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Horrified, I tried to get past the Range Rover to find what waited for me on the other side. I misjudged the gap though, and rammed my shin firmly into the tow bar of Dad's car. I now had something else to worry about, and my vision turned to stars as the pain surged through me. I fell to the ground sliding across the concrete and doubled up in a ball before letting out a delayed scream.

I was still writhing in pain trying to regain my composure when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped a mile, in spite of the physical impossibility of such a manoeuvre.

"Nate...what are you doing here? Are you ok?"

I opened my eyes and focussed enough to see a welcome sight before me, a pony muzzle twisted in concern, but the evidence of other things was there too. Red eyes, a face wet with tears.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just broke my fucking leg. Why am I here? Why the fuck are you here?"

My eyes adjusted to the dim light, and I was able to see past the pony now, my eyes widening as I took in all the details. The length of rope was there, swaying gently in the air, a crude noose fashioned at its end. It didn't look exactly like the ones in movies, but it looked functional enough.

I noticed the pony hadn't answered, and instead he was looking at me looking at the rope.

"Decided to do some late night decorating I see."

"Yeah, that's it."

"Interesting decorative motif there. Kind of ...noosey. Is this postmodern?"

"Isn't everything?"

"Yeah, must be some postmodern irony because you positively can't have been about to do what I fucking think you were about to do."

I was angry now, inexplicably, though deep inside I knew where it came from.

"What the fuck do you care Nate? The fuck? Yes I wanted to off myself, and who the fuck are you to tell me I can't?"

He was crying now, and angry himself, and I cooled off enough to remember I liked this Josh too. Angry Josh was stronger, and decisive. If I could keep him here long enough I might just get him strong enough not to do this.

"Who the fuck are you? Do you know what this would do to Mum and Dad? To the guys at school? Are you that fucking selfish?"

His roar was primal, animal, and he gripped me by the throat, trying to strangle me as I gasped for breath. I gripped his arms trying to break free, but he was too strong for me. I was in danger of passing out as I looked into those deep blue eyes, and saw my own fate written in them. I had unleashed the beast in Josh, just like when he tied me to the bed, and that beast was a survivor. A part of me was perversely proud.

Great thinking Nate. Smashing.

I saw his eyes change first, before the grip on my throat diminished. The wild stare softened, then turned to shock and horror, before the tears came a third time. He dropped me on the floor, and curled up in a ball himself, head in his hands and wept, shaking like a leaf.

Still struggling for breath, I lay panting for a moment, before sliding over to him. I put my paw around the shaking pony, and held him. In spite of everything, in spite of him trying to almost kill me, I don't think I felt better at any time in my life. Eventually he stirred.

"Sorry."

"Hey, don't mention it. I know I'm a cunt, but I do think strangling is a bit extreme. Just hoof me in the nuts next time ok?"

"Deal."

His little smile made me feel like summer had come. I rubbed the painful spots on my neck and eyed him sideways.

"So talk to me Josh."

He gave a great long sigh, one that felt like a spirit leaving his body. The shattered remains were still here with me, and he looked just wrecked now, as though he regretted not having followed through.

"I'm so tired Nate. So tired. I've been fighting every day for so long just to survive, and I can't do it any more."

"You can Josh. You have people who will look out for you."

"I don't Nate, not like you do. Go on, if I had done it tonight, what would have happened? Your parents would have been upset, mainly because they'd feel guilty, but not because they missed me. You could get back to being the lone wolf here, the guys at school would cry and have a memorial and write bad poetry and have forgotten about me in a month. I am nothing, just a throw away colt like you called me, and the person most affected would be my caseworker because she would be filling in forms for six months. As long as I waited till I was eighteen to off myself she would offer to help."

"That's fucking bullshit Josh. My parents love you more than they do me, and don't think I can't see it. The guys at school love you too, they would be devastated. And whatever you might think of me, I would never be the same again if you did it."

"Easy to say Nate."

"No, and what's more, you are even more wrong than you know. I know someone who would be heartbroken, and still loves you. I know because he told me."

I had his attention now, though I regretted it. I wasn't sure if this was good territory to be in, but it was too late now to back away.

"Who?"

"Mark. Your last foster brother...and your boyfriend I believe."

"How...how...?"

