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Stupid. I was stupid. I am stupid.

"It...doesn't look horrible...?" Max offered.

It looked like the end result of insanity.

"It...just needs a...little trimming," said Cynthia.

I let out a little smileless laugh. More a sigh than a laugh really. I didn't feel much like smiling. Didn't feel much period. I was just going through the motions, wooden, like a puppet. Stupid, though. I was still able to feel stupid.

"My sister could cut it for you," Max suggested.

That used to be a joke. Now it was just vaguely depressing. And nauseating. Or, no wait, that was just me. Stupid and nauseous. I took another controlled breath to keep it down. Wouldn't want to throw up again.

"No...it's fine."

It was my own fault. I had overreacted...well...except...I mean I had definitely reacted badly...? Or...impulsively. I had reacted impulsively and did something I shouldn't have. Okay. That sounded right.

"Okay," said Max as we started walking to his car.

"What made you decide to cut it?" Cynthia asked conversationally.

...I can catch you, trust me...

"Was too long," I answered simply.

They both nodded, though neither seemed sure.

"So what do you want to do today?"

Curl up under a rock somewhere and not think of anything, but that's probably not the kind of answer he was looking for.

"Um...Do you think I could just get a ride home?" I asked. Max looked at me hard before answering.

"Sure," he agreed, and we walked over to the parking lot. At least when they stared they were a bit more considerate about it. All day people had been doing double takes and even pointing.

The ride wasn't as awkward as it could have been. Perks of having best friends I guess. Max and Cynthia let me sit quietly for the most part, letting me have some space. But even from the few comments I was obligated to make it must have been clear I was more than detached, because eventually Max asked:

"What's wrong Todd?"

"Nothing," I replied, though one second too late for it to sound convincing. They didn't say anything though, not at first. The rest of the ride I spent staring out the window at the sky. It was still spottily clouded, like it _could_rain, but not today. I would have enjoyed the rain. It would have felt like validation for how I was feeling.

"Can I use your restroom?" asked Max, and I realized we had already parked on my block.

"Yeah," I replied after a moment. I knew what he was doing but I really just wanted to pretend there was nothing wrong, if only for my own sake.

I opened the door to my house and the three of us walked in. My sister was on the sofa watching the television with my mother, who instantly began watching me intensely as everyone said hello to each other. This morning had been...awkward.

"Todd, what did you do?!"

"I cut my hair,"

She still looked tense, probably still upset that the only explanation I would give her was that I didn't want it long anymore. Leah was much more relaxed, even managing a smirk as she took in my appearance. I was glad for that; it meant my expression wasn't giving anything away.

The three of us made are way towards my room, Max turning before us to pretend to use the restroom. Inside Cynthia and I sprawled out one either end of my bed.

"You look so different," she said to me.

I let out another single empty laugh. "Yeah."

"It's kind of uneven though."

I couldn't make words come out, so this time I tried to smile. It probably looked more like a grimace though.

"I kind of like it short now actually," Cynthia said, trying to sound encouraging. "Now guys can check out your pretty face."

...They just, kind of freak me out...

I turned away quick.

"What's wrong Todd?"

"Nothing." My voice had gone hoarse.

"Todd, you know it's not good to keep it inside."

"I know," I replied, but then neither of us said anything until Max came back. One of the things I really liked about Cynthia was that she was really laid back when it came to personal stuff. She didn't pry the way I knew Max was going too. In a way it sometimes made her easier to talk too, since you knew she would just take it all in stride.

Since my room was right next to the bathroom I could hear the sink turn on and off before Max came in with his pointlessly washed hands. He closed the door behind him and leaned against the corner of where my closet stuck out from the wall. "So how do you like you're new haircut?" he asked me.

"It's shorter," I answered lamely. Max didn't seem impressed.

"Why'd you cut it?"

"It was getting too long." I ran my fingers through it, still uncomfortable with the way they came up short.

"What happened Todd?"

I considered denying that anything had happened, but I just didn't see a point. "...I don't want to talk about it right now."

"Todd, come on man. You've been...acting up lately."

"A lot more than usual," Cynthia added. "We're worried about you Todd."

"I know..."

"I'm mean last time," Max continued, "you got cut open by some asshole, and then you tore your cuts open at the park and had to go to a hospital, and then some old lady sends security after you, and I know that wasn't your fault but...you know, now you cut off all your hair...I just...I don't know if I want to find out where this is going to end up Todd. You're...kind of scaring me."

"...I'm sorry." It was all I could think of to say at first. I could feel emotions starting to stir up again, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing and give them an opening. Max just sighed. He was only three months older than I was, so it always bothered me when it felt like he always had to be worrying about me and watching out for me. It made our friendship feel, uneven.

"Is it about your dream?" he guessed.

"No...I mean..." It felt too soon to be picking at fresh wounds, something I had recently become well acquainted with, but some part of me felt like I did owe the Panther some sort of explanation. "The dream hasn't...This," I said, indicated the spot where my stitches were, "was just, an accident. And my hair was..." Memories from the day before were floating dangerously close to the surface now.

"Was what?"

Why couldn't Max be more like his girlfriend? "...just me being stupid."

"Did something happen at the park?"

...Because with you I feel...

"...sort of."

"What?"

...I mean everything just feels...

"I..." Just don't feel anything. Puppets don't feel anything. Just pull the strings, that's all. "I...met someone...two people actually but..."

"More guys Todd?" Cynthia joked, trying to lighten the mood some.

I tried to smile. "Yeah actually."

They both looked surprised. "So what happened?" Max questioned.

"Um...the first guy, a Tiger...we didn't talk too long. He was really nice though. He wanted to give me his number but I didn't have my phone so I, gave him mine."

"Wow."

"That's good right?" Cynthia asked encouragingly.

"Yeah," I uttered passively.

"What about the other guy?" Max probed, wanting me to keep going.

There was no other guy anymore.

