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Two weeks passed by since the last time I saw Nikki as I gave her time to sort things out for herself... And while I knew I had to sort things out for myself as well, I hardly did... That kind of self-neglect caused me more harm than I ever inflicted on myself... It was slowly tearing me apart on the inside... And I just waited... Waited for a phone-call... Waited for a text-message... Hearing the right words just to make it okay... A simple sign, anything... But it never came... I distanced myself from her out of shame... For the things I did, for the things I've said... But we all make mistakes, don't we...? Sometimes, I look back on them and realize that regret is one of the most difficult things to live with... You know can't change things or undo the harm you've caused... To restore one's faith and trust in you... To make things back the way they used to be... One moment I thought everything was going to be alright and the next, I was crying in bed because I was afraid I really lost her... The fact that she didn't call me or replied to my text messages said enough... I wanted to talk to her more than anything but how was that going to make a difference...? I didn't even know what to say to her... But not saying anything wasn't gonna solve anything for me...

I knew things haven't exactly been going so great between us... And I knew the both of us were to blame for that... But how much of a difference it would make if only we could talk about it... No more secrets, no more bullshit lies and excuses... Just the truth... Because I haven't forgotten about Terry's confession even though its highly unlikely that it ever happened... But I suppose it wasn't the right time to bring that up... Getting back in contact with her was the first step... Somewhere, deep down inside, I wanted to believe that once I called her, things would get better... To tell her that I want her back and to make things work between us... I really had my hopes up...

I looked at her number in the display of my mobile phone one Friday evening and wondered if I ever had the guts to call her... For some reason, I thought that this phone-call would make all the difference there was... A nervous tingle went through my stomach... But nevertheless, after hesitating for a long time, I finally pressed the dial button... It took a while before she answered... But I was so glad to hear her voice... 'Ceylan...?' 'Hey, dushi...' 'Hi...' 'How are you feeling...?' 'Not too good...' 'Oh...' 'How about you...?' 'I'm okay...' 'Good, good...' 'So, uhm...' 'Sooo...' 'Listen, Nic... I, uhm... I've been thinking and... I don't want any of this...' 'Neither do I...' 'Can't we just talk...?' 'Heh...' 'You and me, somewhere alone...?'

It stayed silent for a while as I heard her sigh quietly on the other side... It sounded like she could break out in tears any second... A hoarse throat, quiet trembling in her voice... A quiet sniff every once in a while to suck up the tears... But then she started to talk... Very quietly... 'I don't think it would make much of a difference if we did...' 'Nikki, I-I know I fucked up, okay...? And I'm truly sorry about it...' 'It's not that, Ceylan... Really...' 'Then tell me what it is, damn it...! Why aren't you telling me anything...?!' 'Because its something you can't change, Ceylan...!' 'That's how I thought about myself once...! But I still changed...! F-For you...!' 'Heh...' 'I don't want you to give up, Nic... Not on me, not on us... But especially not giving up on yourself... You're so much better than that...' 'Giving up doesn't always mean that you're weak, Ceylan... Sometimes, it means you're strong enough to let go...' 'You made me a promise...' 'I know...' 'Nikki, no... Please...' 'Heh... I honestly believe it's best for us to return to our own lives and pick up where we left off... A-And I-I can't do that when you're around... Which is why its best we go our separate ways... And t-that its best that... That we don't see each other anymore...' 'N-No, you promised...! Dushi, please, don't do this to me...! Y-You promised...!!' 'I'm sorry... I truly am...'

That's all she had to say about it... I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say... It stayed silent for another moment until she told me once more that she was truly sorry... And with hat, the call got disconnected... Just like that, everything was over... Her words were harsh and hurt me more than anyone ever could... A promise is easily broken, like it happened many times before... But I got the message...

I couldn't sleep that night... All I did was crying while holding on to a pillow while feeling so tired of everything... Tired of constantly fucking it up with people, doing something that'll scare them away... So sick all those broken promises and shit... It made me realize that Blain was right... Maybe I really was just not cut out for this whole relationship thing... Because in the end, I felt that love was the greatest thing that could happen to you but can also bring the greatest pain... It took me back at square one... All the things I thought I found out for myself, all the things I've build up... Gone... The things I believed and what I wanted to believe... It didn't mattered anymore... I knew I had to sort things out for myself... But I never imagined that I had to start all over again... It proved to be a lot more difficult...

