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By the time Blain and I got out of the diner and made our way back to the beach, the sun was already set. The beach was desolated and we walked back in the direction we came from. The waves hitting the shore was very soothing to hear and the crescent moon was shining brightly in the distance... The stars came out of their slumber and illuminated the night-sky... Along the way, Blain talked the most... But I got so occupied with everything that I was barely even listening to what he said... At some point, we came across one of the many small wooden docks that were scattered along the shore... I walked straight towards it and sat down at the edge to clear my mind... I sighed quietly and took my flip-flops off, letting my feet down in the water... And just kept staring ahead at the beautiful scenery... A short moment later, I felt a hand on my shoulder and not long after that, Blain sat down next to me... 'What's wrong...?' 'Heh...' 'It moved you, didn't it?' 'It did, yeah...' 'Haven't you ever thought about getting in touch with people who experienced the same...?' 'Hm...' 'Because that's what I do... I go online, chat with other Sercian veterans, share stories...' 'My story is something I'd rather not want to share...' 'You're gonna bottle it up for the rest of your life then?' 'I've got other ways, Blain...' 'But you've never shown me your writings...' 'It's because its not meant for others to see... I take a bad memory and write it down, only to never look back at it again... You of all people should understand why I do that...' 'And I do...'

It stayed quiet for a while as I moved my feet around in the water... It felt so nice... I closed my eyes for a moment and sighed quietly... 'He looked a lot like my father, you know...' 'Who, Tarik...?' 'Yeah... Or... Maybe that's just what I want to believe...' 'Hm...' 'He seemed to have had the right age... But his stripe pattern didn't match...' 'It looks all the same to me, I honestly don't know how you can tell them apart.' 'Hehehe... A tiger's stripe pattern is unique, just like paw prints...' 'I see...' 'The last time I saw my father was the day he left with my little brother Sanjay to Jakurash to get supplies...' 'How long has it been...?' 'Sixteen years...' 'And you still don't know what happened to them...?' 'No, I still don't...' 'Perhaps the Red Cross is able to find them...' 'Heh...' 'I mean, it wouldn't be the first time that a family got reunited after many years...' 'Blain... The genocide that happened there took the lives of almost three million tigers... Innocent males, females, cubs... No one was spared during the raids...' 'Hm...' 'Almost three million, Blain... So I think it's best for me not to cling on to the idea that they somehow survived...' 'You can always try, right...?' 'Maybe...' 'Sixteen years is a long time to wander in the dark, Ceylan...' 'It is...' 'You should at least give it a try...'

An uncomfortable silence... I heard Blain sigh and we both stared in the distance for a while... I saw the stars reflecting in the calm ocean water... The moon was shining brightly and a soft breeze of a summers night came over us... Like you could almost touch it... It's peaceful... 'I know... It's just that, uhm...' 'Hm...?' 'I just got nowhere to go to whenever I want to see them... There isn't even a grave for me to visit whenever I need it the most... Never had the chance to say goodbye or...' 'You feel guilty about it...' 'Yes... Yes, I do... All the odds were against us that faithful night at the refugee camp and uhm... Somehow, I managed to have survived it while I shouldn't have...' 'Hm...' 'I didn't do anything when my mother got dragged outside... I didn't do anything when we got rounded up in that building... I kept hiding and, uhm... Eventually got caught...' 'What happened when you got caught...?' 'I passed out when I got hit on the back of my head and many hours later, I found myself all alone... The soldier who found me was dead and... I'm still not sure what happened...' 'What did you do...?' 'I kept walking around... When the sun came up, Osirian troops arrived but they were too late... Me and a handful of other survivors were taken care off but everyone else wasn't so lucky... The fifteen hundred Nedermerian soldiers who were stationed at the camp did not withstand the large scale attack by the RLA... None of those soldiers survived, they died defending us...' 'Heh...' 'It's strange because... I overheard conversations between my mother and other refugees during the night, telling horrible stories I couldn't even imagine... And that night, I saw for myself that the stories they've told were all true... |And everything changed that night...' 'People are capable of doing horrible things to each other...' 'Yeah... No one was spared...' 'But you were...' 'I'm not so sure of that... I might've survived it but... I'm not spared... I still have nightmares about it... Not as much as it used to be but... I don't have to be asleep to hear people crying for help... To hear their screams of pain and fear... I've seen how a young girl got decapitated with a machete... And even though it's been sixteen years since, I remember it like it was only seconds ago... Every little detail... I saw it happening... I heard it... I heard everything... And even today, I still do...'