"He came to the hospital when I was there, the morning after you were attacked. And before you give me that look, he asked me not to tell you. He loves you Josh, nothing surer, I saw it in his eyes. And yes...I am jealous."

Josh just sat there for a long period of silence, but at least he wasn't crying. I took the opportunity to massage the growing lump on my shin. I was being a drama wolf calling it broken, but come to think of it, it did feel pretty bad.

"I don't know if I can trust him again Nate. I don't know if I can trust anyone. I'm permanently damaged Nate, I realised it in the car back from Bruno's. I'm not right, not whole, and I can't ignore it any longer. I know everyone can see it, and they will always send me away. I'll always be wrong Nate, and I'll never be free of it."

"I hear you at night...the dreams."

"That's part of it. Sometimes it's the first time with mum's boyfriend. It hurt so much Nate, I can't even describe it, but I can feel it like yesterday most nights. I can feel him, inside me, smell him, I can see mum just out of reach watching in a drugged up haze. And sometimes it's Reynard."

He was shaking now, and I held him tight, wrapping my arms around the pony and nuzzling his neck. To my surprise, he seemed to relax into the embrace, and he stopped shivering a moment.

"Who is Reynard?"

He suddenly turned to face me, and his face was a mask of fear.

"Don't...just forget that name Nate. Forget it. He...was the guy I ended up with next, before Bruno rescued me from him. He is not someone you want to know."

"What happened at school. That time in the locker room?"

"When the guys grabbed me like that...I kind of went back to a time with Reynard. It doesn't happen during the day often but it's bad when it does."

"You are one seriously screwed up pony Josh. What am I going to do with you?"

"Oh? And how about you Nate? I hear you too at night. Riley..."

It was my turn to shake now, and I reflexively tried to pull away but he held me now, strong pony hands on my rugby top.

"Don't..."

"Nate, it wasn't your fault."

"What the hell do you know pony?"

"Enough. Your Dad told me, we got talking when he told me tonight...when he told me I was going away. He wanted me to know why they feel so protective of you. It's not your fault Nate."

"Then why does he look at me that way? He thinks it's my fault. I think it's my fault. He wasn't strong you see, he had an accident when he was young, and his leg was bad and his head wasn't the same but he was my guy, and I was supposed to protect him. I knew he was obsessed with the ocean even though he wasn't a strong swimmer, we could never get him away from it, and when Mum and Dad left me to look after him I knew I should watch him like a hawk. There were some guys there I wanted to hang out with though, and I left him alone. I killed him Josh, my own twin."

The tears were coming in a torrent now as I relived the panic and the pain one more time. My sweet little bro, so cold when I found him. So so terribly cold. He hated the cold.

"Josh, it's not your fault. You did your best, and you almost died trying to save him. You were only twelve, you were just a kid. It's not your fault."

"Oh? How old were you when your mum sold your tailhole then?"

"Twelve, but..."

"Mother of fucking Christ. So, it's not your fault either Josh. Your Mum, everything, it's not your fault. And you aren't responsible for her choices, or for saving her."

"Why do you think..."

"Bruno. You let him fuck you partly because he gave your Mum money, didn't you."

"Partly...there were other things too."

"Well, enough. You need to learn a bit of my selfishness pony. Shit Josh, is that your response to every problem, fight it or fuck it?"

"I tend to stick with what I'm good at so yeah."

And suddenly we were laughing, in spite of everything, two lost souls holding on while the world went to hell. My leg hurt like shit, but I didn't mind. Eventually, we both calmed down and just sat next to each other staring at the shadows on the wall, a kind of easy silence of brothers.

Brothers. For the first time, it felt like it. And yet that made things so much harder.

"We make a good team Josh. Both fucked up lost souls. So, can I ask, why didn't you, you know?"

"Take a look."

I looked, the noose still swaying eerily in the half light. It looked efficient enough.

"I don't follow."

"How far off the ground is it?"

Suddenly I twigged, and had to giggle in spite of myself, but Josh just joined in with his own mad cackle.

"I went to put it on, and it came down to my chest dammit. I had made the rope too long, and I was so fucked at screwing up I just kind of sat there holding the rope and fucking crying. I can't even top myself properly it seems."

