FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I never felt so horrible as I did that particular night... While I was in bed, I kept staring at the ceiling while feeling so miserable... Not only because I had too much to drink but also because of the things I did... And while I was in bed, my mind was spinning... How could I ever let it come that far...? I mean, there were two lovely girls out there, waiting to get a piece of me but... I didn't really know what happened... I might've gone through with it if I was single but... Truth was, I still had a girlfriend waiting for me... A girlfriend who loves me from the bottom of her heart... A girl who loves me for who I am and accepts all of my flaws... Nikki's one of the few people who does... And I thought a one-night stand could compensate for all of her flaws... To find it somewhere else, so to speak... I've blown it that night and somewhere deep down inside, I truly regret for leaving but on the other hand, it made me think about everything... It made me think that Nikki might need something else instead... Perhaps she needed the things she always gave me... She prefers cuddles over sex... And maybe I just wasn't giving her enough... Maybe I did too little to show how much I love her and appreciate her... After all, how was she able to fulfil my complex desires when I wasn't even able to satisfy the simplest of her needs...? It's an endless circle that just keeps going around until it gets broken... And I thought that a one-night stand would be something I needed but truth is... I did my best to forget about Nikki that night but the harder I tried to, the more I thought about her... More importantly, I thought about the things I did... And how wrong it was towards her... But nevertheless, I wasn't able to deny that it ever happened... Nikki didn't know what happened but I still did, which was enough for me to break down...

The next day, I went to see Nikki... I did miss her and yet I had the feeling I wasn't suppose to see her... Part of me felt guilty and didn't want to be with her, afraid to confront her with the things I did... Nevertheless, I called her up... We talked for a bit and I told her that I had to see her... She sounded so surprised yet very happy when I told her that I had to see her... We talked for a bit on the phone until I packed some things with me and drove off to her place... The moment she opened the door and saw me, she flew her arms around me and held me tight... I caressed her hair and gave her a kiss on her forehead as we stood there for a moment... 'Hey Nic...' 'Hi sweetheart...' 'How you doing...? Everything alright...?' 'Yeah... I'm fine now...' 'Heh...' 'How about you...?' 'I'm okay, dushi...' 'I think I'll have a cup of tea in the living-room. Would you like some...?' 'I'd love a cup, thanks...'

She had a weak smile on her face and then she walked out of the hallway to make some tea in the kitchen. I followed her and sat down on the couch while she waited for the water to boil... Several moments later, she came back with two cups of tea and placed them on the coffee table in front of me... Nikki sat down and curled herself up on the couch while staring at the TV... It stayed quiet for a while until I noticed her hand was reaching out for mine... The moment I faced her, she took my hand and leaned over to me... 'I can't tell you how much I've missed you... I'm so glad you're here now...' 'Heh... I've missed you too...' 'And maybe... Maybe it was good for us, you know...? Not to have seen each other for a few weeks...' 'What do you mean?' 'It gave me a lot of time to think and... It made me realize what I've been missing in all those weeks...' 'I see...' 'A-And I know that... That you and I are going through a rough patch lately but I... I-I really want things to work out between us...' 'Me too...' 'I mean... You always gave me time to sort things out for myself and... I-I know I'm not the perfect girlfriend and yet you stayed with me... It made me realize that it tells a lot about you... It lets me know that after everything that happened, you still love me and that you didn't gave up on me...' 'Heh...' 'It might not seem like that but our talks really help me... A-And... Slowly but steady, I'm getting there, you know... To be the girlfriend you deserve...' 'Please don't...' 'What do you mean...?' 'Please don't make it sound like that...' 'W-What do you mean...?' 'Why are you saying this...?' 'Because you've always been patient with me and... Pointed things out and helped me to get through...'

