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Meagan's solution to her problem didn't seem like it would solve the matter. It created a whole new problem instead... She told her story to me in all honesty and in fair trust... Meagan wasn't very keen on sharing it but she did that for a reason... A reason that reminded me that not everyone see things the way that I do... I always felt that being intimate with Nikki was meaningless and hollow but who is to blame for the way I felt but me...? I was always the one feeling the need for intimacy, as a way to express my love to those closest to me and that has never really been without consequences... It's funny how I always told myself that I would never use intimacy as a foundation for anything... But after hearing Meagan's story and sitting on the couch that night thinking things through made me realize that it's all that's ever been... After all these years of trials and errors, I finally thought what it all meant... I finally thought I had it all figured out... But it just goes to show that I didn't knew anything about myself...

Meagan told me that she can't see the difference anymore... That she can't love someone knowing what she does for a living... Intimacy has lost its meaning to her, simply because someone waves a big pile of cash in front of her and she'll spread her legs for him... She says she can't remember what it's like to look in someone's eyes and know that he loves you for who you are and not just for what your body has to offer... And it's the reason why Meagan is single all along... She knows that Nikki and I had sex regularly... But I think the reason she told me is because she saw Nikki and I were heading the same way that she went which she wanted to prevent... Every time, there was something missing... Something I thought Nikki couldn't provide me... Thinking of finding it somewhere else would grant me satisfaction and happiness... Meagan was the first to have seen it, simply because she's been there and know what it feels like... And she was right...

I stayed with Nikki that particular Sunday even though I had no idea why I was still there... Part of me wanted to run away and hide... Part of me wanted to stay with her... And another part of me wanted to tell her everything... I knew it was gonna be difficult but I never imagined that it would be one of the hardest things I've ever done... I saw it happening all over again... You know what they say... Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to fail... So there I was once more... I thought things through but no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't find the answer... Knowing what I did was killing me on the inside, for feeling so fucking guilty... What kind of a bullshit excuse did I had to tell her...? That I was confused...? That I needed time alone...? No... Truth is, there was no excuse... So perhaps I had to stop thinking of one, as if explaining to her why I did it would make any difference... It's never easy and it never will be... But she deserved to know, one way or another... I owed her that much...

'You need anything else...?' 'No, thank you...' 'You can take a bath instead if you like, I don't mind... It helps you to relax a little...' 'It's fine, I'll just have a quick shower, okay...?' 'Alright... I'll make some tea in the mean time...' 'I'd love a cup, thank you...'

Nikki smiled at me and placed a clean towel on her washing machine for me. The water was already running and hot steam was filling up the shower cabin. With that, Nikki made her way out of the bathroom and closed the door behind her... No point in locking it, why should I...? Anyway, I took my clothes off and stepped into the shower cabin. The water was a little too hot so I turned the temperature down a little. And after that, I sat down on the bottom of the shower cabin, feeling the hot water running over my back as my mind drifted off... As the days passed by, I felt the pressure of telling her growing... But even a week later, I still didn't knew how to tell her... Part of me wanted to leave and never see her again, feeling so ashamed that I ever let it get that far... I didn't know, I really didn't...

I got snapped out of it the moment I heard the shower cabin opening up slowly... And there she was, completely in the nude... Nikki seemed to be surprised to have found me sitting on the bottom of the shower cabin but nevertheless, she looked at me... Nikki stood there a little uneasy while having a shy blush on her face, as if she felt embarrassed to have shown herself like that... But she's absolutely gorgeous... If only she knew... Nikki carefully stepped inside the shower cabin while I made some room by spreading my legs, so that she could sit in between them... I placed my arms around her stomach and rested my head on her shoulders, as her hands held on to mine... It always gave me butterflies in my stomach whenever she held my hands... Not nearly as much as it used to... But it was still there nonetheless... 'You seem a little distracted lately...' 'Yeah...' 'Is everything alright, Ceylan...?' 'I'm okay...' 'Heh... I talked to Meagan the other night...' 'Y-You did...?' 'Yes...' 'What'd she tell you...?' 'Meagan said that you and her had several talks lately and that the two of you worked things out...' 'Heh...' 'I suppose that's one of the things that were on your mind, wasn't it...?' 'Yeah, it was...' 'It's good to see you and Meagan getting along well with each other now...' 'I know... It does improve the mood around the house...' 'Hehe, it sure does...' 'Meagan didn't happen to tell you what those talks were about, did she...?' 'She told me that the two of you talked about her problems... And that it really made her feel better about it...' 'Heh... I suppose everyone has problems...' 'That we do, yes.. What matters is the way you deal with them...' 'Except not everyone knows how to handle it...' 'True...'

