FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

When he first came into the company, I was intrigued by him. It all started where the shepherd came along with his group of people and approached me. At that time, it was as if he was the alpha of the group from my wolfish point of view. I was aware of the new postings into the company, but I didn't expect them to come to me. I was fiddling with my gaming console as he approaches.

"Hey," he called out.

I turned to him, meeting his eyes, "Yes? Can I help you?"

It wasn't like the dog was arrogant, actually; perhaps a little, but there was also friendliness and honesty in his eyes as his muzzle twitched into a small smile.

"I'm looking for a panda, is there a Terence here?" he asked with a strong English accent.

"Oh. He's inside, but busy at the moment. He will be done soon. You could just wait for him," I replied.

I was about to turn away when someone within the group recognised me.

"Typh?" an otter stepped out from behind.

"John!" I barked in return. John and I acquainted from outside before I came into the company. He took up other course, only to be posted into the same company as me. I was glad to find another familiar face in the company. I ended up talking to the otter about this company while the shepherd listened, learning about this new company that they had just been posted to.

Anyway, the german shepherd never formally introduced himself to me or said anything else. He ended up finding Terence who emerged from the room behind me leaving John and I to discuss about the company.

Over time, I heard bits and pieces about the new members of the company. From Terence, I learned that his name was Abel and he... has issues with himself. I didn't ask much then, but the panda told me that he was like... well, me.

Terence and Abel had worked together before, which was where they first met. While Abel was enthusiastic about their friendship, Terence seems a little irritated by his company though. I didn't suspect anything then because Terence has always disliked anyone's company. For some odd reason, he is one who valued his solitude in our workplace but never seem to be able to get it because everyone loves interacting and annoying the hell out of him.

Anyway, they gave me the idea that they were great friends. I mean, how lucky could they be, being able to be colleagues again, after having to work together before. I was told that they were paired up as workmates in their previous workplace.

And did I mention that Abel is good looking? I guess that was why he caught my interest in the first place. Although for a GSD he wasn't the fittest, but he has a bulky, hunky shape, just that his muscles was not defined, but covered by a layer of fat. I complimented him on one occasion and his reply was, "You think so? Hmm. I've only been told I'm good looking when I'm here."

I thought he was being humble, but according to his personal history, he had never been attached even once, which was odd, considering his looks and bulk. I didn't want to pry too much and ask why, but yes, sadly he is a straight dude... his stash of Japanese hentai upskirt videos pretty much confirmed it so.

Another unique thing about him is his scent. After having more interactions with him, I began to be able to recognise his scent. His scent is... interesting. It doesn't smell bad at all, neither was it like perfume. Perhaps that was the smell of his home (people tend to smell strongly of their home... or their wardrobe.), but the scent is always there even when he is sweating. Either his sweat is odourless, or that was his natural scent. No one could confirm that for me though, apparently I'm the only one who decided to give our new friend a sniff (and risk one while he was sweating madly)... Is this a canine thing? Or no one else can smell it?

With my piqued interest, I began to start... noticing him. Well, partially due to the fact that he always came around to hang out with Terence. And when he hanged around his best friend (that was what I thought then), he would converse with us too, to make things less awkward. It wasn't much that we talk about though, he always shied away from personal question, and he tended to put his focus on Terence.

So for months, I don't really know much about him on a personal level. On the outside though, he was friendly, helpful, a little bit of a prankster but has no bad intentions. I don't see how he was 'a bit like me.' He was probably everything that I wanted on the outside. Compared to him, I'm skinny and weak, shy and serious if not a little scary to others. And he looks great, like really. With desirable traits like that, how on earth could he be like me? And it wasn't like he was gay.

I was curious, naturally, but I didn't have much personal time with Terence to ask about it. I can't ask him during work when our colleagues are around, and during our break time, Abel is frequently hovering around him. I barely had time to talk to Terence about Hakon, much less about his best friend. But I did try to ask Terence as much as I could; in fact, I ended up getting hooked into console gaming with them both.

So somehow, we ended up playing games together. That also meant that I got to spend more time with them both. I didn't interact much with them together before, I always gave them some 'alone best friend time'. But now, it became us three hanging out often to play games. It wasn't after a while before our gaming group began to expand.

