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Con Calore

By Al Song

A short fennec fox played his viola alongside a chubby red kangaroo and his violin. The practice room they played in contained bleak gray walls with tweed textured padding that helped isolate the music within the room itself. There was also the artificial glow of florescent lights that added to the cozy warmth of their sound.

As they drew their bows across the strings their instruments sang. The vibrato of the notes made their fingers look like small blurs. The digits of their left paws fluttered across the finger boards. They bounced their bows perfectly and evenly for each note during the quick spiccato sections. Their bowing was even, smooth and controlled during the slower parts of the song.

The fennec fox had a stern yet confident look on his face while the kangaroo's countenance showed delight and calmness as they played.

"Isn't 'Passacaglia' an amazing song?" the fennec fox asked when they finished the run through of the song. "And don't you just love Händel? He was such a baroque master. I think our rendition was perfect," said the fox with a large grin on his face.

"I know that you're just trying to be nice," said the kangaroo. "I screwed up a little in the pizzicato part and I missed a few notes during the spiccato section, but you're the one that's flawless Eli... and your ability to play is too."

"Aw, Hugh you're so corny," he replied back as he stood on the tiptoes of his red sneakers as he kissed the kangaroo on the cheek. "You're so sweet because you're corny, ha." He had a huge smirk on his muzzle when he said the pun.

"Oh, and that's not corny," Hugh replied smugly.

"I was trying to be ironic. You know like your t-shirt or that hat," the fennec fox stated as he pointed at the kangaroo with his bow as he drew an invisible circle at the shirt with it and then pointed it up to the hat. The kangaroo wore a red flannel jacket, powder blue t-shirt that said 'C'est la vie' on a gravestone and a purple trucker hat that said 'VERITAS' in bold white letters on the front.

"What about you mister 'I'm smarter than thou' with your math t-shirt and your thick black glasses?" Eli was wearing a white t-shirt that said 'Don't d/dx just ?' under his grey and white checkerboard button-up. It meant 'Don't differentiate, just integrate.' He also had on large square glasses with black, thick rims that made his head look a bit smaller than it actually was.

"First of all you know that I need these glasses since I can barely see a few inches away from my face without everything getting all blurry. Second of all I've been wearing these for most of my life. And third, you said you also took calculus in high school and passed it with an A."

"Whatever, if you don't make fun of my clothes then I won't make fun of yours," the kangaroo said with his muzzle in the air. Eli gave a playful pout at that. "You're so cute when you're frustrated." Hugh bent over and kissed the fox again. It was a bit awkward since they each had an instrument in one paw and a bow in the other and it was only face to face contact as they started to make out.

A second later there was a knock at the door and they both pulled back at the sound. Hugh placed his bow on the music stand and opened the door to see a raccoon. "Are you guys almost done yet, I reserved this practice room for six o' clock and it's a quarter past now," he said with a peeved expression.

"Oh, I guess that's you on the list," Eli said as he looked at the sign-up sheet on the door.

"Come on let's go kiss in your dorm room," Hugh giggled as he smirked at the raccoon.

"Um, sure..." Eli said embarassed.

"I could turn you two in for improper use of the practice room," the raccoon interrupted.

"Yeah, but you don't know our names," Hugh stated matter-of-factly.

"Yes I do! Both of you are in the same music history class as me!" he yelled and he seemed to be getting more and more frustrated.

"Oh right, Jake, James, George?" Hugh guessed and then he looked at the list. "Ah, Martin we're sorry and we'll get out of your fur right now."

They quickly cleaned the rosin off their instruments and packed up and left as the raccoon gave them a scornful glare. They walked down the hallways paw in paw and heard a mosaic of music from the other students playing in the practice rooms. At first it just sounded like a cacophony of noise but if one focused on one room then it would show the beauty of the song and the dedication of the musician. They happily listened to the lovely samples of songs from deep soulful rhythms of contemporary jazz composers to cheery melodies from the romantic era.

They exited the Weiss School of Music building and faced a street running along a cloudy strand of beach shaded in the gray afternoon light. The dreariness of the late march weather painted the atmosphere with dampness upon the streets and buildings without any rain or drizzle. Alki College of the Arts had five buildings spread across Alki Beach's shore for different artistic disciplines. The music building was sandwiched between a soap store and an Italian restaurant with other businesses around it instead of apartments so there wouldn't be noise complaints from quiet Seattleites.

