Burdens - Chapter 82: Closure
#82 of Burdens
One day.
Edited for grammar.
Chapter 82: Closure
Over the weeks after that certain event the two of them had gotten closer, because now they had shared an experience that friends normally did not.
Roger had warned Hunter that what they did was meant to stay private, as others would not really appreciate or accept their actions, especially his. He still wondered if what he did was correct, since the wolf was ignorant of the situation and he felt as if he had taken advantage of him. He also felt that he had corrupted something pure, sullied what was clean.
They had a secret they shared, though all of the close contact between the two had been secret enough. It tied them together, the fox felt.
Hunter had been accepted back into the football team, and with him, the ferret. Roger attempted to join, but it was too late into the semester. He did not even get a chance to try out, and it made sense that since he had not previously been on the team he would not be able to join, he felt that part of the reason was stemmed from the coach.
It was an hour or two per school day that they no longer had together, but it was fine. He expected such a thing to occur. It gave him time to relax, after all.
He had spoken much more to his online friends in such free time. He had confided in them certain truths that he would not have told others, including the wolf, but only because some of those things were his feelings about him. It was difficult at first, but after talking about it a few times, it became easier to accept.
When they were together studying or just resting, the fox felt happy. He assumed the wolf did, as well, in due part to the wagging tail and smile. The only thing that he had noticed that had changed was Hunter seemed calmer; no longer pent up, as it were.
The memories were still fresh in his mind, and he hoped to never forget them, or if he did, it was only because he replaced them with new ones. However, such events did not occur again. He had paid what was due, and the wolf bothered him about it no longer.
Still, there was a certain warmth to his touch that the fox felt had developed after the event. It was more tender, perhaps. Was he imagining it?
While he had been happy to be a part of the wolf's life in such a way, his feelings were tearing him apart on the inside. He hid it very well, and indeed he did not really need to hide it when Hunter was around, but when he was gone he felt his heart strain. The worst contributor to his anguish, however, was that he had not yet told the wolf of how he felt.
He was his best friend, and yet he did not confide in him his most hidden secret. Why?
He knew the answer: he was afraid. He held in him the anxiety and fear that if he told the wolf, their friendship would deteriorate. It would be come awkward and they would grow apart. Worst case scenario, he would lose his best friend just because he could not keep his mouth shut.
On top of that, he still felt guilty about what had happened. If he told Hunter how he felt, that he had such a strong attraction and attachment to him, would he view the supposed instructional action the same way? It would only give it more justification to be deemed exploitation, for it was but only something that the fox desired, and he was unable deny himself the satisfaction for the betterment of his friend.
The worst pain he could feel was that he had betrayed him. His trust, his feelings, everything about him, it was as if he stabbed him in the back. He had tainted a good soul out of his desire. If only he had refused.
However, he did not know that for sure, but he felt that it was the most likely case. He continuously debated with himself whether or not he should say anything to him. Perhaps he could apologize, if the hypothetical situation rose. Perhaps he could make amends, though the damage was great and severe. It might have been too late.
In that case, he thought, it would be best if he told him. Roger felt that he embodied the poison that was slowly killing the wolf, or at least his identity. If that were truly the case, it would be best if the wolf found out, that he apologized, and if he truly was the malignant party, he could be removed.
It was best for the wolf, in that sense. Still, he wanted to make sure that was the path that needed to be taken before he started his descent.
Throughout the weeks he had noted many occasions of which the wolf would point out different females and mention them to the fox, commenting on their appearance, the way they spoke to their friends. He guessed at their interests and asked if Roger was interested in them, or if they were ideal mates, so to speak.
Roger would respond by shrugging, and it always pained him. His shrugging was both physical and mental, as he casted off the emotional detriment that came with hiding his feelings, especially in the face of the opposition. However, if that was what the wolf was interested in, then he could not deny it.
It was becoming more and more apparent, it seemed. The indicators showed that it was not the fox the wolf was interested in. He had suspected as much all along, but to confirm it hurt a lot more than he thought it would. It took a night alone for him to recover. He slept on a damp pillow and his sides hurt the next morning.
Perhaps closure was the best way to deal with it. The longer he went on deluding himself, the worse it would be for him and the wolf. He would have to tell him.
He planned it to be soon. He picked a day where they would not be interrupted, and a place that he thought they would be completely alone. That park that they visited on occasion, the wooded portion that they had enjoyed. It was quiet, secluded for the most part, and they never saw anyone else there, though the presence of others had become apparent.
It would be on a weekend, of course. Saturday - the sooner the better. Then, he figured, perhaps the coming weekend would be best. Did they have anything scheduled that would get in the way?
The wolf had a game that day. The Sunday would suffice.
The date was set, the plan was drawn. All that was left was to execute it.