Even though we became great gaming buddies, he still remained distant to me. It was as if we were only friends during the time of our gameplay. I wasn't that surprised, I guess, when I tried to converse with him alone, and he deflected it to an invitation of playing games.

He remained a mystery to me, until one day, when Terence was getting restless and irritable easily. I was disturbing the panda, out of sheer fun (like I always do), but he ended up snapping at me and growling, startling me. He apologised afterwards at my reaction, although he insisted that I was being excessively irritating. This happened frequently for a while (I am a patient wolf, and I just love to tease the panda), before one time, when I prodded my finger at his side and he had no reaction other than a tired grunt.

I would usually think that it just his usual laziness and love of sleep, because Terence is also another individual that does not reveal his personal issues and bottle up his feelings (and still does today). I acknowledge that fact, but I am still concerned for him. I still asked him if anything was wrong, even though I know it is most likely 'I'm just really tired.'

Surprisingly, this time he decided to tell me what was wrong. I don't know what compelled him to do so, but I'm not complaining. Instead of his usual, 'I'm just really tired.', he tossed his phone to me and said, "You tell me. You're the one who's like him."

I raised my eyebrow at his phone, wondering what is going on. I read through the messages, and found the contents slightly disturbing.

It was a lengthy message, writing about how apologetic he was, that he was pathetic and overthinking things. It was even more surprising that it came from Abel.

"Well," I asked, "so... what's wrong? He just needed a listening ear, no?"

"You don't understand," the panda sighed, "You remember yesterday we introduced him to DotA?"

"Yeah?"

"It was his first few times playing that game, and well, you know how his performance was," the panda said, "It was terrible, but it was expected of a beginner. I don't blame him. No, I don't even think that it was a problem."

"You mean the problem was because he feels that he is terrible at DotA?" I asked.

"Exactly. He told me that he felt that he was being a burden to us, and I replied him that it doesn't matter since it was his first few times playing it," the panda sighed again, "But no matter what I tried to tell him, he was just insisting on how bad he was at that game, that he felt pathetic and I don't know what crap."

"Well, don't you think you are being a little impatient here?" I asked.

"You were not the one who had to tolerate him," Terence shot back, "This happened more than a few times in different occasions. And it is always me that he confides in."

"You're his best friend, it shouldn't be surprising."

Terence simply snorted contemptuously before confessing, "I have hardly known him for more than a year."

"Really? I didn't know that. I thought you two knew each other even before you started working," I said.

"Well then I'm sorry to burst your bubble. We're not as close as you think we are," he said, "Anyway, help me find a way to reply him, you should know what to say to him since you two are similar."

I rolled my eyes, "Why do you keep saying that? How am I similar to him?"

"You two tend to overthink things, then blow things out of proportion and hide at one corner feeling depressed," Terence said, avoiding eye contact.

"I don't do that..." I argued weakly.

"Yeah right. Ever since I've met you, you have been brooding about how life sucks, why unlucky things happen to you, and then going down the cycle of depression that shows on your muzzle," the panda said harshly.

"Oh come on. You too admit that I'm one unlucky dude. You also have to admit that training was freakishly tough on me; I'm not even as physically strong as you are. And let's not forget about Hakon," I said.

"Doesn't change the fact that you are almost always depressed and spread a negative aura around you," Terence said.

I didn't know whether to be angry at him or not. It was insulting, yes. But nonetheless it was true. I was often seen as depressed, it was partially true because I simply did not feel truly happy to be showing off my 'happy side'. As for about my negativity... I would say that it is only because they didn't want to listen to the harsh truth.

I let out a small growl in annoyance as he smirked at his words. I decided not to contest his statement and began to compose a reply for Abel. After some thinking, I tapped at his phone before sending off the text.

Terence looked at me suspiciously, "What did you send him?"

"Something that will make him happy. I told him that it was okay, that all he needed was practise, and how you are willing to be there for him as his listening ear if he ever needs it in the future," I said, "that is what he really wants, if you ask me. We're supposed to be similar, no?"