The kangaroo and fennec fox walked a couple blocks with a lot of parked cars and an empty beach strand alongside them. The strong smell of the water flooded their noses and the gentle lapping of the water entered their ears. It was dreary but peaceful.

Soon they reached Eli's dorm building which was next to the Cooper School of Film and a couple of students were walking into it for their afternoon classes.

The two stepped into the dorm room which was decorated in creams and reds. It was furnished with a twin-bed, some shelving spaces with photos on them, a flat-screen television mounted to a wall, a loveseat, a small refrigerator, a wardrobe, and a desk with neat piles of sheet music and textbooks on it.

"Every time I walk in here you make me feel poorer than I already am," Hugh jested.

"I'm sorry," Eli said with a straight face. "But I still don't know how to respond to when you say things like that."

"I'm kidding. I just like being here because you've got more space than my cramped casket of a dorm," he said with a smile.

"Oh come on, your room's fine," the fennec fox said as he put his viola and messenger bag down next to his nightstand. He took Hugh's violin and set it next to the viola.

"It's tiny and messy. Plus you've got your own bathroom," Hugh said as he plopped down on the red loveseat and gestured to the open door next to the entrance. The scent of cherry vanilla drifted from the diffuser in the bathroom to the rest of the dorm room.

"Your room's fine and what's wrong with having a communal bathroom?"

"You've never been in a communal bathroom so all you have to do is take one step in and discover all the horrors for yourself. Another awesome thing about your room is that you don't have a creepy roommate."

"He's not that bad."

"I didn't mind him taking pictures of me at first because he's a photography major but the candid shots and "surprise" shots were definitely creepy, especially the ones of me when I was asleep."

"Okay, that is creepy," Eli replied. He went to his fridge and opened up the small freezer compartment. He opened a can of strawberry soda and poured it into two glasses. He placed a scoop of vanilla bean ice-cream into the glasses and stuck a spoon and a straw in each cup. He watched the soda bleed up to the surface of the drinks. He handed one to Hugh, who waved it away.

"No thanks," the kangaroo said with a frown.

"What?" he asked surprised. "But you love these."

"I just don't feel like one," he said as he took off his hat and placed it on the arm of the couch.

"You wanna watch some TV?" The fennec fox asked nervously as he sat on the other cushion of the loveseat.

"You know that's not why we came here," Hugh said with a leer in a lower voice.

Hugh kissed the small fennec fox deeply and moved his arm around him.

"Let's slow down first," Eli suggested and had a twinge of nervousness in his voice.

"I'm willing to play andante for some better notes," Hugh said with a smirk as he leaned into Eli's muzzle.

"And you're still being corny," Eli said with a smirk and then moved his muzzle towards the kangaroo's.

Their kisses were passionate and their lips were full of hunger and desire. They soon broke apart as they took shallow gasps of breath. As the two kissed Hugh put his hand under Eli's t-shirt. He rubbed the fennec fox's back gently and stroked the fur in circles under the shirt. He began pulling the shirt up revealing a creamy, furry belly and flank. Eli quickly pulled out of the kiss and tugged his checkered shirt over the exposed fur.

Hugh put his paws on his lap and had a look of exasperation. He sighed and looked at Eli's face, which was full of guilt and shame.

"I know that we've been tiptoeing around this," Hugh sighed and looked tiredly at Eli. "But I have to ask. Is the reason why we haven't done anything beyond kissing?"

"Um..." Eli said after a short pause.

"Is it because of my weight?"

Eli's eyes widened and his face was filled with guilt. "No, of course not," he answered sounding earnest. "You're like the hottest guy that I know."

"Yeah, we've only been dating for three months but I really do want to go beyond making out. So if it's not about my looks then why haven't we done anything yet? Is it about me? Is it my personality or is it something I did?"

"No, Hugh. I love you for you and I think you're the greatest guy in the world."

Eli put his big, long ears back and stared at the floor and sighed.

"Should I go now?" Hugh asked with some pain in voice. He turned his head towards the door and started to get up.

"No, don't leave," Eli said as he grabbed Hugh's arm.

Hugh stopped and sat back down and said, "Okay."

He brought his gaze away from his boyfriend to his left arm and said, "I don't want you to freak out when I tell you this."

"I won't judge you," Hugh said with a reassuring smile. He put a paw on the fennec fox's shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze.

