FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

At any school you look at, there are cliques and groups that divide the students. Some may be more difficult to distinguish than others, but they are always there. This system of groups allows for people with similar likes and abilities to come together into a companionship. Kyle, on the other hand, never quite fit into any one of these cliques. He is a decently muscled german shepherd with a decently fluffy tail and decently soft fur. He is decent at swimming for the school swim team and decent at running on the cross country and track teams. He is a decent student in class with decent grades. There is little to nothing that sets him apart from anyone else other than perhaps just how decent he is at everything. Jokingly, he calls himself a Renaissance fur. The downside to this extreme rounding of his personality is that it caused him to never quite fit into any of the groups he was a part of.

On the swim team, he could hold a conversation with the major swimmers. Then, they would make a reference to something that he had missed because he had been participating in one of his other many hobbies and instantly, he was cut off. The same thing happened on the cross country team and the track team. He even hung out with the other average kids, but they all had that one thing that set them apart from everyone else. Throughout my years, he's seriously debated cutting something out but he never could. He just couldn't end that part of his life to fully pursue another. Thus, he lived in a more or less constant state of solitude.

Unable to create lasting relationships with anyone in his immediate vicinity, he eventually started to turn to the internet. He figured that there had to be at least someone who could care enough to think about him. This worked at staving off depression for a bit, but it was only a temporary fix. By now, nearly three years after this search started, the effects are all but gone.

It's now the start of his junior year of high school and he's more depressed than ever. He's learned something though in the last few years. You can't look depressed or else you get called out on it. This ends up with awkward conversations and empty promises that all lead to more pain on his part. He had learned to create a mask of content disinterest that covered the true loneliness that he felt every day. Anyway though, it is now the first day on his junior year. The day is the same that it has been for the last two years, a syllabus in every class and boredom as each teacher reads over it in a droning monotone. It passes quickly though as he zones out through the repetitive lectures. Lunch passes in the same haze that it usually does, with him finding and sitting with the largest group of "friends" that he can find. Finally though, the school day winds to a close and it is time to go to cross country practice. He almost smirks on his way out the door. Almost.

All summer, he had thought that this might be a new year. New friends. New life. That was not so. Again, he had been forced to the shadows. Again, he would never be able to connect. Again, he would be nothing more than a side-note. All summer he had planned. If things don't look better, then it would finally be time to make a name for himself. Of course it wouldn't seem deliberate, a mere accident that had left the poor child maimed...or gone. You see, the park where he ran had a particular trail, one that was bordered on one side by a steep fall over sharp shale into a jagged creek-bed below. The path was rugged, and the guard-rail had rotted away years ago. It wouldn't be hard for someone's foot to just catch on a rock and for them to go on tumbling on over the edge. Sure there would be witnesses there, to claim to his accidental "fall". But none of them would know. Down he would slide, slicing up his back on the jagged rock before being tossed to a freefall down into the chilling water below. Down I slid, slicing my own flesh on the jagged rocks before being tossed into the chilling water. I had misjudged the depth.

The chill was startling, but even more so was the chilling loss of connection. I knew that my legs had fallen into the water, but I couldn't feel them. I could feel the cold water rushing past my submerged hands, but from my feet: nothing. The sensation of the freezing water soaking into my fur was numbing, until halfway down my back, just above my tail. From there down, there was nothing. I was able to crane my neck ever so slightly down, to observe my handiwork. A horrible decision. My legs both lay twisted, barely submerged in the water that couldn't be more than 4 inches deep. I couldn't understand the loss of connection though, until I looked further down. My back had come down on a large submerged rock, and while part of it had stopped, the rest had continued just a bit further. As it dawned on me what had happened, my eyes were opened. My solitude, my decision, my life. I had been given a gift, and I had squandered it. For the first time in so many years, I cried.

I cried there as my teammates yelled for help and made their way down me. I cried as EMS came with a stretcher and carried me to an ambulance. I cried when the doctors told me that I would never walk again, and that I would forever be confined to a wheelchair. And still I cry, as I share my story with you. Don't make my mistake.