"He was...remember, the..." deep breath "Wolf...from the park?"

"The one who was with you when...! You mean the one who you told your name was Alex?" he recalled, cracking a smile. Of course Max would bring that up. For being my best friend, he was really easy to dislike.

"Yeah."

"That's why you used that name again yesterday."

"Yeah."

"So," he started again, "what happened?"

I happened.

"I don't know. We hung out, he..." there was no reason to mention the tree, "...recognized me and then we just started talking. He was really..." awesome and understanding and perfect and I didn't need to be mentioning that either "...nice. And then he..."

Max seemed to tense at my hesitation, his fur even bristling a bit. It was unnecessary, but I still appreciated it. "What did he do?"

"He told me..."

"He said...he said he felt..."

What did it matter? He's gone now.

I didn't realize I was shutting my eyes until I felt, rather then saw, Max sit down on the bed next to me. It was one of those things he'd do since we couldn't actually touch. Instead he'd just hover really close, letting me know that he would if he could. I opened my eyes and saw his misted-over image staring at me, waiting for me to continue. It was always like this. Whenever it seemed like I was going off the deep end, Max appointed himself my personal psychoanalyst. "I'm your friend, I need to be able to understand you," he had said once. So despite having to rub the salt water from my eyes, I tried to pretend this was just another one of those many times. I would talk about it like I would any other mishap. Not like something that caused me to soak my pillow all night long. Max didn't need to know about that part either.

"He said he liked hanging out with me. And I told him...I liked hanging out with him too. And then we just talked, about families and school and stuff. And he...he accidentally touched me a couple times, and I pulled back and he asked why and...I told him." Max stared at me with surprise. It wasn't something I usually did with strangers. "I told him everything, about it. Even...about when I was little and it started happening."

It took a moment before Max spoke. "...Wow Todd...So, what happened?"

...I mean...did I do something wrong...

"...He didn't...I mean, he didn't care. He still wanted to see me again, and then we just kept talking and..." another deep breath. Max shifted his weight closer to me as I wiped at my stupid eyes again. "And then at night he was going to give me a ride home but..."

"What happened?" Max asked again, fur still slightly bristled.

"...I don't know..." I answered honestly. "I panicked and ran."

"What do you mean?" The Snow Leopard asked.

"I mean...I told him, I didn't...I couldn't, go with him. And then I ran away."

"Like, literally ran away?"

"Yeah."

They were both silent for a moment as the awkwardness of my actions really sunk in, to me included. Even if I did see him again-

But I wasn't going to, so don't even think that.

It was Max who broke the silence. "Why?"

"'Cause I can't-...I don't know him."

"That's why you get to know him," Cynthia continued, "Did you give him your number?"

"...No."

"Well," started Max, "maybe you'll run i-"

"No," I interrupted. "He was only here for spring break. And he's leaving soon so-" Now I interrupted myself with a grunt of frustration as my eyes welled up again. "...It doesn't matter." I finished.

"...You sound like you really liked him," the Panther said quietly.

"But I wasn't supposed to," I told him "That's why...I cut my hair."

"What do you mean?" asked the Cynthia.

"The...Wolf, and..." What was the Tiger's name? He was...Well, he was the one I had actually given my number to, and the one whose name I had actually learned. I felt like such an asshole. His encounter had been way more normal and I couldn't even remember his name because I had been so star struck by-Joseph! "Joseph, the Tiger, they both uh...they both said they liked my hair..."

When Max spoke his voice had a funny edge to it. "You cut your hair because they liked it?"

"I cut it 'cause...I didn't..."

"Didn't what?"

"I...I didn't want to be one of those stupid people who rush into things."

"And cutting your hair was going to help with that?" he asked confused.

"I thought..." I wasn't really sure what I thought anymore. It had been an impulsive decision. It felt, not good but...

...what's wrong? What's going on...

...it muted the other things I was feeling. Every cut was like cutting the edge off the emotions, but they kept spiking back, so I had to keep cutting until there wasn't much left to cut. There was some reasoning behind it, but now it seemed sketchy, just an excuse to fuel my actions. "...I thought it'd, slow things down, I guess. If I looked..."

"You thought messing up your hair would slow things down?"

"Todd," Cynthia chided, "you don't slow things down by trying to make yourself look bad, you do it by slowing things down. And if they don't like it then tough for them."

"But, I couldn't though...even if I had wanted to. I was already...too far, I wanted him too much...I didn't even know him..."

"You know," Cynthia commented, "the whole thing kind of sounds like, love at first sight. Isn't that the kind of thing you've always wanted?"

"I..." It sort of was. It wasn't technically at first sight, but it was almost the same. "But it...didn't feel the way it was supposed to. Or, it did but..." But then I remembered I wasn't in a story. "I didn't even know his name and I was already-"

Stop.

Confusion. Pressure. Pain, knowing what I was about to say. Anger, not even being allowed to say it. And nausea, the kind that made me think of when I was younger and I would get so scared my stomach hurt.

"It doesn't matter," I muttered. But my voice was too wobbly to convince anyone. "He's..."

Gone. Done. Not a part of the story anymore. It shouldn't matter, shouldn't have made me do what I did.

"Todd..."

"I'm going crazy."

I remembered thinking it as I stared in the mirror with horror at what I had done. I was sure then, terrified that I was finally starting to lose it for real. I had chopped off my hair over someone I didn't even know but seriously thought I did. It was almost a good thing he was gone, I thought now. I probably would have stalked him and then flipped out or something when he rejected me.

"You're not crazy," Max objected sternly. Then he smiled. "Well you are, but you're not insane." I wanted to smile, but all I could manage was the ghost of a laugh. "I know you Todd. You get a little...eccentric now and then, but no one's going to wheel you away to some happy camp. Okay?"

"...okay."

The Panther looked at me for a second longer before relaxing. "Do you want us to stick around?" He asked. I shook my head.