Terence wasn't very convinced until his phone buzzed and in came Abel's reply consisting of two messages long of gratitude and thanks. Terence looked up feeling a little surprised while I beamed at him smugly, "Now_you_ have to keep to your word."

Terence frowned, probably wondering if he had done the right thing.

-

A few days after that, we still played together as per normal. Abel never showed any signs of any troubles happening to him, and Terence was just being Terence, lazy and all. Terence and I never talked about the incident since. And Abel seemed to be contented by the message I sent, which makes me wonder if he even suspected that the message wasn't really from Terence. I certainly didn't type like him that day. Oh well. Since they acted as though nothing happened, I should too.

That incident gave me a glimpse of Abel's true personality. It was a surprise to see such insecurity from him as compared to the confident shepherd that he displays on the outside. I didn't approach him to talk about it either, since I wasn't supposed to know. There were many questions to be asked, but I can't... Abel has no inclination to talk anything personal to anyone other than to Terence.

So for weeks it was back to normal, life goes on and we still worked and played together. I did begin to notice Abel's behaviour during and after our DotA matches ever since what Terence had told me. He seemed as though he was on the edge of bursting into the computer screen to join the fight himself during team fights, has a tendency to tap his mouse hard repeatedly on the pad with loads of swearing when his character died, and at the end of each gaming session, he was all quiet. I never noticed until now that he clams up after every session, probably thinking how bad he had been performing when none of us actually blame him for anything. I mean, it's just a game after all... We're logical enough not to mix gaming capabilities with real life friendships, you know, perhaps except Abel?

Sometimes after our sessions I would find the both of them missing... most likely to talk again. I can only assume that it is the same problem as before. I wasn't surprised anymore when the next month after the previous incident; Abel was in a very depressed mood the next day after another gaming session.

"What happened? Abel seems really down," I asked Terence casually.

Terence gritted his teeth while his black paw scribbled with a pen, writing the paperwork for equipment loan with a penmanship of a doctor, "I don't know, you can go and ask him yourself. I don't want to know."

"But you do know that he won't tell me... He only talks to_you_," I said, grabbing the paper that he had been writing and checking through the format, "You really need to improve on your handwriting..."

The panda ignored my last comment and continued writing on the next page, "I wished I wasn't the only one, I really do. It is tiring on my side, you know that? Anyway if you really want to know, just ask him. You are similar to him, so getting him to talk to you should be easy. I couldn't care less anymore."

"That's not very nice to say..." I raised my eyebrow, looking away from the horrendous handwriting to the panda's face.

Terence thought for a bit, "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. Sigh. I'm just tired..."

That evening, I decided to go for it and talk to him. I don't remember why I decided to do it, it could be curiosity, or that he is a good looking canine, but I just did. He was cold, when I first approached him. He kept saying it was nothing, that there's nothing to worry about, quickly bringing up his usual social image up to deter me. But I never gave up and continued to prod for answers. Gradually his answer from 'it's nothing' changed to 'you don't understand'.

I found that particular gesture familiar. What Abel is doing now was exactly how I would act if I were in his shoes. This was not entirely about attention seeking; I know what he was doing because it is true. Everyone that we had tried to turn to never really understood us. They always say it is not that bad, or I'm sure it will work out somehow, or everyone has their problems. None which makes us feel batter in any way. Perhaps it was that this generation doesn't care about others anymore.

With the new sense of familiarity, I decided to take a different approach. I knew what I would want right now if I were him: someone to trust, someone who understands. But I could just be assuming.

"I am willing to try, if you would tell me what is wrong," I said quietly. Abel fell silent too, possibly feeling the seriousness in my tone.

"I just can't..." he argued weakly, "I'm not as sane as you think. I'm a weirdo."

"Well, that's a start..." I said gently, "Did you have a bad day? You aren't usually like that."

The dog barked a hollow laugh, "I wished it was just that simple. You don't understand me. You don't know the truth about me. I am crazy. I know because I always sound mad. Would you believe me if I told you that I have voices in my head? Like a different side of me telling me things?"

"What kind of things?" I asked.