That nauseous feeling was slowly crawling up my throat again the longer I talked about it... It became suffocating... Felt as if I could have a panic attack at any moment... Breathing became difficult, having a tremble in my voice that became worse the longer I talked... But then I felt how Blain pressed me close to him... To offer a shoulder to rest my head on... He gently started to caress my hair and that nauseous feeling slowly seeped away... It took a while for me to recover... 'You okay...?' 'Yeah... I-I, uhm... Heh...' 'What about Tarik?' 'What happened tonight with Tarik... I don't even know the guy but... I looked in his eyes and I saw so much grief and sorrow and... Seeing and talking to me reminded him of all the gruesome things that happened there... He saw the same things I did and it just... It just really moved me...' 'Maybe you should talk to him some time...' 'I don't know if that's such a good idea...' 'Trust me, it would... He needs to talk about it just as much as you do... I know what you're going through, Ceylan, I really do... But I wasn't there when it happened...' 'Hm...' 'You shouldn't feel guilty about it... Because you survived it for a reason...' 'I still don't know what that reason might be...' 'That shouldn't stop you from living your life and enjoy it to its fullest. You might not know that now but there will be a day when you do... And when that day comes, you'll be grateful that you lived long enough to realize that you didn't waste your life...' 'I know... I just really miss them...' 'I know you do and I know there's nothing that can ease the pain... But it's the way things are, Ceylan... Which is why you should live your life to its fullest... To enjoy the little things that you have and stop worrying over things you can't change...' 'Heh...' 'I survived Sercia for a reason because I was granted a second chance... And I know there isn't going to be another one for me... So I'm doing that right now... Enjoy everything I have, together... Here, with you...' 'Hm...' 'It's because I know the ones who passed away will listen to you, to guide you back when you feel lost... I don't think that death is the end... I think it's just the beginning... But you have to remember that they are not dead when you keep thinking about them... They're simply just not here anymore...'

Blain always knew what to say whenever I felt down... And it's sad because I've had such a wonderful day... I didn't want to end the evening we had like this... Not many people understand but Blain does... And I'm so grateful that he ever did... It felt that I wasn't alone in all this... Blain has seen a different side of war than I did, from a soldier's point of view... But that doesn't make it any lesser or why his perception should be different than mine... Because the things the two of us have seen is something you wouldn't want to wish your worst enemy... But like Blain, I too have my setbacks every now and then... Something happens that trigger memories of the past, things I'd rather forget... And at times like that, Blain was there for me when I needed him the most... I can't describe what it means to me... To be able to talk about it and to have someone who understands... I know he does... I sighed quietly and felt as if I could break out in tears at any moment... But when I looked at Blain, I saw how he smiled at me... And after I saw him like that, I smiled right back at him... He puts an arm around my shoulder and I closed my eyes the moment I held his hand... It made me calm down... Prevented me from shedding a tear... Something that made me feel safe... I felt the tingles in my stomach the moment I rested my head on his strong shoulder... I opened my eyes and watched how Blain was staring ahead in the distance... And that's when I said it to him... Very quietly... 'I love you...'

Blain looked at me and had another smile on his face... He firmly squeezed my hand the moment he did... And I just... Heh... I just didn't know what's gotten over me... Blain kissed my forehead, caressed my hair and whispered that everything would be alright... And when he kept staring at me, with that sweet, gentle smile on his face, something just... I don't know... Something just caused me to do it... So many overwhelming feelings and emotions... I can't explain it... And that's when I did it... At a moment I was at my frailest... I kissed him... Gentle, soft and tender... Closing my eyes and feel how everything that was on my mind floated away... Like he took all of my burdens off my shoulders... The moment might not have lasted long... It felt great... But that was also when I realized what I did... I stopped kissing him and snapped back to reality... I looked at Blain but quickly averted my eyes out of shame the moment I saw how surprised he was... And that's when I started to panic... 'O-Oh my god... I-I'm so sorry... Uhm... I-I-I didn't mean to... I-I, uhm... I-I've got to go...!' 'Whoa, whoa, wait, where you going? Ceylan!'