Nikki gently started to caress the back of my hands with her thumbs while I gently kissed her neck, as if that would make everything right... It's a stupid thing to have believed that... But I honestly thought that it would... Perhaps I only wanted to confess to her to absolve myself from my well earned guilt... To go on with a clean conscious, if you will... I know the two of us did things we're not proud of, even though Nikki never brought up what she did... I already knew what happened with her... And maybe she thought the exact same thing... To absolve herself from her well earned guilt... So what's the point in confessing when that's the only reason for you...? To hurt the one you love by telling the truth, only to redeem yourself in an attempt to make you feel better...? How can you rededicate yourself to make things work when you know both of you cheated on one another...? It can't... It never will, simply because you'll never look the same through her eyes... And I couldn't go on anymore... Neither could she, despite all of her false hope... We knew it for so long and yet we never told each other what we were truly feeling... All the more reason for me to tell her what really happened... 'Dushi...' 'Yes...?' 'I have something to confess... And, uhm... It really isn't easy for me to tell you...' 'Oh...?' 'Before I do, I want you to promise me to hear me out...' 'Okay, I promise...'

I closed my eyes as I felt a chunk stuck in my throat, almost making it impossible for me to speak up... But nevertheless, I still managed to... Very quietly, I whispered to her... 'A few weeks ago, a lifelong friend of mine returned after he served active duty in Sercia for more than two years...' 'He's a soldier...?' 'Yes... It's the reason why I didn't see you for the last several weeks, seeing as I had so much to catch up with him...' 'I see... I understand that you felt the need to catch up with him after the two of you have been separated for so long... It's okay...' 'Yeah... I've known him for more than thirteen years now... He's a friend in more ways than one, almost like a little brother to me...' 'Awww...' 'Hehe... We did some crazy things when we were younger and well... That never changed so it didn't take much to pick up where we left off...' 'Heh...' 'And last Friday, he took me out to a club, where Meagan works...' 'Topanga's...?' 'Hm-mm... My friend and I had a great time together, while he flirted with the waitresses and all and uhm... It didn't really go unnoticed...' 'What happened...?' 'Two girls offered us drinks and asked if we'd like to join them... Would be the polite thing to do after they bought us some expansive drinks...' 'I suppose, yes...' 'So the two of us joined them and we bought each other drinks while having a great time together... My friend scored with one girl and well... The other was interested in me...' 'O-Oh...?' 'Yeah...' 'Was it mutual...?' '... Yes.' 'Uhm... I-I, uh...' 'Please... Hear me out...' 'I-I'm sorry, uhm... Go on...' 'The two of us were talking while my friend took the other girl to the dance-floor... It seemed innocent at first... Playful flirts with no other intentions whatsoever... And then all of a sudden, she kissed me...' 'D-Did she...?' 'Yes...' 'Uhm...' 'She wanted more than that, just like her friend wanted more with my friend... And that's when she invited us over to her house...' 'D-Did you go along with it...? I-I mean, did you really, uhm...' 'Yes...'

Nikki let go of my hands after that... The butterflies in my stomach weren't there anymore... Just feeling empty and hollow instead... Tears were already rolling down my cheek, hitting her shoulder but Nikki didn't noticed that I was crying... The water coming down the shower head covered it up... I sighed quietly and then I continued whispering, with a hoarse throat and trembling lips... 'My friend and I went home with them... But I knew all too well what was going to happen... The thing is, I let her... And there's no excuse for it...' 'D-Did you, uhm... D-Did you had sex with her...?' '... Yes... I did...' 'O-Oh, uhm... Heh... How far did you go...?' 'It doesn't matter... It still happened... But at some point, I just couldn't go through with it, to go any further, realizing how big of a mistake I've made... And that's when I stopped...' 'I-I see...' 'And uhm... I've had several drinks but... It's definitely not an excuse...'