"That I am useless, pathetic bitch?" Abel confessed, "I don't want to hear it. I hate it. I even had once considered going to the mental hospital a few years ago, I was at it entrance before I bit myself to wake up and ran. Crazy ain't I? Have you ever had a voice nagging in your head that-"

"-is always trying to bring you down? Imagining another alternative life so real that you thought that you were really living in it? To wake up and realise nothing was real? That you will never ever get what you want or ever be happy?" I asked.

Abel's eyes widen slightly. I sighed as I knew that I had hit home. I'm not proud to have these thoughts either. I had always thought I was alone feeling like this, but now... not anymore... I didn't know how to feel.

"You..." Abel said, "You just took the words out from my mouth."

"And I had just found someone who understands how I feel sometimes, where no one else could understand," I said, "So... what's bugging you? These thoughts have a trigger to begin with."

Abel sighed, "It's Terence. I... I want to be his best friend. But he isn't too eager. I know he doesn't want to be too close with me, but I need him. I need this friend. We might not have been friends for a very long time, but I really want to be great friends with him. Not just a hi-bye acquaintance, not a friend only during work hours, but a true friend that can be there for me, support me, like real brothers-in-arms, you know?"

"But I guess he doesn't feel the same way for me," he continued, ears drooping down, "I don't blame him, all I do is pelt him with my problems, but I always try to make him happy, you know?"

"I can see that," I said, "Initiating to play games with him, talking to him all the time, showing him new anime and stuff."

"Sounds a lot, but trust me, I actually do not have very much in common with him. Games and anime is pretty much it," Abel said sadly, "I know you might say that I could just find someone else, but... you know how the people around here are like. None of them actually want to have a true friend; all they think about are themselves."

"But Terence is different," I said, "Because he is an honest man that actually listens."

Abel nodded, "And he had been there for me when I first met him... He always tells me that if I had problems I could find him to talk."

"Does he share his problems with you too?" I asked.

Abel shook his head this time, "No. This friendship had been pretty one-sided."

"And that is why I'm not trying to be close friends with Terence," I said, "I think we both know that he does not like to share things about himself to others... and he is actually selfish sometimes when it comes to his comfort, because he is very lazy."

"Just like a panda should," Abel said, "I do want to share his burden if he has problems... But he wouldn't. I feel bad relying on him to hear all my problems... I think it is just fair for him to share with me too..."

"I know it might suck to hear this, but the truth is he is going to act like that pretty permanently," I said, "and that is a problem."

"Why thanks," he replied bitterly, "I hate to admit it, but you're not wrong... and yes that is the problem. I just hope that he would change one day, you know... And time to time I would imagine life where he would..."

"I know I know. And I guess you had thought giving him up but you can't? Although there might be no hope at all?" I said.

"Yes," he admitted, "You... you have the same problem as I do? About Terence?"

"Terence? No," I said, "I know how the panda is like; I won't want to be close friends with him when he obviously doesn't want one."

"Then who is it?"

"Do I have to?" I asked hesitantly.

"After all that I had told you? You can tell me about your story too, you know," the canine said.

"It isn't someone in our company, so..." I said, hoping he would drop the subject.

"Come on, be fair," he insisted. It seemed that there's no other way other than to appease him.

"Do you how you have this friendship issue with Terence? Mine is almost the same... only on a higher level, a relationship level," I said.

"Relationship level?" he asked, "You mean you want to be in a relationship badly with someone?"

I nodded in return, gulping.

"Who is that?" Abel frowned, "Is that person... male?"

I closed my eyes and sighed.

"I'm fine if it is a male you know," he added, "It may not-"

"Yes," I gulped, nodding fervently, "he is a brown grizzly. I had a crush on him for a year now... Even if we aren't studying in the same school together anymore, I still think of him occasionally."

With that, I filled in the details about Hakon to him, how I had longed for his attention and never got it, how I had felt during the entire time, and Terence's relation to Hakon. All the time he had been listening, relating to the feelings. After telling him my story, I felt great. It was different than when I told Terence, I felt that Abel somewhat understood the useless hopes I had for Hakon and my thoughts about it, something that had never happened before in my life.

