network has to offer!"

It was like a switch had been pushed in the raven's head, and before he knew it he was plopping down in the chair in front of the TV, remote in hand. Then something even stranger happened; the tray started to slide out of the screen! Complete with all of that delicious, mouth-watering food. He didn't even like beer, but it all looked and smelled so wonderful!

The aroma of fried potatoes, salted to perfection. The glistening of a perfectly-cooked hamburger patty, seared on the outside, pink on the inside--he didn't know how he knew, but he knew --, and even just the -foam- on the beer looked irresistible. It was everything the raven could do to hold himself back long enough for the tray to pop out and land softly in his lap; he instantly started to jam the juicy, hot sandwich into his beak.

The bird was instantly hooked. A cartoon came on, something about a green raccoon and a grey wolf. Rhuk wasn't paying attention. He was devouring his meal with endless gusto, laughing mindlessly whenever someone hit someone else with a hammer. It's like he knew what was going on on the screen, even though he wasn't focused on it!

When the second food commercial came on, the raven instantly started drooling again. Tortilla chips! He normally wasn't a fan, but then he could -smell- the salsa con queso served with them, and once again he had a lap full of food.

It's not his fault he ate it. He couldn't stop, even if he wanted to. It was all so good. As he finished the chips, the cartoon stopped for another commercial and now it was popcorn he was shoveling into his beak.

Popcorn gave way to steak. Steak gave way to fried chicken. Fried chicken gave way to a casserole. They all disappeared down the raven's endlessly hungry gullet. It was like something had opened up a pit inside him and he just couldn't fill it!

Rhuk became aware of a problem when he realized something was creaking, and abruptly was thrown onto his back when the rickety kitchen chair he was sitting atop collapsed. The mesmerizing 'Channel 0's spell was broken for a minute, and he got a good long look at himself.

The bird was amazed. A thick gut had grown, and he felt untenably full, like he was going to burst any moment! It rested atop his plump, swollen thighs, and he had trouble looking down at himself, as his beak pressed into a thick tube of fat that once was his neck. He could feel a heaviness across his chest, and even moving his arms felt slow and sluggish.

Before he could react, the mesmerizing voice of 'Channel 0' came on again. "What's the matter, bub? Inferior Swedish designed furniture getting you down? Try our authentic oak and down LA-Z-NESS recliner!"

Then he was sitting in the most comfortable chair of his life, legs propped up on a spring-loaded footrest. Just like that! One moment he was on the floor in a mess of splintered wood, the next in the lap of luxury, staring over his swollen, mountainous gut at the unearthly glow of that television set.

"Isn't that wonderful? We'll bring you back to the show after this sponsor!" The voice cheerfully replied. Another food commercial, and Rhuk couldn't help but let out a groan born of fear and longing all at once. A giant pot of stew, one of his favorites, and the top was even crusted over with perfectly baked biscuits. He could see it! Hell, he could smell it, then suddenly he could taste it, grunting! The pot was resting on his stuffed-to-the-brim gut, tilting into his beak, and it was the least he could do to gulp down flaky, stew-soaked biscuits, and thick, rich stew.

His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he groaned. He knew he couldn't take this, but it was all -so good-. His bandages itched, and his shirt had been long lost. Did it tear? Did he discard it? When did it go a--A hideous creaking filled the air, followed by a series of pops. His belt had snapped, the bandages across his belly following suit, and his only response was an ecstatic gurgle.

Then that was cut short, by a loud creaking noise, and finally a window-shattering BANG!

The only pane of glass left unscathed in the break room was the ominously glowing screen of the magical television, still showing 'Channel 0'. Though now through a layer of stew, feathers and bits of cloth.