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Ferret Chess

Oh is this seat taken? Thank you, thank you, I really needed to rest my feet. It really is a beautiful day today isn't it? I tell you it's quite wonderful living here this time of year, almost magical. Oh my! Is that one of the pastries from the new bakery down the street? It looks just marvelous. I'm using up all my strength not to drool right now. You know, that reminds me of a tale. Tell me do you know the origins of ferret chess? Never heard of ferret chess? You must be mistaken; it's one of this country's favorite pastimes. No, no, sit back down and let me tell you of the circumstances that began this fantastic game. It's about as delightful as that pastry!

In a land far away called ... called ... oh, who cares what it's called--it doesn't matter! You won't be going there and if you really wish to, you'll have to pay many travel fees like hotel bills and plane tickets and that's between you and your travel agent. I don't want to be the middle man. In this land, kings did not fight wars with men and machines, nor with sword and steel, nor weapons of mass destruction. Blood did not stain trampled ground here. Maidens did not weep for loved ones fallen in battle. No, the rulers of this land had evolved into a much higher level of civilized intellect in that they had done away with barbaric blood-stricken wars. They still used armies, but these were not armies of men. These armies fought on a battlefield but it was not one that you and I would think of; it was not made of great proportions and land masses. No, their armies were pieces and their battleground, a board. These nobles would settle their disputes with their minds, battling against each other in a grand game of chess.

How did ferrets get into it you ask? Keep your britches on. I'm getting to that part. You act like you have a bus to catch or something. It had become a great tradition in the land to settle disputes with this game of kings. By preserving the life of their countrymen, and speeding up the process by not letting wars wage on for years to come, they had increased the citizens' standard of living ten-fold. Yes, the land had truly prospered when they laid down their weapons and fought a much less dangerous battle of wits between leaders. As an outcome, intelligence grew throughout the land. Rulers were educated not in war but strategic elements to outwit their opponents. The townsfolk adapted the game to settle feuds and debts and other grievances against one another, making chess the land's favorite pastime. Be warned though, this did not make the land any less evil. Men's hearts still grew greedy and cold and although blood was rarely spilled, war still did wage on. In fact, this tale begins with the takeover of the land of Cruller by the nation of Bearclaw. It was an incredibly close match, sweat dripping from brows, the air thick with tension, excitement and--...

Oh wait I should probably give you some insight as to what led to this battle of epic proportions. Let's see then... I guess it truly began with a change in leadership in Bearclaw. The nation of Bearclaw had been on a rampage for the last few months, cutting through countries and trampling them underfoot (figuratively of course--remember, there was no physical warring). This nation was not always so bloodthirsty for conflict. Their previous leader, Baron Undrmach, had been happy with their collection of land in the northern mountains. He saw potential in their tree-infested backwoods and established the finest lumber mill in all the land which brought much wealth and prosperity to the nation. It naturally went hand in hand that he created the finest furniture warehouse in all the land as well. Hand-carved credenzas like you'd never seen before! Seriously, I got my mother one for her birthday and it's absolutely stunning. If you're planning on visiting, make sure your travel agent also books you for the tour of the furniture museum. I mean the ottomans alone are... My apologies, I'm getting off track. You see, Undrmach had developed a great nation using the resources he had but he inevitably grew old.

When he passed away, his younger, ruthless cousin Ovarmach took over. He had been long waiting in the wings for the seat of power and when he finally sat on that throne, his eyes held an evil gleam. Some ay a shadow was cast over Bearclaw the day he took power. Baron Ovarmach declared war almost immediately against the neighbouring nations. First, without warning, fell the kingdom of Strusell, home of the largest mining operation throughout the land. Ovarmach flattened the miners in a quick match that collapsed his competition. After that the wheat fields of El'clair were conquered. The bakery industry faltered for a short time causing a giant pastry drought to plague the land. I personally mourned the loss of their glazed pull-a-parts; they would just melt in your mouth. So amazing they were that it's causing me to salivate right now at the thought of them. Gah! That damned tyrant! How could he take down the pastry industry without even a single tear of remorse! Excuse my outburst, I must apologize but I do get a little carried away when it comes to political bakery debacles. As you can clearly see the man was truly evil and had no respect for delicious, delectable baked goods. It seemed the man could not be stopped. All those years in his cousin's shadow he had perfected some new strategic chess maneuver that conquered all who opposed it. Things looked grim for the land. Who knew that when the... oh, I'm sorry I haven't explained the other half of the story.