'Hey, Ceylan!' 'H-Hi, is, uh... Is Blain home...?' 'No, he's not. He went out with my dad to buy things for the backyard.' 'Oh... I-I see...' 'You look upset, is everything alright?' 'Y-Yeah, I'm fine... I'm okay... Heh... Do you know when Blain will be back...?' 'I honestly don't know... They've been gone for two hours now, I think they'll be back soon.' 'O-Okay, thanks...' 'You wanna come in and wait for him?' 'No, that's okay... I'll just, uhm...' 'You sure you're alright, sweetheart...?' 'Yeah, I-I'm alright... Thank you...' 'I'll tell him you stopped by then.'

I looked at Blain's sister and smiled weakly as I gave her a quick nod... She had a friendly smile on her face but then I averted my eyes and turned around to walk away... I got out of the garden and went next door, to my own house... Esmeralda closed the door but just before that, I saw her looking at me...

I was alone in the house that Saturday afternoon... Catherine was out doing groceries, Simon was at work... And all I did was just sitting there, waiting for the day to end... I tried to find some distraction by watching TV but of course, there was nothing interesting on... The same old home shopping networks, boring talk-shows and stupid soap-series... But at the same time, I wasn't in the mood to do anything... It was a beautiful afternoon and I just sat inside doing nothing... I haven't eaten all day which caused a huge headache and yet I wasn't feeling hungry... All I did was staring at the coffee-table as my mind got occupied...

I got snapped out of it the moment I heard the front door opening up... Several footsteps in the hallway and the door closed again... I saw Catherine's car parked outside and saw her stumbling inside the living-room packed with groceries... 'Hi honey, could you give me a hand?'

Without saying anything, I walked up to her and took a few bags from her. With that, we made our way to the kitchen where I placed the bags on the kitchen-table and we started to unpack... So once that was done, Catherine turned to me and smiled... 'Would you like something to eat? I'm feeling pretty hungry right now.' 'Heh...' 'Think I'll go for some scrambled eggs with bacon and toast. How does that sound?' 'No, thanks... I'm not hungry...' 'You're saying no to bacon? Wow, haha...' 'I'm just not feeling hungry, that's all...'

Catherine looked at as I stared down at the table, twiddling my fingers... She already noticed something was going on... She gently scratched my droopy ears from behind and pulled up a chair next to me, placing her hands on mine... 'Is everything alright, sweetheart...?' 'Heh...' 'It's okay, you can tell me...' 'Nikki, she, uhm... Well...' '... You mentioned that things weren't going so great lately between the two of you.' 'Yeah...' 'Is that what's on your mind...?' 'Hm-mm...' 'Perhaps you should invite her over some time, just so that we can get to meet her...' 'I don't think it would make much of a difference...' 'What makes you think that...?' 'S-She said that its best that we don't see each other anymore...' 'I'm so sorry to hear that, sweetheart...' 'Heh, well, uhm...' 'What else did she say...? Was there a reason why she said that...?' 'It wouldn't matter if she did... She's gone and that's all there is to it...'

Catherine stayed quiet for a while as I was wiping the tears out of my eyes... With all due respect but I didn't think Catherine was the right person to talk to... I know she tries hard to accept the fact that I had a lesbian relationship but still... The things that happened in the past with her was still fresh in my memory... So at that point, I got up from the kitchen table and went to my room, like I usually did whenever I felt the need to be alone... Catherine understands, I know she does... Which is why she wasn't coming in my room...

I stayed in bed for a long time, clenching on a pillow while I was wondering how it always got that far... Always fucking up, always hurting other peoples feelings... But the worst part was that I didn't even knew what I did wrong... All of them questions to which I'll probably never get an answer to... The bitter tears were going over my cheeks again, hitting the pillow... But after a while, I heard a quiet knock on my bedroom door... When it opened up, I saw that it was Blain... 'Hey, Ceylan.' 'Hi...' 'Can I come in?' 'Sure...'