"I just need to..." find that rock probably.

"Okay. Call us if you need us alright?"

I nodded. As they left I heard my mother's voice, probably asking them if I had told them what had happened. I don't know what they said but after a few minutes it was clear that she wasn't going to be coming in. I was finally alone again. I expected the flood gates to open, but everything just stayed a dull ache, close to the surface but not breaking it.

Homework seemed like a good idea, it'd keep my mind busy and distracted. After pulling my laptop out from my bed I opened up my music files to look for something to listen to. Some of the titles were familiar, from the IPod I had held in my hands the day before.

That was all it took.

I picked a song at random, raising the volume as loud as it would go without being suspicious just in time to drown out the first series of whimpers from my throat. I didn't know if this counted as heartbreak. There was emptiness, sadness, frustration, but also other things like confusion, anger, even anxiety. And it hurt physically, even without counting the nausea, though there was no specific part of my body I could attribute the pain to.

...Do you...do you still want to see me...

No. I just want your voice out of my head.

...Then...can I see you again tomorrow...

It's too late. You're gone.

...We can just lie back and watch the clouds until we fall asleep...

No we can't.

...just you and me...

No we can't! Stop it!

...what did I, please! Stop just, wait!...

Stop! Please!

Please.

Please.

Wait. Please.

Please. Please. Please.

**********

"You look so...different," said my dad for the umpteenth time as my hand forced another small fork-full of food into my mouth. "

"Hmm," I mumbled before swallowing the vomit fuel. It sucked. Normally I loved my mother's cooking, but right now all it was doing was feeding the nausea that I had only just coaxed deep down enough to be manageable. At least it provided a convenient excuse to keep my talking minimal. I would have just taken a plate back to my room, but my parents wanted me to eat with everyone else today so my dad could take in my new appearance.

"Think you'll keep it this short?" he asked.

"No way," Leah answered for me. "He's already regretting it."

"Yup. Now we can't be off-colored twins anymore," I managed to joke. Just pulling strings. I could do this, as long as they didn't pry. And they wouldn't. I guess I had seen to that. Freaking out every time people touch you is a great way to make people give you space. My mother would nudge a little, because mom's have to I guess. My dad didn't, because he was too worried about pushing me too far. I didn't really mind that, I knew he cared about me. Leah's approach was always just to make jokes and keep things light.

"Are you alright?" My mother asked when she noticed I had stopped eating.

"Just full," I lied as I stood up and took my plate to the refrigerator. "I'll finish it in the morning."

The door to my room sounded unusually loud as the bolt clicked into place behind. I wondered how my family might have turned out if I had been born normal. I tried to picture it; Leah and me fighting more like normal siblings, my mother being free to fuss over me more, my dad not always treating me like an unknown variable. And Max too. What would we be like if I hadn't been weird? Though technically I guess we might not have even become friends if I hadn't been, but still. Cynthia and Roy, and Joseph. That definitely would have gone better if I had been normal, and Su-

No, wait just cloudy.

Today it was sort of cloudy.

Doesn't matter anyway. I am weird and that's that. A weirdo who couldn't...

...music, maybe. No. That wasn't working, too many of them were relevant to...things. Sounds, then. Could I get on the internet? Okay, good. It didn't rain today; I would have liked it to rain though. Rain sounds then, close my eyes and pretend it was raining. A really long one. Whatever it takes to vent, then I'll start feeling better.

But in a couple minutes I had to turn the volume up sort of loud again.

**********

Something big. It was too dark to make out. I wasn't running this time. Just standing on a branch looking up, but it was still raining. It had small eyes that flickered red and orange all around its body. It was huge, like some sort of monster whale on land. It got bigger and bigger, towering over me as its eyes became angrier and angrier. I tried to move but my limbs were stuck in the branches. The monster lunged forward, it eyes setting the tree on fire as the branches broke and I fell towards the ground impossibly far below, my wooden body ablaze. My painted eyes saw the monster leviathan open its giant mouth as it dived towards me. Gaping empty blackness behind razor-sharp teeth, impossibly big, coming closer and closer until its teeth shut viciously behind me, trapping me in the darkness as it swallowed me whole.

_Then I hit the water with a big loud splash that wasn't muffled despite being dragged underwater. My wooden body lifted me steadily back up to the surface. The monster was gone, the night dark and quiet as I floated alone in the water, only a few stars and the sound of the sea lapping at my charred body. In the distance I could hear rain, but there were no clouds in the sky. Only stars. But, no, two stars, bright yellow. I could barely make out the outline of the creature up above me against the black sky, now just watching me from far away. Then something else caught my eye from the side, a blue li_ght, blindingly bright in the dimness...

**********

...of the night, leading me toward the horizon. My eyes didn't even get the chance to adjust before it faded away. I waited for it to come back, like the revolving glow of a lighthouse, but it didn't. I could still hear the rain coming down but I couldn't feel it. Then I noticed I was completely dry, and that my body wasn't floating out on the ocean anymore. Slowly I started to understand that I was awake again, lying on my bed in my dark windowless room.

I reached out and ran a finger over the mouse pad of my laptop, only to be assaulted by a light ten times brighter than the blue light. I hadn't realized how long the rain audio was. It was almost at the two hour mark. I used the light from my laptop to find the switch for my lamp so the room wouldn't be so dark.

That dream had definitely been different. Different than my running dream anyway. So I guess that was good right? Maybe now that the cycle had broken I could start dreaming of other things now. Figured though that getting stuck in the tree would affect-

...it was a really dark dream...and the stars...

What about that blue light? I don't think that was actually-oh, there, it was my phone. Someone must have texted me. I grabbed it with one hand as the other moved to pause the rain video. "I think you flooded my dream," I told it after the sound had stopped. Then I looked to the screen of my phone to see who the message was from.

It was from an unfamiliar number.