Eli took off his button-up and placed it on the arm of the loveseat. He lifted the sleeve of his t-shirt up and turned it to Hugh. There was a patch of skin that contained lines of red surrounded by cream colored fur. He then said, "I used to cut myself."

Hugh's face remained calm and understanding. He softly said, "Eli."

The fox started sobbing and said, "I knew you'd think that I'm crazy."

"Hey," Hugh said calmly as he put his arms around Eli and embraced him tightly. "I don't think you're crazy." He stroked his fingers through the fur in the back of Eli's neck. He let Eli continue to cry into his chest as his t-shirt soaked up the tears. The tears ran off of the gravestone and letters into the blue fabric. Hugh then rubbed the fox's back and squeezed him even tighter.

After a few minutes Eli went quiet and his breathing slowed down. He relaxed and looked back up to the red kangaroo.

"I love you, buddy," Hugh said as he tried to wipe the wetness from the fur around the fennec fox's eyes.

"I love you too," he said and gave Hugh a warm kiss on his lips.

"You know that you can tell me anything and I won't judge you. I guess I won't judge you unless you told me that you killed someone or something like that," he said with a smile.

That got a slight chuckle out of Eli.

"I've never actually told anyone that I cut myself. I mean I don't cut myself anymore. It was a while ago when I finally stopped."

"I'm sorry," Hugh said as his eyes turned downward. "I shouldn't have pressured you like that. I wasn't trying to sound like I was going to break up with you. I guess I was just really impatient about the whole sex thing. I'm really sorry."

"I forgive you. I do want to have sex with you it's just this whole thing has been a problem. I really didn't want to take off my shirt with others around due to this. I kind of kept it from you because I thought that if I told you then you'd freak out and then you'd want to break up with me," Eli confessed and also looked downward. "I thought that you would think that I had some form of psychosis."

"Like I said, I don't think you're crazy," he said as he gave Eli another hug. "I want you to know that you can trust me and that you can tell me anything and I won't judge you. We've known each other for six months and we've dated for three of them and I know that's not really long in the big picture but you can trust me."

"Alright, thanks for being there for me."

"It's no problem. We don't have to get into all the details if you don't want to. It's been a long day."

"Well, I do kind of want to talk about it if that's alright with you. It's something that I've never really been able to get off of my chest."

"Yeah, of course I'll listen."

He took the now pinkish drink from the small coffee table in front of him and took a few sips and Hugh drank some of his own float. Eli took a deep breath and exhaled. "So, it was my junior year of high school and I thought the universe was out to get me. I was stressed out by all the AP and honors classes I was taking along with the "advanced" orchestra class. I was also the president of orchestra club, I was running for class treasurer and I did all the academic competition clubs too. Also growing up in a small town in Snow County as a gay kid didn't help either."

"So it was stress and homophobia?"

"No," he said with a sigh. "The list is longer."

"Sorry for interrupting."

"It's okay," Eli said as he gave a slight smile to reassure his boyfriend. "So, yeah. It was the same year my parents finalized the divorced. They started fighting when I was in middle school and I hated it. They would always argue at the dinner table in front of me and then we kind of stopped eating together. I kind of just taught myself to cook after that.

"Their arguments usually had to do with financial stuff. My dad made a lot more money than my mom and he blamed her for not paying for stuff and that he had to do more of the heavy lifting. Then I found out that wasn't really why my dad was angry at my mom. He suspected that my mom was having an affair and it turns out she was. My dad kept my mom on a short leash and so she said that she felt like she was being suffocated by their relationship. She would stay at her friend's house and go on vacations by herself, which she was using most of her paycheck on."

Hugh had a thoughtful look on his face. He had a paw on Eli's knee and he periodically gave it a small squeeze. "I'm sorry about all that," he said softly.

"It's okay. I'm over them splitting up. It felt like we weren't a family even before the divorce," Eli said as he put a paw on top of Hugh's.

"But it's still something terrible that happened."

"I know, it sucked but I guess it was better for them. My dad told me that he and my mom stayed together for so long because they wanted me to have both of them as I grew up. I felt guilty because it felt like I was causing them pain because they didn't get a divorce earlier. I felt like I was just a burden to them. Sometimes I thought that I wasn't someone they loved and cared about, like I was just a chore or a responsibility."