Blain made his way inside and sat on the edge of my bed while he kept looking at me... I was staring outside the window in blank space... 'You know, Esmeralda told me you stopped by and that you looked pretty upset... Catherine said the same to me when she let me in sooooo... What's going on...?' 'Nikki and I broke up...' 'Oh...' 'Yeah...' 'Maybe its better that the two of you did, seeing how you were doing lately...' 'That's what she said as well... But I'd accept all of it if that gets me back to her...' 'Why...?' 'Because I still love her, no matter what happened...' 'I see...'

I got up and leaned my head on his chest as he puts an arm around my shoulder... Blain wiped a tear out of my eye and all of a sudden, I just couldn't take it anymore... I started to cry my eyes out as Blain caressed the back of my head... 'Hey, it's okay...' 'No, it's not...! I fucked up, Blain, I always do...! I'm just a big screw-up, what the hell is wrong with me...?!' 'Nooooo, you're not a screw-up...' 'Then why does this keep happening to me...?!' 'Because people see things differently than you do...' 'What do you mean...?' 'You want passion, romance and all that... Some people simply aren't ready for that or aren't looking for that at all...' 'Heh...' 'You're not someone who falls in love easily... So whenever you do, that person must be very special to you...' 'Hm-mm...' 'But how special are you for that other person?' 'They always made me felt like that...' 'Exactly... What did Nikki do to make you feel like that?' 'The way she looks and talks to me... That she'd rather cuddle than to have sex... To be admired by her for who I am, not how I look like... She didn't look at me like I was some piece of meat...' 'If she did, how come she still broke up with you?' 'Because she's ashamed of being with me...! About us...! About being together with another girl...! She never actually told me that but I just know it...' 'And you're not...?' 'No... Not anymore...' 'So how would you expect things to work if she's ashamed of her orientation?' 'Heh... She needs time, that's all...' 'Maybe, but that wouldn't help you...' 'What do you mean...?' 'What I'm trying to say is... Nikki might need time to find things out for herself but that's not helping you... Despite everything, she still broke up with you because she thinks it's best for the two of you... You know it for sure but she doesn't... What good would come out of that if you got back together with her...?' 'Not much I suppose... But not being with her isn't doing much good to me either...' 'You've thought of her feelings all along... Now it's time to be selfish and think of yourself for once...' 'Heh...' 'Lets go somewhere for a walk, get some fresh air.' 'I don't think that, uhm...' 'Come on, I'll buy you an ice-cream when we get there.'

Blain got up from the bed and reached his hand out to me... I just looked at him and smiled the moment I reached out for him... He helped me to get up and so, the two of us got out of my room and walked downstairs... Catherine was busy in the kitchen when I approached her... She turned around and looked surprised when I placed a hand on her shoulder... Catherine didn't say anything to me but smiled when she saw me... I gave her a firm hug and told her that Blain and I were going for a walk... She gave me a quiet nod as I smiled back at her... And with that, Blain and I went out...

I had no idea where we were going... We were walking and talking about random things for a while until we reached the forest... The two of us followed a dirt-path and just walked around... Blain and I knew the forest like the back of our hands... We've spend so much time here when we were little... It almost felt a little surreal while we were walking there... Rays of bright light coming from the sun was shining through the trees while you can hear so many birds sing their song... Chipmunks running up and down the trees and bunnies hopping around the grass fields... Every once in a while, we countered people who were going for a stroll as well... But other than that, it was very quiet... And at some point, Blain stopped and looked up... When I noticed he wasn't walking next to me anymore, I stopped and turned around... 'What's wrong?' 'Look...'

I got back to him and looked in the direction he was facing. And then I saw it... It was our old tree-house we build together along with Blain's dad eleven years ago... It was ravaged by time and the elements ever since but it was still standing... It made me smile when I remembered all the good times we had up there... 'I can't believe it's still there...' 'Hm... Had great times up there, didn't we?' 'Haha, yeah... I do remember it to be a lot higher though...' 'Hehehe, matter of perspective. We were way smaller back then.' 'Wanna check it out?' 'Bad idea, it looks as if it can fall apart any second. Someone must've had the same idea, judging by the hole in the floor.'