"Well if it's any consolation Josh, I'm glad you suck at suicide."

"Thanks, I guess it doesn't fit the fighting or fucking list so yeah no good me."

"I...I'm sorry. For everything. When Mum told me tonight you were being sent away, I was going to tell her everything, and stop it, but I couldn't think after the whole Bruno and Dallas show. I promise I was going to see them in the morning and confess all, I didn't know you were going to do this. I'm so sorry Josh."

"I just...I couldn't do it any more Nate. These times with families, Mark now you. It's totally surreal, you see. I know I'm a fuckup, and a waste, and suddenly I see what a normal life and a normal family with love and all that looks like. It's as if, I'm in one of those exclusive places in the city, and I've got my face pressed up against the window of a shop selling all this amazing stuff, expensive as shit. And I get to dream, like this could be mine, and maybe I'm ok."

"Then I get pulled away, because something about me is wrong, and I have to see the reality, that I'm worth nothing, that this will never be me, and I will always be an unwanted presence anywhere. It was all just a lie, just another beautiful heartbreaking lie. When your Dad told me, I wasn't even upset. I knew deep inside this wasn't me, happy and cared for with a future. I'm a piece of trash, and it was time to take out the garbage. And when he told me about Riley, well I knew he was afraid of losing you too Nate, and he loves you a lot. I couldn't hate you, and I couldn't dump on you."

"You aren't that Josh. You aren't that guy. I don't know how to make you see it, but at least there is something I can do to show you."

"What?"

"Time for me to dump on me then if you wont."

"Nate, no..."

"Shut the fuck up bro, and listen. I couldn't save Riley. I am going to save you, and do the right thing for once. Overdue but it's happening; but I need your help bro."

"Ok."

He just held me then, and I found I was crying still, tears dripping onto his mane. This would never do; I am not becoming an emo wolf.

"Besides...I need you around anyway."

"Oh?"

"Yeah...you need to carry me up the stairs. You fucking made me break my leg asshole!"

His slap to my shoulder was hard, but his smile was everything I could have wanted.

*****

It was an unholy hour for mum and dad, but I felt a kind of sick pleasure in waking them up from a blissful sleep after everything. I stood at the door to their bedroom, leaning on Josh, and knocked on the door before opening. We both walked in together, or at least Josh walked and I hopped. Between the bump on my shin and the accumulated injuries from falling off the ladder at Bruno's I was beginning to be in sore need of some weed.

Dad woke first, and I was a little shocked at how he looked. He seemed almost as haunted as Josh, and he struggled with the bedside lamp for a moment while nudging mum to get her attention. Eventually both of them were sitting up staring at this odd couple, the wolf and the pony. I probably should have brought them some coffee, but I suck at social graces. One lingering doubt remained; I had helped Josh remove the rope, and hidden the evidence of his near brush with death. I thought it was the right thing to do, God knows what would happen if Mum and Dad knew how close he came to it. I had promised not to say anything, and I would be true to my word. Warning bells were ringing though, and as I prepard to spill (mostly) all, it gnawed at me.

It was surprisingly easy to do what I had to do. I even got through the anger and disappointment in their eyes. Feeling virtuous even when telling my parents about my drug smoking and potential dealing was an odd sensation but I found I was ok with it.

Then Mum piped up.

"I wish I could say I was surprised Nathaniel, but I'm not. You always have been irresponsible, this is just a new level. "

"I know Mum, but I'm trying to do the right thing."

I could see Dad trying to hush her, but the Alpha female was in full swing, and Dad as usual had retreated into his shell.

"I don't care young wolf. You have been a disappointment for years now, and I hoped maturity would help but I see I was wrong to expect that."

"Mum, I know, but I have started to get it, honest."

"Riley was so much more than you Nathaniel."

That hurt, as it always did, and I choked a little before it came out.

"I wish I'd died too mum instead of him. Don't you get it? I wish it was me too but it's not."

"Enough!"

We all just stopped, staring at Josh. His loud screaming whinny had shaken the windows, and the loud cry of enough was so different to his normal voice, always so deferential.

"Jack, Marion, I love you both, for who you are and what you've done for me. Even if you send me away, I'll still love you. But I hate what you do to Nathan. I've watched it, and part of me liked it because of what he was doing to me, but I knew it was wrong."