"Is there any way to make things less difficult...?" I hated it whenever she did this... To think that I'm without flaws... To make it sound like I'm a saint... Nothing could've been farther from the truth... Because I knew what I did... It always made me feel worse than I already felt... So that evening was no exception... 'Dushi...?' 'Yes, sweetheart...?' 'Do I really give you everything you need...? Do I make you happy...? CAN I make you happy...?' 'I know you can...' 'Heh... Have you ever thought about, uhm...' 'Hm...?' 'Have you ever thought about finding the things I didn't give you somewhere else...?' 'What do you mean...?' 'Something I'm not able to give you and that you look for it somewhere else...?' 'No...' 'No...?' 'No, sweetheart... I wouldn't have a reason to do so... You're the only one who ever took me for who I am... So there's no need to look for it somewhere else... Because I know no one ever would once they truly get to know me...' 'Heh...' 'And you always did...' 'Hm...' 'The thing is... I-It's difficult for me, you know...? To deal with everything that happened and what is happening right now... I tend to clench on the past that is long gone instead of looking ahead... And it takes time...' 'Yeah... I know...' 'You've always been there to support me... Guided me through when I needed it the most...' 'I see...' 'And it made me question what it means and what it takes to be in a relationship... To bring sacrifices in order to make things work and stay with the one you love the most...' 'I suppose... But... Some sacrifices aren't worth making...'

It stayed quiet for a while as Nikki took a sip from her cup of tea. She carefully placed it back on the table and curled herself up on the couch again... 'You know, Ceylan...' 'Hm...?' 'My grandfather always told me that some day, someone would come in your life to make a difference... All these years I've been struggling with my life... To find a place where I would fit in and to be content... And just when I was about to give up hope, you came along and made all the difference there is...' 'Heh...' 'Somewhere, deep down inside, I've always hoped that I could be the one making a difference in your life... I just don't know how... And I don't know how to give back the things you've always given me...' 'I see...' 'I know it's difficult for you and me and that I ask a lot from you... I just don't want you to give up on me... Simply because I wouldn't have much of a reason to go on if you did...' 'Hm...' 'And I just want you to know that I truly love you for who you are... For being so caring and so compassionate... Things will get better for us, Ceylan, I know it will... I promise...'

What was I supposed to tell her...? I looked at her and saw her red soggy eyes while having a weak smile on her face... She squeezed my hand as a reassuring gesture and leaned over to place her head on my shoulder... She's a wonderful girl, who's way too good for me... With all the lies I've told her and the arguments I've had with her made me realize that she deserves someone better... I couldn't tell her what truly happened... Not that night, when she had so much hope for the first time in our relationship... Yet the cruellest lies are often told in silence... But nevertheless, I didn't tell her... I just couldn't... It would break her heart... She placed her arm around my shoulder and held me close... And it's strange to realize how much I've hesitated to do the same... There used to be a time where the butterflies were going through my stomach whenever she held me... But now, there was nothing but an empty void...

I showed my love for her that night the only way I ever knew... Nikki didn't seem reluctant but I suppose it wasn't exactly what she wanted... Perhaps it was best not to have slept with her that night... Perhaps it was best to talk instead while we were in bed... I just didn't know what the hell was going on anymore... At times, Nikki can be very distant and the next, she clenches on me... I didn't know what to expect from her anymore... It made me think that all of it was a façade to keep up appearances yet we both knew deep down inside that the two of us were going nowhere... Maybe we both had false hope... And yet we weren't able to let go of each other... Nikki and I both had things we had to sort out for ourselves... Me, feeling depressed and all the nightmares I had was taking its toll on me... My own problems strained our relationship more than it already was... Every night I was thinking about it... Where it was gonna take us and if we really can be happy together... Made me question if I could make her happy... Or if she could make me happy, for all its worth... So that night was no exception when I stared at the ceiling in an attempt to fall asleep, while the hours were slowly ticking by... I saw it was half passed four in the morning and I felt so tired... It made me wonder what caused Nikki to fall asleep like that, as if all of her worries vanished into thin air...