This is the part with the text from the right person. Maybe they asked around, or maybe they knew someone mutually and found out they could get the number, or maybe they sent out a thousand texts to random numbers hoping that one would find its way. Either way, we were connected again, and they story could still have a happy ending.

This is the part when I try not to hope for anything more than spam as I read the text. "hey fox. This is my number in case you decide you miss me :) Didn't get to spend enugh time with u yesterday"

I felt my heart seize up in my chest. My bed reeled and I felt my hand go cold. How...how could...but then, sense started coming back. The Tiger, Joseph! That's who this must be. We actually didn't spend a lot of time together yesterday, and I had given him my number. But...still, just to be sure.

"Joseph, right?"

The Tiger that had come up to me, it turned out he had actually liked me back. Enough to pretty much ask me out anyway. That was sort of like something out of a story, right, so I should cling to _that._He was pretty, definitely pretty enough not to have to settle for someone like me, and he seemed really nice, and he wanted to get to know me. This wasn't something I should pass up just because...stuff.

My phone lit up again. "yeah was gonna text you yesterday but didnt want to seem too desperate :P"

See? He really was eager to see me again. Although, I guess he could just be saying that but...Oh come on. I can't keep being paranoid like this. I need to at least give someone the benefit of the doubt.

"Glad you did" Wait, did that make me sound too desperate? Something else uh... "Aren't you supposed to wait three days then?" Okay that was better. I think. Does it sound to flat? " :P " There we go.

"Haha probly but oh well. Did you want me to wait longer? ;)"

;)

;)

Oh crap, crap I wasn't ready for this. Winky face oh holy crap.

Okay flirting. Flirting wasn't hard right? I've pretend flirted with Max before, this is basically the same thing right? Just making jokes right? "The" No way. Okay I can do this. "Well" Argh why did this feel so weird? How do I say I'm not trying to get into your pants but I still want to get to know you and then maybe get to know you intimately in a way that could possibly lead to getting intimate with each other after we've established a strong emotional connection? I could ignore it but, no that would make me seem like I didn't care. Being honest was definitely out. I didn't need him to know that I had pretty much completely forgotten about him because of-

"I needed time to fix my hair." Ha, that one actually made me smile, albeit a bit ironically. Hopefully the Tiger would find it funny enough to be inviting without sounding like I wanted to jump his bones. I didn't realize what a fine line it was between "let's do it" and "let's just be friends", and somewhere else in that analogy was "I'm not really interested". This was a lot harder than it looked in the movies.

The blue glow pulled me out of my thoughts. "I bet your hair looks fine. So...do you wanna do sumthing later?"

Already? I mean...I guess this is how it worked right? It's just, saying no was obviously bad but, saying yes felt like, okay I'm committing to this. But jeez calm down. Committing to what, hanging out with someone? This is what normal people do. And I can be normal.

"Like what?"

Maybe I should have said "sure" first. Now I probably sounded like I wasn't really interested. I actually started to pace around my small room before the next message.

"We could get some food? Have a romantic dinner. ;) "

Again with the damn winky fa-romantic dinner? That was...that was good right? Right. No pressure. Just sitting at a table getting to know each other. I think that's what it means anyway. Romantic Dinner. But it could also mean just back and forth flirting that would lead to...Is that what the winky face means? No, no you're just being stupid. It's just an emoticon, not an invitation into his bedroom. Just...just don't freak out. Pull yourself together, come on.

"Maybe, when?"

Dammit that sucked. It probably took a lot for him to text and suggest going out and I was just playing it off like it didn't even matter to me. It was bad enough that I had practically tossed him aside the same day I had met him. Now I was acting like I might have better things to do. He probably thought I was playing head games with him or something, although right now it felt more like my head was the one doing summersaults. But...why should it? It wasn't like, I had other...things or anything. And the sooner I came to grips with that the better. I needed to move on.

"When are you free? :) "

Oh crap I walked right into that one. It was the catch-all no-way-out response for things like this. All the pressure was on me now to pick a date that I would no doubt be hyperventilating over during all the days leading up to it. Was next year too unreasonable? That should give me enough time to get prepared right, maybe? Okay, obviously not a year but, when? Really, soon was the only fair thing to do.

After all, last...you know...that had all happened in one day. Though I guess that was part of the reason why...

No, you know why that ended badly? Because of me. Before, all the things that had happened were more or less out of my control...well, I mean, sort of. They weren't intentional I guess maybe is what I mean. But that, that had been, when I really thought about it, more like self-sabotage. Life hadn't thrown me curve-ball that time, I did it to myself. I freaked out and, yeah.

Well not this time. This time I was going to take that shot at happiness. It was like Joseph was my safety net. I screwed up the first time, but the Tiger was there ready and waiting to catch me and pick me back up.

Er...wait did that sound bad? I didn't mean to imply that he was like a backup plan or rebound person or anything. He was genuinely great on his own, the timing just happened to be convenient too. Uh, maybe I should just text back.

"How about" ...though, sooner was definitely better but, I guess seeing him too soon right now might be a bad idea. I was definitely still a bit, um, affected you could say. I needed to get rid of some of these knots in my chest. Oh and hey, both figuratively and literally. "next week? I'm usually done with things every day after fiveish"

My heart was pounding in my chest. It was probably because I was setting up a date with a really cool guy, but the lack of certainty left me confused and unsure.

The blue light again. "Cool. How bout Wedsday?Around 7? "

The first word made me cringe a bit, but I tried to ignore it. Wednesday around seven. This was it then.

"Okay."_I should probably say something else. Looking forward to it? Can't wait? No, those sounded too eager. Needed to play it...um, not warm. _"So I'll see you then?"

"Yeah :) Do you want me to pick you up?"

It definitely would have been convenient, but what if thing didn't go well? The ride home would be awkward. And would I need to dress? If I did then my family would notice and right now I didn't need that much attention being paid to this part of my social life. ...which I apparently have now.

