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Chapter seventeen: Infinite Desire. Memories sealed within a distant past.

"Kurotama." Renia spoke the name. Tasting it upon her lips. Shiro had come to her seeking answers, instead he had brought with him only more questions. "There was a man who went by that name once. But he died more than ten thousand years ago." She clasped her hands behind her back and stared out the window. She didn't want him to be able to read her thoughts from her face. "That another would take up such an accursed name. I'm sorry Shiro, I can't give you the answers you seek." The Azure Sky exists to protect Avalon and Veil. But we have done so at the price of ignoring a much larger world. Now we are facing an opponent who had spread his reach beyond the boundaries of one small island. Renia felt a fool. "Give us time. The Azure Sky has become quite adept at handling this sort of thing."

Shiro refused to stand still. "No. I won't sit back while others put themselves in danger. If its me he wants then I won't let others put themselves in harms way."

"Don't be stupid!" Said Kiara. "Acting rashly is exactly what he wants. Think about what it is you're up against before you decide to go running off a cliff. Life is nothing if unforgiving of fools."

Nelo embraced him. Blessed Nelo. Perhaps she could sway him from this reckless course of action. "Shiro."

He looked up into those golden eyes he had come to care for so much. "You too would have me run? To hide while others sacrifice themselves for me?"

She brushed aside a lock of hair. Conviction was set in every line of his face. "I would only see you safe."

"No." Shiro's tone was firm, his mind made up. "I will no longer live my life by running away. Here is an enemy whose goal is unknown, his power beyond compare. Where in the world could I possibly run?" He looked at each of them. "How far would be enough?"

Neither could answer his question.

Zeyd spoke. "It is no mere coincidence that Kurotama would seek to reveal himself to us like this. It is not fate or destiny that he wields against us. It is merely Hitsuzen; by eliminating all other possibilities he forces our hand."

"Tell me. I would seek only his motives. Is there some record, some written history. He chose to reveal himself to me through his name, there must be a connection."

"There was." Said Zeyd. "The Memenos in Votum. Supposedly it was scribed by a man who called himself the Black Soul. But it no longer exists."

Shiro was crestfallen, to be so close to an answer, only to have it snatched away.

"Maybe it does." Said Nelo. "Meme means memory, nos means endless or night, and votum means desire. Memenos in Votum. If you were to translate it literally it would be."

"The Book of Infinite Desire."

Nelo was surprised to find another who knew the ancient tongue. "Renia, you've heard of it?"

"Unfortunately yes. As well as the legend that surrounds it. The Book of Infinite Desire." She was shaking her head. "Its creator wished to record of all Arcadia's long history, but not just any record, an infallible one. One that would remain free from the influences of time and interpretation. It was the work of a lifetime, and in the end he succeeded. But he paid the ultimate price for it as well.

"Some say it was genius that drove him to create the book of desire, others madness. The day it was completed however. He left his atelier and spoke only five words. 'History, will judge me accordingly.' That man was Kurotama. He of the Black Soul. Who in exchange for truth, threw away everything it ever meant."

"But no record of history can be infallible." Said Shiro. "Impartial to even the eyes of the observer. That's a paradox. Merely the act of observation implies that we change histories inherent meaning. We can't help but interpret things that happen through the lens of our own experiences. The only way to create an infallible record would be . . . to . . . experience history for ourselves."

It was a terrifying revelation. One that tore away the soft comforts of illusion, and left only hard unfeeling reality in its wake.

Because time softens the past, wearing away the sharp pain of history. The horrors of the past can be forgotten, its secrets buried. But to drag them screaming into the light of day, to live them over and over again. As both the victor and the vanquished.[/i] Shiro trembled beneath the burden of the his own past. The inescapable feelings which drove him seemed inconsequential in comparison to histories unbroken chain. What great regrets, what terrible mistakes, the very tragedies of the past, to repeat them as if they were our own . . . it must have driven him to the edge of despair and beyond it.