We talked about other small things after that, about his family background and everything. His parents were divorced and he lived with his mother together with his brothers. He had godparents who were once his teachers that had decided to take him under their care. He was never ashamed of admitting that his parents were divorced, since his father was a womanizer, a man whore (as he explicitly put it), dumping his mother for another woman for money. He hated his father, and ignored him whenever he came over for visits. Now that his pups had grown up, was he here to look for people to take care of him, or to look for more money? He certainly does not deserve any of their care. With that, he also admitted that he totally hated it when people pitied him when they found out about his parents.

Over time, I would talk to Abel once in a while, talk about personal things and our thoughts about it. It was surprising how close we thought about the same situation. But we do have our differences... other than our thoughts about a particular problem, we were very different. The physical part is obvious, I was scrawny and he was hunky. Our personalities were different too, just as our likes, habits, and sexual orientation. He was more of a childish personality with a pranking mind while I was way more harsh and serious. His hobby was to collect and build Gundam robots, something that I can never figure out, while my hobby... I don't think I have one. He has funds from his godparents to support his hobby after all while I have none...

It was after the next gaming session when I talked to him again, because he felt down again, and Terence had not bothered to console him or whatsoever.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, "You are very quiet ever since we stepped out of the gaming centre."

"This is another part that I hate about myself actually," Abel said directly, "I hate being a burden."

"You mean earlier?"

"Yeah," Abel said, "I know I sucked... while you and Terence had killing sprees working together."

"Are you being jealous right now?" I said, raising my eyebrows.

"Yea- uh... just a little," he hesitated, "I certainly did not have the same spree when I paired with Terence. And I don't react well in team fights..."

"But you are just starting to learn and get used to the game... You don't have the years of experience that Terence and I accumulated... I can't expect you to be on the same level after a month, you would have been a gaming prodigy," I said.

"I know..." he said, "But I can't help feelings useless... Like I could have done things better."

"And you would if you continue to practise and get the hang of it," I said.

"Still... I just want to be good, you know," he explained, "One of the reasons I started playing was because I wanted to play with Terence."

"O.. Okay... And the other?"

"Hmm," he pondered, "how do I put it? Because I've never played these kind of games before? Doesn't it surprise you? I only started playing computer games recently."

"Oh?" I asked.

And then he went on explaining himself, allowing me to look into his past. He had been a proud kid when he was young. When his dad left him, he was only eight, and being the second eldest, he had to help his mother and take care of his other brothers. His elder brother was rough and crude, often getting into fights and does not seem to care about the family's well-being. So Abel being the second eldest had to fill in the role. He took great determination not to grow up like his elder brother, and took great pride in that. On top of that, he also went to take on Christianity as a religion and even took the words of the religion very seriously. At that time, he would follow the book by heart, along with their teachings. Even thinking about sex was a no-go to him. He was bright too, where he had achieved good results as a student. All these factors snowballed him into a complete snob. He was great at studying, the committee of the student's council, and a devoted follower of his religion. To him he strived to be the perfect man, but to everyone else, he was just a proud prick that had no real friends or a life. He had superficial friends, all right, all there to make full use of him and his power, but at that time he was contented with that. He had such self confidence in himself, even looking down on others who were not as academically capable as him. Playing was a waste of time, and studying was a discipline, he would say.

It was all high and mighty for him, until his last year in high school where he no longer performed as well in his academics. His results began to drop as he couldn't cope with his studies anymore. He also met a classmate who loved to pick on people to talk about girls and other general knowledge. It just so happened that the same classmate made him question his faith, up to the point of renouncing it entirely with a flaming vengeance.

In other words, his perfect pretty world shattered. Not long after, he met Terence and then now. This also means that in his entire life as a pup till now, he had missed out a lot of experiences in his life and playing computer games turned out to be one of them. He had never partied hard, never had a true friend, never dated, and so much more that he never did. Even an introvert wolf like me had experienced more things than he did.

So now he is trying his best to get back into the trend and experience things that he had missed, but seemed really pissed by his own progress. Of course such things were never meant to be rushed... but I guess what he meant was that he really regretted being a snobbish religious prick for his pup years. I couldn't blame him.