"Depends on where, it might be easier for me to take the bus that day." That was almost not a lie I guess. It would be easier, just, mentally though.

"Well Im kind of on a cashier budget so nothing fancy :P Burgers okay?"

"Yeah. Send me the address and I'll let you know." My very first date ever. I actually liked that it was going to be at a burger place. It made it seem much less intimidating. Like in movies after a first try at a fancy place doesn't go well and they decide to go someplace more relaxed instead. Then they get much more comfortable and everything starts going great. So...so this was going to go great.

It took me a second to notice the blue glow before I looked and saw the name and address, a place I realized I had eaten plenty of times at. "Kay let me know. So what are you up to now? :) "

I looked at my computer screen for the time and became frustrated when I remembered I still had homework to do. "I know that place, I'll take the bus. Going to start on some schoolwork. Just woke up actually."

After a moments consideration I deleted the last part. Maybe it would be better not to steer the conversation in that direction. Plus, I didn't want him to think I was lazy.

"Oh, kay. I let you work then. Bye Jeremy. See you Wednesday. ;) "

Right. Jeremy. That'll be fun to explain. "Yeah." I replied, hoping I hadn't just blown him off_. "Bye Joseph."_

There, I had a date.

...okay then.

This was, great. An accomplishment for me, definitely. Wednesday around seven.

I felt...nervous definitely. Worried. That much was obvious. But I thought excitement would be there to. I mean, I was looking forward to it, just, more muted than I thought it should be. That was okay though, right?

I grabbed my backpack and started pulling things out that I was going to need. It was just because I wall still...getting over things. That didn't mean this wasn't going to be a good thing. It just made it hard to feel it at the moment. I'd feel more excited later, maybe. I just needed to...wait.

**********

...where was I? It was raining. I could feel my heart racing in my chest, my arms and legs driving me forward. So cold. So unforgivably cold. Why was I still running? Because I needed to hurry. What was I so afraid of? I was so desperately afraid. But I was running towards it. My eyes were frantically looking around me as I ran. There were too many trees in the way. I was running out of time. I needed to hurry before it was too late. What if it was already too late...

**********

I woke up in another cold sweat. But this time I also scrambled out of bed and ran a step and a half in a frantic panic as I tried to figure out where to go. And again, I remembered where I was and why what I was doing was crazy.

Damn it, so much for breaking that cycle. My heart was still beating a mile a minute and I had a weird lingering feeling like I was about to remember something. But nothing came to mind. I'd been awake for one freaking minute and I could already tell it was going to be one of those days.

So to keep up with the routine I went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection with contempt. The stitches would be gone by the time I saw Joseph again, but I was almost positive now that my fur wasn't coming back. I wondered if he would mind. Jeez, and my hair too. That was going to be fun to explain. Maybe it had been a bad idea. Maybe I needed a few more years of growing up and getting a hold of myself before I tried to drag someone else into my craziness.

And a few more minutes to calm down. I still felt on edge for some reason. Even after I was out the door and headed for the bus stop I kept glancing everywhere around me, waiting for something to finally click. I half expected Arnold to make an appearance just to put the icing on the cake, but I guess I was allowed one mercy. Maybe he was on the bus, I thought to myself when it arrived. But nope, not there either. Was Arnold what I was waiting for? No way, definitely not. Maybe whatever it was would show up at the next stop.

This is the part where someone does show up. I feel the buzz in my head start to click into place as they walk down the aisle towards me, and I notice that the seat next to me is the only one open. And sure enough he takes it. I try to politely ignore him but I can't help but stare. He stares back. "Hi." he says quietly in the most perfect voice I could remember hearing, his sunshine yellow eyes look-NO! No damn it! "Damn it." Oops. Said that one out loud. A few people glanced toward me so I tried to look normal. But damn it! Now I couldn't even daydream without people turning into him! I hoped I found whatever it was soon. This was too much this early in the morning.

By the time I arrived at school my neck was sore from my head whipping back and forth looking for who the hell knew what and my chest was tight from three more yellow daydreams. Since I had enough time left to wander, and my mind had yet to calm down, I figured I'd keep looking.

Get Inside.

Argh! Or not! I guess I was going to sit and sulk until class started instead. The same thing happened for my next two classes. When Max finally showed up a few minutes before math I was both depressed and frustrated.

"Hey," he greeted me. "Feeling any better?"

"Yeah," I lied.

"You sure?"

"Yes."

He nodded. "But if you ever want to talk about it I'm here for you."

"Thanks."

"That Wolf probably wasn't all that great any-"

"Max." Steady now. "Please don't."

He didn't say anything, just looked at me hard until more people started showing up and class started. I tried to pay attention to the numbers like a good student, already familiar with how annoying it was to just miss one class, but even though we were on the second floor I kept looking out the window like whatever I was looking for would just fly by.

This is the part when by some crazy coincidence the thing I'm looking for does make some sort of appearance in the second floor window of my school building.

This is the part where I think I see the feathers of a bird fly by and I suddenly want to go outside so badly that I almost jump out of my seat. I even almost stand up before the reality hits me. If I left I would definitely have to answer to Max, and I would fall even more behind in math. As much as I wanted it to be, school wasn't just a convenient backdrop for setting. I couldn't be falling behind like this. So I sat there, trying to pay attention and stop the feathers from turning into a particularly unwanted shade of yellow in my memory.

The clock even starting doing that thing where it slowed down as the end came closer. When we finally did get out I almost left Max behind for being so eager to get outside.

"Hey wait up!" he called after me.

"Sorry," I replied a little breathlessly. My eyes were already starting to scan the people around me, waiting for something to register. Max noticed.

"Are you...what's up?"

"Nothing," I lied again.

Rather than continuing to question me like he normally would he just seemed to let it go. I should lie to my best friend more often.

"So do you want to get something to eat?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure."

After we got our food we talked idly about math for a while. I started noticing that Max seemed a bit distracted. I would have asked him about it but he kept staring at me in a way that made me worry he might just want to talk about it some more.