All of a sudden, I heard that a key was inserted and the door was unlocked... Heard several footsteps and the door closed quietly... It got locked again and I heard the ticking of high heels on the wooden floor until it stopped for a while... "That must be Meagan..." As always, I figured I could use a distraction so I got out of bed and got dressed in my underwear and made my way to the living-room... I saw Meagan standing at the kitchen counter with her back facing me, dressed how she normally was whenever she came home late... A short miniskirt, a thin spaghetti top and open high heels... I saw her pouring herself a drink while I was looking at her back... The way she dressed herself was so skimpy but incredibly sexy... It really made her ass and legs stand out... Meagan is just so awfully hot... A perfect round ass no one would ever deny once its offered by her... Slim thighs and muscular calves... The way she dresses made me think that she can be rather promiscuous... Having loose sexual morals... I can easily imagine her getting involved in a gangbang or something... Someone as easy like her wouldn't be too picky on her sexual partners, right...? I bet she had sex with girls as well, exploring her adventurous side... And if she did, Meagan surely wouldn't deny me, would she...? I bet all it takes is to just ask nicely... "God, what am I thinking...??"

The moment she turned around, I got so startled, as if she could read my mind or something... What got me was that she even gave me a little smile, all the more reason for me to believe that she was actually thinking the same thing... I really need to lay off the cannabis... 'You always make a habit of sneaking up on people, Ceylan?' 'I do try to stalk people undetected.' 'Hehehe...' 'How was work?' 'You know, same old... Making drinks and bring it to people...' 'Heh...' 'You want a drink?' 'No, thanks, I still got a hang over from last night...' 'Haha, rough night, huh?' 'Yeah, pretty much...' 'You don't seem like a party girl.' 'A friend of mine convinced me to come along for a drink. I told myself just to take one but...' 'Yeah, I hear ya, haha... Never goes as planned, does it?' 'You can say that again...' 'Trouble falling asleep...?' 'Yeah, amongst other things...'

Meagan took her drink and sat down on the couch while I sat next to her. I looked down and peeked from the corners of my eyes at her incredible legs... I had to look away several times but I think she already knew I was checking her out... 'So, what happened? Had a good time last night?' 'Yes and no...' 'Oh?' 'Uhm... Heh...' 'What's the matter...?' 'Hey uhm... can I ask you something...?' 'Sure, what's up?' 'Did you ever wanted something so bad that you would do anything to get it...?' 'Hm...' 'And uh... When you do finally get it and it feels right to do yet deep down inside, you know its very wrong...?' 'Uh... What's it about?' 'I fucked up pretty bad this time, Meg...' 'What happened...?' 'A friend and I went out last night and... Had a really good time together and I got a little carried away with the drinks...' '... Go on.' 'See, we met these two girls... Absolutely gorgeous... We had a really good time with them and... My friend, he was flirting with her and well, scored big time with this girl...' 'Okay...' 'Eventually, it turned out that they overheard my conversation with my friend and well... They both were "interested" in us...' 'Ah... So what was that conversation about, if you don't mind me asking...?' 'Sex...' 'Ooooooh...' 'Soooo... They invited us over at their place...' 'What'd you do?' 'We both went home with these girls...' 'Uhm... Okay, so... How far did you go with her...?' 'Not all the way but... It came pretty damn close to it and well... See, the thing is... Uhm... The other girl was, uh... Paying attention to me as well... ' '... You've had a threesome??' 'Uhm... Pretty much, yeah...' 'Oh, wow... Does Nikki know? I mean...' 'No, she doesn't know... I need to tell her but... How the hell am I gonna set this right...?' 'How exactly did it happen...?' 'I don't know...! She kept giving me compliments and putting me in the spotlight and it made me feel so special... All the attention I received from and...' 'Things that Nikki didn't gave you...?' 'Exactly...' 'Hm...' 'Sure, I was drunk but... It was no excuse to ever let it get that far...' 'Heh...' 'I could've had the night of my life and I knew I would regret it one way or the other... So...' 'Are you gonna tell her...?' 'I don't know... But... I get the feeling that it'll change everything... You know how Nikki is...' 'Yeah...' 'I just don't know how to tell her... And I feel so miserable to betray her trust in such a low way... I don't have an excuse for it... All I can say is that it just happened... That's all there is to it...' 'I see...'