Blain came standing next to me and we both looked up to see that there was a huge hole in the floor... I smiled at Blain and took a leap at a branch, grabbing another one higher up and carefully made my way to the tree-house. Once I was underneath it, I leaped up once more, holding on to a branch as I peeked my head inside through the hole in the floor. Nothing was left except for some rubble and stuff... Seemed other kids enjoyed the tree-house too once we abandoned it... 'Oh God, this used to be so much easier for me...' 'You see anything, Ceylan?' 'Nope! Oh, wait, I think I got something here!'

There was some rubble to my left but I saw a tiny small hand sticking out underneath so I tried to reach out for it to see if there was anything. It wasn't that easy to pull off without losing my balance but I managed to clear the rubble and I saw something that used to belong to Blain a long time ago... I remember he used to carry those around all the time back when we were little... So I took it with me and carefully tried to make my way down until one of the branches snapped and I fell out of the tree... Luckily, I wasn't that high up but Blain was facing the other direction when I fell so... Hehehe... He only noticed me once he heard a loud thud and saw that I was on the ground, rubbing my head... 'Oh, shit! You okay?!' 'Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. You could've just catch me, you know.' 'You could've told me you were coming down.' 'Touché, haha...'

Blain reached out his hand to me and helped me to get up... I quickly brushed myself off and showed him what I found up there... He looked so surprised when I handed it over to him... 'Look what I've got! You're old G.I. Joe doll!' 'Holy fuck! It's Duke! Wow! I remember looking for him for ages! Thank you so much!' 'And you said it was a bad idea to go up there. But you're united at last... Awww... This should go on YouTube...' 'Oh, and... For the record, they're not "dolls", they're "action-figures"...' 'Haha! Yeah, sure!' 'You had a Barbie doll, I had G.I. Joe action-figures.' 'Correction, I had a Barbie "action figure"!' 'You can go on like this forever, don't you?' 'What's the big deal, doll or action-figure, it's all the same! After all these years, you still get so worked up over that.' 'It's not... Dolls are for girls, action figures for boys, period.' 'Says who?!' 'The law, damn it.' 'Haha, You know I'm just messing with you, right?' 'Hehehe... Wow... You know much money these dolls are worth now?' 'Haha, probably a lot, I suppose... You really wanna sell your "doll" for money instead of cherishing it?' 'I'll just keep it for another ten years...' 'Hehehe...' 'Those dolls from the early nineties are worth a fortune though...' 'Pfffff, hahaha!' 'What?' 'No, no nothing! Let's go...!'

Blain stood there a little puzzled trying to make sense out of me but I suppose he didn't realize he called his "action-figure" a doll once more... Every time I looked at him, I had to hold my laughter in because of his face, still wondering what the hell I've been smoking... He's always been a little gullible... Even after all these years, that never changed... But that's okay... I've always liked that about him...

Blain and I continued walking until we reached the lake... There was a little snack-bar with a few picnic tables close-by and as promised, Blain bought me an ice-cream... He still remembered what ice-cream I always had so he brought me a lovely Cornetto and for himself a Magnum... So we sat there at a table, enjoying our ice-cream when the topic changed about my break-up... 'So yeah, things are truly over between Nicole and me...' 'How do you feel about it?' 'I feel like shit but on the other hand, I'm also relieved that everything that had me worried about her is over.' '... Everything?' 'Well, I care for her but... She doesn't seem to care about me! I did EVERYTHING I could to help her but she just simply refused! And it's all coming down on me!' 'So you tried to help her with whatever's going on with her but she refused to accept help?' 'Refused might be a wrong choice of word, I just never got her to talk about whatever's on her mind...' 'Didn't she ever tell you that it's probably about something she didn't want you to know?' 'Every fucking time, dude! But whatever it was, it affected her and started to affect me too! That's never a good thing!' 'No, it's not...' 'Up until this day, I still don't know what's true and what's really going on. It's probably for the best that I don't otherwise I would've become mental, like she is now...' 'Hm...' 'And after everything I tried, she breaks-up with me during a phone-call... I mean, what the hell did I ever do to her to deserve that kind of treatment...? As if she trying to say like "Thank you for everything, Ceylan but fuck off now, please"...' 'Yeah... I admit, that's a real dick-move...' 'Fuck it, I'm totally done with this shit... I'm so sick of her, I'm sick of being in a relationship, I'm sick of getting hurt all the fucking time... Fuck it, just fuck it all... I'll never fall in love ever again.' 'Like me!' 'Hehehe, yeah like you...' 'Besides, more time for us to score some pussy.' 'Haha! Well, I don't, uhm... I-I don't know about that... It's, uhm...' 'Well maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but definitely within two months.' 'Hehe, well... We'll see... For now, I just wanna take things slow and have time for myself to find out what the hell I'm supposed to do now...' 'Of course... Take you're time and you'll be fine. You'll always find a way, babe. I know you do.'