"Do you feel like coming over to my house?"

"Not today, I have a lot of stuff I need to get done," I lied, until I remembered it wasn't actually a lie at all. Great.

"Kay."

Bite and chew.

"Still getting over things?" he asked.

Swallow.

"Yeah."

"...Do you want to?"

"What?" I asked confused. What kind of question was that?

"I mean, do you think you'd want to see him again if you could?"

"I can't," I answered simply, flatly.

"But if y-"

"I Can't. Max, I-...I messed up and that's it. I don't..." I ran out of words so just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. I tried to eat more food but it was suddenly really hard to keep it down. He looked at me hard before he spoke, like he was trying to decide what to say. Then he pulled out his phone.

"Do you remember when you called me?"

"When?"

"Monday."

Monday...

"Max, I don't want to talk about it okay?" I hated fighting with him, but he really needed to let this go.

"Just tell me if you remember."

Why was he doing this to me? "Why does it matter when I..."

Oh.

My chest began to tighten. I stared almost terrified at the phone in his hand.

"...You called me from his phone. His number's still there."

I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to think. I had been trying to accept that he was gone. But now... all of a sudden he didn't have to be.

"I didn't really think of it yesterday, especially after...you know."

After I went crazy. I tried to think of something to say, maybe just to indicate that I was handling this well enough, but all the words died in my throat so he just kept going.

"After that I wasn't sure if I should tell you, but with how you've been...you know maybe, I should."

That's why he was doing this to me. He was afraid I was going to freak out again and he didn't know which way to go. Well, that made two of us.

Tiger.

"I have a date," I announced abruptly.

It caught the Panther off guard, so it took him a while to come up with a socially appropriate response. "Oh, that's great. With who?"

"The Tiger." Impulse was pulling my strings now. "The one I told you about."

"Oh." More Silence. We both glanced down at the phone that was now sitting heavily on the table. "When did that happen?"

"Yesterday. He texted me and said he wanted to see me again..." But here I was already getting distracted by someone else again. "We're gonna go out on Wednesday."

"That's great," he said again. There was a bit more energy this time, but the enthusiasm was more like a question as to whether or not I was enthusiastic about it.

"Yeah."

Don't Ask.

"I just...I...I mean if he wanted to...he would have probably, called you or texted you or something." Since it wasn't really a question, I wasn't really asking. I just needed Max to pick up on it, not that it was exactly discreet. As soon as the Panther began to respond I could feel my insides start to turn. Suddenly I didn't even know if I wanted to know what the answer was.

"He uh...he sent me a text yesterday. That's when I remembered."

My heart jumped into my throat. My mind raced as it tried to figure out what that could mean. That he had just been worried about me. That he was only mildly interested in me. That he wanted to overthrow a tyrant get married and drive off into the sunset with me.

"What did it say?" I finally remembered to ask.

For a while he just stared at me, which slightly annoyed me since every moment that passed just filled me with more and more anxiety. Rather than showing me the text he read it to me out loud. "'This is Alex's friend from the park. Is he okay?'"

My chest spasmed. It was Max's voice, but it was Sun-the _Wolf's_words. I had to be really careful now, public places weren't ideal spots for getting emotional. "...What did you say?"

"He sent it to me yesterday, before we saw you. I didn't respond until after. I asked him what happened."

What did he think happened? I knew my perspective, but maybe he just thought I was a freak now. "...What did...he say?"

Another calculating silence. "He just said he thought he upset you, and he just wanted to make sure you were okay."

_Just_wanted. I knew it was stupid to over analyze every single word choice but...

"He said he just wanted..."

Max, being my best friend and knowing enough about me to know what I was getting at, opened up the text and read it to me word for word. "'I think I upset him. I just wanted to make sure he was okay.'"

...Okay, just. Like just and that's all? Or like just but also wanted more but didn't want to overstep some boundary because he was talking to my friend? Or just, just because with no real significant meaning behind it. As if I would believe that.

"I told him 'I'll let you know.'" he said, already anticipating my next question. "I didn't know if I was even actually going to...or if I was going to tell you about him texting me."

My head was still too full of static to do any real rational thinking. My mind was considering all the million different possible outcomes for everything from the next few minutes to the next few decades. "Why?" I asked, though I could probably guess.

The Panther sighed before answering. "Because Todd, you spent one day with the guy that didn't end well and it made you chop your hair off! I _know_you're not crazy, but I don't want to make you crazy either. I don't know if I'm supposed to try to help you see him again or make sure you don't."

"I'm sorry," I replied. It was the only thing I could say. "I'm sorry I'm making you, and everyone worry so much. I'm...I think..." And then I was staring at the phone and I thought about talking to the Wolf and I stopped talking. Max just shook his head dismissively.

"Do you want his number?" he asked.

No.

"I...Yeah." The words had to be forced. This wasn't a lie, I think.

"Can I trust you with it?" he asked. "If I give it to you you have to promise me that no matter what happens you won't...freak out like that again."

He gave me a serious look. If something bad did happen I knew he was going to hold himself personally responsible for it. I was getting that unequal feeling again.

"...I promise." I really, really, really hoped that I wasn't lying. Max held the phone out to me.

Get Away.

For just a second I wanted to run as fast as I could away from Max. But, that didn't make sense. Max was my best friend; I never had a reason to be afraid of him. I thought the words were a survival instinct or something. Right now they seemed more like an annoying misguided conscience. For once it was easy to suppress it. I took the phone and started to enter the number into mine, trying to ignore my possibly dangerously rising heart rate.

"Oh, damn," he said as he reached into his backpack. "Almost forgot. Cynthia told me to give this to you."

He held out a blue beanie to me. I took it, surprised. "Oh, wow."

"Yeah. She said this way not as many people will stare at you funny."

"What are you trying to say?" I asked jokingly, trying to get rid of all the seriousness.