Renia echoed his unspoken thoughts. "The book had the power to give rise to history, allowing its reader to live through events that have already transpired. Which is precisely why it was deemed too dangerous to exist and destroyed accordingly."

"Wait." Said Koji. "If they destroyed the thing, then how does it help us?"

"Objects of magic are not so easily gotten rid of." Said Rosalyn. "While their physical form can be destroyed. The knowledge of their creation is much more difficult to dispose of. Others could have made copies of the book."

Renia lifted a plain leather bound tome from its place on the wall. The black leather binding its surface seemed to be drinking in light, trapping it in the surface of the book and reflecting back nothing. A ghostly chill emanated from the silver script covering its surface. "I had thought this mere antiquity, a relic from bygone days. Who would have thought that we would ever need make use of it." She held it out before him. "If you are committed to this path."

"More than anything I need, no, I want to know." Shiro touched the book. And it tempted him. Alive with fell purpose it reached out with spectral hands and gripped his mind. Shiro fought with it. It offered him everything willingly, to answer any question he might ask, and in exchange, all it wanted was a place to call its own, a small window into his soul. Shiro summoned his will and broke free of the book's hold. Breathless he asked. "What the hell was that?"

"A test of sorts. The book needed to recognize you as its owner before it would surrender its secrets to you. You passed. Its your's now." Renia was touched by sorrow, some small part of her had hoped Shiro would turn back. "It will work for no one else now."

Shiro was incredulous. "You mean you've never done that?"

"I've never needed to use it. But its not uncommon for magical objects to challenge their owners. It's how they determine whether or not one is worthy to possess them."

Shiro had known such safeguards existed, but to have felt it first hand. It was more than a little disconcerting.

Renia knew she could no longer dissuade him so instead she said. "I know you are committed, so I will say this. Those who lack sufficient ability, should never hurry in their efforts to reach beyond themselves. For that is a road that leads only to destruction."

Shiro took her warning to heart. "Wherever this road may lead me. Know that I will no be traveling alone." Koji, Rosalyn and Nelo stood next to him as he opened the book.

Renia prayed that it would be enough.

The surface of the pages were covered in an inky black void. Its formless surface spilled out, and consumed them.

* * *

Nelo found herself standing in a forest that was hauntingly familiar to her. Reminiscent of faded memories long buried she felt the ghosts of the past tread through forgotten footsteps, their path achingly carved into her heart. She need only look behind her to know that time had finally run out.

A young woman with a large black cat was following in her footsteps.

* * *

Kyssandra Realo had but one desire, to fall in love. She had had lovers before, but in the end she had found them all wanting. They had either cared about her families fortune, or felt threatened by her superior ability. Magic came to her as easily as breathing, and many of the men in her life couldn't stand it when she had surpassed them.

So she had left them all behind. If they couldn't see her as an equal, how could they ever love her as one? No. She was too strong willed, too free spirited to be anyone's property. She longed to be swept of her feet. To find someone who would challenge her.

"Oh Noir, sometimes I feel like you're the only one who understands me." The forest soothed her. She often came out here when she wanted to be calm. To get away from Veil and it whispers.

Arcadia was claiming they had discovered a chaos mage. Soon they would even begin searching the halls.

"That isn't so surprising." Said Noir, making herself as comfortable as possible. "You're more like a cat than you know. Why you don't just pounce on someone already. You've more than your fair share to choose from."

Kyssandra sighed. "It isn't the same as being in love. They all want something from me. None of them want me just for me." She leaned back, and began stroking Noir affectionately. "And what about you? Sneaking off into the night. You wouldn't happen to be meeting any of the local toms, would you?"

"Certainly not. I am a creature of breeding, I would never sneak off." Noir gave a dignified huff. "I prowl."

Kyssandra smoothed her ruffled fur. "What's his name?"