"I know what you are trying to do," I said, "But can't rush these things."

"I am trying hard to get rid of the thoughts. I know it is just logical that I can't rush experiences..." he sighed, before giving a small smile on his muzzle, "Thank you."

I was glad that I could help him in any way. From then on I kind of made it a personal goal to help him out of these unhappy thoughts. I know I would want someone to help me when I'm lost.

And so after that day, I would look out for him, talking to him when he feels down. Terence couldn't be happier at this arrangement, like having a problem lifted from his shoulders. It was pretty bastard of him to be like that, to be honest. I mean, Abel wasn't that bad, right?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that one day Abel told me how jealous he was about Terence and Jason, another colleague of mine, how they are seemingly close friends with each other. I noticed that too, that Terence had found a new friend to play with. Terence's interaction with us had noticeably dropped. I was a little annoyed by that fact, but it didn't matter as much to me compared to Abel. He was so jealous at them that he ended up falling out with Terence. The panda was just as pissed at the dog when he found out about the jealousy. To Terence, it was as if the dog was trying to put him on a leash and be possessive of him.

And I, being sandwiched between them, tried to explain on both sides, not really wanting them to break their friendship over something so trivial. I didn't even know why I bothered sometimes. Perhaps because I knew that Abel would be devastated if that friendship broke? Or it could be just that I want to get back at Terence for dumping Abel at me. It was so awkward that we no longer played games with each other anymore.

Both of them also talked in private sometimes and never told me what they ever talked about until I asked. I felt as though they didn't even appreciate my role in their friendship (Terence even flared at me for being fucking irritating). This occurred even after their friendship 'problem' has been resolved. Apparently they had come to an agreement when Terence scolded Abel for being such a mad possessive friend, and Abel snapped back at Terence, spewing hurtful words before realising what he had done. Terence took that chance and gave him up entirely, telling Abel that they will only ever be friends and nothing more. Abel could not argue but to agree, content that Terence didn't avoid him forever.

Since they had somewhat split up, Terence was probably happy to have more fun hanging out with Jason, while I was left to Abel, knowing that he must have been really hurt by that incident. It was really odd how things had turned out this way. And so I had begun to drift away from Terence, while Abel got closer to me. But before I knew it, the friendship between Abel and I was beginning to turn one-sided on my side. Whenever I had problems (the Rob one), I had to be the one to initiate to talk to him. Although he said he would want to be there to talk with me... but he was just being no different than Terence. I didn't feel that he was actually caring enough to be there for me. In fact, I felt that he no longer listened to me. Even when I asked him to hang out he would promptly decline.

I don't know if I was just unlucky or not. I mean I had that problem with Rob which hurt me really bad and Abel was not being very supportive. Everything just built up inside me and I just gave up. I decided to just withdraw my help to Abel. I was being taken for granted. I even told him that I don't feel appreciated enough... Was he even listening?

Before I could execute my decision, Abel had turned cold on me. I never figured what on earth I did wrong. I thought I did something wrong. I even went back to ask him, and it was more like coaxing a pup to talk rather than reasoning with a full grown shepherd. Yet he wouldn't budge. Even when I asked to talk to him in front of everyone else, he ignored me in front of everyone. I didn't even know what I had done to be punished like this. Like my life wasn't trashed enough.

That was when I had enough. Fuck them all. I gave up on Rob and Abel entirely, before stomping back to Terence, growling at the confused panda, "I don't care if you're pissed or irritated by me anymore. I'm gonna irritate the shit out of you and there's nothing you can do about it."

Terence only gave a shit eating grin, "Sure. And let me see, something happened between you and Abel? Welcome on board."

And now, I'm back to being alone again. Terence still wants to hang out with Jason and I respect that. Terence might have been guilty for flaring at me the other time, but he never told me. Now and then Terence and I will play together like before, and I never try to overstep my boundaries as a friend; I give him his privacy and isolation that he longs for.

All I look forward to is just to complete my term in the company and never see Rob or Abel ever again. Am I just unlucky to meet them or what?