"They took care of you because they do love you. That's what parents do for their children."

"I guess so but when I came out to them in ninth grade they didn't like it. They didn't disown me but I was getting no support and I just never discussed it with them ever again. I think they don't want to believe that I'm gay," he said with pain in his voice.

"That sucks but they still love you. Maybe one day they'll get over it."

"Hopefully they will," Eli sighed as he looked up at a shelf. The photos were of Hugh, some friends from high school and some of himself. "When I was a little kid I would cry and my dad would always tell me to stop crying because I was too old to do that and boys don't do it, so I would always cry into a pillow to muffle my sobs alone in my room. I'd cry myself to sleep a lot listening to my parents fighting. Sometimes I'd play my viola to try to drown it out or I'd practice loudly. I also usually just shoved earbuds in my ears and try not to listen to them. I felt so lonely and scared during those times and music was my escape."

Hugh gave the fennec fox a tight hug and said, "Hey, I'm here for you, buddy." He then gave him another kiss.

"Thanks, Hugh," he said. "I know that you're here for me. I mean you're still listening to me talk. Whenever I went to my parents with an emotional problem they would tell me that it was my fault or that I should just take care of it myself and that they couldn't do anything about it. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about my problems since it seemed like no one could help me, so I just kept my issues locked up inside my head. I made myself believe that no one cared about my issues."

"Hey, you can always talk to me and I won't think it's you just complaining."

"Yeah, you're a great listener."

"Thanks. I'll never get mad at you for wanting to talk about things like this."

"It's too bad I kept pissing my parents off. My dad got really mad when I told him that I wanted to study music. He wanted me to be an engineer or an accountant like him."

"How did you convince him to let you come here?"

"I kind of threatened to kill myself."

"Eli..." Hugh said as he put a paw on his boyfriend's shoulder. He almost looked like he was going to cry.

"I know," he said with guilt in his voice. "It wasn't the best thing I could have said but he let me apply anyways. I mean I do feel guilty about saying that but I didn't know what came over me. My dad never hit me before but he smacked me across the face and told me never to say that again."

"So, was it your parents that made you..." he said as he looked at Eli's arm.

"Well, another part of this entire thing was my ex. It was the summer after my sophomore year and usually I spent my time at the library reading and studying. Most of the tables were taken and there was this ferret that was sitting alone and he looked the same age as me so I asked if I could sit down and study. He said it was fine and I sat across from him. I started listening to my MP3 player and so did he. He got us kicked out because someone told him to turn it down and he refused to do that. I can't believe I was kicked out due to guilt by association. I think the person working there was new since I didn't recognize them. So he apologized and asked 'Hey, you're kind of cute. Do you want to go get a coffee or something?' and I asked how he knew I that was gay. He said that I was reading a book about gay history and because it looked like a stereotypical gay guy, whatever that means. I agreed and we went to a café near the library.

"Things were great at first since we liked a lot of the same music and it was really fun talking to him. As time went on I got to see his flaws a bit more. He would embarrass me in public and make scenes and get us kicked out of other places. He made me waste a lot of time on him. He never cared about my need to practice my viola or that I needed to get homework done. He also always seemed less than impressed whenever I played for him." Eli paused for a moment and rubbed his arm again. "He'd hit me a lot too."

"What!? How could he do that?" He asked with anger in his eyes.

Eli frowned and sighed again. "I know. He was a terrible guy. Whenever I told him about my parents he didn't really care and whenever he was upset I would always listen to him and try to console him. He'd always take his anger out on me."

"I can't imagine anyone hurting you," Hugh said as he gave Eli another kiss and hugged him tightly.

"I'm just glad you're not like that."

"I would never do anything like that to anyone, especially you."

"I'm not with him anymore and that's the important part. I wish I had never met him though. It was a really terrible to be broken up with. He texted me something like 'Hey sexy, wanna meet up at Café Equinox' and then I texted a 'Sure sweetie' back to him. I got in my car and drove to his town called Homes. I got out of the car and walked into the café. I looked around the small coffee shop and saw a ferret sitting with a coyote. It was my boyfriend and some other guy. He was staring daggers at me and I think it was the angriest look I've seen from him. I walked up to them and I asked who the coyote was. He said, 'Hi, I'm Terry,' and then he asked who I was. I then said, 'I'm Eli. I'm Tom's...' then Tom, my ex said, 'Math tutor.' Then the coyote said, 'Math's kind of lame and we're on a date right now.' And then my ex said, 'Yeah, just go. You're just bothering us.' I was shocked at that moment and I wanted to cry but I was in public and I didn't want to make a scene. I quickly ran to my car and I had a few tears falling out of my eyes. I was crying the whole drive down and I almost wrecked my car. When I got home I took out my phone and saw a text message that said, 'Never mind, don't actually come here. I won't be here.'