"Genjimaru. He's a wanderer and a vagabond, he has blue eyes, and when he speaks." She shivered in delight. "Imagine such a voice calling your name." Noir grew distant. "We will enjoy each other for a time. Then he will become distracted and find someone else. I suppose I've become too human. Being a familiar to a mage, I cannot even find satisfaction among my own kind.

"But don't think I've regretted it for a moment. It is a life I never could have known without you. Kyssandra. Being with you has made me happy."

Kyssandra conspired with her confidant. "Noir. We're not so different are we? Both of us searching for something elusive. I want . . . I'll cast a spell. He must exist somewhere in the world. I need only find him." Kyssandra reached out with her power. Pouring into it all the feelings of her heart. She touched Veil Academy and felt a stirring, but no response. So she reached further, spreading herself across the island and to the lands beyond it.

"Kyssandra!" Shouted Noir. "Come back! You're extending yourself too far!"

But chaos is a power born of desire. And the deepest desires of ones heart serve only to intensify that chaos.

Kyssandra shuddered as the power wrapped around her. It was alive with purpose now. "The power. I can't control it!" She felt her life being consumed by the spell. For a moment she was one with everything. The magic joining her to the flow of the world. A single stream of life and consciousness that connected everything.

She fought to keep hold of herself, her individuality. Please, I don't want to die, not yet. Not yet! Kyssandra felt the bonds holding her to the world begin to slip away. Not without falling in love. Not without knowing what its like to be loved . . . She reached out with the power once more.

What she found were two hearts bound by a single desire. Joined by the feelings that not even time can erase.

She opened her eyes, and looked upon herself with new eyes. Eyes that belonged to a body that was not her own. She would survive, but at a terrible price.

"Noir. Don't leave me alone. Please. I don't want to be alone!" She couldn't even cry. She could only reach out with small black paws.

Noir was crying for her. "Kyssandra . . . I know you'll find him some day." Tears of light fell from her face. "The one who will love you no matter what. So live, live every day and when you find him . . ." Noir was fading into light. Her body slipping away as she grew insubstantial. "Be . . . happy."

There was no grave to mark her passing, no place for her to be remembered. The memory faded away, disappearing once more into the depths of the night.

"Nelo?" Shiro had been silent witness to her secret. The feelings she had long kept hidden in her heart.

"Shiro. I . . . I." I wanted to tell you so many times. But she couldn't find the strength to say the words. Even greater than the pain of the past was her fear of losing him. Losing the very thing she had sought for so long.

Shiro reached out to here. In her loneliness and sorrow he offered comfort and understanding. "You'll tell me when you're ready." He held her as she cried. "Until that day. You are still Nelo to me."

* * *

"But why can't I play with the other children?" Rosalyn could hear their voices from her room. She need only look out her window to see them playing in the streets. Enjoying each other's company, while she sat alone, trapped in a room with no exit.

Her mother closed the blinds. Sealing her once more in a realm of perpetual darkness. "They aren't pure blooded. And worse, some of them aren't even human."

Rosalyn twisted her pen. She was expected to memorize endless formula, to act like a lady, when all she wanted to do was go outside and play. Even if they aren't pure blooded, then why do they sound so happy? Her mother would never answer such a question. "Leon isn't human." Rosalyn closed her mouth. Afraid her mother would take even him away. For then she would truly be alone.

"Leon is a servant. He exists to teach you the superiority of humans. Nothing more. You must learn to act in a manner befitting a lady of your station."

She mouthed the same answer she always gave. "Yes mother."

Rosalyn stood at the mouth of a yawning void, watching as her six-year old self struggled to achieve the impossible perfection her parent's had always demanded. Nothing she ever did was good enough. Nothing she did had ever made them smile.

Someone was shaking her. "Rosalyn? Rosalyn!"

She opened her eyes. "Koji?"

"We have to get out of here. I think this place is trying to drive us insane."

She struggled to gain her bearings. She was still in her room, but it had changed. It was no longer her room of fourteen years ago. "Where's, where's Shiro and Nelo?"