Look at me jumping around the plot. I've forgot a very important detail. So! Throughout the world, each country, territory, land, yard, etc. has its share of vermin. From cockroaches to rats to spiders to those little bugs with wings and spots that wait just til you've sat down and are about to fall into a lazy, midday nap when they fly up your nose causing you to freak out in disgust, swatting around, sneezing and coughing of which the only consequence is the spilling of your long island iced tea all over your lap. They are all vermin indeed. Well this land was unique in that it was infested with neither rats nor pigeons but ferrets. You're not familiar with ferrets you say? I suppose you could say they're like a weasel with a Slinky installed. Or like a smaller land otter that hoards things. Yes, ferrets, you see, are the ninjas of the animal kingdom. They slink and sneak around looking for things that fancy them. Then when you aren't looking, they pounce from the darkness and steal all your pretty, shiny things. Your baubles, brooches, watches, and rings are never safe. Just having one of these little rascals around makes you cautious about what you left lying about. Just imagine what it must be like to live in a world where the biggest group of thieves is a species of weasel living in your walls and alleyways as well as any nook and cranny they could hide in. Perhaps the biggest problem was that they're so incredibly cute that no one person could bring themselves to exterminate these little bandits. At first you become frustrated or even angry to see the ferret dash away with your silver watch or golden earring. But before the little guy would run too far, he would look back at you with the piece of jewelry hanging in his jaws and head cocked slightly to the side, and at that point you would be at the mercy of their cuteness and left to expel a soft "D'aww" or a cry of glee before he hopped away into a nearby crevice. They are indeed the perfect criminals.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering how ferrets could possibly have impacted this great war of the land. You're not? You say you're craving doughnuts for some odd reason? Don't be absurd--of course you want to know about the ferret's involvement. As I mentioned before ferrets do love shiny objects. Now nobles, being people of royalty and arrogance, strive to be the best and own the best. This, of course, meant that the chess pieces they used to fight their wars were also of the highest quality: kings made of pure silver and gold, to represent white and black: knights with fierce, ruby eyes; queens with crowns filled with sapphires. Jewels and valuable metals aplenty were poured into these precious game pieces. The whole land was found to be rich in valuable gems and metals, until Ovarmach took over Strusell causing the mining business to plummet. With the mines not delivering shiny ores and gemstones, the amount of jewelry throughout the land instantly dropped. This upset the peasants but it hurt the ferret population even more. The tragic loss of their precious trinkets was unbearable to them. What would hey do with nothing to sparkle in their eyes? As less and less jewelry was around for stealing, the ferrets became more and more desperate. It seemed that the only shiny things left in the kingdom were the precious chess pieces. Unfortunately for the ferrets, the pieces were always held under lock and key. They would be put on display in the royal throne room as if to gloat to any visiting royalty of another nation, "Anytime you want, you're on! Bring it!" But, with Bearclaw declaring war upon Cruller, those pieces would have to be released from their safe box, and as we both know, ferrets and safe boxes are natural enemies.

The day of the chess match, the whole country of Cruller was tense. If Ovarmach took them over, who knew what would happen with their great livestock commodity? Winter was crawling closer and if the sheep's wool was not around to be made into warm clothing the whole nation could suffer, not to mention the looming threat of the destruction of the numerous steakhouses scattered about. Sadly, they would be left in the dark 'til the match was complete because Ovarmach had demanded a private match with the reigning king of Cruller, King Wandrhaus. This was a bit of an unusual request but Wandrhaus, an arrogant king, agreed.

When the day came for the match, he led Ovarmach into a large room and ordered the guards to leave them. The board had been set up by the servants ahead of time, so when Ovarmach's carriage arrived everything was ready to go. Wandrhaus gestured to an empty seat for his guest to sit while he sat down in front of the silvery, white pieces.

You see it was custom in the land that the defending country go first. It's only fair of course. Statistics have shown that white wins a small fraction more than black, so the custom was made to give the defending country just a little bit more of a chance. It's kind of like that other war game a neighbouring land used to fight wars, where they would give the defender white dice and ties would be victory to the defending nation. What was it called? It escapes me at the moment but I remember it being a very risky game. Nevertheless, Ovarmach sat across from Wandrhaus and grinned manically while motioning for the Cruller king to make his first move.

The plays came quickly, pawns advancing forward, bishops and rooks sliding across the board, knights leaping in all directions to protect their king both figuratively and literally. Exchanges were made and forces were lost. This battle may not have caused bloodshed but it took its toll on the commanding leaders just as much as a full scale war would have. While Wandrhaus sweat and shook over the impending fate of his country, what threw him off the most was Ovarmach's continual confident grin. Nothing seemed to shake Ovarmach; he continued to play his moves swiftly and strongly. The tension of the game required intense concentration of both men, leaving them distracted from the beady eyes peeking through the cracks and holes in the walls.