My hands were still on her stomach and felt that she was barely breathing... It truly moved her... 'I shouldn't have doubted my feelings for you... What you really mean to me... And up to this day, I'm still asking myself why I ever let it get that far... Truth is, I don't know...' 'Is it me...?' 'No, dushi... It's not you...' 'B-B-But why, I-I mean...' 'I wish I knew... It happened and... It's all I can say about it...' 'Heh...' 'I can't tell you how sorry I am... How ashamed I feel about it... I'm so sorry, dushi... I truly am...'

Nikki didn't responded to me anymore... I held on her stomach and kept her close, resting my head on her shoulder... She didn't place her hands back on mine anymore... And we just sat there, while the only sound we heard was the water hitting the bottom of the shower-cabin, echoing against the stone tiles...

Nikki didn't tell me to pack my things and leave... But she also didn't say that I could stay... Nevertheless, I still did... I stayed with her... But what more is there to say...? What was I suppose to tell her...? What did I expect, that we could just move on like nothing ever happened...? We both tried so hard to make it work between us... But I suppose that it just wasn't meant to be... No matter what we did, no matter what we said, nothing helped... It only made us drift further apart than we already were...

I couldn't sleep that night... My back was facing Nikki as I stared at the curtains, gently waving in front of the bed-room window... At some point, I looked to my left and saw Nikki's back facing me... We stayed quiet ever since... To have seen her so lost... To have hurt her feelings so deeply... It just tore me apart... I got up and sat on the edge of her half of the bed... Placing my hand on her cheek, caressing her hair while I quietly whispered how sorry I was... It didn't seem like she heard me... Her eyes stayed shut while she was vast asleep... And after a while, I went back to my half and closed my eyes in an attempt to fall asleep... Needless to say, I couldn't... As the hours were ticking by, I could hear Nikki sigh and constantly turning over in bed... She was just so restless... At some point, she got up and sat on the edge on my half, while I pretended to be asleep... I felt how she placed her hand on my cheek and gently caressed my hair, just like I did with her... But nevertheless, I kept pretending to be asleep... Even when I felt a tear hitting my arm... After several moments, she got up and walked outside the bed-room and it stayed silent for a while... And that's when I heard her cry... Hearing her sobbing quietly with so much heart felt sorrow... It was bone chilling to hear... And there was nothing I could do to ease the pain she felt or to make it right again... It made me realize that this meant the end for us...

For a long time, I kept listening to her sobbing until it slowly faded off... I heard a door closing, several footsteps through the living-room and a loud thud from the balcony door that seemed to get stuck... A few good pulls and the door slid right open... I had to talk to her, one way or another... I just didn't know what to say... But nevertheless, I got up and dressed myself and went to the balcony, where I found her staring at the night-sky as I gently placed my hand on her shoulder... 'Hey dushi...' 'Hey...'

It stayed silent for a long time between the two of us while we were staring at the scenery... The city in the distance, the empty streets below... A cold breeze waved by that sent a chill down my spine... I looked at Nikki and wondered what was on her mind... She didn't yell at me, she wasn't angry... She didn't even blame me for the things I did... She placed her hand on mine but she didn't face me when she started to talk, very quietly... 'Ceylan...?' 'Yes...?' 'I've been thinking a lot lately...' 'About what...?' 'About you, me... About us... About everything that is happening...' 'Heh...' 'We both have things that we need to work out for our own... Things that neither of us can help each other with...' 'I know...' 'The harder we try to make it work, the more we drift apart... And perhaps its time to stop living with the idea that things will ever get better...' 'What makes you say that...?' 'What would you expect from me after what you've told me this evening...?' 'Listen, Nic... I-I know I fucked up but...' 'I don't blame you for that, Ceylan... Because I know you need so much more than I can give you... And I see what it does to you... How much it hurts you... Which is why you're better off without me...' 'No...' 'So... Maybe... Maybe it's time to let each other go... To... T-To live our own lives again...' 'Dushi...' 'I love you so much but sometimes... I-If you really love someone, you just... You just gotta let them go, you know...? To let them find a chance of happiness and to be with someone who can truly make you happy...' 'Please... I-I mean... I know I was wrong b-but... Is that what you really want...?' 'No... But it's for the best, for the both of us... To give each other time and...' '... Not seeing each other anymore...' 'Heh...' 'You never told me anything...! You never told me what's on your mind, rarely shared your feelings with me...! I mean, what would you expect from me if you never did...?! How would you expect me to know what's going on...?! Why now...?' 'I, uhm...' 'It comes from both ways, Nikki... I'm not the only one to blame...' 'I'm not blaming anything on you...' 'Well, you should...' 'What good would that do if I did...?' 'I just don't know anymore...' 'Which is why we need to separate ways... Until we both know... It takes time to find out for ourselves what we really want and what we really need...' 'Perhaps...' 'I don't want to let you go... But I feel that it's the only way for us...' 'Nikki, I-I know what I did was wrong b-but please... I-I don't want you to give up on me... I don't want to give up on each other...' 'Giving up doesn't always mean that you're weak, Ceylan... Sometimes, it means that you're strong enough to let go...' 'Heh... Maybe...' 'You and I can't go on like this anymore... We both know it... I'm sorry... I truly am...' 'Yeah... I'm sorry too...' 'This doesn't have to be the end...'