"Haven't found them yet." Said Koji. "I heard you scream so I came running. But when I got here." He shrugged. "Nothing was attacking you. So what happened?"

"It was; just a nightmare." It had been so vivid, so real. Like waking from a dream, only to find you hadn't really awakened at all. "Usually Leon . . . he keeps me company. I feel safe when he's around."

"Huh. So he's more than just a poster boy for Massive Muscles Monthly."

Rosalyn blushed. "How did you?" She hit him in the shoulder. "Did you go through my room?"

Koji held up his hands to ward her off. "Hey, hey, hey. Focus please. Feel free to hit me later." He rubbed feeling back into his arm. She really knows how to throw a punch. "Preferably after we've found the others. This place is making my fur stand on end. And I just can't shake the feeling that someone's been watching us."

* * *

"There you two are." Said Rosalyn. Shiro and Nelo were standing next to a spring. "We've been looking all over for you."

"Yeah and let's just say it hasn't been pleasant." Koji looked around, wondering what the book could possibly throw at them next. "This place is like a loaded closet, skeletons jump out at you from everywhere. My parents. Why did it have to be my parents."

"What Koji means, in his own crude way, is that this place seems to bring either our best or our worst memories to life."

Shiro and Nelo looked at each other. "We noticed."

"Well, except for me." Said Shiro.

"What do you mean?" Said Rosalyn.

"Its just, I haven't seen anything even vaguely resembling my memories."

"None?"

Shiro only shook his head.

"But if that's true, then why is Shiro the only one who isn't affected by this place?" Everyone just stared at Koji. "What? I pay attention, I learn things."

Shiro shrugged. "It's probably because. I don't have any memories. I can't even remember anything from before the day my master found me." Shiro touched his forehead. He could have sworn he had felt something, but it was gone before he could name it.

"You mean you have amnesia?"

"No. Its different. My memories are there. Its just." Shiro struggled to put what he was feeling into words. "Whenever I reach for them. They disappear. Its almost as if I won't let myself remember."

"It makes sense." Said Rosalyn. "We've all been seeing the things that exist on the surface of our minds. Whatever memories we start thinking about, the book recreates them for us. It's showing us our deepest desires. Especially the ones we want to keep buried."

Koji was suspicious. "And that makes sense, how?"

"Because it requires effort to suppress negative or painful memories. Its a conscious act of will. With Shiro, it's happening unconsciously. The book doesn't see our memories as good or bad. It just . . . shows us what it shows us."

"An infallible record alright. Impartial. Hah! No wonder it drove him insane." Koji snorted in disgust. "With all the ills of the world at your fingertips, who wouldn't go a little loopy."

Rosalyn ignored Koji's outburst. "Shiro. Try to remember something, anything. That could be the key."

Nelo nodded. "It can't hurt to try."

Shiro stepped forward and addressed the book. "Show me. Show me the day. The day my master found me."

The world took shape around them. They stood in a cramped closet of a room, its sole occupant sitting behind a desk was affixing his seal to a seemingly endless pile of paper work.

Shiro's hand passed through the phantom Tetsu. "It's really him. Its my--" The door to the room burst open. A young acolyte was panting heavily.

"Master Tetsu come quickly."

"Hmmm?" Tetsu looked up from his paperwork, grateful for any interruption. Arcadia's endless policies had made running a temple a bureaucratic nightmare. There were forms to be filed, the temple coffers were being bled dry and all the while people were arguing incessantly about the trends of some empire half a world away. It made him long for the simpler days. The days when being a monk had meant something more than being a petty official. We cannot reclaim the past, no matter how hard we might try. He put his seal aside as he waited for Jovi to catch his breath. "What is it?"

"A demon! A demon has entered the village!"

"Impossible." Thank the Divine Dragon, something for me to do. I've begun to feel all but useless around here. "Has the sacred barrier fallen?"

Jovi shook his head. "We don't know."