"Joshua, I..."

"You have a son. He is flawed and does stupid stuff all the time, but he is your son and he is alive. And all he wants to know is that he can do good, that he is ok. And you can't even give him that."

Dad piped up finally, his eyes still watering and his voice low and filled with emotion.

"Joshua, we spoke about this and..."

"And you need to say to Nathan what you said to me. He needs to hear it. I know you feel guilty about what happened, and you are punishing Nate for it. He feels guilty too. It wont bring Riley back, but it will lose you Nate. And despite how much of a shit he is, you will regret that for the rest of your lives."

"Now I'm going to bed, you lot talk."

And with that the pony turned on his hooves and trotted out, leaving me with my gobsmacked parents.

"Err...Nathaniel...I"

"Yes Mum."

"I guess we should talk."

*****

An hour later, I finally left my parents' bedroom. I had spent the last half hour in bed with them, sandwiched between the two wolves as we all cried and hugged. Maybe I was becoming an emo wolf after all. When I finally left, it was with promises of longer talks today, and I knew I still had to face the cops. Mum was going to call the detective, and both Josh and I faced a grilling later. For now, I was tapped out, emotionally and physically. And yet I knew sleep would be no solace.

I stood outside Josh's room, arguing with myself, before gently opening the door so as not to wake him. He was awake anyway though, the light on as he read a school book.

"That stuff will give you nightmares."

"Hey. How'd it go?"

"Well, it wasn't easy, but I think we are making progress. Thank you by the way."

"Hey don't mention it. I mean really, don't mention it. When I think of sticking up for you like that, I want to top myself again for being that stupid."

"Gee thanks pony."

The smiles were genuine though, and the idea I had been toying with finally came out into the open.

"Ahh pony. I don't know about you, but sometimes, well I don't get the dreams if there is someone in bed with me."

"Yeah, me too. Don't know why, something about another body there, another guy close kind of works. A few of us used to do it for each other in the group home, kind of look out for each other."

"So...my bed is kind of larger than yours..."

I could see his ears flicking, indecision marring his muzzle for a moment, before he pulled the covers off, the beautiful hot stud of memory before me in just his boxers. Shit this could be a bad idea.

"After you wolf lord." His smile was half mocking, but mostly kind.

I got into bed first, and Josh climbed in behind, his body closing in on mine as he suddenly wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him. I was surrounded by pony, his body, his scent. I could feel the electric sensation of his fur on mine, the weighty mound of his sheath wedged against my butt, and then his head resting on top of mine. It felt home.

"Don't, you know, mistake this for me actually liking you or anything."

I had to smile then, as he returned my own line with interest.

"Oohhh burn. Don't worry, I know this is strictly bro time. You feel good though."

"You too, but who is this? We seem to have a third in the bed."

I realised Hoofie was still there, and I found myself sandwiched between two ponies, the broken colt and the worn toy.

"Let me introduce you to another Pony. Josh, meet Hoofie. Hoofie, meet Josh. He was Riley's best friend, and I look after him now for Riley."

Josh stared at the toy for a long moment, his hands slowly stroking my shoulders.

"I'm sorry. No wonder you hated the sight of me."

"What do you mean?"

"Look at him, then at me."

Puzzled, I did as he asked, a pony to pony comparison. Then it hit me. Brown fur, black mane and tail, both a bit careworn, and in Hoofie's case only one deep blue eye remained. Otherwise they were a match, like Josh was Hoofie brought to life.

"I never realised. I don't know why. I have had Hoofie out for a few days; I talk to him when I need to feel close to Riley, sort of tell him things through Hoofie. Stupid I know."

"I don't think it's stupid. Well, if you would like, you have two ponies now to talk to. Why don't you tell me about Riley. Maybe it would help. I doubt either of us is going to sleep."

Then I felt his warm breath on my ears, a delightful tingle that made me feel all warm, and a single kiss, right on the top of my head. I felt myself melt then, squirming into his embrace, my ears flat in contentment as I cuddled Hoofie and was cuddled in turn.

I am turning into one of those squishy lovey-dovey types I always detested. Oh well, maybe this can be good too. I hate to think what Bevan will say though.