I let go of her shoulder and went back inside again... What was I supposed to do...? Pack my things and go in the middle of the night...? Things were fucked up but not as much after my confession that faithful night... Even so, Nikki didn't tell me to leave... She wasn't mad or anything... It's funny because you always see in those soap series whenever someone cheats in their relationship and get caught, there's always so much drama and everything... Nikki simply accepted it as if she already expected something like this... But nevertheless, was hurt deeply for what I did while I knew I couldn't do anything to make it better... But the blade cuts both ways... Even now, Nikki still didn't tell me what happened at Terry's place the night I broke up with him... Still didn't tell me what was going on with her, what was really on her mind... But even after she joined me in bed a while later, it still stayed silent... I figured now would be the best to tell everything but Nikki never did that night...

Nikki came to bed a while later while I pretended to be asleep and I've never felt so uncomfortable in someone else's presence before... She just simply went to bed and fell asleep as I saw the minutes ticking by on the clock... It was a long night... One of the longest I've ever had... Every once in a while, I managed to doze off several times, only to wake up and find out half an hour passed by... And whenever I woke up again, my mind was occupied with thoughts...

Eventually, I found her sitting on the edge of her bed and noticed that it was around nine o'clock... I saw her sitting with her head down, clenching on her hair... I placed my hand on her shoulder and we talked... She said she was scared, insecure and didn't know what the cause of that was... Nothing new or out of the ordinary, we talked about it but that never solved anything... When I asked her if she really meant what she said the night before, all she had to say was that it was the best for us... To find time and answers for ourselves and to set the record straight for the both of us... To find out what we need, what we want... But I didn't get the answers I wanted... Isn't that how it always goes...? To be left behind with unanswered questions and wonder how it could've been, how it should've been...? It's easily said afterwards... But I suppose it's just the way things are... Nevertheless, she still thought that it was the best for us... And that's when I knew she already gave up on me... Like Nikki said, it doesn't always mean that you're weak... Sometimes, you're strong enough to let go... But I sure wasn't because love is like a rubber band... Someone keeps pulling and pulling until someone lets go and hurt the one who kept holding on... I quietly whispered to her that it was best for me to go... All she did was giving a quiet nod... So I took my things and I looked back at her when I stood at the bed-room door... But Nikki wasn't looking back anymore... Telling her that I had to go made me feel as if I said farewell... Even when I stood outside of her apartment, I still wished she would've come after me, like she did when Terry left... So I waited for a while, in the hope she might do so... But Nikki didn't... I already felt the tears going down my cheek... And I got out of the building complex as fast as I could...

Everyone makes mistakes... That in itself isn't such a bad thing but you're supposed to learn from them... I always kept making the same mistake, expecting a different outcome each time... But the same always happened... Doing something to fuck it up and hurt the ones I love... And Nikki was right... We needed time for ourselves... And I know she said to me that it was the best for us to go our separate ways for a while... That it might've been the best for the both of us... Perhaps for her but not for me... I didn't realize what I got myself into... I didn't go outside anymore, I could hardly eat... I felt more depressed than I usually did... The days were long and lonely without her... The nights were even longer... I guess you don't realize what you're missing until it's not there anymore... I made the fatal mistake that I took it for granted that she was there for me... It's gone before you know it... It made me realize we have more in common than I ever imagined... Night after night, I sat on my couch or lied in my bed, having regrets of the things I did as I kept wondering how things turned out like this... The how, the why... Nothing would matter anymore... It's all gone... It's simply the way things are... And with that in mind, I cried myself to sleep every night, only to wake up the next morning and knowing she's not next to me while feeling an empty void no one could fill up...