I sighed quietly and took a bite from my Cornetto... Tasting the vanilla ice-cream, little chunks of chocolate and hazelnut immediately turned back a smile on my face... Remember how I've once said that ice-cream is the cure for a broken heart...? It really is... I closed my eyes for a second as I really enjoyed the taste of my ice-cream... But there was a question on my mind that I was dying to ask him... 'Blain...?' 'Yeah?' 'Do you remember when you said I wasn't the one for a relationship...?' 'Yup.' 'What made you say that...?' 'Because you want so many things from someone that its almost impossible for them to live up to. So you're expectations are higher of someone and doesn't level with what they have to offer you. It turns your desires into nightmares, so to speak.' 'What do you mean?' 'People who love you try to meet your expectations but they can't because you're so demanding and needy. And that'll lead to broken promises, a bad relationship and eventually a break-up.' 'Heh... That happened every time...' 'But that doesn't mean it's your or someone's else's fault... The two of you simply aren't "levelled" with each other.' 'Hehe, you know me a lot better than I do...' 'Just goes to show I got a lot of insight of the female mind! You'll have to, if you want to get lai- Uhm...' 'Hehehe... It's okay, I'm sure you're using your knowledge for all the wrong reasons.' 'Ooooooh, maliciously...' 'By the way, did you, uh... Did you "scored" lately...?' 'Well, there was this cute brunette raccoon I met at The Blue Torch about two weeks ago when I went out with a friend.' 'Haha, do tell...' 'She was actually the one coming on to me so I bought her a drink. We started talking and laughing and by the end of the night, we were making out with each other.' 'Then what happened?' 'I hinted for her to come home with me but she said that she couldn't go along with it...' 'Aaaaah... You have to understand that, though.' 'Of course! But she did wanted to see me again so I'll see her next Friday at the same place.' 'Hmm... Who knows...' 'Hehehe, yeah... Who knows...'

I took the last bite from my ice-cream and the bottom is always filled lots of chocolate... The flavour exploded all over my mouth and I enjoyed every little nibble of it... I looked at Blain for a moment until another question came up that had me wondering... 'By the way, how do you know all that stuff when you're not the one for a relationship...?' 'What stuff?' 'The "female insight" and all that...' '... Cosmopolitan.' 'Hahaha, you're fucking shitting me!' 'Uh, noooo... I borrow them from my sister...' 'Hahaha, oh my God! Really?!' 'Hey, it works, doesn't it?' 'Haha, can't argue with that!' 'Hehehehe... Diving into the female psyche does require a serene environment. Haha! Taking a shit never has been so much fun!' 'Pffff, hahahahaha!'

Blain did his best to set my mind on something else that day. And it really worked... Once I returned home, I felt so much better than I did earlier that day... I was smiling again, had hope to make a fresh start and to never make the same mistakes ever again. Nikki might be gone out of my life and even though it was going to be difficult to handle it, I did my best to hold my chin up high and make the best of it, like I always managed to. I did that by sticking with my life-long friend, who was always there for me for better or worse... But that talk I had with Blain changed something... I started to see things from a whole different perspective... And perhaps, maybe one day, I too would do certain things for all the wrong reasons...