As I lay there, warm and protected, I talked about my twin, recalling every funny story and stupid thing he used to do. Josh just held me, and rubbed my ears, but it was the best thing in the world.

*****

"This is fucking insane."

"Josh, we discussed this. Listen to your wolf bro. All will be well Kemosabe. The Earth is slow but the Ox is patient."

"Are you high?"

"No, but dead set, I fucking wish I was. I so miss my weed, but now Mum and Dad are insisting on urine tests, I'm stuck going straight. Well, as straight as a gay wolf can."

"You couldn't do straight if your life depended on it."

"Well, guess I'm fucked then. Let's kiss."

And without warning, I took the pony in my arms and snogged him a good one, lips smacking and tongue and all as he gave a kind of cartoonish double take and his eyes widened like saucers. It tasted good. It felt good. Dammit, it was good. I let him go, reluctantly, and gave him a full on wolfish grin, to hide the pain and regret that otherwise would have given the game away.

This was the right thing to do. I knew it was the right thing to do. So why did I feel so shit?

"Yep. Arousal...check. Cock....hmmm partly unsheathed...check. Balls...kind of tingly...check. 100 percent gay I'm afraid. Cuff me and read me my rights."

"You are flaky."

"No, seriously, cuff me. You do it kind of well, if I remember."

"I'm really sorry about that I shouldn't..."

"Yes you should. I was an ass. You should have done worse; besides, I may be a top, but that tailhole action seriously got me going, any time you want to finish the job I'm your wolf, bro or no bro. And anyway, didn't ole Bruno tan your hide at your request to atone for what you did to me?"

"Er yes but..."

"Well then I think we should call it even. Though after this, I think you will be in my debt. Seriously, I think you will owe me like a paw massage every day, and a run for coffee every morning to the café, and..."

"Don't push it sport or I will get the cuffs out but you won't enjoy it. Now, if were doing this, let's do it."

"Ok Mr touchy. Gee, some ponies. Now, where was I. Ahh...right."

As Josh stood looking forlorn, I dialled the number I had been given by him. The number for the colt in the house just across from us.

"Hello? Is that Mark Hammond? Hi it's Nathan. Nathan...the wolf you met in hospital, Josh's new step brother. That's right, that Nathan. Why am I calling you? Well, I have someone here who wants to see you, if you want to see him. Yes. Across from your house, at the café on the corner. Right."

I shut off the phone, turning to grin my most beatific grin at the pony.

"Your booty call is coming."

"You are such a shit Nathan."

"Why are you being so rude to your matchmaker? I'm just a poor humble wolf trying to get by."

"No, really, why are you so hyped up Nate? What's with the exaggerated humour?"

He had me, almost, and I was thankful when I saw the approach of another colt from across the way. I recognised him, and I couldn't help but let my ears droop as I saw him. I had wanted him to refuse, to keep the door closed and end that chapter. My good deed was set to come off instead; and it felt...

It felt like barbed wire being dragged through my guts.

I nodded to Mark, and stood, letting the two colts sit at the table while I headed to the door, keeping a lookout to make sure no one came from the house to check on Mark. Every now and then I would steal a glimpse, seeing them progress from looking at each other across the table, to holding hands, to crying, and then the final horror, a kiss. And I slowly ate my heart out.

"I'm hyped up pony, because I don't want you to see how much this hurts, how much I wish you felt about me the way you feel about Mark. Don't you see?"

The two colts were in their own world, and my whisper was heard only by me.

A new song came over the speakers in the café, and I had to laugh at the irony. I was hearing it again, and again it spoke all too loudly.

A world filled with love is a wonderful sight.

_ Being in love is one's heart's delight._

_ But that look of love isn't on my face._

_ That enchanted feeling has been replaced._

So what would become of the broken hearted? Looking at Josh and Mark, it looked like there was hope for them at least. Now I just had to do something about me. For the moment, I closed my eyes and remembered the feeling of Josh holding me, that feeling of complete safety, of being home, and wondered if there was someone else out there that could make me feel like that again.

=====================================

This chapter is dedicated to my friend Jared. My protector and guide when I first ended up in foster care, I owe you so much. I am sorry I wasn't there for you mate, and I wish you could have talked to me before you did what you did. Please forgive me. Farewell bro, and we will meet on the other side I promise.