"How can you be so fucking stupid?! What the hell were you thinking?!" I got up and walked away from him as fast as I could... What the hell was I thinking, risking everything I have with him...? Why the hell do I keep doing this...? Why do I always fuck up...? Needless to say, I felt so ashamed that I had to get away from him... Blain kept calling me but I kept on walking... At some point, he managed to catch up and stopped in front of me, grabbing my shoulders and looking me in the eyes... 'I-I'm so sorry, Blain!, I-I-I didn't mean to a-and I just-' 'Calm down! Was it something I said?' 'N-No, I, uhm... Heh...' 'Come on, tell me...'

I sighed quietly and bit my upper-lip the moment I averted my eyes again... We never had secrets for each other... And I realized that I was risking everything I had with Blain if I told about my feelings for him... So I didn't... It's like a rollercoaster of emotions... One moment you feel on top of the world and the next, you feel empty on the inside... 'I-I'm sorry...' 'For what?' 'I don't want to change things between us...' 'Then don't.' 'It feels like I already did...' 'I'm really not following you... What's going on, Ceylan?' 'I just never meant to go that far...' 'You mean kissing me?' 'Yes...' 'Okay, so you kissed me and now you're upset. Was I that terrible?' 'Uhm... No... No, you weren't... It's just that, uhm... I don't know why I kissed you... It just happened... And that's why I panicked...' 'Hehehe...' 'Please don't take it the wrong way...' 'Naah...' 'Because you know, we both know that we're not the relationship material and stuff so...' 'Hm-mm...' 'So, uhm... Heh...' 'It just happened? Nothing else to it...?' 'Yes... And I'm sorry... So many things happened and I, uhm...' 'It's okay... Don't worry about it.' 'I had a brain fart just then... Hehe...' 'I think you just need a good night of sleep and stop worrying over things.' 'Maybe... I honestly hope this doesn't change anything between us...' 'Things hardly ever changed for us, did it...?' 'Heh...' 'You're asking a lot from yourself that it starts to take its toll on you... I'm still wondering why your hair hasn't turned gray yet...' 'Colour and Care... Black Ninety hair-dye...' '... Ah.' 'Hehe...' 'Maybe you should go home, get some rest...' 'Yeah, I think that's best for me...' 'Come on, let's go...'

Blain took my hand and we started to walk... We had all the time in the world so there was no need to rush our way back... It was a slow stroll across the beautiful scenery and it helped me relax and I was able to pull myself together again... It stayed silent between us for the first ten minutes until Blain found a way to break the silence... 'Haha, I honestly can't believe you walked away from me. I mean, how the hell was I gonna get home? You're the one holding the car-keys.' 'I would've come back for you eventually...' 'Yeah, by the time they've found my body.' 'I'd initiate an Amber Alert for you.' 'Hehehe...' 'No but, seriously... I wasn't gonna leave you, I just wanted some distance between us before you'd slap me in the face for kissing you...' 'Haha, I would never, especially after I saw you in action last Friday.' 'Hehehehe...' 'But I do feel violated...' 'Haha... Sue me...' 'Hehe...' 'Hey, uhm... Blain...?' 'Yes?' 'Next time I'm spreading retard all over the place, please, slap me in the face real hard, okay...?' 'No consequences?' 'Nope...' 'Duly noted. But don't walk away from me when you do so that I can slap you.' 'I will...' 'Haha, man, you can be such a drama queen...' 'Hm...' 'I really don't understand why females are always so dramatic about these kind of things...' 'I'm a female myself and even I don't know...' 'Hehehe...' 'I guess it separates us from the males.' 'Well, somebody has to think rationally. Might as well be me.' 'Haha...' 'Hehehe...' 'I still feel embarrassed about kissing you though...' 'Hell, I would've kissed myself too! You can't help it, I'm just irresistible that way.' 'Hehe...' 'No but seriously... It's okay, don't be embarrassed...' 'It's usually guys who do that sort of stupid things...' 'Hehehe, well, you are a bit of a guy.' 'Haha, hey, what is THAT supposed to mean, huh?!' 'The way you talk, the way you act. Sometimes you have these girly moments but that's why being around you is so much fun. You're so diverse.' 'Hihi...' 'Even your farts are manly.' 'I do NOT fart! Well, not when there are people around anyway...' 'Last week, at my house!' 'That was the leather chair!' 'Really? It didn't exactly sounded like a baby puffing out a candle.' 'Haha! That is your definition of a girly fart?' 'It's cute!' 'Oh please...' 'Hehehehe... I always joke that you're a butch but really, you're not...' 'I still don't know what a butch means...' 'A butch is a masculine lesbian or bi-sexual female. Goes beyond being a tomboy. A manly female, so to speak.' '... Ah.' 'Hehehe... You might act like a guy, talk like a guy, have the same interests as a guy... Hell, even fight like a guy but that's pretty much where the similarities end. You're beautiful and smart... Not to mention incredibly sexy and feminine...' 'Hahaha! I'm not sexy...' 'Hehehe...' 'You really think so...?' 'Yeah...' 'Hehe... So, uhm... What did you think about it...? About that kiss...?' 'It came as a real surprise, I wasn't expecting any of it...' 'Hm...' 'But it didn't mean anything, did it?' 'N-No, no, it, uhm... It didn't mean anything, no...' 'Nevertheless, you're a good kisser.' 'Haha... Let's just say I've had a lot of practice with different kind of lips...' 'Hehehe...' '... Pussy lips.' 'Yeah, I get it, haha... But uhm... Next time you're gonna kiss someone, you might want to use these...'