As the defeated forces lined up alongside the board, watching their teammates battle on, Ovarmach saw it was time to unleash his move. When Wandrhaus completed his turn, I believe it was king's rook to F3, Ovarmach reached out to grab his next playing piece. In the process though, he elbowed one of his fallen knights, which in turn, fell again, this time off the table.

As the piece clattered to the ground, Ovarmach asked Wandrhaus, "Would you mind picking that up for me?"

The Cruller king snapped out of his focused state of concentration and replied, "What? Oh yes, let me get that for you."

As the king bent down to pick up the twice-fallen knight, he was taken aback to see the piece now being fought over by two ferrets.

"My goodness!" the king exclaimed. "What is the meaning of this? Do you see this Ovarmach?" Wandrhaus turned to the ruler of Bearclaw only to get a second surprise.

Ovarmach was shifting all the playing pieces around. "Baron Ovarmach! What are you doing!?" demanded the king.

Before Ovarmach could justify his unsportsmanlike conduct, the two rulers were overtaken by a wave of ferrets. They seemed to pour out of nowhere, scampering in and swooping over the chess game, stealing all that glittered. The furry little bodies surrounded the two men, circling them and causing nothing short of utter pandemonium. A few even tried to claw the rings off of Wandrhaus' fingers before he pulled away with a jerk. The two men stood motionless and confused as everything shiny within the room was stripped and taken away.

Within minutes the rush of ferrets had come and gone, disappearing into the shadows, leaving the two men once again alone and in silence. After a few minutes of blinking and staring around, Ovarmach grunted. "Well then."

"You cheated!" blurted out Wandrhaus.

"And you've lost your chess set!" replied Ovarmach. "You'll be the mockery of the entire land. You'll be known as the king who was outsmarted by vermin and was left without an army."

The Cruller king opened his mouth but shut it back up. His opponent was correct. Despite Bearclaw's cheating ways, Wandrhauswas still without his chess set and would be considered a fool amongst his citizens and his neighbouring kingdoms. He looked at Ovarmach, who was still smug at the outcome. Wandrhaus shook his head and sighed. He was about to give up when something caught his eye. There was one last ferret crouched behind his chair, mesmerized by his shiny rings. The king waved his hand back and forth and the ferret's eyes tracked its motion, glued to the shiny jewels adorning his digits.

The Cruller king spoke up. "Ovarmach, I believe I have a proposition for you."

It was then that the leader of Cruller proposed a new game, one that would surpass the game of chess that they had been using for so long. Wandrhaus, although distraught over the situation, realized at that moment, that these ferrets were not vermin or vile. They were just another society living alongside his own. Maybe the people of this land had misinterpreted their hoarding as a downfall and looked down upon it but really they had just been mistaken altogether. Plus, they were kinda cute.

Yes, Wandrhaus was an intelligent king, who had defended his kingdom many times before but deep down he also felt this form of combat was becoming stale.

That is when he declared "Let us settle this dispute with a game of ferret chess!"

Ovarmach's face fell, confused and bewildered. Clearly, this defeated king had gone mad.

"Ferret chess?" cried the baron, "What madness is this?"

"It would be a simple game using our furry friends here. We set up a board, a large maze constructed by each kingdom, with our jewels at opposite ends. After that we let our fine ferrets loose within the game we have constructed and see which side can capture the other's jewels first." The Bearclaw ruler looked disgusted. "What rubbish! Why would I even conceive of playing such a ridiculous game with these disgusting rodents?" Ovarmach raised his boot back, ready to kick the entranced ferret still hiding behind the chair.

Wandrhaus stepped between the two. "You forget, you are in no place to challenge me either! What would the land do if they found out you've been winning your wars by cheating? You'd be torn apart in the streets!"

It was now Ovarmach's time to open his mouth only to close it right away. He growled and stomped at the ground in disgust. "Fine! Have it your way! I will talk to my engineers and together we will construct a maze to partake in your childish game. I will return to watch you fall before me! Once you are gone, I will wipe this silly game and its rotten creatures from this land!" Ovarmach grimaced at the ferret and then trudged out.

Wandrhaus turned to the ferret, still clinging to the chair leg. He slid one of his rings off his finger and held it in front of the little guy. "I may need your help friend."

Now of course certain rules had to be put in effect. The dimensions of the playing field and materials that would be allowed had to be outlined. Simple rules that one would think would be obvious such as "No Killing or Harming the Ferrets" took Baron Ovarmach a while before he agreed. Complicated ones like the "In-field Dook," "Tube Flow Conflicts," and the whole section on "War Dancing during the Zebt Round" seemed to take ages 'til a standard was agreed on. Messengers were constantly traveling back and forth between the two countries while the rulers defined and argued the rules. Occasionally the messengers would even get halfway to the other country, only to meet with another messenger coming the other way.