It stayed quiet after that... Meagan took a sip from her drink and placed her glass back on the table... Meagan curled herself up on the couch like Nikki always does but unlike her, she didn't lean over to cuddle... I could see that it made her think... Perhaps she went through similar things herself... Nevertheless, she didn't share her piece of mind... All she did was staring right in front of her... She just seemed so lost... 'Is everything alright, Meagan...?' 'Yeah, I'm fine... It's been a long night and I'm just really tired...' 'I understand... Maybe you should catch some sleep then...' 'Heh... I will, eventually...' 'Did you had to work last night as well...?' '... Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah... Working six nights a week, so...' 'You know... I was there last night... At Topanga's...' 'You were...?' 'Yes... And I thought you were there...' 'I didn't see you...' 'Neither have I seen you around...' 'Uhm... Maybe I was busy downstairs and well...' 'One of the waitresses said you quit the job three years ago...' '... I thought you said nightclubs weren't your kind of thing...' 'Normally, it's not...' 'Heh...'

She looked a little embarrassed the moment I told her that... Meagan sighed quietly and closed her eyes for a moment... 'Soooo... Why'd you quit the job if you need money so bad...?' 'Being a waitress didn't nearly cover all of my monthly expenses... So I found something that paid a whole lot more instead...' 'Oh...?' 'Let me ask you something, Ceylan... What would you do if you had a thirty thousand dinar debt...? How far would you go just to scrape enough money together and still barely make a living...?' 'I honestly don't know...' 'Neither did I... All I knew was that I had to get more money... And fast...' 'Hm...' 'Someone I knew from Topanga's knew that I needed more money and introduced me to a club owner... Except it wasn't an ordinary club...' 'What kind of club...?' 'A strip-club...' 'Oh...?' 'Yeah...' 'Wow... Weren't you nervous...?' 'I was when I had to do an audition... But nevertheless, I got the job...' 'What did you had to do...?' 'Taking clothes off and dance to show 'em what you've got, really... But I also did private lap-dances...' 'Didn't males ever get, you know...' 'Some tried to but... There are strict rules about that so I didn't allowed them grope at first... But then I discovered that the tips got bigger once I let them... Nevertheless, the girls had the final word on that so no meant no...' 'Wow...' 'Hm-mm... And then things changed one night...' 'What do you mean, changed...?' 'There was this guy, probably in his mid forties or something, who seemed to be a big spender and asked me if I could give him a lap-dance... So I took him to the back and I did my thing...' 'Then what happened...?' 'By the end of it, he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him and told me he would pay three hundred dinar for it...' '... Did you...?' 'I didn't think I was going to... Until he actually showed me the three hundred dinar...' 'Uhm...' 'He waited until my shift ended and we both went to his car... Drove off to a remote parking lot and well...' 'You went through with it...' 'Yes... Yes, I did...' 'You sure there wasn't another way...?'

"Wow..." I looked at Meagan and I was so surprised when she told me that... I mean... Isn't that degrading, selling yourself like that for money...? Even if you do have problems making ends meet, surely there must be other ways to get by...? Meagan looked so embarrassed the moment she told me... And she started to talk, very quietly... 'For a college dropout like me, Ceylan...? Yeah, right...' 'Heh...' 'You know... I've spend half an hour on the backseat of his car with him... And when it was finally done, he drove me back here...' 'I see...' 'I took a shower once I got home... But no matter how many times I washed myself, I didn't felt clean... I cried and cried that I ever let it get that far... To sell myself for sex... But then I looked at the three-hundred dinar I made within half an hour, what usually takes about two days to earn...' 'Wasn't that dangerous...? I mean, anything could've happened while you were alone with him...' 'Yes, it was... I knew I had to find a way to guarantee my safety if I was gonna go through with it... And that's when I did my research and came across a place where they were hiring girls... And I stayed there ever since...' '... You're a prostitute??'

She didn't answered that... All she did was looking down at the coffee table and got hold of her drink... In just one go, she drank her Jack Daniels and slowly swirled her glass that made the ice-cubes tick against the edges... After it stayed silent for a moment, she looked at me with penetrating eyes... 'Don't look at me like that, Ceylan...' 'N-No, I'm not, it's just... I-I never imagined you'd... uhm...' 'Neither did I...'