* * *

Tetsu found the terrible demon wandering aimlessly around the outskirts of the village. A misbegotten whelp in ill fitting rags he wore more than his fair share of the road. "That's your demon?" He said to Jovi. "It's just a kid!"

"He's a bakemono! They're shapeshifters. He could be feral. Diseased. Cursed."

Tetsu snorted in disgust. "He's a cat, plain and simple. There's nothing cursed about him except a for bit of ill luck. Give him a bath and put some decent food in his belly and I'll bet he purrs even when he looks at you."

Tetsu pushed aside a tangled mess of hair. Pale blue eyes, cold and lifeless looked back at him. They were devoid of emotion. Empty, even of feeling.

Small hands reached out to him plaintively. "Fa . . . ther?"

Tetsu blinked. "Eh? No I'm not." He looked at his hand, it was covered with dried blood. Blood? And those scars. No doubt about it. He's someone's property. No . . . he was someone's property. Tetsu made his decision then and there. "White hair hmmm . . . how about I call you Shiro. It means 'white' so it fits."

"Shi-ro?" A light appeared in his pale blue eyes. "Am I . . . Shiro?"

"That's right. It's your name now. So take good care of it. It's definitely better than hey kid!"

Tetsu started to make his way back to the temple with Shiro in tow.

Jovi was clearly uncomfortable with the glares they were attracting as they walked through the village. People were muttering under their breath about bad luck and attracting curses. Ignoring them, Tetsu lifted Shiro onto his shoulders. You should breath the air of higher places.

"Master Tetsu." Said Jovi. "Are you sure about this. He is a bakemono after all."

"I'm not sure about anything. But if worse comes to worse. At least he'll keep the temple free of rats." Divine Dragon, watch over this child. For his is a soul as pure and gentle as newly fallen snow.

Years passed by in the blink of an eye as the world reshaped itself aroung them once more.

A hot spring stood surrounded by carefully cultivated bamboo. It had been divided down the middle by a large wooden fence decorated with paintings of waterfalls. The bathhouse overlooked a serene mountain vista.

"There's nothing quite like a hot spring at night." Said Tetsu. "Of course the view is pretty good too."

Shiro sat in the water, enjoying the heat. It was taking all his concentration just to ignore the sounds coming from the other side of the wall. Master is peeking into the womens bath's again. "I like being clean." He said.

Momentarily distracted Tetsu replied. "You say something Shiro?"

Not a thing. He sank into the water, feeling quite pleased with himself.

There was a woman's scream followed by. "Some pervert is spying through the wall!"

"Sorry Shiro." Tetsu took off like a shot. "Gotta run."

Shiro watched him go, too stunned to follow. "Master?"

A horde of angry women wearing nothing but towels around their waists burst out from between the bathhouse doors. "Spread out and find him. He couldn't have gotten too far."

One of them pointed at him. "Its Tetsu's brat."

Shiro was surrounded before he could even proclaim his innocence. "Where is he! Where's that pervert Tetsu hiding!"

Shiro sank into the water. He couldn't stand it when women were angry. Especially when they were angry at him. "Masterrrr!"

A familiar face came to his rescue. It was Shen Wa. "Don't threaten him. Besides. He's innocent." She leaned down to Shiro's level. "Tell me where your master went." She let her towel slip just a little. "Please?"

Unable to control himself Shiro pointed to some nearby bushes. Some of the women moved towards the bush muttering dark oaths.

With all the innocence of a child Shiro asked Shen Wa. "Master is loved by many women isn't he?" After all, why else would he call his injuries 'the scars of love'.

"Kid, your master has some crazy ideas about love. But of all the women he's known . . . let's just say you should never break a woman's heart. We're more delicate than you know."

* * *

Tetsu closed the paper door. He had asked Shen Wa to spend the night in his room. And for once it was for a wholly legitimate purpose. "You don't mind do you?"