"We're ashamed to be seen with you," he smirked. "Hide your shame."

"Jerk," I said, barely managing a laugh. It sounded far away. I put it the beanie, slipping my ears through the holes. "Better?"

He considered me for a moment. "Less worse."

"Screw you."

He laughed some more. "But no, yeah, better."

Max drove me home after. I felt my phone burning in my pocket, the saved number like a hot iron inside. The numbers were already branded into my memory, and I started to notice a faint tingling sting when I thought about them. Kind of like when someone touched me.

"If something happens," Max began before letting me out of the car, "call me okay?"

"Yeah," I assured him, trying to make sure it wasn't a lie. "Thanks."

"'Kay."

**********

Inside my room I yanked my phone out of my pocket and practically threw it at the bed before taking a steadying breath. Normal enough reaction, right?

Okay, I thought to myself, what do I do now?

The answer turned out to be everything but call. Nudging the phone a safe distance away from me on the bed I tried to catch up on homework, finding myself surprisingly focused. That or I was doing everything wrong. At dinner I tried to be a puppet again, giving careful consideration to every tiny movement to give off the impression of calmness. Trying to keep myself steady helped to distract my thoughts a bit. I probably could have eaten in my room, but I felt like I needed to overcompensate for the swirling feelings tearing my stomach apart. I couldn't give my family a reason to suspect that anything had changed.

"How you feeling?" My dad asked me.

I was made of wood, steady. But soaked wood, not so stiff. "Different." Not a lie. Small smile. Grab at my hair for emphasis. Eat, not too fast. Not in a hurry. Finish, get up.

"You're done already?" Crudge.

"Yeah, I have a lot of homework." Not a lie. Back in my room.

Cut the stings and collapse on the floor.

What time was it? Late.

Don't Call.

I grumbled, annoyed. Not late enough maybe. I did more homework for a few more hours. I tried to listen to some music, but that was still a no-go, so the only sound was my pencil scribbling across paper and my grumbling every time I worked up the urge to call and the words told me not to.

**********

I lifted my red necklace out of its box and placed it around my neck for comfort. It was almost midnight. For absolutely no real reason at all I had made midnight my deadline for whether or not I would text him. It just seemed like an appropriate story-obvious deadline. Text because I quickly gathered that there was no way I would be able to keep myself under control if I heard his voice. For the first time since I had thrown it on the bed earlier I picked up my phone.

Stop.

No, damn it! Not this time, I couldn't. I mean I had to...at least apologize for freaking out on him. He was probably asleep by now anyway, so it's not like I was going to have to talk to him right now anyway. Still, I only barely managed to open up a message on wooden autopilot. Now I just needed to figure out what to say. Hey this is Alex, sorry I went completely crazy on you?

...

"Hey this is Alex, sorry I went completely crazy on you."

Sending, don't cancel.

Sending, come on don't cancel.

Sending, almost there don't cancel.

Sent. Cut the stings, regret not canceling.

Holy hell what the crap did I just do!? Why would I freaking do that?! I should have just left well enough alone and moved on with my life, not try and do whatever the hell I thought I was doing now!

Except...well, well enough wasn't really all that well. And...

...Alex no!...

And maybe this really wasn't one sided. He didn't leave the park remember? For a full fifteen-ish minutes. Although...No wait. The park had more than one entrance. Maybe, he had left right after, he just used a different exit. He just got in his car and thought "what the hell was that?" and was actually glad he had dodged that crazy bullet. He texted Max though...but even then, that could have just been him thinking I'm mental and wanted to make sure I hadn't done-

My phone rang. I let out a little yelp of surprise and dropped my phone over the edge of the bed onto the floor. I quickly scrambled to pick it back up, but it had stopped ringing. Did I hang up by accident? I checked to see who had called...Hooooooooly crudge.

Craaap and I think I just hung up on him! Crap what do I do?

I was just about to consider maybe calling back when the screen lit up blue again. I almost dropped it again. I knew it was going to be him, but maybe it-nope, yeah, it was him.

Don't Read.

Damn it I didn't need this right now! It was too late for that. I clutched onto my necklace and tried to filter the words out of my mind. Park Wolf, that's what I saved his contact name as. It was safe, impersonal. I tried to go back on autopilot as I opened the message. It wasn't me reading it, it was my completely objective and emotionless puppet. It worked long enough for me to open it and even got as far as the fourth word.

"Are you alright? What happened? I'm really sorry if I did anything that upset you, I really didn't mean to. Sorry I called and hung up too."

...

It was him.

It was him! This was it, I was talking to him again! The first time since Monday, when I thought I was never going to see him again ever! But here he was for real, sort of. I was actually talking to him again. My eyes stung, which freaked me out a little and reminded me to breathe. I mean jeez it was just a text, it's not like he was suddenly here in my room.

Suddenly I had to look around and check. Nothing. No freaking duh. My nerves were on fire and I seriously needed to calm down. This was exactly why I freaked out the first time around, sort of. I got too attached too soon. This was just a text, so act like it. I took another steadying breath. Sun-...no. The Wolf was in a room somewhere, waiting for me to respond. And...so he hung up on me? He called and then hung up, what did that mean?

This is the part where the moonlight shines through glass doors in another house, the only light in the room. It illuminates the Wolf's fur as he sits on his bed, holding the phone I had once held in his hands. He stares at the screen expectantly, his eyes shining reflections back at him along with the silver glow of his fur. He's scared, but a little hopeful too. He dials the number from the text, but suddenly the thought of hearing my voice again makes him nervous, too nervous. He hangs up and texts instead...

This is the part where I remember how cloudy it is outside, so probably not the moonlight. The other stuff was probably just me projecting too. Whatever. Right now all I could do was answer his questions.

Stop.

But I shoved it aside, easier now for some reason.