It stayed quiet for a moment again when Meagan just kept staring down and gently swirled her glass again... I looked at her and Meagan seemed so lost and so desperate... Nevertheless, she shared her story for a reason... Because no one would ever tell something like that when there's no story behind it... 'Meagan...?' 'Hm...?' 'Can I ask you something...?' 'Sure...' 'Why'd you tell me all this...? I mean, I can imagine that its not something you want everyone to know...' 'In all honesty, Ceylan...?' 'Yes...?' 'I look at you and Nikki and see what the two of you have with each other... Everyone can see that it's special, even though you might think its not anymore...' 'Hm...' 'With the things I do, your perception of love changes... You don't have sex anymore because you love someone dearly... You have sex with someone because they're waving a big pile of cash in your face... You don't get to cuddle afterwards... You don't get to share your hopes and dreams simply because they don't give a damn... They look at what your body has to offer, not what you have to offer as a person...' 'Heh...' 'Ever since I started doing this, it all changed for me... I can't fall in love with someone simply because love lost its meaning to me... But I see that it's still there with you and Nikki... And your throwing that away just because "it happened"... I would do anything to have the same things that you and Nikki share... But it's too late for me simply because I'll never look at it the same way I used to...' 'It might come back one day... When you meet someone who can make all the difference there is for you...' 'Perhaps... But I can't make a difference to his life, knowing what I do for a living...' 'Heh...' 'I'm not trying to give you a lecture, Ceylan, nor will I tell you what's right or wrong... But I can't remember what its like to look in someone's eyes and to know they love you deeply... I know Nikki has her flaws... But so do you... No one is perfect... You need to realize that what you have with her is special, in more ways than one... And you shouldn't take that for granted...' 'I know...' 'You said you tried to find the things that Nikki didn't give you somewhere else instead... But who could give you everything besides the girl you love the most...? It's there, I know it is... You just have to look for it... Together, with her...' 'I gave her everything she always wanted from me...' 'Yes, you have... But is sex really what she needs...? Or what you need, for all that matters...?' 'Heh...' 'Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you...?' 'Yeah... I do...' 'You owe it not only to her, but to yourself as well, Ceylan... She deserves to know what happened...' 'Maybe... But... If I tell her, things wont be the same ever again...' 'Then perhaps you should've asked yourself what Nikki really means to you before you went along with it... And I know it wouldn't have happened if you did...' 'Heh...' 'Goodnight, Ceylan... I trust that all of this stays between us...'

With that, Meagan placed her glass back on the table while she got up from the couch... She made her way to her room and once she got inside, Meagan gently closed the door behind her while I sat there for another while, thinking things through... All of her words were echoing through my mind... At some point, I got up and went to Nikki's bedroom, where she was asleep... I stood there at the doorpost, watching her... I know Nikki tries to make things work between us... And there I was, fucking it up once more... I crawled in bed next to her and knew I had to tell her one way or another... But I already felt that by telling her, it would mean the end of us and all I ever stood for...

Meagan wasn't keen on sharing her story and what she did for a living... But she did that for a reason... By sharing her story, my eyes were opened... I understand what she tried to tell me... Her story brought the message across... But I wasn't able to imagine what she was going through... How lonely Meagan must've felt... To know that people are out only just to have sex with you will change everything you know about yourself... Your perception of love and everything that follows... How is it possible for someone to make you feel special, knowing you have sex with others for money...? I think no one can... It's the reason why she stayed single all along... Because she knew no one can... It's funny how I always confused love with sex... Thinking that the more sex someone has with you, the more he or she will love you, simply because it's the only thing I've ever known... But I've got proven wrong before and I got proven wrong again... So who's to say what's right or wrong...? Only I could find out for myself... Sex wasn't the reason why I was still with Nikki... It's something else that made me stay with her... If only I could see what that truly was... And maybe, just maybe would I finally for once be able to look through her eyes instead...