Blain reached out in his pocket and showed me a box of Tic-Tac's... I honestly had a hard time recovering from my laughing fit after seeing that... I laughed so hard that my stomach started to hurt... 'Haha, oh my god, you're terrible!' 'I'm terrible?! Dude, your breath was terrible! I could smell garlic from miles away!' 'I tasted kebab, Blain! That entire box of Tic-Tac's would NOT help you!' 'It would help neither of us...' 'Hahaha, oh man... My stomach hurts so much of laughing...' 'Hehehe...' '... Was my breath really that bad...?' 'Haha, no, man... I'm just kidding...' 'Ooooh...' 'Whadda ya mean, "Ooooooh"?? You're saying my breath was that bad?!' 'No, no, I just said I tasted kebab...' 'Whaha!' 'I've always liked kebab... I still got a few pieces stuck in my teeth...' 'That is so fucking disgusting, dude, even by my standards! Seriously! Haha!' 'Hahaha!' 'God, you're so awesome...'

I drove us home that night, feeling a lot better after talking to him... On the way back home, we kept joking and laughing... Once we got back, I parked my car in front of his house and even though I live next door, I stayed seated. Blain got out of the car and went to his house but then turned around when he noticed I still sat in the car. He looked a little baffled to see that I was but I simply waved at him and smiled... And then I drove off again, stopping in the parking spot in front of my house two metres up ahead... I heard Blain laughing his ass off as I couldn't help to laugh as well when I got out of the car... You have to understand our dry, stupid sense of humour though... It was a lot funnier when you actually saw it... Before I went inside, I walked up to Blain and gave him a firm hug... He placed his arms around me, holding me close... And that's when I said it... 'I want you to know something, Blain...' 'What's that...?' 'That kiss we shared might not mean something... But it does mean something when I tell you that I love you very much... And I really do... You're the greatest guy I've ever met...' 'Hehehe...' 'So... Thank you...' 'For what...?' 'For everything...'

Blain smiled at me... I hesitated for a moment... But then I gently kissed his cheek as a way to say goodnight... And he did the same by kissing my forehead... Before we went inside, we looked at each other and when I closed the door, I had a really big dreamy smile on my face...

I didn't want Blain to know about my feelings for him... At least, not that night... I'm not in love with him... But I now know for sure that I want to be more than just friends with him, like it used to be... Everything I had with Blain was exactly how it once was after he came home except for one thing... I've slept with him occasionally long ago and the more I spent time with him, the more I started to realize what was missing and the more I started to realize that I'm sexually attracted to him... It's still different than love... But the way I felt it came pretty close to it though... So no, that kiss actually did mean something... It didn't "just" happened... It happened for a reason... A reason I was now sure of... I wasn't able to hide my feelings for him anymore... But kissing him was also a test, to see how he would react... To see how he would feel about it and if he would take advantage of me or the situation... I don't know if I would've given in to it if he did... But he didn't... Blain didn't take advantage of me and like he said, nothing changed by kissing him... And I can honestly not tell you much it meant to me that he didn't... Because at times like that, you really get to know someone... It was an impulsive action of me that wasn't thought very through... But for once, my impulsive behaviour turned out for the best... It made me realize that Blain wouldn't take advantage of me when I was at my weakest and most certainly not when I'm at my strongest... I feel a little ashamed to have thought that Blain would take advantage of me if I ever gave in to my feelings for him... Because Blain never did in the fourteen years that we know each other... And he wouldn't do that now... He took it well... And it made me realize that I could tell him about my feelings for him when I felt ready to do so... So yeah, I can be a drama-queen... But for a good reason...