Was I alright? Maybe, now. Now that I'm talking to you again, sort of. I felt, different, definitely. The hopelessness from the last two days had been exchanged for a charged anxiety. "I'm"...confused, but I shouldn't say that, _"fine."_Lying to him was easier on the phone.

What happened, that was a harder question to answer, especially since I was a little unclear about it myself. "I'm really sorry, it really wasn't your fault" I think that was technically true. Yeah, it was. Fault would mean it was intentional.

I pressed send. Ignoring the question wasn't lying right?

When the blue light shined again though, it looked awfully judgmental. "Can I call you?"

No.

NO. But...Yes!

Absolutely not!

I wanted to hear his voice again. I didn't want to fall apart again. I didn't want him to be responsible for pulling me apart again.

"My family's asleep. I don't want to wake them up."

Jeez that sounded so bad. No one would buy that. I pressed send anyway. Then my little panic attacks started. Was he going to think I didn't want to talk to him anymore? Oh man that was exactly what was going to happen. He was going to think I was trying to get rid of him because I didn't want talk to him anymore.

By the next message I was in complete despair, my ears plastered to my head. "Can I keep texting you?" And then instantly somewhere else, somewhere that involved rapid heartbeat and anxious tail twitching.

_"Yes."_I replied, literally before I could even think about it. And then I didn't think about much of anything. I just lied there on my bed, staring at my phone and waiting for the blue light to turn back on.

_"Okay."_was the response. It wasn't exactly a conversation starter. I didn't care.

"Okay."_I texted back. If we were talking in person this is probably the part where we would have an awkward silence _and then he would have said something and the awkwardness would vanish and we would walk really close to each other smiling and talking and sneaking glances.

The blue light snapped me back to reality. "Do you want to hang out soon?"

A warning flared in my mind, but I barely noticed it over the thought of seeing the Wolf again. "Yes." A text can't sound desperate can it? Just in case, "Yeah. Okay."

He wanted to see me again! I tried not to let my mind jump to conclusions, but there were only so many possibilities weren't there? And some of them pointed to...no way I could even think of those without losing control of myself.

"Cool."_A familiar thrill ran through me when I read that first word. Was his voice the same as I remembered it? _"Tomorrow at the park again? I'm free all day."

He wanted to see me tomorrow?! I was going to see him again! If I was made out of wood my body would have been a bonfire right now. I had to work super hard to keep the word date out of my head. I almost forgot to respond.

"Okay. I don't get out of class until 5:30, so Around 6?" That might have been stretching it, but maybe I could get another ride from Max if he wasn't busy. Hopefully the weather would start clearing up again. I thought of the way the sun had shined on him at the park, especially on his...was it safe to think it?

...his yellow sunshine eyes.

With an idiot grin on my face I repeated the nickname over and over in my head. Sunshine Eyes. Sunshine Eyes Sunshine Eyes Sunshine Eyes! I was going to see Sunshine Eyes again! Who knows, maybe I'd learn his actual name. Oh man but showing him my hair was going to be super awkward.

"Yeah. So see you tomorrow then?"

My heart fluttered. "Yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"I guess I'll let you sleep now. I have to get up early tomorrow too. Goodnight?"

Like I could sleep now. "Okay. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Alex." I absolutely did not swoon. I don't swoon. I had an uncontrollable smile on my face for a completely different reason.

After not swooning I had to get up. My body was so wired with energy that I couldn't sit still.

Sunshine Eyes. It was safe to think it now. I had missed him so much.

For a while I just paced around my room, trying to work out the anxiety and excitement. This was all so unbelievable. I had to keep repeating the day over and over to make sure I hadn't missed anything, that this wasn't just some unexplainable fluke. I grabbed at my hair, remembering its new length, then instantly sobered.

No, no no calm down remember why this went so bad last time. I needed to keep my feelings in check. Jumping into things had already caused me too much trouble lately. This was just going to be a friends hanging out thing, not a...a thing. If we rushed into it everything would definitely fall apart. We had to get to know each other first, objectively, give ourselves time to think with more than just subconscious desires to not be alone. I especially owed him that much. It would be really bad if he found out too late that I was a little more than a little eccentric.

...even if he seemed to handle it pretty well last time.

And then another terrible thought. Quietly I snuck into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. My hair was choppy and uneven, mangled by insanity and scissors. I lifted my shirt. I had almost forgotten about the scars, but they carved themselves back into my memory. The skin was starting to look normal-ish again, but the threading weaving through it kept it nightmarish. Still no fur.

I didn't want him to see me like this. I know it was probably really stupid, especially since he wouldn't even see the scars, (and he wouldn't. Taking it slow remember? Jeez) but I just...I just needed another day to try and, I don't know, at the very least not feel so patchworky. Physically anyway.

I went back to my room and grabbed my phone. "I don't think I can make it tomorrow. Can we hang out Friday instead?" After my visit to the doctor on Friday I could at least be done with the stitches.

He didn't respond for a long while, and eventually I decided he had probably already fallen asleep. I tried to, but my stomach was doing turns again, completely opposite from the way it felt just minutes before. Thoughts kept running through my head that I had to keep trying to pacify.

He was going to be fine waiting until Friday.

_I_could wait till Friday.

I could look presentable on Friday.

I would be fine on Friday.

Everything would be okay.

This was all going to turn out fine.

This was right.

I really hoped I wasn't lying to myself.

**********************

So same old same old, fear of pacing and proofreading and what not. No promises for the next one, but I have a more clearer idea of what I want to happen so definitely not as long as this one took. But then they have a tendency to do things I had no idea there were going to do. Writing is like that sometimes, but meh, do what you love right?

Also I couldn't figure out how to format the text so it's the standard one this time, which is fine since I was never really sure whether or not I should be using the other font type. This one does kind of feel more SoFurry-ish anyway so yay. Edit: Nevermind, figured it out, Times New Roman it is.

Leave your comments, faves, souls and ratings below and see you soon.

Sooner than you think...hehe...hehehehehe...