Misery
This is my first story...I don't know why I'm posting this here, maybe it's a cry for attention or something but this is practically me, sorry for posting this and upsetting anyone....I'll probably be taking it down....
"Why am I here?" I think to myself.
"Because your worthless and your trying to get drunk, but you can't even do that right can you, you have been cradling that drink for the last hour, I mean look at you, the bartender knows your trying to drown your sorrow's and even he is looking at you with pity in his eyes."
I turn my head and sure enough, the bartender is looking at me with pity, he quickly turns his head when I look at him as if trying not to be noticed but I did, and it makes me feel more like shit.
"Told you so"
"Shut up" but it came out half heartedly
I have always had these... I guess you can say voices in my head, I'm not crazy at least I don't think I am, and they don't tell me to kill people or anything, but well theirs two , one that's brutally honest, aggressive and well angry and another that's logical, analytical and smart but who often times doesn't say much and has little weight when up against brutal honesty, and then there's me Jake the submissive, no back bone who gets pushed around pathetic imbecile, and yea at this point I would be thinking the same thing as you are probably thinking "dude you need to get your head checked" but yea this is me, and the sad thing is you can almost say I was three different people if you saw me, because my personality kind of changes based on the three of us.
"Hey sir did you want a refill" said the bartender
"uh...n..no thank you" I whisper under my breath just loud enough for him to hear.
"Really "Hey sir did you want a refill", he can clearly see that you only have taken two sips from your drink, and come on did you honestly have to come to a gay bar just to get drunk! You could have just went to Bevmo! got your self-something and went home to get drunk but no you came to a gay bar! Wow if you can get any more of a worthless little pussy the world will surly end."
It was true I didn't have to come to a gay bar, I could have just got something and went home but, I wanted to be around other men, even if none of them looked my way, even if none of them saw me, I had this stupid fantasy playing in my head of some hot handsome wolf coming up to me and asking me out and then we would hit it off and we would have a happy ending.
"Think again you dumb shit, I mean look at you, your average at best, the only thing that's not average is you stomach and your dick, who the hell would want you!"
I cringed at that and took a huge gulp of my drink, he was right again, I was a less than average wolf being 5 11 at 278 pound most of it fat, and having a less than average reproductive organ, no one would want me.
I sighed
"shhhh its alright its just depression" says my other voice
"Holy hell if it isn't Smarty, you finally decide to grace us with your presence!"
I knew I was depressed, I've known it for a long time now, I've been to therapy to and the doctors, but unfortunately they don't think I'm depressed something about knowing that you're depressed doesn't necessarily make you depressed, and that because I can logically state why I'm depressed means that really I just need to vent. Thank you therapy and doctors! Fuckers.
"Brutal can you tone it down, he's already depressed enough as it is without you bring him down even more"
"No, it's good for him, it builds character!"
We all new that was a load of horse shit, he did it because it was fun, now you may be thinking "wow I'm surprised this guy hasn't committed suicide yet." Trust me when I say we have thought about it a lot, planed, researched, everything but if it's one thing that we call all agree on is that as much as Brutal brings me down we can never bring our self to commit suicide, no matter how hard it gets we can ever do it, and for being a big person and dealing with all this shit, I don't smoke or do drugs or anything to help me "get though the day" I may take a few sips of a drink here and there but never enough to get buzzed, but my weakness may not be any of those but I do have a few weaknesses I eat...a lot when stuff gets tough, I also withdraw from the world by drowning myself in video games and fantasy books, anything that allows me to not be me, that is my weakness and because of it I'm obese, I have diabetes, high cholesterol, a fatty liver, and being socially Inept when meeting new people or trying to make new friend's.
"Buzz"
I look at my cell phone, it was my mom.
"Hello"
"Hi, honey, I'm just calling to remind you to take your meds"
"Oh is it that late already? Okay thanks mom"
"No problem, is everything alright you sound sad"
"No I'm good, just at home relaxing"
"Okay, well I'll call you in the morning to remind you again okay?
"Thanks mom, and have fun in Hawaii, I love you"
"We will and love you too, bye"
I hung up the phone and put it away, so yep because of all my health problems I have to take medication, now because I don't commit suicide doesn't mean I'm not doing it, I am its just at a slower and longer pace, even though I tell my mom I'm taking my medication, I'm not, my diabetes is getting worse, so is my cholesterol and everything else, I am committing suicide, just not in the conventual way. I'm dying... slowly.