"No." Shen Wa pulled the sleeping Shiro closer. "He's such a sweet kid."

"Yeah. But he gets these terrible nightmares." He had only glimpsed them himself, but even that had been enough. "There are things no one should ever see. The only thing that seems to keep them at bay is when he sleeps next to someone. I've lost count of the number of times he's snuck into someone else's bed. I don't even think he knows he's doing it."

Shen Wa stroked Shiro's hair as he whimpered in his sleep. "Funny, that sounds exactly like someone else I know."

"Yeah, but when I do it its cute." Tetsu readied his own bed. "Who would have ever thought a bastard like me would wind up taking care of a kid."

"Tetsu."

"Yeah?"

Shen Wa blew out the light. "You're a better father than you think you are."

The world shifted once more. This time in response to the desire hidden on the surface of Shiro's heart.

The question he had long sought an answer to played itself out before him.

"Shiro needs to understand," Said a much older Tetsu, "that there is a much larger world out there than just this place. Here he is drowning. Here he is afraid to live."

"So you've sent him to live at Veil Academy?" Shen Wa stood at his side. "He may never forgive you."

"And that is a burden I am willing to bear." Tetsu looked towards the horizon. Where even now an airship drifted through the sky. "I will wait until forever if I have to. Until the day my son returns to me. And I can say to him: Welcome home Shiro. Welcome home."

Shiro reached out to the man he had only once called father. The man who had taken in a child who was not his own, and raised him as if he was. Even if he couldn't feel him. Even if he could touch him only in memory. Still he wrapped his arms around the man who was made of nothing but light. The father who had always been at his side, without his ever knowing it. Master . . . wait for me just a little longer. There's someone important to me that I have to protect. When this is over, then I'll come home. I promise.

Shiro watched as the world of the past drifted away. The people and the things they had seen returned to the private places in their hearts.

A voice came from the ether. "To those who have gathered in this place. We the spirits sealed within the book have seen inside your hearts and judged you worthy. Ask your question and we will open the doors of memory for you."

Shiro was the first to speak. "Show us the memories of the man who calls himself Kurotama of the Black Soul."

"There have been many to bear that name throughout history." An endless spiral of people took form. "Choose."

"How do we know which one is the guy were looking for?" Said Koji.

"They are all Kurotama." Said the spirits of the book. "He has reincarnated himself many times throughout history. Each time opening the sealed door and awakening the memories of his former existence."

"How is something like that even possible?" Asked Shiro.

"We are born, we live and we die. Bound by the wheel of fate, it is an endless cycle that governs all of existence. Through each incarnation, the soul travels on its journey, growing to embrace its potential for change. But one cannot embrace a new life without first forgetting the old. At the moment of reincarnation all of ones prior existence is forgotten, sealed within the depths of the soul. Kurotama has stepped beyond the wheel. He has halted his soul's journey. And now he seeks to halt others as well."

While the spirits spoke hundreds of different faces went past. Young and old they wandered past more than a dozen lifetimes of people.

Eventually they came to the last in the line. The current incarnation of the one who called himself Kurotama. The sight that awaited them stopped them cold.

"Shiro" Said Koji. "It's you."

It was a perfect duplicate. Exacting in every detail. Only the hair was different. Where Shiro's was as white as newly fallen snow. Kurotama's was as black as pitch, and as dark as an endless night.

Shiro looked into the eyes that were so much like his own. "How?"

"The answer to that question is simple one." Said Kurotama. "Call it 'fate' dear brother."

* * *

_Existence is a perpetual cycle, a wheel composed of life, death, and rebirth, turning forever in an infinite spiral, it is ever leading back upon itself.

To be a part of the wheel is to be mortal, bound by the whims of fate. To stand at its hub is to be immortal, static and forever unchanging. To stand at its edge is to embrace death, and await ones return to the beginning of all things._

But to stand beyond it, is to exist in a place beyond life, beyond even destiny itself.

~~Excerpt, from the Memenos in Votum