Together they'd find that their messages were completely contradictory of each other causing more discussion and confusion. I mean, can you believe that Ovarmach wanted to allow ferrets to still be able to play the Gnarled Tactic while the defensive team was still in over-zone waiting for the next Quant to launch? Ridiculous I know, but this was how the game's rules were first hammered out.

Inevitably, the day came where the baron of Bearclaw returned with his engineers. They brought with them maps, schematics and materials to construct their half of the playing field.

They also brought cages of captured ferrets to be used for their team. The ferrets sat on the wagons, clawing at the cages like small prisoners. The Bearclaw team was led to a large field and both teams were given a set amount of time to build their half of the board.

Ovarmach marched over to Wandrhaus and gruffly said to him, "You may think you have a chance with this silly game you've come up with, but be warned, I will crush you to dust!"

"If you are so sure you will Baron, then do you care to make a side wager?"

Ovarmach raised an eyebrow. "What kind of wager?"

"If I win, you will pull out of Strusell and El'clair and reinstate their leaders."

The Bearclaw leader tossed the idea around in his head and then grinned. "Fine, but when you lose, and you will lose, you will be tasked in removing all the ferrets from my land and groveling before me as the servant you will become." King Cruller nodded and the two men shook hands before returning back to their sides.

When the construction time was up, the ferrets were brought out and placed at opposite ends of the battleground. A horn was blown, the ferrets were let loose and the game began.

Now you see Ovarmach was trying to mask how much he was fretting about the results of this new game. He had devised strategies with his best advisers. He hand-picked the ferrets himself and put them through intense training regimes. He even tried to bribe any officials who would even look at him. His chances at winning were actually incredibly high with all the work he had put into this match. Yet he didn't know this for a fact and so he watched on, trying to keep a calm confident face while inside he trembled. As the ferrets raced through the playing field, things were looking up for him.

Still the baron had forgotten one factor: the ferrets themselves. He mistook them for mindless things with nothing more than a senseless love for jewelry. While Ovarmach strategized and trained, Wandrhaus negotiated and took a diplomatic path with the ferrets. The ferrets were much smarter than people gave them credit and King Cruller knew this. They knew that if Ovarmach won, they would be chased away from this land, that their precious shinies would never come back, and that life would ever go back to the way it was. King Cruller had made a deal with the ferrets and together they devised a plan. When things looked grim for Wandrhaus' side with Ovarmach enacting the Blarp effect and a Hoofner maneuver, the play suddenly reversed. Wandrhaus' ferrets suddenly went on the offensive while Ovarmach's defense became loose. Within three moves, the Cruller ferrets slipped through the holes that opened and grabbed the baron's treasure to win the match! Ovarmach became furious, ranting that some form of cheating had occurred or some breach of fairness. Little did he know that he had been betrayed by his own players.

You see ferrets do not have borders and differences. No, they work together as a giant network, helping their brother ferret when he is in need. When the ferrets had agreed to help out Wandrhaus, they quickly sent word of the plan throughout the ferret community. The message travelled far and wide, reaching to the northern ferrets in Bearclaw who agreed to help win this war alongside their brethren. The ferrets devised how to play out the battle and let Wandrhaus win in the end. Ovarmach was taken away by the guards before he could file any protest or call for a rematch. He stammered and flailed while they dragged him to his waiting escort. The baron was quickly sent back on a carriage to Bearclaw while Strusell and El'clair were reestablished as independent countries. Wandrhaus pushed for Strusell to reopen their mining operation and encouraged the land to restock their jewelry supplies, as was his agreement to the ferrets. The ferrets would once again be able to bask with new shinies.

Wandrhaus was celebrated as a brilliant king and because of his actions, the land prospered even more for the years to come. Yes, it was an amazing place to see. That was until the Vikings invaded and brutally murdered and killed most of the population. Although the land itself was very peaceful and had agreements not to war, it seemed invaders lacked their forms of diplomacy. I'll never get to have another El'clair pull-a-part again. Gah! Those damned Vikings! How could they have no respect for such amazing pastries?! Sorry, I'm getting carried away again. Luckily after the invading Vikings left, some neighbouring anthropologists came through and built museums and galleries to remind us of what once was.

Although the people may have been cut down, their traditions tossed away and even the original game of ferret chess is played much differently these days, one thing is still the same: the ferrets are still living happily ever after. I heard they even used all the shinies they stole to invest in a new mining corporation once Strusell was destroyed, so at least they had a happy ending. Oh look at the time! If I don't hurry up I'll miss the five o'clock train. Also, I want to have time to stop at that bakery so I best be going. Oh I do hope that wasn't your bus that just drove by; I'd hate to be responsible for keeping you late. I must be off.

Goodbye.