Now nothing has really been wrong in my life, I have a great life, friends that love me, and a family that loves me, I had an okay job and everything, but I have no purpose, I have nothing to live for, I'm just living it day by day, I wish I can give my time on this earth to someone that is more deserving, it's not right that I get to live this long life, when I don't want it, but someone that does get theirs cut short, it's just not fair.
Now some of you may say "you just need to set some goals, even if there little goals" I do. lose 5 pounds, I do, then I looking the mirror
"5 pounds where the hell did you lose that I can't see it, you're still ugly, from what I can tell!"
Then I gain 10 back.
Work hard at work.
"Hello"
"Hi Jake this is Kevin your manager I'm sorry to inform you but we need to let you go"
"...okay...I'll be there to pick up my stuff..."
Go on a date...
Next year....
Go on a date...
Next year...
Go on a date...
...
The only real good new I can think about is I'm not a virgin, my first time was with an older man, he could have been my grandfather, at the time I was naive, I wasn't attracted to him but I stayed we had sex him top me bottom, I thought maybe it was because I wasn't attracted to him, but then a year later I meet another stranger my age he was okay, but I like him enough but when he wanted me to top him....I couldn't get it up....erectile dysfunction at 19, I ran out of there and cried all the way home, I haven't been with anyone since that day 3 years ago, and probably never will, the thing is, is that when it's just me I'm fine I'm like a horny teenager that just discovered porn, but when I'm with someone all I can think about is;
"Oh god, am doing this right?"
"God I'm so ugly, why did they want me?" and then Brutal would replay
"They just want a hole to fuck! So let them!"
I am my own worst enemy, when I try to break out, when I try to break the shackles of depression, a hand reaches from the darkness and drags me back down and adds more shackles then the last time, it gets harder and harder to escape I'm at my last breath, I feel like I'm suffocating, there's no light, just empty cold darkness.
My one wish in this world is to find someone to be with, someone that makes me want to be better, someone I can live for, if I can't live for myself, that is my one wish, it's the wish that I ask for every shooting star, every wish bone, every penny I toss in a fountain and every birthday candle I blow out, is just to find and be with someone...maybe it's all of the romance novels I read, that have filled my head with these fantasy's, theses so called The One, and Soul mate, or whatever else they call it, I dream of our life and how it would be, holding hands, hugging, walking on the beach, watching the sunset, having a picnic in a park, watching movies at home and stuffing our faces with caramel kettle corn popcorn, and then going to bed, with you holding me tight, and then I wake up alone and cold and I cry for the loss of a dream that will never be, and then I start my day mechanically.
My friends and family don't know how I feel, they don't know my pain, I'm good at acting mostly normal around them, but when I'm alone everything comes out, and then I try to drown myself in a fantasy world, to get away and be someone in that dream.
I'm almost done with my drink, but there's still no buzz, nothing, the ice must have watered down the alcohol.
"Really! For fucks sakes, if I wasn't you I would shoot you just to end your misery"
I finish off my drink, and I put a 20 down and leave, the drink didn't cost that much but I left the rest as tip for the bartender as an apology for being a waist of space at the bar. I look at my cell phone on the way out wow 12:30 am.
"Really 2 and a half hours for one drink!!"
I just ignored him, I walked out into the cold night heading for my car, and thinking weather or not I would really die if I jumped in front of a car or if I would survive and come out of it worse than before.
I had a similar thought driving over the bridge, but I could never let myself go through with it, final I got home, or I should say my parents' home, I haven't had a job in four years after I got laid off, I've put in apps everywhere mostly with the state but no one calls or anything so I act as a maid for my parents, until I can find something else they also let me live with them in return, I get upstairs and head for my room luckily everything is quiet, around me and in my head.
I lay down but it always takes a while for me to fall asleep, but that's enough time for me to cry silently, hot blistering tears stream down my muzzle flattening the fur, I cry because I know I'm going to have that wonderful dream again, but I cry because I'm going to wake up and know that, that's all it was a dream, I don't want to wake up I want to stay in the dream where the harsh world of reality won't get me.
So I cry....
I cry to sleep....
Hoping to never wake up.