"After this he didn't text me anymore and I didn't want to see him or talk to him ever again. It was also when I started to cut myself. I was feeling lonely and used. My parents were arguing about something stupid when I was crying in bed. At that point everything seemed hopeless and I was sad and angry. So later that night I did it."

Hugh put his paw on Eli's and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"It lasted for a few weeks and to be honest it felt good. It felt like it was something I had control over since I had no control over people but they had control over me. I was wrong about that though since I wasn't in control of myself. Two weeks in I hit a nerve while cutting and it was the most painful thing I'd ever felt. Then it hit me that cutting myself wasn't going to help with anything. I got some help from the internet and some self-help books from the library and I distracted myself from doing it anymore. I hung out with my friends more and I guess homework did help a little. I wasn't thinking about hurting myself when I did my homework even though it caused some stress. Music was the best distraction. Music helped to ease all the pain that I was in and it helped me get through this."

"I'm glad you're not cutting anymore."

"I'm glad too. I'm usually trying not to think about it because it feels like a dirty secret. Another part of me really doesn't want to remember all those terrible emotions I had."

"Are you going to do it again if you think about it too much?" Hugh asked with concern.

"I don't think I will but do you think I should get some professional help?"

"I don't want to tell you what to do since I'm not sure. Do you think you should talk to someone?"

"It's been two years but I know it might help. I'm not sure if I need it though. I'll think about it."

"Okay, as long as you're safe then I'm happy."

"I'm sorry for dumping everything on you."

"Listening is what a good friend does and what boyfriends should do."

"I love you," he said with a grin.

"I love you too buddy," Hugh said with a smile just as big.

They finished their drinks and turned on the flat screen. Eli cuddled up to Hugh and they let the sitcom playing calm their minds.

"I'm glad I have you as my boyfriend since you've made all my rainy days sunny," Eli said with a chuckle.

"You're still sweet yet cheesy."

"Asiago?"

"Colby Jack is more like it."

***

"It's cloudy and cold out. Are you going to tell me why we're coming up here now?" Eli asked as he hauled his music stand and viola to the roof of the dormitory building.

"In a sec let's get set up first," Hugh said as he appeared from the doorway.

The two set their music stands up, attached their neck rests and tuned. "Okay, so are you going to tell me what's going on now?" Eli asked.

"Well, Thursday night was... emotional," Hugh replied in a gentle voice.

"To say the least," Eli said with a loud sigh.

"Remember one of the first rules of performing that everyone is taught?"

"Have the proper attire on? Remember to tune your instrument? Don't accidentally hit the person next to you when you're playing?" he asked jokingly.

"Those are valid answers but not what I'm looking for," Hugh said trying to sound like a professor.

"So what is it?"

"Even if you make a mistake you need to keep going on," he said with enthusiasm as he got his bow and violin out.

"And?" Eli asked with a raised brow. He slightly adjusted the stand and took out his instrument.

"And so I think we need to keep moving forward in our lives even though there are mistakes and by mistakes I mean terrible events and stuff like that and we need to just move along like in music."

"What about repeats, dal segno al fines and codas?"

"Well it's still a linear progression when listened to."

"That's true, but who said time was linear?"

"Okay, we're not theoretical physicists and we get on more tangents than indefinite integrals."

"That's impossible but I love it when you make math jokes," he said as he kissed Hugh.

"But yeah we need to keep going. Andiamo avanti! En pressant! Okay I guess it doesn't have to be as forceful as 'en pressant.' Maybe poco a poco?"

"Little by little sounds like a good pace for our lives. So why are we up here?"

"We're here to play like it's a concert for Alki. Let's just run through this and if we mess up then we mess up and we don't apologize for it. This is music and music is supposed to be fun and it's supposed to make people happy," he said joyously.

"Alright," he agreed gladly.

The two played with smiles on their muzzles as the happy song drifted over the gray beach.